A/N ~ Alright everyone, final chapter!! Its
been great and I promise to start a new story ASAP, if you have any ideas for a
new storyline but don't feel like writing it yourself email me!! Ok, this
chapter is sad so break out those Kleenex!! But hang around, because there is a
possibility for an epilogue, but I need to know what you think!! Should I do
one or should I leave it as it is?? Help me out!! Ok, that being said I want to
thank all of my reviewers, you guys are amazing! And I want to thank Stew Pid for inspiring me to write this and beta reading for
me!!
Disclaimer ~ Ok, this is a songfic chapter, the song
is called 'Could It Be Any Harder' (hence the title of my story and this
chapter) by the Calling and its an awesome song, I highly recommend it, BUT I
changed around the lyrics a bit so they would fit the story, so the song
doesn't go exactly like this. Also I own nothing at all to do with Gilmore
Girls, and, in the words of "Holly Gilmore" if I were at all powerful
Jess would be staying put!!
Spoilers ~ everything has happened so far, this is just my end for season three
concerning the whole 'Jess leaving' situation.
Shameless Plug ~ cookie to those who R/R my other stories!!
IMPORTANT!!! THE WORDS IN ITALICS ARE THE SONG LYRICS!!
Chapter Nine: Could It Be Any Harder?
*
Could it be any harder
to say goodbye,
To be without you,
Could it be any harder,
To watch you go,
To face what's true,
If I only had one more
day
*
The town was different that morning, somehow quieter
in a tired sort of way. The branches on the trees drooped sullenly with the
weight of the evening shower still moist on their leaves, the usually beautiful
sky was a stark gray in the early morning, showing signs of neither happy nor
sad, just there, a cloudless dreary painting hanging over Stars Hollow, and the
grass under my feet gathered on my shoes and soaked them through with the
morning damp. It seemed like the entire town was a reflection on my mood that
morning. I felt as if I had nothing left, I was utterly exhausted and
emotionally drained from the events of the previous night and the events
looming broodingly ahead.
As I walked through the weary streets I couldn't help but reminisce. It was
weird because all of these memories that had been the ones I poured over in my
room not two nights ago, but being outside, in the places where I had spent
some of the best times of my life with him, it was all so much more vivid.
I then found myself smiling a little as I rifled through our memories,
something I had though I would have never been doing at this moment, but as I
looked around me I realized something. I finally understood that there is truly
only one thing that lasts in life, memories; pictures of the mind that capture
moments and allow for them to be forever frozen in time, pure and perfect. It
was finally comprehendible to me that these memories in my head would last
forever, and that I would never truly lose him while I was alive. And though he
was not going to be here with me physically, I could still visit the
remembrance of our yesterdays in my head, and in this I found a peaceful
comfort.
In hindsight I realized that it was that comfort that kept me standing through
the next thirty minutes of my life.
The small smile grew with every passing step, and I found myself watching my
past replay itself again, yet this time I was standing at each setting when the
pictures flashed through my mind, making me feel everything that I saw as if it
was happening all over again.
*
I lie down and blind myself with
laughter,
A quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
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Dwight's house . . .
"You made it look so easy. . . "
"Yeah, it was loose. You just had to press down and give it a good twist,
that's all."
"Well, thank you"
"You're welcome. So things are good?"
"Oh, yeah, really good."
"School?"
"Good."
"Still gonna do the Harvard thing?"
"Yeah.
"Good."
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The inn . . .
"You look nice."
"Thank you . . . What are you doing here?"
"I moved back"
"But what, why?"
"Just, wanted to . . ."
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Our Bridge . . .
"Okay, tomorrow I will try again, and you will. . . "
"Give the painful Ernest Hemingway another chance. Yes, I promise."
"You know, Ernest only has lovely things to say about you."
"Why are you only nice to me?"
"Excuse me?"
"An hour ago you were totally screwing with Dean and now you're totally
nice to me."
"You see, it's the screwing with Dean that's an important step to getting
here so that I can be nice to you."
"So it was a plan. "
"What?"
"The whole bidding on my basket, it was a plan."
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"He was right . . . about all of it."
"So, what now?"
"You're definitely broken up with Dean?"
"Yeah, I'm definitely broken up with Dean."
"Okay. I have to go take care of something now."
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The gazebo . . .
"I can't catch my breath . . ."
"You're not supposed to."
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Town Square . . .
"Does she know what I look like?"
"I don't think so."
"Perfect. Find someone who vaguely resembles me. Take him. Just don't kiss
him goodnight."
"That's not going to work."
"Andy Warhol did it all the time . . .( I handed
him the book) . . . We're just five bucks away from a deal."
(Kiss)
"That's worth five at least."
"You Gilmores think a lot of yourselves. . .
