A/N ~ Hey everyone! I'm so so sorry for the long time between updates!!
Please put the tomatoes down!! I plead writers block in a serious way. But
here it is, chapter eight!! Please tell me what you think!! Without reviews
you get no chapter nine!!! Ha ha ha ha ha anyway, please review, and thank
you to everyone who already has!!
Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but the plotline
Spoilers ~ everything has happened up to ep. 18 when Jimmy is rumored to make his appearance, other then that it's all made up, just my way of ending season three
Shameless Plug ~ Cookie to anyone who reads my other stories!!
Chapter Eight : The First Of The Final Goodbyes
It was five after six and thirty nine seconds.
Forty seconds
Forty one . . .
I tore my eyes from my watch and glanced out the window again. When I found the front porch vacant I sighed and stood up.
I had been doing this for nearly fifteen minutes. There wasn't a second that went by that I didn't have my eyes glued to the watch, or the clock by my bed, or the front porch and the driveway. And when I wasn't doing this I was pacing my room and wringing my hands.
Seven after six . . .
I pushed aside the curtains again and then went back into my state of pacing around my room. Still no Jess.
This was quite possibly the most nervous I had ever been. There was an entire colony of butterflies swarming in my stomach and my breath came short and shaky. I had to do something; anything to calm myself and take my mind off what was impending.
My eyes flitted around the room and found some clean clothes lying by my closet . . . good, a distraction.
I made my way over and bent down to pick them up. Once I had gathered the pile in my arms I threw it down on my bed and picked up my mom's green B- 52s shirt which I had stolen nearly a week ago. I began to try to fold it but stopped when I caught sight of my hands.
They were trembling.
I was visibly shaking with nerves and I became aware of my teeth chattering in time with the shivers that were erupting sporadically throughout my entire body.
I threw the shirt down in frustration and wrapped my arms around myself in a protective hug. Yet no matter how tight I held myself I couldn't seem to gain control over my body.
There was just this daunting question hanging over my head that wouldn't be ignored . . . "What if?" . . . and tacked on to that question were hundreds of negative possibilities that I had formulated in my mind.
"What if he won't listen?"
"What if he still hates me?"
"What if he doesn't react to what I'm going to say?"
"What if he doesn't care anymore?"
I dropped my frustrated head into my hands and sighed. I can't take being nervous, not like this. I had, of course, been nervous before, but this was different. This wasn't 'How did I do on the Economics test' tension this was 'My entire life is spiraling into a kaleidoscope of unpredictability' tension.
I clasped my hands together determinedly and closed my eyes, drawing a deep steadying breath and trying to instill a feeling of tranquility, and I almost succeeded, except the second my eyes opened I noticed something moving in the driveway.
I practically lunged over my bed to the window, taking all of the clothes and Colonel Clucker with me, and peeked through a gap in my curtains.
It was him.
I felt my stomach begin to churn faster then ever as he walked up to the door. I noticed his shoulders were hunched again, and his eyes were focusing on the ground as he walked.
He reached the door and paused. I watched as he pushed a nervous hand through his hair and then proceeded to do exactly what I had seen him do as he walked to the inn to talk with his father.
He drew his shoulders back and took a deep breath. His eyes focused forward and a steel barrier masked his emotions to complete his defensive façade of indifference. He then reached out and pressed his hand to the doorbell and I was jolted by the loud, resonating sound it made as it rang through the house.
I stumbled as I rose and made my was to the door. My hands still trembling, but now they were flexing and un-flexing, my fingers twining themselves together and then unlacing as I tried in absolute vain to make my breathing return to normal. I paused as I faced the front door, I could see his blurred outline through the glass and I bit my lip. I was contemplating running back into my room and hiding under the comforter like a two year old, but I knew he could see me through the glass, so after another breath, I pulled open the door.
Our eyes locked for a millisecond before we both instructed our gaze elsewhere. There was a silence for nearly a minute which I spent shifting from foot to foot. It was his expectant gaze that pulled me out of the silence and back to my senses.
