My Kirby Story, Part 1, chapter 1
King Dedede: Blue penguin, Santa clothes, red & yellow pattern wrapping around his body, King of Dreamland. Kirby: Pink ball, oval red feet, stubby arms. Escargoon: Lavender- colored snail. Dark green shell, Grey goatee. King dedede's assistant Tiff: Kirby's friend. Girl /w/ Purple & green clothes. Blonde-headed. Tuff: Tiff's bro. Overalls, blue & yellow hair.
END OF CAST OF CHARACTARS
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!" King Dedede woke Up to the ringing of an alarm clock. He was dreaming of Different ways to Kill that annoying dog next door. He was up to 612 when he was rudely awaken. He fumbled around trying to hit the d*mn thing, when he remembered, "Hey, wait just a d*mn minute! I don't have an alarm clock!" He scratched his fanny and stood up. "Where the bloody heck is that incessant ringing coming from?" He asked. Then he realized, " THAT FREAKIN' PHONE!!! He grabbed the phone and chunked the stupid thing out the window. It hit a drunk bum in the head. He stood up and stretched and then he noticed that someone had pinned a note to his hiney. How they got the pushpin in without him noticing, I don't know. He pulled the pin out and grabbed the note. it said:
Dear King Dedede, I think you are the world's cutest cock( Hey, don't give me that look, that's what he is! really, I looked it up.) And you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. yours for the taking, ??? Well, he was red by the end of the note. who sent it? He started to bounce down the hall singing, "I've got a mystery giiiiiiiirlfriend!" Then he fell down 3 flights of stairs and sang, "I need to look where i'm bouuuuuuuuncing- Ouch..."
***
"GREASE IS THE WORD IT HAS MOOD IT HAS FEELING...GREASE IS THE WORD..." Kirby woke up to his radio/alarm clock singing "grease is the word". He punched the shutoff button and the song stopped in mid-word, "GREASE IS THE TIME IS THE PLA- click! "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn..." Kirby set a new world record for the world's longest yawn, and got out of bed to take a shower. He grabbed the soap, a towel, and some roses. First, he went to the toilet and flushed the roses. (He did this for good luck. I don't know why, but it worked.) Then he got in the shower and began to sing. "NINETY-NINE RED BALLOONS FLOATING IN THE SUMMER SKY-Y..." Suddenly, he heard a sound in his house! he turned around really fast to open the curtain and look out, but he dropped the soap and slipped on it. He wildly grabbed for something to stop him from falling and grabbed the curtain, pulling it down on himself and conking himself in the head with the rack on which the curtain was hanging. He muttered a disgusting swear word just before he passed out.
***
"WAKE UP YOU LAZY CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! " Escargoon woke up with a start. he knew that when he had that guy program an alarm clock into his computer, he had been mad at him for backseat instructing, but not THIS mad. He stood up and yawned as loud as he could. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN!!! He prided himself on his loudest yawn yet. Then he realized he really needed to, shall we say, "Liberate a certain yellow liquid". so he began to crawl to the bathroom, when he saw King Dedede dancing down the hall. "Weird..." thought Escargoon, "The last time I saw him this happy, he was drunk!" he continued his long and brave trek to the pot. as he walked down the hall, he imagined himself as a brave soldier, mapping the long and treacherous path to the holy bathrooms of the Xazouvazzuzazziq people. (Author's note: No, he wasn't on anything, he was just suffering the effects of long- term boredom.) He was a brave and noble soldier, embarking on a quest only reserved for the top-of-the-line, true blue, heroic adventurer. one who could give out as much abuse as he took. (Which he was good at.) then he realized, he passed the bathroom five minutes ago. He decided not to tell the seargant about this. as he came to the bathroom door, he remembered the foul, vicious, terrible beast that stalked the holy bathrooms of the Xazouvazzuzazziq people. He had to think, face the beast, or run? he went in and...
***
Tiff walked into Kirby's house. She'd been up since 3 'o' clock, and was looking for someone who might have some sleeping pills. As she walked in, she heard a sound, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-*Slip!* AIEEEEEEEEE! *Tear* fwap! CLANG! *clatter, clatter!* 'Sh*t' Thud." then the shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Running water) sound continued as if nothing happened. She ran to the bathroom and found Kirby lying unconcious on the floor. "Oh, no! Judging by the sounds I heard, He was sleeping in the shower, when an intruder turned the water on and slipped, waking Kirby up, tore the curtain down, threw it over him, hit him with the curtain rod, dropped it on his foot, said a swear word in a cute voice, and then Kirby fainted!!" She called the cops, (Despite the fact that she had the story completely wrong except for the fainting part.) and began yelling to the police officers on the phone her crazy, hysterical story. She then ran out of the bathroom, slipped on a rug, slid into a pot of red finger paint and a bag of flour, dumped them all over herself, hit the floor and fainted.