Okay."
"Thank you, thank you, thank you."
"Manipulator."
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Gypsy's . . .
"So are you gonna smoke that or mind meld with
it?"
"Depends."
"So where's the part for your car?"
"Huh, Gypsy said she'd leave it for me somewhere, guess she forgot."
"She's bad that way."
"I'm just gonna have to take my business
elsewhere."
"It looks that way."
"So."
"So."
"Here we are."
"Yea, here we are . . . So, tell me, what's your
decision about smoking that depending on?"
"On what's gonna happen."
"When?"
"Now."
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It was then that I found myself standing across the street from Luke's, a light
morning breeze catching my hair and tossing it about my face as I stood
watching.
He hadn't noticed me yet; he was just focusing on packing his belongings into
the back of Luke's truck. I stood there for a moment, taking in the majestic
scene of our final morning. The sun had just begun to peek over the top of the
diner, casting a few glimmering rays across the road, still wet with rain, and
glinting off of the puddles that had formed in the grass and rain gutters,
causing everything to glisten and creating a sort of surreal heavenly effect on
the landscape.
The last thing that I noticed was Luke, who was sitting in the driver's seat of
the truck, just staring straight ahead. He wouldn't have admitted it right
then, but he was going to miss Jess also, almost as
much as I was.
Jess finally looked up at me, and through the sunshine glaring behind him I
only saw his outline, but I noticed his shoulders raise and fall in a short
sigh as I made my way over to him, his features becoming more and more apparent
as I walked. When I was finally standing in front of him completely we both
stood in silence for a while, just looking at each other. My eyes swept over
his face and what caught my attention were his eyes, they looked just as tired
as the town, and there was the flicker of sorrow that I had grown accustomed to
over the past few days. I finally broke the silence in the most obvious way
with a small "Hey"
The corners of his lips perked upward the slightest bit as he responded,
"Hey."
Before he even got the chance to continue speaking I laced my hands around him
and pulled him into a tight hug. I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply,
allowing myself to become lost in his embrace, my arms holding him tightly and
my head buried in his shoulder, just relishing the warmth that spread through
me at his touch. I felt him do the same, his arms wrapping around my body and
holding me close. We stood there for a second and I felt his hands find my back
pockets as we parted the tiniest bit, arms still around each other, but far
enough away that we could talk. I thought he was going to say something, but he
instead pressed his forehead to mine and more silence ensued. In that time of
quiet I found my hands wandering down to his waist,
and my fingers brushed against the ever present book that was sticking out of
his back pocket, but something was different. I then realized what I was
feeling, post it's. There were a myriad of post it's sticking out of the book,
my post its. It was "A Farewell To Arms,"
the very same book that we had been arguing over the day that had changed
everything.
*
And now I wish that I could turn back the
hours,
But I know I just
don't have the power
*
I felt myself smile a little as we pulled away and I looked at him, feeling the
comfort in the back of my mind, but the presence of sadness and loss was
beginning to creep through me, starting its process of ebbing away at my
resolution not to break down again, not to cry. I sighed also and suddenly
found myself speaking through the lump forming in my throat, "You know, it
didn't seem completely real until I was standing here with you." I said
quietly.
He nodded a little, his eyes staying downcast as he spoke, "I know what
you mean, I woke up this morning and looked at my bare
room and for a second I couldn't remember why all of my stuff was packed."
I nodded now and let my eyes roam his face, memorizing every detail of his
features. His crooked smile, the way his hair was always gelled up, the
chocolate brown of his deep eyes, and anything else that I could find to help
me remember.
*
Like sand on my feet,
The smell of sweet perfume,
You stick to me forever,
and I wish you didn't go,
I wish you didn't go,
I wish you didn't go away,
To touch you again,
With life in your hands,
It couldn't be any
harder
*
"So you're flight is at ten?"
"Yea, but I need to get there early for baggage check and all of the extra
security scans."
"I know."
We fell again into silence, our minds both on the impending goodbye, but
neither of us was ready for it to come. And so we were silent again, we had
both said everything we wanted to say last night, and it seemed there was
nothing left.
We bother realized this at the same time, and without words did the only thing
left for us to do. Our lips met in a final, emotional kiss into which went
everything we had ever felt. All of the memories, and past fights and
reconciliations, all of the moments of silence where we had just sat in the
comfort of, understanding that there was no need to force conversation, all of
the times when we had bantered and flirted, and finally all of the emotions of
our time together, the ones standing out he brightest were those that had come
into the light over the past few days. And I felt myself give way to the swell
of sadness as I put everything I had into that last kiss, my hands running
through his hair and trailing up his back for the final time, my mind finally
allowing my heart to let it's full guard down and just be with him.
