Part Two: Things Get Crazier...

"When I'm not around you," Anakin informed Padme as they pulled apart, "My soul is in eter...uh...eterm...etern..."

Padme opened her mouth to suggest something, but Anakin shushed her quickly.

"I know what I'm doing!" he snapped irritably. "What do you think I am, some sort of idiot??"

A fit of rogue coughing escaped Padme's mouth at this proclamation, but Anakin paid her no mind-couldn't she see he was trying to think??

With a brave smile, he once again attempted at it. "When I'm not around you, my soul is in...er...skip that word. Torm...term...torma-"

"Your soul is in eternal torment?" Padme supplied dryly.

"No! That's not what I meant at all!" Anakin responded defiantly. "What I meant was, when I'm not with you, my soul hurts all the time!"

"Oh, hoooow romantic!" Padme sighed sarcastically. She smiled, hoping that Anakin would catch this bit of sarcasm.

No such luck: he obviously didn't, for he kept talking.

"At night, when I'm laying there, all I can think of is you..."

Padme gave him a mental round of applause for completing a coherent sentence.

"And then..." Anakin bit his lip. He was starting to run out of swoon-worthy words! "Then I think of you! And think, are you thinking of me, thinking of you thinking of me?"

"Well, actually," Padme said slowly, "I'm usually, you know, thinking about the fact that I could be executed at any given moment."

"Fine," Anakin sulked. "Be that way. So what if you'd rather think of your own life than think of me thinking of you thinking of me!"

"Sometimes I think of you," Padme said truthfully.

And resist the urge to go find that assassin and let them do their business, she added silently.

Anakin's eyes widened. "You do? You think of me?"

Padme nodded earnestly. "Yes, of course I do! Why wouldn't I? We're, er, meant to be!"

"Oh, Padme! Do you really mean it?" Anakin started babbling like an 11 year old at an *NSync concert. (Okay, so there is no *NSync in SW, oh, waaait, MAYBE there was! Hmm..)

"YES!" Padme shrieked. "But I'm ONLY saying this because George told me to!"

"George?" Anakin asked blankly. "Who's George?"

"He was just HERE, you idiot!" Padme cried. "You know, the guy who's responsible for our very existences? At the moment I really want to do him severe bodily harm!!"

"Leave the bodily harm up to me," Anakin said, puffing out his chest proudly. "I'm going to be a Jedi Knight. You're just a politician."

"AT LEAST I CAN SPELL MY OWN NAME!" she screeched.

Anakin opened his mouth to say something, but the look on Padme's face, well, frightened him, so he closed it again.

"Weeeeell," Padme said, giving him the Look. "Are you going to say something?"

"Oh, uh, yeah," he replied stupidly. "Well, I can spell my own name!"

Ooh, what a comeback, Padme thought.

"Oh, really?" she raised her eyebrow. "Spell it!"

"All right," Anakin said, rolling up his sleeves. "A-N-I-K-K-I-N! HA!" He stuck his tongue out at Padme.

Padme's jaw dropped. "Wow, you really proved me wrong, Annie! You CAN spell your name."

Okay, okay, so she DIDN'T say that.

Instead, she burst out laughing. "A-N-I-K-K-I-N? You think that's how you spell your name? Whoo, I'd like to see you spell your LAST name!"

Anakin decided to take on the challenge. "Okay! S-K-I-E-W-A-K-K-R-E!"

Padme stopped laughing and looked at Anakin with her eyes wide. "Are you serious?"

Anakin looked at her, confused. "Yeeees."

"You really think that's how you spell your name?" she asked.

"Um, yes," he said truthfully. He stuck out his chest. "Are you telling me that I spelt it WRONG?"

Padme walked up to Anakin and whispered in his ear. "Do you want me to slap you again?"

Anakin jumped back. "NO!"

"THEN LEARN HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME!" Padme shrieked.

"Do you think the ability to spell my name will really benefit me as a Jedi??" Anakin asked haughtily. "I bet Obi-Wan doesn't know how to spell his name! It's not a big deal!"

Oh-so-luckily, Obi Wan burst in at that very moment, apparently looking for the two.

Thank YODA, thought Padme gratefully.

"Obi-Wan," she said sweetly, "Could you please spell your name for us?"

Obi-Wan looked a bit confused. "Er...sure. Capital O-B-I-hyphen-capital-W-A-N-space-capital-K-E-N-O-B-I."

Padme smiled, pleased. "Correct."

Anakin pulled a face at his master. "Show-off," he mouthed behind Padme's back.

"You're just jealous 'cause your girlfriend likes me better!" Obi-Wan returned as soon as Padme's gaze wavered from him.

"Yeah right!" Anakin cried. "I'm way better than you! What can you do that's so impressive? You have a BEARD!"

"I can SING!" Obi-Wan returned with flourish.

"WHAT can you sing?" Anakin asked skeptically, crossing his arms. "Your B C A's??"

"Just watch and learn, my Padawan," Obi-Wan returned smoothly. With a suave snap of his fingers, Mace Windu, Yoda, and Jar-Jar appeared behind him.

