My Beautiful Angel: Punishment. Sirius P.O.V I lay with my arm slung over my face, panting slightly. I feel a soft tremor in the ground as my best friend falls beside me. I tilt my head and take in the sight before me. He lays sprawled on the ground, his hair plastered to his face. Sweat leaking down his face slowly, only to pool in little dints over, his face. His chest rises and falls as he fights his battle with fatigue. The dawn sun peeks up over the horizon, bidding his hello to the world. I prop myself up onto my elbows and sigh, James is a creature of elegance and confidence. Something I could never be, he is refined, he lashes out in moments but he is always the gentleman. He is the one that everyone wants at the end of the day. Not some over aged prankster who has no hope and will never Paddy? A soft voice infiltrates my thoughts. I look up at him, his deep brown eyes filled with concern for me. salright Prongs. Moktired. He nods slowly, unconvinced. I begin to wonder if my face is betraying me. Come on. We have class.. I inform him. We stand slowly, our aching muscles screaming with protest as we force them into life again. James chuckles and pets my shoulder lightly. Nice morning for our run though. We picked a good day He nods towards the rising sun. Turning slightly, and not without a struggle I face the world and sigh. The sun now peeks openly over the treetops and bathes the castle and grounds with a soft gold. I am happy to stand here, but James is impatient to get to the showers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ We stand now, allowing the heated water to relax out tense and tired muscles. I watch him as he sings softly under the spray. The walls that surround us come only to our mid backs. I watch as James moves to adjust the nozzle, his muscles rippling under taunt skin. I smile and reach over, swatting at him with soapy hands. He chuckles and lathers his hands up. Right. you wanna play Paddy? James smiles impishly as he reaches over and swats me with sudsy hands. Laughing I pull back and sigh. He is beautiful to me. But as I look down at my self-scarred body I wonder if I will ever be the same to him. Freshly dressed and prepared for todays classes we storm into the great hall. Peter and Remus are already here, Remus has his nose stuck in a book and only glances up once James and I are seated. Peter is stuffing food down his throat at an alarming rate. I Smile at my book worm mate and he raises a brow looking from me to James, then to my long sleeved robes and his face falls. I know he knows I have punished myself. I shrug nonchalantly and pick a piece of toast up. Busying myself with it I watch James, he settles down beside Peter and they instantly burst into a heated conversation about sports. His face is alight with passion as he delves deeper and deeper into the topic. Never once skipping a beat. He is so majestic. Sowords fail me here and I look away my eyes brimming with tears for the one who will never know my love and will never return it. Classes snailed by and all too late I find myself in the boys bathroom. The cubicle door locked and my privacy assured for the time being. I raise the blade and swiftly slice at my arm, gritting my teeth as the copper like liquid oozes down my arm to land thickly on the tiled floor. I am in such a haste to punish myself I hadnt even removed my bag, I slide down the door and crumple on the ground, breathing heavily as I swipe at my arm twice more. I hear the main door squeak open and I freeze. Paddy? You in here? I curse quietly as Remuss voice floats in. Mopping up my blood from the floor with a fist full of paper I open the door and smile weakly, my head swimming as I recover from the sudden movement. My arm is still leaking life-giving substance as I push past him and rush out the door. I know I shouldnt run from Remus, He understands why I do this. But I run from him anyway. Bursting into the common, I ignore the worried glances I receive from my classmates and friends. I take the stairs two at a time and barge into my dormitory. Lying on my bed I bandage my arm. He is beautiful. I whisper. And so are you I hear another voice return my statement. I turn myself around violently to glare at the person who has intruded on my thoughts. Only to find that it is my beautiful Angel. The one who could never do wrong by me. Ever. He moves slowly to my side, his movements like that of one trying not to scare an injured animal. I growl as he reaches for my arm. Paddy Remus told me He started and that was all it took. I flew out of the room and stood at the top of the stairs glaring down at a nervous Lupin. HOW DARE YOU! I bellow. Once