*
You left me with goodbye and open arms, A
cut so deep I don't deserve
*
When we finally pulled apart the tears that I had bravely suppressed finally
came into my eyes, and though they were not in his, and though they had never
come to his in the past days, I knew they were there. Maybe not physically, but
there was no denying the pained sadness I saw in his stare the second we
parted. He began to pull himself out of my arms, but there was one more thing I
wanted, I needed to hear it one more time, if not for my sake, then for the
sake of my sanity, it wasn't something I could explain, I just needed him to
say it one, last, time.
"Jess?"
He paused and waited for me to continue
"I love you."
He smiled sadly, "I love you to Rory."
With that we pulled out of each other's grasp and I felt the tears begin to
trickle down my face before I returned the sad smile and he pressed a light
kiss onto my lips and whispered, "Goodbye Rory," before he turned to
walk away.
*
You were always invincible in my eyes,
the only thing against us now is time
*
Just before he got into the car I spoke one last time, "Goodbye
Dodger." I said softly, yet he heard me. I had brought us back in time to
our first real literary banter which also served as the first time we had made a
true connection, and he understood and played along.
"Dodger?" he questioned desolately, standing with his body leaning
against the open door.
I bit my lip before speaking this time, "Figure it out." I said as we
shared gazes for one more moment before I looked away.
This time he didn't respond, I hadn't expected him to, hadn't wanted him to really. Because with the response he gave over two years
ago came the promise of a tomorrow full of literary banter, of secret smiles,
of unbreakable connections, of shared happiness, and of eventual love, but this
time there was no tomorrow. This was the end of our time together, and so there
was no final "Oliver Twist."
I felt him studying me, his eyes meticulously pouring over my every detail, and
every detail of the town around him that he would miss sincerely without ever
admitting it, committing everything he saw to his own personal book of our
days, but I didn't look up, instead I focused on the ground in from of me and
only brought my eyes up after a few moments to watch as he stepped into the
passenger's seat and pulled the door closed.
There wasn't anything odd about the way he closed the door, no loud slam or
screech of the rusted hinges, it just clicked softly into place. But something
about the way that door closed caused me to again look away sharply, like
someone had just struck me across the face, leaving a tender red mark of the
stinging, final irrevocability that I was now faced with.
I listened as the engine of the truck gunned and it slid into gear, its wheels
moving slowly at first, but then faster as it carried him away, and when I
finally looked up it was gone. I watched the corner where it had disappeared
for a while before collapsing onto the bench just outside of Luke's, my eyes
set straight ahead and my arms folded across my chest as soft tears continued
to stream down my cheeks.
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And before my memory of us closed to additions, I poured over the moment that
served as both our saddest and happiest, letting myself feel it and experience
it again, and then I closed our book for a while to allow myself to heal.
"Jess?" He paused and waited for me to
continue.
I love you."
He smiled sadly, "I love you to Rory."
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He had left me once before. That time he had said nothing, just disappeared in
the night, the fact that he hadn't said goodbye left us room to come together
again, and even though that time many miles had separated us I knew that it
wasn't our end. Yet this time he had left me with a goodbye. He said it wasn't
over, that we would see each other again, that everything would be ok. I knew
though. This was the end of us. It may be eventually ok, but it will never
again be the same. Never. I may see his face again, we
may keep in touch, but this chapter of my life had come to a close, and I knew
it would be a while before I could dry my eyes with finality and pick up the
pen to begin a new one.
And as the chapter came to a close I found myself remembering again, yet this
time it was nothing specific. No particular words or glances or smiles, just
the shocking revelation that, at any time, the Artful Dodger can slip unnoticed
into your world. He has the power to make you cry, but the sweet smiles
existing only for him come far more often. He can bring you up and then let you
crash back down by toying with your emotions, yet he brings a level of
comfortable and trusting equality rarely found elsewhere. You notice how easily
you become lost in his eyes, and how even his gaze can make you question what
you hold to be true. He can play and flirt and tease his way into your heart
until one day you realize you have fallen for him. And you find that your world
only makes sense when he is in it, that you only smile when you see him, and
only frown when he isn't there. Then, just when everything is perfect and
amazing and wonderful, he will disappear again. He will vanish from your world,
providing you with more questions then answers and leaving no trace of his
presence except the feeling of his touch on your lips, the lingering warmth of
his embrace curling around your body, and two footprints. One emblazoned on
your heart, and the other forever engraved in your own personal sands of time.
Could it be any harder
to say goodbye, To be without you,
Could it be any harder To watch you go, To face what's true
If I only had one more day
I'd jump at the chance
We'd drink and we'd dance
And I'd listen close to your every word,
As if its your last, Well I know its your last,
Cause today, oh, you're gone