***
Tuff woke up. he was in a closet. he remembered that he had been playing hide and seek with tiff, and had fallen asleep in the closet. he stood up, yawned, stretched, and opened the door. he realized he had been in Kirby's closet. as he walked down the hall, he remembered that him and kirby had been there, playing hide and seek with Tiff. she had had to go home when she realized that she couldn't stay the night with a boy outside the family, if you know what I mean. If you don't, consult me. as he walked into the living room, he realized that the sound of running water was coming from the bathroom. he didn't hear singing or scrubbing, so he cautiously crept into the bathroom and found an unconcious Kirby with a big purple lump on his head."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" he screamed and went out to tell someone what happened. as he was screaming and running to the living room, he saw tiff, covered in "blood" and lying on the floor."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! he screamed again, this time like a girl in a voice two octaves higher than normal, and ran outside. he continued to run to the police station. he ran through the woods like a cheetah with its butt on fire, and continued screaming like a little girl. just as he was about to exit the woods, he plowed into a chestnut tree at full speed, and fainted as he hit the ground.
***
"I'M GONNA MAKE IT AFTER A-AAAAAAAAAAAALL!!" King Dedede sang, and he threw his hammer into the air. Then he realized what a stupid thing he had just done, covered his head with his arms, and ran out of the way as it came down. "Ahem..." he said, and continued eating his lucky charms, when he saw... a MOUSE in his cereal. He grabbed it and threw it off the table. "Styewpid rahts, their alwees tryin' ter git me lucky charms." He said in an irish accent and laughed at his own little joke. It wasn't very funny but it was clever. as he ate his cereal, he began to get weird thoughts. "Hmmmmmmmm... I wonder if I can levitate this bowl with my mind..." He began to concentrate hard on the table with his eyes closed. he waited and waited for the table to move. Just then, he bumped the table with his spoon, and moved it (The bowl, not the spoon.) about 2 inches off the table when the bowl jumped from the force of the quick movement of the table. "YES!!!" he yelled, "I DID IT! IT WAS ONLY FOR A SECOND, BUT I DID IT!!" He continued jumping and cheering until he kocked the table over. "Oops..." He picked up the table, set it back up, got a new bowl of cereal, and sat down. That's when he heard a scream, "AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" He jumped up and ran to the bathroom where he had heard the scream come from. Escargoon was cowering in the bathtub screaming like a girl, and shaking. King Dedede instantly knew what was wrong. he grabbed Escargoon, pulled him out of the tub, and into the hall. Escargoon was still screaming so King Dedede slapped him hard across the face to bring him back to his senses. Escargoon shook his head and stopped screaming. He was panting and King Dedede could tell that he was scared to death. "Let me guess" he said, "That octopus monster tried to pull you in again." "Pant, pant.... Yes... He almost got me..." Escargoon had Had this problem Every since the Octorok from episode one laid an egg in the commode. "Escargoon, you can't just let him scare you like that! If you don't get him out sooner or later, He could suck you in and pull you into the pipes..." "Please, stop, you're going to make me have heart palpitations!!" said Escargoon. King Dedede continued, "And he'll wrap you in his tentacles and suck your head until you beg to die..." "Shutup, shutup, shutup!!" Escargoon covered the sides of his head and screamed. King Dedede still went on, "And he'll slow roast you with his flames..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" Escargoon was screaming loudly. "And then he'll pull you out of your shell, so you'll be naked..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" by now, he was on the floor. "And then he'll begin to separate your light & dark meat..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" Escargoon was writhing on the floor, and looked like he wanted to murder King Dedede. However, King Dedede still went on, "And then he'll eat you while you're screaming for mercy until you land in the depths of-" Escargoon opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and screamed as loud as he could, "IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR BIG, STUPID, WIDE, HUGE, ENOURMOUS MOUTH, I'LL GUN YOU DOWN WITH A FULLY- AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUN, YOU JERK!!!!!!!!" The force of the scream blew King Dedede's hat off and even blew him back 6 feet. Though King Dedede could order Escargoon put to death, he didn't cuz he enjoyed doing this to him. He decided he'd better quit while he was ahead. Then he said, "Okay, what can we do to get rid of our little calamari friend?" Escargoon thought. Then he began to wail, "Oh, it's hopeless! I'll never be able to get him out! I'll be eaten alive and painfully digested!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Well, King Dedede just now saw how stupid he had been, and began trying to calm Escargoon down. "Ok, ok, now, calm down, that rarely ever happens! I was just trying to gross you out! and even if it does happen, I'm sure being eaten won't be so bad!" Escargoon cried harder, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" King Dedede slapped his hand over his eyes and yelled over Escargoon's loud wails, "Calm down! What I meant to say is, It probably WON'T happen-" "PROBABLY?!?!?!" Escargoon yelled. Needless to say, this time, he came unglued. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! King Dedede knew he had to calm him down, or else he might go off the deep end. So he hauled of and slapped Escargoon in the face so hard that spit went flying. He shook his head and rubbed his face. "Sorry, sorry.... I guess I went a little crazy there. You did bring me back to my senses, but I'm pretty sure you just killed off alotta brain cells." He said. "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening." King Dedede asked. "I said................... I forgot." Escargoon said.