"Um . . . uh do you, do you want to . . ." I trailed off as I motioned toward the interior of my house and he nodded silently, pushing past me to stand in the hall.
I closed the door slowly and turned to face him, finding him staring at some family pictures on the table. He looked up at me and breathed in deeply. I again started my shifting, the awkwardness encasing the room was palpable and thick.
My nerves taking hold of me I tried to avoid the approaching conversation by finding another topic to carry me off onto a tangent.
"Do you want a soda?"
He shook his head, so I tried again.
"How about some uh . . . Chinese left over or we have this really nasty toaster pizza that-"
But he cut me off with a short and curt interjection.
"Listen Rory, you asked me to come here so we could talk. Lets just do that."
I nodded as I bit my lip, I hated the bitter sound that he had laced purposefully into his tone, but instead of showing how much his apathy hurt me, I just motioned to the living room.
He followed me and I sat on the couch and waited for him to follow suit, which he did after a slight hesitation.
More silence ensued.
"Well, this is awkward now isn't it?" I asked, trying to get some type of response out of him.
"Well what did you expect Rory?" He shot caustically and I flinched. I knew there was no icebreaking to be done here, so instead I decided to just say what I had to say and pray for the best.
"Listen Jess, I asked you over here for a reason. I have something I want to say to you, and please wait until I'm finished before you complete your decision to hate me."
He remained silent, but turned his gaze away from the coffee table and onto mine.
I smiled uneasily as I reached into my pocket, "I uh, I didn't trust myself to say the right thing when I was faced with the moment, so I um, wrote it down."
I paused for a second and looked into his eyes, and from somewhere inside of me I felt a small courage blossom and I unfolded the stationary and looked down at it, taking a deep breath before I started.
"Jess" I began and glanced at him every so often as I continued.
"First and foremost I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I want you to know how completely terrible I feel for hurting you the way I did and I know that there is a possibility that no matter what I say you will still choose to hate me, and you have every right to do so, but I am at least going to try to find words to stop you from doing so and I am just praying that you will give me another chance and hear me out."
I paused and glanced at his face only to find it as hard and emotionless as before, but somewhere I found the strength to not let his indifference effect me as I continued.
"We have been together for nearly nine months, and in those nine months we have shared many meaningful and special moments together. There is one however, that sticks out in my mind and will always have its own place in my heart." I felt my voice crack as I said this and my eyes were unwillingly beginning to cloud, blurring my vision and causing my resolution to crack. But I drew a deep breath. I was not going to cry, not now, I needed to say this. So I shifted a little and went on.
"Do you remember the night of my graduation? That is the night that will be with me always. We stayed up until two just walking around town, talking about our future and past and in between discussing the virtues of Tolstoy and Vonnegut or just walking in a comfortable silence. And then when we reached the bridge you surprised me with those beautiful roses and 'Metamorphoses.' And we sat in the moonlight still just talking and laughing for nearly an hour. I want you to know that it was that night that I realized that I am in love with you," I again felt my voice tremble as a I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes and swallowed to hold them back, now focusing all I had on the paper and my writing, I didn't look at him, I couldn't, not yet.
"And ever since then I have harbored that feeling inside of me and refrained from telling you because I didn't want to scare you. Then yesterday on the bridge, when you finally told me how you felt . . . I just, I want you to know that there was and elation inside of me, but I couldn't bring myself to respond how I wanted to because at that moment I was being completely crushed by the realization that I was going to . . . to lose you. I was furious and hurt and scared and since you were the only person there I wrongfully took it out on you. I knew the second that I stood up that I had been so awful to you and you didn't deserve that. And now, after having the time to think about this I understand why you are doing this and I understand how hard this must be for you."
