A/N short little chapter, not my best but here it goes! Also, next chp and
the chp after that could very well required Kleenex reading, depending on
how creative I'm feeling!! PS thanks so much for the reviews!! I love you
guys!!
Disclaimer ~ nope, still own nothing
Spoilers ~ everything up to 3.18 has happened, this is just my ending for season 3
Shameless Plug ~ hehe I forgot this one last chp!! Anyway read and review my other stories!! Pretty please?
Chapter Six: I Try To Accept Goodbye And I Choke
It was morning before I stopped crying. I swear to you I didn't sleep that night, nor would a sleep the night that would ensue, or the night after that.
For the first few hours I just felt numb. Everything in time seemed to have stopped and now there was just me, sitting alone in my room. Nothing seemed real anymore, I would look at my pictures and mementos that adorned my walls and not even remember the stories behind them. I could gaze at books I had poured over dozens of times and not remember the tales between the covers. The only thought that was present in my mind was the one thought that completely consumed it, pushing out anything trivial or frivolous. The fear of goodbye overtook my whole being that night, and the trial of acceptance caused more aching, burning hurt then you could imagine.
I had a really difficult time accepting it all. I guess it hadn't sunk in yet and I was still in denial. My mind still insisted that I would wake up soon and everything would be right in my world. The only thing that brought the sinking feeling of reality was the memory of the resolution in his eyes and the throbbing split in my heart.
So with the certainties and the ideals heavy on my heart I spent the entire night curled up under my comforter, tears spilling unrestrained down my face, with my dear wallowing partners Ben and Jerry, just thinking about Jess and our time together. I watched as if from a third person perspective every moment I had shared with him flit across my mind on a giant internal movie screen.
Thinking about the first time I saw him.
About the first connection we made, finding we both harbored a common love for literature.
Then about the Sleigh ride and another common love, this time for music.
The picnic that had designated the bridge as 'our place' forever.
When he came over to clean the rain gutters and I let it slip that I cared for him, and, being Jess, he caught on immediately.
Then there was the time he brought me the care-package and we spent most of the night discussing The Beats and Jane Austen.
After that was the night I spent trying to keep myself from flirting and focus on tutoring him, which oddly enough, was one of the better times I've had in my life, up until the crash of course.
And then the day when I went to New York and found him, which prompted his decision to come back to me.
I thought back on when I first realized how deeply I really cared for him, the day when I saw him kissing Shane.
Then I remembered how hard I had tried to hate him. I yelled at him in Doose's and deviled egged his car, but no matter how hard I tried I realized the day Dwight's sprinklers had a nervous breakdown on me and we shared our first non-insulting/sarcastic conversation in months that I wouldn't be able to just turn off my feeling for him like I could water from a spigot.
I looked back on the Dance Marathon, when the long barricaded door was finally opened.
I watched as if from a distance our first kiss as a couple, the night after my interview with Yale.
I remembered the winter carnival, which was the time he first showed me how different he was from Dean, how he trusted me and wouldn't explode at me for no real reason.
I brought myself back to the night when he had first met my grandmother, and we had out first real fight, which I caused by being so distrustful, but he didn't help by being so stand offish.
I remember making up and then another fight, which in the end was resolved by him finally committing to something and making definite plans to go see the Distillers, which was the most fun I've had in ages.
Then my graduation, where he met the whole contingent of elder Gilmores and was a complete gentleman.
I was thinking about our first kiss at Sookie's wedding when my mother walked into my room.
She stood in the doorway for half a second before she was at my side. While I was being held in her arms it occurred to me.
Tomorrow was the anniversary of our first kiss, and tomorrow he was leaving.
This brought a fresh stream of tears. It was a cruel twist of irony that the day of our first kiss would, one year later, be the anniversary of our last. That is if he would even want to see me, and I couldn't blame him if he didn't want to ever speak to me again after how I had treated him last night.
It took a while for me to compose myself enough for speech, but when I had mom switched immediately into maternal Lorelai and asked "Rory, what happened?"
I pulled myself out of the tangle of her arms to look at her "Jess told me he loved me." And as soon as I said it the wounds that were still fresh began to sting again, and a new onslaught of tears came forth.
Mom obviously assumed that I had gone through the worst deja vous and Jess had broken up with me after I hadn't returned the gesture. She began to go into a tirade against him, going on about how she had always known he was a jerk and she was going to rip his head off the minute she saw him. She was in the middle of describing his slow and painful death when I stopped her.
"He's leaving."
Mom paused and looked at me questioningly "What are you talking about?"
I choked back a sob as I said "His dad offered him a home in California. Jess is going to live with him."