***
Kirby woke up with a horrible headache. He was awake with his eyes closed, but he saw, through his eyelids, that there was a light above him. "Have I died and gone to heaven?" He asked, although it sounded more like, "Haff eye dyed an gontoo heffen?" He opened his eyes. No it wasn't heaven. "Aw, crud. I've gone to h*ll." He said. It sounded like, "aa cwud eyef gontoo hill." Then a voice said, "No, you're in the hospital." "Whah thee hill?" Said Kirby. He shouldn't have said that. It was not a nice thing to say. The nurse looked him over. "You can probably go home today, but your friend they found in the woods has to stay longer, because of the severity of HIS concussion." Kirby jumped up, "eyef godda go zee heeyim!" "Not now you won't!" said the nurse, "Not until the doctor says it's okay, now lie down!" "Yew bish" said Kirby. "Don't make me take your temperature with this candy thermometer!" said the nurse, holding up this HUGE thermometer, and Kirby shut up.(If you don't get it, consult me.) He lay back wondering if Tiff knew about her brother. So he asked the nurse, "Duss Diff noe ubbowd her brudder?" The nurse turned around. "Funny you sould ask" She said, "Tiff was found covered in blood in your house..." "Id by howz?!?!?!" Kirby exclaimed, "Budd how?!?!?!" "Let me finish!" said the nurse, "Anyway, they took her to the ambulence only to find that she was covered in paint and flour, not blood, but she did have a slight concussion, so they took her in. she got out an hour ago." Just then tiff walked in. "I'm here to see Kirby." She said. "Diff!" Kirby said, "Diddyew heer ubboud your brudder?" "Yes" Tiff said, "apparrently, he was sleepin' in your house, when he saw us and ran to get help, and that's when he was injured. we still don't know who or what did it. probably the guy who injured you." "Nowwun innjerd mee!" Kirby said, "eye herd yew cumm een aneye droppt thee zope an zlippt onnid. thee curdan vell down ann overr mee, an then thee rag vell an hid mee od thee hed, eye zwor ad id enn eye fainded!" "Oh." said Tiff, "The police were royally p*ssed at me when they told me you weren't attacked, that your concussion was a result of your own stupidity." "Thoze Bazzderds!!!" He said, "Thaye shood tock! Thoze buddheds done eben noe how too doo there jobs! Thay are freegin' idiuss!" "Watch your mouth." Said Tiff . Then the Doctor comes in. "Kirby" he said, "You can leave now. If you want, you can go see your friend in room 341B in the head trauma ward." Kirby Jumped up and ran to the room Tuff was in. "Duff!" he said, "Whoo hid yew?" "Doe wud hid bee" said tuff, in a voice even more distorted than Kirby's, "I rad iddoo a dree." "Yer boyss id werss dan bine." said Kirby. "Dats cuss eye hid a dree add dine huddredd biles ad owwer widd by hedd." said Tuff.
***
Meanwhile, King Dedede was Lying on his back in the floor, blowing one of his feathers up and down in the air. He'd been doing this for 6 hours now. "Gee," he thought, "I wonder who has been sending me those love notes. Whoever it is probably won't admit it and- ACK!" He sat up coughing and heaving because he'd sucked in the feather. Escargoon ran in when he heard the coughing, took one look, and tried to do the heimlich. When he discovered that King Dedede's belly was too big, he went to get the tank. While he was gone, King Dedede ran to the chair, threw himself over the back and coughed up the wet, phlegmy feather, and then some. When Escargoon came to get him, he told him it was okay. "But you still need medical attention." said Escargoon. "No I don't." Said King Dedede "But what if some of the feather is still stuck in your lung?" "So?" "You could choke again." "Yeah?" "Um... While we're there, you can cough on the sterile surgical gloves." "Let's go!" So they got into the tank and left. While King Dedede was riding shotgun, he began to sing a jump roping chant under his breath:
"You came home puking, weaving, I suggest that you be leaving. You just looked blitzed and stinking, What the h*ll have you been drinking? I'm guessing it was turpentine, That's why you are barfing slime. I'm guessing that you did cut class, someone needs to arrest your *ss Vodka, gin, rum, scotch, beer, Don't bring that junk into here. Wine, sake, hard lemonade, You need AA I'm afraid. Bloody mary, dry martini, You are such a stupid weenie. Tequila, and margarita, This chant is, Bittersweeta How many shots, can he take? 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4, You are passed out on the floor!
When they pulled into the hospital parking lot, They ran inside and went up to the receptionist, who was a little bit screwy. The conversation went like this:
King Dedede: I'm here for a lung X-ray.
Receptionist: Sir, there are no bones in your lungs. I dont think you have to worry about a broken lung.
King Dedede: Broken lung? What the heck are you talking about?
Receptionist: You can't break a lung because there are no bones in it. Unless you broke a rib and it's stuck in your lung.
King Dedede: Broken rib? Lung bones? Where the heck are you getting that idea? I never said anything about ribs or bones!
Receptionist: Sir, a rib IS a bone. And it's not part of your lung.
King Dedede: I never said it was! I said I'm here for a lung X- ray, and there are no bones in my lungs!
Receptionist: Exactly.
King Dedede: EXACTLY WHAT?!?!?! I'M HERE FOR A CHEST X- RAY AND I DON'T HAVE A RIB STUCK IN MY LUNGS!!!