I had to pause again here, because I knew what was coming next, I had read and revised it what felt like thousands of times before he arrived, and in this next paragraph I knew I was going to pour my heart out to him, and there was a possibility that he would still choose to hate me. I also knew it was going to hurt for me to have to say it knowing that it may be one of the last things I ever say to him. I felt the tears begin to slide slowly down my face as I drew another breath and continued with a wobbling voice,
"But before you go I want you to know how important you are to me. At the risk of sounding completely cheesy and cliché I want you to know that for the time we have been together you have been my strength when there was nowhere to lean, my inspiration when I was faced with the impossible, and the laughter . . . and the love that has kept me going when times got rough. What I am trying to say is Jess you have stepped out of the abyss of a world unknown to me, and completely wrecked my own. You have turned it upside-down, leaving no corner untouched and no crevice unsearched, completely rummaging through my life and drawing out things that I don't think my mother even knows about. You have thrown things about to the point where I think you may know more about me then I know about myself. And when I turned around today, and looked at the mess that you have created I have realized how perfect my world looks that way. All I see among the chaos is a scene that has been taken from my dreams and woven into the pages of my life. Jess, there is and will always be a place in my heart reserved only for you, and it is because of this that I will not stand in your way, I will not question your reasons for leaving, and I will not try to convince you to stay. So having said this I want to tell you again that I am so sorry, and that I love you, and when you leave the final goodbye will be the hardest thing I will ever have to say."
I kept my eyes focused on the paper for at least minute after I finished reading, my breaths coming slower and steadier as I calmed myself and surreptitiously tried to wipe tear streaks off of my face and ignore the burning feeling of loss inside of me.
Once I had composed myself I took a deep breath and lowered the paper, finally allowing myself to look at Jess. His back was hunched and his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, completely silent. I saw him bite his lip and exhale sharply as he looked up and around the room. I didn't move, waiting apprehensively for him to say something.
When he finally spoke his voice was low and horse, and I scarcely moved during the short time in which he spoke.
"I don't hate you Rory."
He paused to inhale deeply and clench his eyes closed in what seemed like a saddened frustration.
"I tried to hate you. I really truly did, after last night . . . I have spent the hours between then and now trying to convince myself that I don't need you, and that I don't care about you . . . that I don't love you. But I can't, and after hearing you say that it makes it so much harder to walk away from you."
I watched as he gulped and turned to face me, my heart beginning to return to normal rate now I moved to do the same but I did not speak, I could tell there was more, he wasn't finished yet.
"But Rory this is who I am. Here before me lies the answer to questions I've had since I was old enough to notice that I seemed to be the only kid who brought his excuse for a mother in to school for father's day. Its just . . . I want, I need to know what he is about. I need to find out for myself . . . I don't know, if he's worth it, if he's worth anything for that matter. Its too hard to explain, but I want you to know I'm so sorry for not talking to you, you were right, you deserved more and after all of this time that we have been together I should have given it to you."
He finally looked at me, and I saw pain ripping through his expression. This was as hard for him as it was for me. I knew all too well that he was facing the fork in the road dividing happiness and sanctuary from complete uncertainty. So I just nodded, silently reassuring him that I understood, and leaned in to hug him.
The second we touched I felt the all too familiar sparks begin to fly, an electricity that always had existed between us and probably always would, but these sparks were duller. Not faded, if anything they were magnified, but the sting of finality put a damper on them. Yet besides this feeling of inevitability I can't explain to you the soothing calm that came from being in his arms. I felt myself go limp as I buried my head in his shoulders and allowed tears to come without restraint. I never wanted that moment to end, if in that instant time could have frozen and never moved again, I would have been happy for the rest of my life just to sit there with him and feel his heart beat through his shirt and his breathing chest rise and fall to the rhythm of my own. I could feel myself gripping tighter as I created a memory of his embrace that would live on inside of me forever, the way my head fit perfectly into his shoulder, the way he stroked my hair, the peaceful feeling of protection while being enclosed in his arms . . . all things I would never forget.
And though I wished for that moment to be everlasting, we did eventually pull apart, and I reached my hand up to wipe away tear streaks from my cheeks and pull my hair out of my face. This was it . . . I somehow understood from the new silence and tension between us that it was now or never, so I swallowed and voiced the question that neither wanted to hear.
"So what do we do? Is this just the end?"