My mother just looked at me, confused as how something like that could lead to an 'I love you,' so I started to explain.
Mom sat there in shocked silence for a while. I had just relayed to her the complete story of Jess and I's fight from the hello down to my last venomous comment. I looked down at my sheets and noticed how crumpled and warped they were, I had taken to twisting and knotting them while I was telling the story, using any distraction fathomable to keep myself from crying again.
When she found her voice again and had come to terms with the fact that her normally wholly placid daughter was capable of being vicious, she said "Rory you need to go find him."
My mother, the one person who loved to hate Jess most, looked at me square in eye and continued,
"You have to. You need to find him and apologize. You need to tell him how you feel. If you don't then I promise you that you will spend the rest of your life beating yourself up because you didn't"
"Mom I don't even know if he will want to listen to me-"
"Rory then make him. Call him at the diner and tell him to come over tonight. I'll clear out and go to Sookie's or something, just make this right because I don't want you to regret anything about this, and if you don't make up with him you most definitely will."
I managed a feeble nod at this, and then mom caught sight of the empty two gallon tub of 'Chunky Monkey' and forced me out of bed and into the shower, saying that it would make me feel better.
Like anything could change what I was feeling now.
In the end the shower wasn't a bad idea. The water coursing over my body washed away the realities again and for twenty blissful minutes I hadn't a care in the world. But then I stepped out and the shock of the cold air on my body brought it all back and I didn't feel better about anything. The only lasting help the shower provided me with was the fact that the hot water had allowed for the swelling on my eyelids to subside a little.
When I came out of the bathroom I immediately changed right back into my pajamas and didn't even bother to dry my hair, which I pulled back into a dripping bun. While I was doing this I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and turned to face my reflection.
My eyes swept over the person I saw staring back, and just the sight of myself brought brand new flow of tears, because I knew that that person would have to let go of a love so deep in less then a day. I then remembered how I had acted after Dean had broken up with me the first time, and how naïve I had been then.
I had been determined not to allow the fact that I was without a boyfriend get to me. I was NOT going to be one of those girls that just break down when they are left behind. I now realized that the breakdown is necessary, because you don't ever just sever a love without pain, and it is foolish to try and conceal your emotions and bottle everything inside of you, because it will only lead to further heartbreak in the end. Then I realized that it was inevitable that I was going to be spending more time wallowing over this love, because it was my first love, the first real one anyway.
Disclaimer ~ nope, still own nothing
Spoilers ~ everything up to 3.18 has happened, this is just my ending for season 3
Shameless Plug ~ hehe I forgot this one last chp!! Anyway read and review my other stories!! Pretty please?
Chapter Six: I Try To Accept Goodbye And I Choke
It was morning before I stopped crying. I swear to you I didn't sleep that night, nor would a sleep the night that would ensue, or the night after that.
For the first few hours I just felt numb. Everything in time seemed to have stopped and now there was just me, sitting alone in my room. Nothing seemed real anymore, I would look at my pictures and mementos that adorned my walls and not even remember the stories behind them. I could gaze at books I had poured over dozens of times and not remember the tales between the covers. The only thought that was present in my mind was the one thought that completely consumed it, pushing out anything trivial or frivolous. The fear of goodbye overtook my whole being that night, and the trial of acceptance caused more aching, burning hurt then you could imagine.
I had a really difficult time accepting it all. I guess it hadn't sunk in yet and I was still in denial. My mind still insisted that I would wake up soon and everything would be right in my world. The only thing that brought the sinking feeling of reality was the memory of the resolution in his eyes and the throbbing split in my heart.
So with the certainties and the ideals heavy on my heart I spent the entire night curled up under my comforter, tears spilling unrestrained down my face, with my dear wallowing partners Ben and Jerry, just thinking about Jess and our time together. I watched as if from a third person perspective every moment I had shared with him flit across my mind on a giant internal movie screen.
Thinking about the first time I saw him.
About the first connection we made, finding we both harbored a common love for literature.
Then about the Sleigh ride and another common love, this time for music.
The picnic that had designated the bridge as 'our place' forever.
When he came over to clean the rain gutters and I let it slip that I cared for him, and, being Jess, he caught on immediately.
Then there was the time he brought me the care-package and we spent most of the night discussing The Beats and Jane Austen.
After that was the night I spent trying to keep myself from flirting and focus on tutoring him, which oddly enough, was one of the better times I've had in my life, up until the crash of course.
And then the day when I went to New York and found him, which prompted his decision to come back to me.
I thought back on when I first realized how deeply I really cared for him, the day when I saw him kissing Shane.