Receptionist: Oh, so NOW it's a chest X- ray. I think you're just trying to bug me.
King Dedede:IF YOU DONT GET ME IN THERE RIGHT NOW FOR A CHEST X- RAY, I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STAPLE A FLAG TO YOUR BUTT AND HANG YOU BY YOUR TONGUE ON A FREAKIN' RUSTY FLAG POLE!!!
Needless to say, the receptionist got him down to the radiology lab for a chest X- ray. The rest of the period in the waiting room was uneventful, except King Dedede went and coughed on the sterile surgical gloves.
***
Meanwhile, Kirby, Tiff, and Tuff were sitting in the waiting room because they had just heard King Dedede was there, and wanted to know if he was planning to give any fatal diseases to anyone in the hospital. This is were the two stories meet. They heard a doctor saying, "Okay King Dedede, There was no feather, but you sure are as phlegmy as all get out. I'll perscibe some medication to get rid of all that snot in your lungs." He handed him a piece of paper, and King Dedede walked out only to have Tiff, Tuff, and Kirby corner him and say, "Alright, you! What are you planning, and why are you suddenly becoming addicted to perscription decongestants?" "What the H*ll are you talking about? I was just here to be X- rayed because..." He trailed off. "Because what?" said Tiff. He took a deep breath and said (Quickly), "Iwaslyingonthefloorthinkingandblowingoneofmyownfeathersintheairandiaccedent allysuckedinthefeatherandwheni cougheditupicameheretomakesureididn'thaveanypiecesofthefeatherstillstuckinmy lungsandwhenthedoctorsawhowphlegmyiwashegavemetheperscription." He took a breath, "Does that answer your question, you little rats?" "Yes." said Tiff. Then suddenly, they heard a loud scream. A man ran out of the women's restroom and out the door down the street. King Dedede, Kirby, Escargoon, Tiff, and Tuff all ran to the womens restroom. There was another man in there who was holding a knife. "King Dedede! Stop him!" said Kirby King Dedede took one look at the horrible scene in front of them. There was no word horrible enough to describe what was in the floor "Ugh!" he said. he turned away and tried to catch the guy, but he was so mezmorized by the sight of all the gore that he missed. A doctor runs in and sees the gory scene. "What happened in here?!?!?!" asks the doctor. "We saw a guy run out of this bathroom, so we came in, found his partner, tried to stop him, he got away, and- King Dedede, what are you doing?" "his eyes were wide, his head was lolling around, and he was mumbling. "So... Much... Gore..." Then he turned a shade of green normally only seen in houseplants. "Excuse me!" He said. Then, clutching his chubby belly in his hands, he ran to the nearest stall, and......................... Well, all I will say is that there were plenty of disgusting sounds coming from the stall. (Once again, if you don't understand, consult me.) "Ewwwww..." Said Tiff. It sounds like a barroom bathroom in here!" "Or that bachelor party that Chief Bookum busted up that year!" Said King Dedede's shaky voice from the stall. Then Chief Bookum busts in and sees the horrible scene in front of him. "Good Lord!" he said, "This looks like a scene from those 'Psycho' Movies!" He turned to Tiff and asked,"Were you four the only ones who saw the guys who were involved flee the scene?" "Five" said Tiff, "King Dedede's in the first stall.... Um... Shall we say, "Forcefully ejecting his breakfast the same way it came in." "Huh?" Said Chief "He's "heaving forth" said Tiff "What?" said Chief "Of for the love of- Okay, I'll say this VERY slowly so you can comprehend. King... Dedede... Is... In... The... First... Stall... Barfing." "YECH!!" said Chief Bookum "T.M.I., TIFF!!!" Yells King Dedede, apparently embarrased. Chief Bookum got a funny look and paused. "I'm not sure quite how to ask this... but... we need your help. All of you." "Why?" said Tiff "Come with me and I'll show you... after King Dedede finishes barfing.
***
When they got to the police station, Chief Bookum began to explain. "We have heard reports of a ghost wandering the woods that supposedly possesses it's victims' minds by giving them the worst torture of tortures." "You mean...?" said King Dedede. "Yes." said Chief, "It makes them watch movies starring Anna Nicole Smith for hours on end." King Dedede shuddered, "Blasphemous." he said. "What do you want us to do?" asked Tuff. "I want to know if you will search the woods for any signs of paranormal activity." said Chief. King Dedede balked at first, "I don't know... I'm really not on friendly terms with these guys, and I've never been camping before." "Aw, come on!" said Tiff, "We need someone strong to protect us! And that means you'd get to beat the ever-living crap out of anyone who crosses us. Plus we'd get to tell scary stories." King Dedede paused in an unsure way. "And we could play vicious practical jokes on the locals." "Okay, I'm convinced." said King Dedede. "Great!" said Cheif, "You leave tomorrow.