I watched nervously as he shifted and sighed. He paused for a second and reached over to pull my small hands into his own sturdy ones. When he finally brought his eyes again to mine I didn't even have to hear the answer, I knew what was coming.
"I don't want to hold you back Rory."
I opened my mouth to object but he cut me off.
"Just let me finish. Long distance relationships are really difficult. And Rory you are going to college in the fall, your starting a whole new phase in your life where you are going to meet all kinds of new people and experience new things. I just don't want to hold you back."
I looked into his eyes for a split second before I stared down at my hands, I knew it was pointless to argue, but I was going to try.
"What if I want to be held back . . . what if I can't let go Jess?" I asked quietly, feeling new tears stinging the backs of my eyes but I knew that I had to stay composed here. If I didn't want to lose him completely I had to keep my wits about me for just a few more minutes.
He shook his head and exhaled shortly "I don't know Rory. I really don't. I do not want this to end, being with you has completely turned my world around and I probably have you to thank for the fact that I'm not in some juvenile detention center or Alcatraz ++(for everyone who doesn't know, Alcatraz is a maximum security penitentiary on an island off the coast of California)++ or something. But I couldn't take making this long distance and then having you regret that decision every time some, some guy asks you out. I don't want this to end and it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I don't see another option . . ."He trailed off defeated and sad.
I took a shallow breath before I forced myself to say it when I still had the nerve, "Will I ever see you again?"
He looked up at me surprised, "Of course you will. I'm not dying Rory, Luke still lives here and you still live here and where there is love there are unbreakable ties. And you never know, there is a possibility that I could come back, he could turn out to be as big of a disappointment now as he was eighteen years ago."
I smiled serenely at that comment; at least I wasn't losing him forever.
"Hey Jess?"
"Yea?"
"I love you."
"I know. I love you to."
With that I leaned in and kissed him, feeling the ever-present fireworks, but now they were accompanied by something mellow and sweet, like a surreal harmony. This was our first kiss after this sort of open confession. My mind again began to memorize the feelings that spread through me the second our lips met. I committed to memory the feeling of his hands on my face and my back, and the rough but gentle feeing of his lips, and the dreamlike sensation that overtook my world whenever he was in it. We parted and pressed our heads together for a second before he kissed my cheek and pulled away, instead sliding his hand back into mine.
I breathed out a little and allowed myself to be lulled into a happy calm by the comfortable silence for a few moments before the nauseating wrench of reality set back in and I refocused. "What time are you leaving?" I asked quietly.
"Six thirty."
"Wow, early."
"Yea I know."
"I'll be there."
Jess shook his head a little and looked away, saying words that contradicted what I could see he wanted, "You don't have to."
I just looked at him for a second, gathering my thoughts so I could string a comprehensive sentence together instead of the nervous garble that was threatening to erupt any second now, "But I want to, if not for you, or for us, then for me. I want to be there. I want to be the last thing you see in Stars Hollow, your last memory of the quirky town that you terrorized for two years. I know its stupid and crazy but its important to me . . ." I trailed off sullenly before watching him nod his head a little and smile before saying "Its not stupid." And with that we slipped once again into the cloud of happiness that hung around every kiss we shared.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
About an hour of talking, a few moments of laughter, and a few of my tears later I walked him to the door. We stood outside for nearly ten minutes, just becoming lost in a tight embrace. I felt the comfortable security of love sweep over me in those minutes, seemingly washing away all of my worries for that short time. But with parting the certainty of the situation set back in, and as I kissed him goodnight and waved as he walked away I felt the cold spread through me again. I turned around and walked inside, closing the door slowly and then not even bothering to wait until I reached the haven of my room to slide down the wall and crumple into a ball by the door. I waited for a while with my head in my hands for more tears, but it seemed that over the past forty eight hours I had used all of mine, for none came. So instead I sat in numb silence, trying to accept the fact that tomorrow would bring the happiness of my life for the past nine months to a shattering halt, but knowing that the full gravity of the situation hadn't even begun to set in yet. There had been the initial shock and tears, and now and for the next weeks I would struggle through the stage of acceptance.