"I could do that if I wanted to," Anakin said bitterly, wrinkling up his nose.

Obi-Wan ignored him, and instead struck a pose that Mace, Yoda, and Jar-Jar immediately copied.

"OOOBBBIIII-WWWAAANNN!" cried Mace.

An audible sigh escaped Padme's lips.

"Straight guys don't dance, Padme," Anakin informed her desperately as she stared in awe at Obi-Wan.

"Oh, girl," Obi-Wan sang, pointing at Padme and causing her to swoon a bit, "You know I love you."

"All Jedi report to space station Alpha Quadrant by order of the Force!" some strange and mysterious voice called, echoing through their ears.

"Who was that?" Anakin asked irritably.

"Who cares?!" Padme breathed. "Shut up, Obi-Wan is singing!"

"La dee da," deadpanned Anakin, actually mastering the gift of sarcasm for the first (and last) time in his life.

"Oh, girl, it ain't over yet!" proclaimed Obi-Wan, performing a series of complex dance moves in unison with Yoda, Mace Windu, and Jar-Jar.

"You thought you'd done my heart like you was Boba Fett!"

"Boba Fett's a ten year old kid!" protested Anakin desperately.

"Shut up!" Padme hissed, eyes not moving from Obi-Wan. "He's so amazing with words!"

"Without you I feel so alone!" Obi-Wan continued.

"Aww!" a little sympathetic wail escaped Padme's lips.

"Like I was attacked!" Obi-Wan sang out in his knee-weakening tenor. "Attacked by cloooones!"

Anakin had once again returned to the 'squeeze-fist-and-suffocate-people' method, but it was still rather unsuccessful.

"I'm a Jedi Knight in these Jedi days!" Yoda, Mace, and Jar-Jar joined Obi-Wan in singing the chorus. "I can't forget these Jedi ways!"

"Yeahsa yeahsa yeahsa yeahsa!" Jar-Jar chanted.

"These robes are fresh," Mace proclaimed, lifting up the sleeve of his tan Jedi robe in evidence.

"Think you're dope, I do!" Yoda continued, green ears wriggling.

"Ahh," Obi-Wan sang out, nearing Padme.

This was too much for our favorite queen-turned-senator. Overcome by his gift for song, she collapsed into his arms.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi," she finished desperately. "'Cause you're my only hope!"

And as quickly as they had come, Mace Windu, Yoda, and to everyone's pleasure, Jar-Jar had disappeared.

"That was... amazing!" Padme breathed, still in Obi-Wan's arms.

"That -" Anakin laughed. "That was nothing!"

Anakin struggled to suavely snap his fingers, but eventually gave up.

"Prepare to be amazed!" he said to Padme, his eyebrows raised.

"Yo, yo, yo! It's big Darth Vada comin' atcha!" boomed a voice above their heads.

Padme watched in horror as the lights dimmed and Emperial Storm Troopers began to appear behind Anakin. A large, silver medallion in the shape of a closed fist was around his neck. "Some people think I'm a big evil daddy!" Anakin began to rap. "But they'll never know the wonderful man I am inside!"

Padme and Obi-Wan doubled over, violently coughing.

"Sure when I grow up, I'll kill lotsa peoples," Anakin continued, dancing (AKA bobbing in place) in the circle of the Storm Troopers. "But that's in the future! I wanna talk about here and now!"

"Yo, yo, yo!" A miscellaneous Storm Trooper shouted in Obi-Wan's face. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

"The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Ya got it?" Anakin waved his arms in Padme's face, his medallion smacking his head.

"He's gonna squeeze his fist," The Storm Troopers bellowed. "And nod his head!"

Anakin began head-banging, his ponytail and braid flying.

"Nod his head," The troopers echoed quietly.

"Some may think that I'm a hunk!" Anakin said. "But you just wait until I take a chunk... outta you!"

"Outta yoooooou!" they echoed.

"The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Yo, yo, yo!" Anakin and the Storm Troopers said in unison. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha! Yo, yo, yo! The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

They stopped dancing and all took a deep breath at once, preparing to enlighten Obi-Wan and Padme in another round of the chorus.

"STOP!" Obi-Wan and Padme shouted, waving their hands in the air. "Just STOP!"

"Too hot to handle, right babe?" Anakin asked suavely, still bobbing his head to a nonexistent beat. Of course, in his rather slow mind, the fact that the music had stopped had not yet registered.

This was too much for an already frighteningly-angry Padme. Face flushing a frightening shade of red, she proclaimed in a deadly whisper, "Never. Call. Me. Babe."

Fury was pulsating through her veins...she'd gone off the edge, ladies and gents. Yup. Annie had crossed the line. Gone too far. Pressed the limits. Flirted with disaster for just a millisecond too long. St-

...well, you get the point.

With a shriek of anger, Padme pulled the elaborate headdress that had decorated her dark tresses from her head and began smashing it over Anakin's own (thick) skull.