End of Chapter 1
King Dedede: Blue penguin, Santa clothes, red & yellow pattern wrapping around his body, King of Dreamland. Kirby: Pink ball, oval red feet, stubby arms. Escargoon: Lavender- colored snail. Dark green shell, Grey goatee. King dedede's assistant Tiff: Kirby's friend. Girl /w/ Purple & green clothes. Blonde-headed. Tuff: Tiff's bro. Overalls, blue & yellow hair.
END OF CAST OF CHARACTARS
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING!!!!" King Dedede woke Up to the ringing of an alarm clock. He was dreaming of Different ways to Kill that annoying dog next door. He was up to 612 when he was rudely awaken. He fumbled around trying to hit the d*mn thing, when he remembered, "Hey, wait just a d*mn minute! I don't have an alarm clock!" He scratched his fanny and stood up. "Where the bloody heck is that incessant ringing coming from?" He asked. Then he realized, " THAT FREAKIN' PHONE!!! He grabbed the phone and chunked the stupid thing out the window. It hit a drunk bum in the head. He stood up and stretched and then he noticed that someone had pinned a note to his hiney. How they got the pushpin in without him noticing, I don't know. He pulled the pin out and grabbed the note. it said:
Dear King Dedede, I think you are the world's cutest cock( Hey, don't give me that look, that's what he is! really, I looked it up.) And you are the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I think of at night. yours for the taking, ??? Well, he was red by the end of the note. who sent it? He started to bounce down the hall singing, "I've got a mystery giiiiiiiirlfriend!" Then he fell down 3 flights of stairs and sang, "I need to look where i'm bouuuuuuuuncing- Ouch..."
***
"GREASE IS THE WORD IT HAS MOOD IT HAS FEELING...GREASE IS THE WORD..." Kirby woke up to his radio/alarm clock singing "grease is the word". He punched the shutoff button and the song stopped in mid-word, "GREASE IS THE TIME IS THE PLA- click! "Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww wwwwwwwwwwnnnnnnnnnnn..." Kirby set a new world record for the world's longest yawn, and got out of bed to take a shower. He grabbed the soap, a towel, and some roses. First, he went to the toilet and flushed the roses. (He did this for good luck. I don't know why, but it worked.) Then he got in the shower and began to sing. "NINETY-NINE RED BALLOONS FLOATING IN THE SUMMER SKY-Y..." Suddenly, he heard a sound in his house! he turned around really fast to open the curtain and look out, but he dropped the soap and slipped on it. He wildly grabbed for something to stop him from falling and grabbed the curtain, pulling it down on himself and conking himself in the head with the rack on which the curtain was hanging. He muttered a disgusting swear word just before he passed out.
***
"WAKE UP YOU LAZY CREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!! " Escargoon woke up with a start. he knew that when he had that guy program an alarm clock into his computer, he had been mad at him for backseat instructing, but not THIS mad. He stood up and yawned as loud as he could. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAWN!!! He prided himself on his loudest yawn yet. Then he realized he really needed to, shall we say, "Liberate a certain yellow liquid". so he began to crawl to the bathroom, when he saw King Dedede dancing down the hall. "Weird..." thought Escargoon, "The last time I saw him this happy, he was drunk!" he continued his long and brave trek to the pot. as he walked down the hall, he imagined himself as a brave soldier, mapping the long and treacherous path to the holy bathrooms of the Xazouvazzuzazziq people. (Author's note: No, he wasn't on anything, he was just suffering the effects of long- term boredom.) He was a brave and noble soldier, embarking on a quest only reserved for the top-of-the-line, true blue, heroic adventurer. one who could give out as much abuse as he took. (Which he was good at.) then he realized, he passed the bathroom five minutes ago. He decided not to tell the seargant about this. as he came to the bathroom door, he remembered the foul, vicious, terrible beast that stalked the holy bathrooms of the Xazouvazzuzazziq people. He had to think, face the beast, or run? he went in and...
***
Tiff walked into Kirby's house. She'd been up since 3 'o' clock, and was looking for someone who might have some sleeping pills. As she walked in, she heard a sound, "Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-*Slip!* AIEEEEEEEEE! *Tear* fwap! CLANG! *clatter, clatter!* 'Sh*t' Thud." then the shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (Running water) sound continued as if nothing happened. She ran to the bathroom and found Kirby lying unconcious on the floor. "Oh, no! Judging by the sounds I heard, He was sleeping in the shower, when an intruder turned the water on and slipped, waking Kirby up, tore the curtain down, threw it over him, hit him with the curtain rod, dropped it on his foot, said a swear word in a cute voice, and then Kirby fainted!!" She called the cops, (Despite the fact that she had the story completely wrong except for the fainting part.) and began yelling to the police officers on the phone her crazy, hysterical story. She then ran out of the bathroom, slipped on a rug, slid into a pot of red finger paint and a bag of flour, dumped them all over herself, hit the floor and fainted.