Disclaimer ~ I own nothing but the plotline
Spoilers ~ everything has happened up to ep. 18 when Jimmy is rumored to make his appearance, other then that it's all made up, just my way of ending season three
Shameless Plug ~ Cookie to anyone who reads my other stories!!
Chapter Eight : The First Of The Final Goodbyes
It was five after six and thirty nine seconds.
Forty seconds
Forty one . . .
I tore my eyes from my watch and glanced out the window again. When I found the front porch vacant I sighed and stood up.
I had been doing this for nearly fifteen minutes. There wasn't a second that went by that I didn't have my eyes glued to the watch, or the clock by my bed, or the front porch and the driveway. And when I wasn't doing this I was pacing my room and wringing my hands.
Seven after six . . .
I pushed aside the curtains again and then went back into my state of pacing around my room. Still no Jess.
This was quite possibly the most nervous I had ever been. There was an entire colony of butterflies swarming in my stomach and my breath came short and shaky. I had to do something; anything to calm myself and take my mind off what was impending.
My eyes flitted around the room and found some clean clothes lying by my closet . . . good, a distraction.
I made my way over and bent down to pick them up. Once I had gathered the pile in my arms I threw it down on my bed and picked up my mom's green B- 52s shirt which I had stolen nearly a week ago. I began to try to fold it but stopped when I caught sight of my hands.
They were trembling.
I was visibly shaking with nerves and I became aware of my teeth chattering in time with the shivers that were erupting sporadically throughout my entire body.
I threw the shirt down in frustration and wrapped my arms around myself in a protective hug. Yet no matter how tight I held myself I couldn't seem to gain control over my body.
There was just this daunting question hanging over my head that wouldn't be ignored . . . "What if?" . . . and tacked on to that question were hundreds of negative possibilities that I had formulated in my mind.
"What if he won't listen?"
"What if he still hates me?"
"What if he doesn't react to what I'm going to say?"
"What if he doesn't care anymore?"
I dropped my frustrated head into my hands and sighed. I can't take being nervous, not like this. I had, of course, been nervous before, but this was different. This wasn't 'How did I do on the Economics test' tension this was 'My entire life is spiraling into a kaleidoscope of unpredictability' tension.
I clasped my hands together determinedly and closed my eyes, drawing a deep steadying breath and trying to instill a feeling of tranquility, and I almost succeeded, except the second my eyes opened I noticed something moving in the driveway.
I practically lunged over my bed to the window, taking all of the clothes and Colonel Clucker with me, and peeked through a gap in my curtains.
It was him.
I felt my stomach begin to churn faster then ever as he walked up to the door. I noticed his shoulders were hunched again, and his eyes were focusing on the ground as he walked.
He reached the door and paused. I watched as he pushed a nervous hand through his hair and then proceeded to do exactly what I had seen him do as he walked to the inn to talk with his father.
He drew his shoulders back and took a deep breath. His eyes focused forward and a steel barrier masked his emotions to complete his defensive façade of indifference. He then reached out and pressed his hand to the doorbell and I was jolted by the loud, resonating sound it made as it rang through the house.
I stumbled as I rose and made my was to the door. My hands still trembling, but now they were flexing and un-flexing, my fingers twining themselves together and then unlacing as I tried in absolute vain to make my breathing return to normal. I paused as I faced the front door, I could see his blurred outline through the glass and I bit my lip. I was contemplating running back into my room and hiding under the comforter like a two year old, but I knew he could see me through the glass, so after another breath, I pulled open the door.
Our eyes locked for a millisecond before we both instructed our gaze elsewhere. There was a silence for nearly a minute which I spent shifting from foot to foot. It was his expectant gaze that pulled me out of the silence and back to my senses.
"Um . . . uh do you, do you want to . . ." I trailed off as I motioned toward the interior of my house and he nodded silently, pushing past me to stand in the hall.