again realizing this is not beautiful, and I make a mental note for punishment. Remus blinks up at me, his eyes narrow. Sirius you were killing yourself slowly, from both the inside and the out. He says in that all too well measured voice. It grates on my nerves and I lash out again verbally. WHO GAVE YOU PERMISSION TO TELL ANYONE ANYTHING? AFTER ALL I HAVE FUCKING DONE FOR YOU LUPINTHIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME? My chest heaves from the outburst and I feel my eyes prickle with unshed tears. I feel sobetrayed. I appreciate what you have done for me, as I know you will for what I have done for you. Once again in that well measured tone. This is too much for me to handle. I feel a soft and reassuring hand on my shoulder, I swivel around and shove the owner back against the wall. Gasping as I find myself face to face with James. My Angel. What have I done?. He looks up at me, a scared, yet almost hopeful expression on his face. The tears fall down his face and I shake violently at them. My mouth agape. The common room is silent now. Watching my little temper tantrum. James slowly moves to pry me from him and I release him, watching in horror as he slumps to the ground. Paddyno moreplease? His whimpers cut into my soul, making it bleed. I have made my Angel cry. I look around the room and see the awkward, accusing and scared stares I am receiving. I shake my head and flee the room once more. As I feel this is all I am good for. Punishment, and unreliability.

I stand half-naked in my stall. The white tiled floor painted in my dirty, ugly blood. I watch as the scars on my arms and chest flow with the copper liquid. Smiling tearfully as the thick droplets pool and join their brothers and sisters on the floor. The room spins suddenly, gasping I fall to my knees, hoping this isnt the end. Knowing I havent felt enough pain to be cleansed so so i will be beautiful. Be beautiful enough for him. My Angel. I hear the door slam open and three angry voices scream my name. A soft spell is shouted and the cubicle door opens. I look up and See James, staring at me. His eyes large, his mouth twisted in disgust. I slide back through the thick pool of blood, hiding myself in the corner. Covering my face. DONT LOOK AT ME! I scream at him through my desperate sobs. I hear a soft laugh and I am stunned. This is amusing?! They find my pain amusing?! A dark warning growl erupts from my throat. It stops abruptly as a pair of strong arms envelope themselves around me. I am lifted off the floor.I look at my savior and find it to be my Angel. A weak smile graces my lips before I pass out.

I come too and I am in the infirmary. Remus sits in one corner his nose, I smile at this, in a book. Peter is eyeing some medical utensils with a nervous passion, and JamesI pale even more as I see him sitting beside me, my hand clasped in his, his head bowed and shoulders shaking softly. I try to call to him, but it only comes out as a soft, tired grunt. But nevertheless serves it purpose and gets their attention. Jamess head snaps up, Peter nearly knocks the utensil tray over in surprise and Remus smiles slightly, never looking up. James moves over me and I sigh. He is still so beautiful, and after my actions. I know I will never be clean, and I will never be beautiful enough for him. His tears fall onto my face as he grasps it tightly. His depthless brown eyes gazing into my black ones. Fool He whispers. I smile and he smiles. Next I know we are all grinning like idiots. But not out of happiness. We are doing this because we are awkward. I had almost taken my own life, and their tired faces can tell me that much. He stands back and looks down at me. His face turning from that of concern, to that of anger. My heart plummets. PaddyI am your friend. But I turn my head away unable and unwilling to hear anymore. Peter leaves silently, his face set in determination as he tries to go unnoticed. But I notice him deserting me. And I dont care. Remus stands silently and walks to Jamess side. Sirius. I am Sorry. But Lily and I are engaged now. And even if we werent I stop his words by raising my bandaged hand. What ever James. I dont care anymore But my cracked voice gives me away. I am a fallen leaf now. Gusted away by autumn winds. Only ever a friend. I listen as Remus and James leave and I close my eyes. Not the end this time. I think as I drift off to sleep. Sirius closes the small leather journal. Its yellow and aged pages holding his triumphs, his failures. His life. He leans back and closes his eyes as the new tears fall. Not the end that time. But soon I will end it so I can finally be with my beautiful Angel. -Fin-