***
Tuff woke up. he was in a closet. he remembered that he had been playing hide and seek with tiff, and had fallen asleep in the closet. he stood up, yawned, stretched, and opened the door. he realized he had been in Kirby's closet. as he walked down the hall, he remembered that him and kirby had been there, playing hide and seek with Tiff. she had had to go home when she realized that she couldn't stay the night with a boy outside the family, if you know what I mean. If you don't, consult me. as he walked into the living room, he realized that the sound of running water was coming from the bathroom. he didn't hear singing or scrubbing, so he cautiously crept into the bathroom and found an unconcious Kirby with a big purple lump on his head."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" he screamed and went out to tell someone what happened. as he was screaming and running to the living room, he saw tiff, covered in "blood" and lying on the floor."AAAAAAAAAAAAAAIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! he screamed again, this time like a girl in a voice two octaves higher than normal, and ran outside. he continued to run to the police station. he ran through the woods like a cheetah with its butt on fire, and continued screaming like a little girl. just as he was about to exit the woods, he plowed into a chestnut tree at full speed, and fainted as he hit the ground.
***
"I'M GONNA MAKE IT AFTER A-AAAAAAAAAAAALL!!" King Dedede sang, and he threw his hammer into the air. Then he realized what a stupid thing he had just done, covered his head with his arms, and ran out of the way as it came down. "Ahem..." he said, and continued eating his lucky charms, when he saw... a MOUSE in his cereal. He grabbed it and threw it off the table. "Styewpid rahts, their alwees tryin' ter git me lucky charms." He said in an irish accent and laughed at his own little joke. It wasn't very funny but it was clever. as he ate his cereal, he began to get weird thoughts. "Hmmmmmmmm... I wonder if I can levitate this bowl with my mind..." He began to concentrate hard on the table with his eyes closed. he waited and waited for the table to move. Just then, he bumped the table with his spoon, and moved it (The bowl, not the spoon.) about 2 inches off the table when the bowl jumped from the force of the quick movement of the table. "YES!!!" he yelled, "I DID IT! IT WAS ONLY FOR A SECOND, BUT I DID IT!!" He continued jumping and cheering until he kocked the table over. "Oops..." He picked up the table, set it back up, got a new bowl of cereal, and sat down. That's when he heard a scream, "AAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA AIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!" He jumped up and ran to the bathroom where he had heard the scream come from. Escargoon was cowering in the bathtub screaming like a girl, and shaking. King Dedede instantly knew what was wrong. he grabbed Escargoon, pulled him out of the tub, and into the hall. Escargoon was still screaming so King Dedede slapped him hard across the face to bring him back to his senses. Escargoon shook his head and stopped screaming. He was panting and King Dedede could tell that he was scared to death. "Let me guess" he said, "That octopus monster tried to pull you in again." "Pant, pant.... Yes... He almost got me..." Escargoon had Had this problem Every since the Octorok from episode one laid an egg in the commode. "Escargoon, you can't just let him scare you like that! If you don't get him out sooner or later, He could suck you in and pull you into the pipes..." "Please, stop, you're going to make me have heart palpitations!!" said Escargoon. King Dedede continued, "And he'll wrap you in his tentacles and suck your head until you beg to die..." "Shutup, shutup, shutup!!" Escargoon covered the sides of his head and screamed. King Dedede still went on, "And he'll slow roast you with his flames..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" Escargoon was screaming loudly. "And then he'll pull you out of your shell, so you'll be naked..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" by now, he was on the floor. "And then he'll begin to separate your light & dark meat..." "SHUTUP, SHUTUP, SHUTUP!!!" Escargoon was writhing on the floor, and looked like he wanted to murder King Dedede. However, King Dedede still went on, "And then he'll eat you while you're screaming for mercy until you land in the depths of-" Escargoon opened his mouth, took a deep breath, and screamed as loud as he could, "IF YOU DON'T SHUT YOUR BIG, STUPID, WIDE, HUGE, ENOURMOUS MOUTH, I'LL GUN YOU DOWN WITH A FULLY- AUTOMATIC MACHINE GUN, YOU JERK!!!!!!!!" The force of the scream blew King Dedede's hat off and even blew him back 6 feet. Though King Dedede could order Escargoon put to death, he didn't cuz he enjoyed doing this to him. He decided he'd better quit while he was ahead. Then he said, "Okay, what can we do to get rid of our little calamari friend?" Escargoon thought. Then he began to wail, "Oh, it's hopeless! I'll never be able to get him out! I'll be eaten alive and painfully digested!! Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" Well, King Dedede just now saw how stupid he had been, and began trying to calm Escargoon down. "Ok, ok, now, calm down, that rarely ever happens! I was just trying to gross you out! and even if it does happen, I'm sure being eaten won't be so bad!" Escargoon cried harder, "Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" King Dedede slapped his hand over his eyes and yelled over Escargoon's loud wails, "Calm down! What I meant to say is, It probably WON'T happen-" "PROBABLY?!?!?!" Escargoon yelled. Needless to say, this time, he came unglued. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!! King Dedede knew he had to calm him down, or else he might go off the deep end. So he hauled of and slapped Escargoon in the face so hard that spit went flying. He shook his head and rubbed his face. "Sorry, sorry.... I guess I went a little crazy there. You did bring me back to my senses, but I'm pretty sure you just killed off alotta brain cells." He said. "I'm sorry, what did you say? I wasn't listening." King Dedede asked. "I said................... I forgot." Escargoon said.