I closed the door slowly and turned to face him, finding him staring at some family pictures on the table. He looked up at me and breathed in deeply. I again started my shifting, the awkwardness encasing the room was palpable and thick.
My nerves taking hold of me I tried to avoid the approaching conversation by finding another topic to carry me off onto a tangent.
"Do you want a soda?"
He shook his head, so I tried again.
"How about some uh . . . Chinese left over or we have this really nasty toaster pizza that-"
But he cut me off with a short and curt interjection.
"Listen Rory, you asked me to come here so we could talk. Lets just do that."
I nodded as I bit my lip, I hated the bitter sound that he had laced purposefully into his tone, but instead of showing how much his apathy hurt me, I just motioned to the living room.
He followed me and I sat on the couch and waited for him to follow suit, which he did after a slight hesitation.
More silence ensued.
"Well, this is awkward now isn't it?" I asked, trying to get some type of response out of him.
"Well what did you expect Rory?" He shot caustically and I flinched. I knew there was no icebreaking to be done here, so instead I decided to just say what I had to say and pray for the best.
"Listen Jess, I asked you over here for a reason. I have something I want to say to you, and please wait until I'm finished before you complete your decision to hate me."
He remained silent, but turned his gaze away from the coffee table and onto mine.
I smiled uneasily as I reached into my pocket, "I uh, I didn't trust myself to say the right thing when I was faced with the moment, so I um, wrote it down."
I paused for a second and looked into his eyes, and from somewhere inside of me I felt a small courage blossom and I unfolded the stationary and looked down at it, taking a deep breath before I started.
"Jess" I began and glanced at him every so often as I continued.
"First and foremost I want to tell you how truly sorry I am. I want you to know how completely terrible I feel for hurting you the way I did and I know that there is a possibility that no matter what I say you will still choose to hate me, and you have every right to do so, but I am at least going to try to find words to stop you from doing so and I am just praying that you will give me another chance and hear me out."
I paused and glanced at his face only to find it as hard and emotionless as before, but somewhere I found the strength to not let his indifference effect me as I continued.
"We have been together for nearly nine months, and in those nine months we have shared many meaningful and special moments together. There is one however, that sticks out in my mind and will always have its own place in my heart." I felt my voice crack as I said this and my eyes were unwillingly beginning to cloud, blurring my vision and causing my resolution to crack. But I drew a deep breath. I was not going to cry, not now, I needed to say this. So I shifted a little and went on.
"Do you remember the night of my graduation? That is the night that will be with me always. We stayed up until two just walking around town, talking about our future and past and in between discussing the virtues of Tolstoy and Vonnegut or just walking in a comfortable silence. And then when we reached the bridge you surprised me with those beautiful roses and 'Metamorphoses.' And we sat in the moonlight still just talking and laughing for nearly an hour. I want you to know that it was that night that I realized that I am in love with you," I again felt my voice tremble as a I felt the sting of tears behind my eyes and swallowed to hold them back, now focusing all I had on the paper and my writing, I didn't look at him, I couldn't, not yet.
"And ever since then I have harbored that feeling inside of me and refrained from telling you because I didn't want to scare you. Then yesterday on the bridge, when you finally told me how you felt . . . I just, I want you to know that there was and elation inside of me, but I couldn't bring myself to respond how I wanted to because at that moment I was being completely crushed by the realization that I was going to . . . to lose you. I was furious and hurt and scared and since you were the only person there I wrongfully took it out on you. I knew the second that I stood up that I had been so awful to you and you didn't deserve that. And now, after having the time to think about this I understand why you are doing this and I understand how hard this must be for you."