Then I remembered how hard I had tried to hate him. I yelled at him in Doose's and deviled egged his car, but no matter how hard I tried I realized the day Dwight's sprinklers had a nervous breakdown on me and we shared our first non-insulting/sarcastic conversation in months that I wouldn't be able to just turn off my feeling for him like I could water from a spigot.
I looked back on the Dance Marathon, when the long barricaded door was finally opened.
I watched as if from a distance our first kiss as a couple, the night after my interview with Yale.
I remembered the winter carnival, which was the time he first showed me how different he was from Dean, how he trusted me and wouldn't explode at me for no real reason.
I brought myself back to the night when he had first met my grandmother, and we had out first real fight, which I caused by being so distrustful, but he didn't help by being so stand offish.
I remember making up and then another fight, which in the end was resolved by him finally committing to something and making definite plans to go see the Distillers, which was the most fun I've had in ages.
Then my graduation, where he met the whole contingent of elder Gilmores and was a complete gentleman.
I was thinking about our first kiss at Sookie's wedding when my mother walked into my room.
She stood in the doorway for half a second before she was at my side. While I was being held in her arms it occurred to me.
Tomorrow was the anniversary of our first kiss, and tomorrow he was leaving.
This brought a fresh stream of tears. It was a cruel twist of irony that the day of our first kiss would, one year later, be the anniversary of our last. That is if he would even want to see me, and I couldn't blame him if he didn't want to ever speak to me again after how I had treated him last night.
It took a while for me to compose myself enough for speech, but when I had mom switched immediately into maternal Lorelai and asked "Rory, what happened?"
I pulled myself out of the tangle of her arms to look at her "Jess told me he loved me." And as soon as I said it the wounds that were still fresh began to sting again, and a new onslaught of tears came forth.
Mom obviously assumed that I had gone through the worst deja vous and Jess had broken up with me after I hadn't returned the gesture. She began to go into a tirade against him, going on about how she had always known he was a jerk and she was going to rip his head off the minute she saw him. She was in the middle of describing his slow and painful death when I stopped her.
"He's leaving."
Mom paused and looked at me questioningly "What are you talking about?"
I choked back a sob as I said "His dad offered him a home in California. Jess is going to live with him."
My mother just looked at me, confused as how something like that could lead to an 'I love you,' so I started to explain.
Mom sat there in shocked silence for a while. I had just relayed to her the complete story of Jess and I's fight from the hello down to my last venomous comment. I looked down at my sheets and noticed how crumpled and warped they were, I had taken to twisting and knotting them while I was telling the story, using any distraction fathomable to keep myself from crying again.
When she found her voice again and had come to terms with the fact that her normally wholly placid daughter was capable of being vicious, she said "Rory you need to go find him."
My mother, the one person who loved to hate Jess most, looked at me square in eye and continued,
"You have to. You need to find him and apologize. You need to tell him how you feel. If you don't then I promise you that you will spend the rest of your life beating yourself up because you didn't"
"Mom I don't even know if he will want to listen to me-"
"Rory then make him. Call him at the diner and tell him to come over tonight. I'll clear out and go to Sookie's or something, just make this right because I don't want you to regret anything about this, and if you don't make up with him you most definitely will."
I managed a feeble nod at this, and then mom caught sight of the empty two gallon tub of 'Chunky Monkey' and forced me out of bed and into the shower, saying that it would make me feel better.
Like anything could change what I was feeling now.
In the end the shower wasn't a bad idea. The water coursing over my body washed away the realities again and for twenty blissful minutes I hadn't a care in the world. But then I stepped out and the shock of the cold air on my body brought it all back and I didn't feel better about anything. The only lasting help the shower provided me with was the fact that the hot water had allowed for the swelling on my eyelids to subside a little.
When I came out of the bathroom I immediately changed right back into my pajamas and didn't even bother to dry my hair, which I pulled back into a dripping bun. While I was doing this I caught sight of myself in the mirror, and turned to face my reflection.
My eyes swept over the person I saw staring back, and just the sight of myself brought brand new flow of tears, because I knew that that person would have to let go of a love so deep in less then a day. I then remembered how I had acted after Dean had broken up with me the first time, and how naïve I had been then.
I had been determined not to allow the fact that I was without a boyfriend get to me. I was NOT going to be one of those girls that just break down when they are left behind. I now realized that the breakdown is necessary, because you don't ever just sever a love without pain, and it is foolish to try and conceal your emotions and bottle everything inside of you, because it will only lead to further heartbreak in the end. Then I realized that it was inevitable that I was going to be spending more time wallowing over this love, because it was my first love, the first real one anyway.