***
Kirby woke up with a horrible headache. He was awake with his eyes closed, but he saw, through his eyelids, that there was a light above him. "Have I died and gone to heaven?" He asked, although it sounded more like, "Haff eye dyed an gontoo heffen?" He opened his eyes. No it wasn't heaven. "Aw, crud. I've gone to h*ll." He said. It sounded like, "aa cwud eyef gontoo hill." Then a voice said, "No, you're in the hospital." "Whah thee hill?" Said Kirby. He shouldn't have said that. It was not a nice thing to say. The nurse looked him over. "You can probably go home today, but your friend they found in the woods has to stay longer, because of the severity of HIS concussion." Kirby jumped up, "eyef godda go zee heeyim!" "Not now you won't!" said the nurse, "Not until the doctor says it's okay, now lie down!" "Yew bish" said Kirby. "Don't make me take your temperature with this candy thermometer!" said the nurse, holding up this HUGE thermometer, and Kirby shut up.(If you don't get it, consult me.) He lay back wondering if Tiff knew about her brother. So he asked the nurse, "Duss Diff noe ubbowd her brudder?" The nurse turned around. "Funny you sould ask" She said, "Tiff was found covered in blood in your house..." "Id by howz?!?!?!" Kirby exclaimed, "Budd how?!?!?!" "Let me finish!" said the nurse, "Anyway, they took her to the ambulence only to find that she was covered in paint and flour, not blood, but she did have a slight concussion, so they took her in. she got out an hour ago." Just then tiff walked in. "I'm here to see Kirby." She said. "Diff!" Kirby said, "Diddyew heer ubboud your brudder?" "Yes" Tiff said, "apparrently, he was sleepin' in your house, when he saw us and ran to get help, and that's when he was injured. we still don't know who or what did it. probably the guy who injured you." "Nowwun innjerd mee!" Kirby said, "eye herd yew cumm een aneye droppt thee zope an zlippt onnid. thee curdan vell down ann overr mee, an then thee rag vell an hid mee od thee hed, eye zwor ad id enn eye fainded!" "Oh." said Tiff, "The police were royally p*ssed at me when they told me you weren't attacked, that your concussion was a result of your own stupidity." "Thoze Bazzderds!!!" He said, "Thaye shood tock! Thoze buddheds done eben noe how too doo there jobs! Thay are freegin' idiuss!" "Watch your mouth." Said Tiff . Then the Doctor comes in. "Kirby" he said, "You can leave now. If you want, you can go see your friend in room 341B in the head trauma ward." Kirby Jumped up and ran to the room Tuff was in. "Duff!" he said, "Whoo hid yew?" "Doe wud hid bee" said tuff, in a voice even more distorted than Kirby's, "I rad iddoo a dree." "Yer boyss id werss dan bine." said Kirby. "Dats cuss eye hid a dree add dine huddredd biles ad owwer widd by hedd." said Tuff.
***
Meanwhile, King Dedede was Lying on his back in the floor, blowing one of his feathers up and down in the air. He'd been doing this for 6 hours now. "Gee," he thought, "I wonder who has been sending me those love notes. Whoever it is probably won't admit it and- ACK!" He sat up coughing and heaving because he'd sucked in the feather. Escargoon ran in when he heard the coughing, took one look, and tried to do the heimlich. When he discovered that King Dedede's belly was too big, he went to get the tank. While he was gone, King Dedede ran to the chair, threw himself over the back and coughed up the wet, phlegmy feather, and then some. When Escargoon came to get him, he told him it was okay. "But you still need medical attention." said Escargoon. "No I don't." Said King Dedede "But what if some of the feather is still stuck in your lung?" "So?" "You could choke again." "Yeah?" "Um... While we're there, you can cough on the sterile surgical gloves." "Let's go!" So they got into the tank and left. While King Dedede was riding shotgun, he began to sing a jump roping chant under his breath:
"You came home puking, weaving, I suggest that you be leaving. You just looked blitzed and stinking, What the h*ll have you been drinking? I'm guessing it was turpentine, That's why you are barfing slime. I'm guessing that you did cut class, someone needs to arrest your *ss Vodka, gin, rum, scotch, beer, Don't bring that junk into here. Wine, sake, hard lemonade, You need AA I'm afraid. Bloody mary, dry martini, You are such a stupid weenie. Tequila, and margarita, This chant is, Bittersweeta How many shots, can he take? 1 shot, 2 shot, 3 shot, 4, You are passed out on the floor!
When they pulled into the hospital parking lot, They ran inside and went up to the receptionist, who was a little bit screwy. The conversation went like this:
King Dedede: I'm here for a lung X-ray.
Receptionist: Sir, there are no bones in your lungs. I dont think you have to worry about a broken lung.
King Dedede: Broken lung? What the heck are you talking about?
Receptionist: You can't break a lung because there are no bones in it. Unless you broke a rib and it's stuck in your lung.
King Dedede: Broken rib? Lung bones? Where the heck are you getting that idea? I never said anything about ribs or bones!
Receptionist: Sir, a rib IS a bone. And it's not part of your lung.
King Dedede: I never said it was! I said I'm here for a lung X- ray, and there are no bones in my lungs!