I had to pause again here, because I knew what was coming next, I had read and revised it what felt like thousands of times before he arrived, and in this next paragraph I knew I was going to pour my heart out to him, and there was a possibility that he would still choose to hate me. I also knew it was going to hurt for me to have to say it knowing that it may be one of the last things I ever say to him. I felt the tears begin to slide slowly down my face as I drew another breath and continued with a wobbling voice,
"But before you go I want you to know how important you are to me. At the risk of sounding completely cheesy and cliché I want you to know that for the time we have been together you have been my strength when there was nowhere to lean, my inspiration when I was faced with the impossible, and the laughter . . . and the love that has kept me going when times got rough. What I am trying to say is Jess you have stepped out of the abyss of a world unknown to me, and completely wrecked my own. You have turned it upside-down, leaving no corner untouched and no crevice unsearched, completely rummaging through my life and drawing out things that I don't think my mother even knows about. You have thrown things about to the point where I think you may know more about me then I know about myself. And when I turned around today, and looked at the mess that you have created I have realized how perfect my world looks that way. All I see among the chaos is a scene that has been taken from my dreams and woven into the pages of my life. Jess, there is and will always be a place in my heart reserved only for you, and it is because of this that I will not stand in your way, I will not question your reasons for leaving, and I will not try to convince you to stay. So having said this I want to tell you again that I am so sorry, and that I love you, and when you leave the final goodbye will be the hardest thing I will ever have to say."
I kept my eyes focused on the paper for at least minute after I finished reading, my breaths coming slower and steadier as I calmed myself and surreptitiously tried to wipe tear streaks off of my face and ignore the burning feeling of loss inside of me.
Once I had composed myself I took a deep breath and lowered the paper, finally allowing myself to look at Jess. His back was hunched and his head in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, completely silent. I saw him bite his lip and exhale sharply as he looked up and around the room. I didn't move, waiting apprehensively for him to say something.
When he finally spoke his voice was low and horse, and I scarcely moved during the short time in which he spoke.
"I don't hate you Rory."
He paused to inhale deeply and clench his eyes closed in what seemed like a saddened frustration.
"I tried to hate you. I really truly did, after last night . . . I have spent the hours between then and now trying to convince myself that I don't need you, and that I don't care about you . . . that I don't love you. But I can't, and after hearing you say that it makes it so much harder to walk away from you."
I watched as he gulped and turned to face me, my heart beginning to return to normal rate now I moved to do the same but I did not speak, I could tell there was more, he wasn't finished yet.
"But Rory this is who I am. Here before me lies the answer to questions I've had since I was old enough to notice that I seemed to be the only kid who brought his excuse for a mother in to school for father's day. Its just . . . I want, I need to know what he is about. I need to find out for myself . . . I don't know, if he's worth it, if he's worth anything for that matter. Its too hard to explain, but I want you to know I'm so sorry for not talking to you, you were right, you deserved more and after all of this time that we have been together I should have given it to you."
He finally looked at me, and I saw pain ripping through his expression. This was as hard for him as it was for me. I knew all too well that he was facing the fork in the road dividing happiness and sanctuary from complete uncertainty. So I just nodded, silently reassuring him that I understood, and leaned in to hug him.
The second we touched I felt the all too familiar sparks begin to fly, an electricity that always had existed between us and probably always would, but these sparks were duller. Not faded, if anything they were magnified, but the sting of finality put a damper on them. Yet besides this feeling of inevitability I can't explain to you the soothing calm that came from being in his arms. I felt myself go limp as I buried my head in his shoulders and allowed tears to come without restraint. I never wanted that moment to end, if in that instant time could have frozen and never moved again, I would have been happy for the rest of my life just to sit there with him and feel his heart beat through his shirt and his breathing chest rise and fall to the rhythm of my own. I could feel myself gripping tighter as I created a memory of his embrace that would live on inside of me forever, the way my head fit perfectly into his shoulder, the way he stroked my hair, the peaceful feeling of protection while being enclosed in his arms . . . all things I would never forget.
And though I wished for that moment to be everlasting, we did eventually pull apart, and I reached my hand up to wipe away tear streaks from my cheeks and pull my hair out of my face. This was it . . . I somehow understood from the new silence and tension between us that it was now or never, so I swallowed and voiced the question that neither wanted to hear.
"So what do we do? Is this just the end?"
I watched nervously as he shifted and sighed. He paused for a second and reached over to pull my small hands into his own sturdy ones. When he finally brought his eyes again to mine I didn't even have to hear the answer, I knew what was coming.
"I don't want to hold you back Rory."
I opened my mouth to object but he cut me off.
"Just let me finish. Long distance relationships are really difficult. And Rory you are going to college in the fall, your starting a whole new phase in your life where you are going to meet all kinds of new people and experience new things. I just don't want to hold you back."
I looked into his eyes for a split second before I stared down at my hands, I knew it was pointless to argue, but I was going to try.
"What if I want to be held back . . . what if I can't let go Jess?" I asked quietly, feeling new tears stinging the backs of my eyes but I knew that I had to stay composed here. If I didn't want to lose him completely I had to keep my wits about me for just a few more minutes.
He shook his head and exhaled shortly "I don't know Rory. I really don't. I do not want this to end, being with you has completely turned my world around and I probably have you to thank for the fact that I'm not in some juvenile detention center or Alcatraz ++(for everyone who doesn't know, Alcatraz is a maximum security penitentiary on an island off the coast of California)++ or something. But I couldn't take making this long distance and then having you regret that decision every time some, some guy asks you out. I don't want this to end and it will be the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I don't see another option . . ."He trailed off defeated and sad.
I took a shallow breath before I forced myself to say it when I still had the nerve, "Will I ever see you again?"
He looked up at me surprised, "Of course you will. I'm not dying Rory, Luke still lives here and you still live here and where there is love there are unbreakable ties. And you never know, there is a possibility that I could come back, he could turn out to be as big of a disappointment now as he was eighteen years ago."
I smiled serenely at that comment; at least I wasn't losing him forever.
"Hey Jess?"
"Yea?"
"I love you."
"I know. I love you to."
With that I leaned in and kissed him, feeling the ever-present fireworks, but now they were accompanied by something mellow and sweet, like a surreal harmony. This was our first kiss after this sort of open confession. My mind again began to memorize the feelings that spread through me the second our lips met. I committed to memory the feeling of his hands on my face and my back, and the rough but gentle feeing of his lips, and the dreamlike sensation that overtook my world whenever he was in it. We parted and pressed our heads together for a second before he kissed my cheek and pulled away, instead sliding his hand back into mine.
I breathed out a little and allowed myself to be lulled into a happy calm by the comfortable silence for a few moments before the nauseating wrench of reality set back in and I refocused. "What time are you leaving?" I asked quietly.
"Six thirty."
"Wow, early."
"Yea I know."
"I'll be there."
Jess shook his head a little and looked away, saying words that contradicted what I could see he wanted, "You don't have to."
I just looked at him for a second, gathering my thoughts so I could string a comprehensive sentence together instead of the nervous garble that was threatening to erupt any second now, "But I want to, if not for you, or for us, then for me. I want to be there. I want to be the last thing you see in Stars Hollow, your last memory of the quirky town that you terrorized for two years. I know its stupid and crazy but its important to me . . ." I trailed off sullenly before watching him nod his head a little and smile before saying "Its not stupid." And with that we slipped once again into the cloud of happiness that hung around every kiss we shared.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
About an hour of talking, a few moments of laughter, and a few of my tears later I walked him to the door. We stood outside for nearly ten minutes, just becoming lost in a tight embrace. I felt the comfortable security of love sweep over me in those minutes, seemingly washing away all of my worries for that short time. But with parting the certainty of the situation set back in, and as I kissed him goodnight and waved as he walked away I felt the cold spread through me again. I turned around and walked inside, closing the door slowly and then not even bothering to wait until I reached the haven of my room to slide down the wall and crumple into a ball by the door. I waited for a while with my head in my hands for more tears, but it seemed that over the past forty eight hours I had used all of mine, for none came. So instead I sat in numb silence, trying to accept the fact that tomorrow would bring the happiness of my life for the past nine months to a shattering halt, but knowing that the full gravity of the situation hadn't even begun to set in yet. There had been the initial shock and tears, and now and for the next weeks I would struggle through the stage of acceptance.