Receptionist: Exactly.
King Dedede: EXACTLY WHAT?!?!?! I'M HERE FOR A CHEST X- RAY AND I DON'T HAVE A RIB STUCK IN MY LUNGS!!!
Receptionist: Oh, so NOW it's a chest X- ray. I think you're just trying to bug me.
King Dedede:IF YOU DONT GET ME IN THERE RIGHT NOW FOR A CHEST X- RAY, I SWEAR I'M GOING TO STAPLE A FLAG TO YOUR BUTT AND HANG YOU BY YOUR TONGUE ON A FREAKIN' RUSTY FLAG POLE!!!
Needless to say, the receptionist got him down to the radiology lab for a chest X- ray. The rest of the period in the waiting room was uneventful, except King Dedede went and coughed on the sterile surgical gloves.
***
Meanwhile, Kirby, Tiff, and Tuff were sitting in the waiting room because they had just heard King Dedede was there, and wanted to know if he was planning to give any fatal diseases to anyone in the hospital. This is were the two stories meet. They heard a doctor saying, "Okay King Dedede, There was no feather, but you sure are as phlegmy as all get out. I'll perscibe some medication to get rid of all that snot in your lungs." He handed him a piece of paper, and King Dedede walked out only to have Tiff, Tuff, and Kirby corner him and say, "Alright, you! What are you planning, and why are you suddenly becoming addicted to perscription decongestants?" "What the H*ll are you talking about? I was just here to be X- rayed because..." He trailed off. "Because what?" said Tiff. He took a deep breath and said (Quickly), "Iwaslyingonthefloorthinkingandblowingoneofmyownfeathersintheairandiaccedent allysuckedinthefeatherandwheni cougheditupicameheretomakesureididn'thaveanypiecesofthefeatherstillstuckinmy lungsandwhenthedoctorsawhowphlegmyiwashegavemetheperscription." He took a breath, "Does that answer your question, you little rats?" "Yes." said Tiff. Then suddenly, they heard a loud scream. A man ran out of the women's restroom and out the door down the street. King Dedede, Kirby, Escargoon, Tiff, and Tuff all ran to the womens restroom. There was another man in there who was holding a knife. "King Dedede! Stop him!" said Kirby King Dedede took one look at the horrible scene in front of them. There was no word horrible enough to describe what was in the floor "Ugh!" he said. he turned away and tried to catch the guy, but he was so mezmorized by the sight of all the gore that he missed. A doctor runs in and sees the gory scene. "What happened in here?!?!?!" asks the doctor. "We saw a guy run out of this bathroom, so we came in, found his partner, tried to stop him, he got away, and- King Dedede, what are you doing?" "his eyes were wide, his head was lolling around, and he was mumbling. "So... Much... Gore..." Then he turned a shade of green normally only seen in houseplants. "Excuse me!" He said. Then, clutching his chubby belly in his hands, he ran to the nearest stall, and......................... Well, all I will say is that there were plenty of disgusting sounds coming from the stall. (Once again, if you don't understand, consult me.) "Ewwwww..." Said Tiff. It sounds like a barroom bathroom in here!" "Or that bachelor party that Chief Bookum busted up that year!" Said King Dedede's shaky voice from the stall. Then Chief Bookum busts in and sees the horrible scene in front of him. "Good Lord!" he said, "This looks like a scene from those 'Psycho' Movies!" He turned to Tiff and asked,"Were you four the only ones who saw the guys who were involved flee the scene?" "Five" said Tiff, "King Dedede's in the first stall.... Um... Shall we say, "Forcefully ejecting his breakfast the same way it came in." "Huh?" Said Chief "He's "heaving forth" said Tiff "What?" said Chief "Of for the love of- Okay, I'll say this VERY slowly so you can comprehend. King... Dedede... Is... In... The... First... Stall... Barfing." "YECH!!" said Chief Bookum "T.M.I., TIFF!!!" Yells King Dedede, apparently embarrased. Chief Bookum got a funny look and paused. "I'm not sure quite how to ask this... but... we need your help. All of you." "Why?" said Tiff "Come with me and I'll show you... after King Dedede finishes barfing.
***
When they got to the police station, Chief Bookum began to explain. "We have heard reports of a ghost wandering the woods that supposedly possesses it's victims' minds by giving them the worst torture of tortures." "You mean...?" said King Dedede. "Yes." said Chief, "It makes them watch movies starring Anna Nicole Smith for hours on end." King Dedede shuddered, "Blasphemous." he said. "What do you want us to do?" asked Tuff. "I want to know if you will search the woods for any signs of paranormal activity." said Chief. King Dedede balked at first, "I don't know... I'm really not on friendly terms with these guys, and I've never been camping before." "Aw, come on!" said Tiff, "We need someone strong to protect us! And that means you'd get to beat the ever-living crap out of anyone who crosses us. Plus we'd get to tell scary stories." King Dedede paused in an unsure way. "And we could play vicious practical jokes on the locals." "Okay, I'm convinced." said King Dedede. "Great!" said Cheif, "You leave tomorrow.
End of Chapter 1