"YOU STUPID-" she shouted, "IDIOTIC...MORANIC...BRAINDEAD-"

A strange idea had suddenly popped into Anakin's mind. Could it be? Was it possible that Padme was the slightest bit irritated with him?

"YOU STUPID, BRAINLESS GIT!" Padme continued, bashing her headdress against Anakin's nose, most likely breaking it.

"Padme!" Anakin shouted, coming to the brilliant conclusion of moving out of her reach. "Why all this? What have I ever done to you?"

Padme stood there, dumbfounded. "EXCUSE ME? What have YOU ever done to ME?"

"Yeah!" Anakin said defensively. "What have you ever done to me??"

He paused for a moment and fingered his heavily bleeding nose, then hastily corrected himself. "Er...I mean, what have I ever done to you?"

"Your stupidity!" screeched Padme. Obi-Wan chuckled lightly behind them before disappearing off to fight the forces of evil while still looking quite devilishly attractive (you know, for a guy over 30.)

"You're so painfully unintelligent!" Padme continued. "It makes my brain ACHE to be around you! Who can't spell their own name? WHO?!?!"

"I don't know!" Anakin shot back. "You should go find someone and ask them, because I can spell my name, thankyouverymuch!"

Padme looked at Anakin and sighed dreamily. "You know, I bet Palo could spell his name..."

Anakin groaned. "Oh, no, not HIM again!"

"He had a really long, complicated last name too," Padme said, resting her chin in her hand. "I remember on Valentine's Day, he gave me a card that had his name on it in loopy cursive letters that made my knees weak..."

"Shh!" Anakin cocked his head sideways, listening at some unheard sound.

"What is it?" Padme whispered, straining her ears to listen.

"Shh!" he hissed again. A moment later, he started bobbing his head, the supposed sound still unheard. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

"AHHH!" Padme screamed. "You're HOPELESS!"

"You got a problem wit da big Darth Vada, yo?" Anakin asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest and continuing to bop, bop, bop the head. "Wuzzup wit you?"

"Oh, good GOD, Anakin," Padme cried, distressed.

"Who'z dis Anakin?" he asked, uncrossing his arms and waving them vigorously as he spoke. "Diz is Big D V!"

This was too much to take. No one deserved this much torture, this much pain! What was the point of living when you were stuck with someone as horrifically unintelligent as Anakin?

Er...excuse me: Big DV.

"Just take me!" Padme shrieked upwards, collapsing to her knees. "I can't live like this! I can't take it anymore! I'd rather be dead! I'd rather marry Jar-Jar!"

Suddenly, the whole sky seemed to open above them, and a booming voice proclaimed, "Your wish is my command!"

And ever-so-magically, everyone's favorite Gungan appeared in all his strange-voiced glory!

"Weesa get married, Senator?" he asked.

"NO!" Anakin cut in. "NO! You don't go stealin' my girl, you [censored censored]!"

"Anakin, cut the stupid rapper crap!" shrieked Padme. "Please!"

Now, Anakin was angry. REALLY angry. You didn't just go around stealing the future Mrs. Big DV.

In one last desperate attempt, he squeezed his hand into a fist with all his might. A horrific squeak escaped Jar Jar's throat, and he collapsed to the ground.

"Whoa!" Anakin said in awe. "Sweet! It worked!"

And with that, he burst into a fit of spastic dance moves, chanting, "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

Finally, the stress got to Padme. She put her head in her hands and cried.

But did Anakin give any attention to Padme? Oh, no siree! He just kept dancing away, his huge medallion still hitting him in the head. "The Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"

Suddenly, Padme's TRUE wish (or at least the wish of every rabid Moulin Rouge fan who had seen Star Wars) was granted; Obi-Wan Kenobi appeared and rushed over to where she had collapsed in a fit of desolate sobs.

"Padme, darling, what's wrong?" he asked, wrapping her in his arms.

"Obi-Wan, I'm sorry..." she whispered. "I'm - I'm... dying..."

"AHHHHH!"

Padme and Obi-Wan jumped as Anakin came running over to Obi-Wan. "DON'T. TOUCH. HER." he said through his teeth. He waved his hand in Obi-Wan's face and oh-so-slowly, closed it into a fist.

"Ack!" Obi-Wan choked, withering on the floor.

"OBI-WAN!" Padme shrieked. "Anakin! Stop it!" She hit him over the head with her headdress again.

"Stop! Anakin, stop!" A very agitated, bearded man made his way over to the three.

"GEORGE!" Padme cried. "Make him stop!"

"Let me have this," George said, motioning to her headdress.

"Oh, gladly," she said, handing it to him.

WHACK!

"Owww! George!" Anakin whined, loosening his fist and clutching his throbbing head.

"Why'd you do that?"

"You don't kill Obi-Wan until the fourth movie!" George shouted.

"What did you say, George?" Obi-Wan asked, gasping for breath and massaging his throat.

"Nothing!" George and Padme said instantly.

"He said -" Anakin started with a malicious grin on his face.

WHACK! George hit the headdress against Anakin's head once more, and this time, succeeding in knocking him out.

"There you go," George said, capturing the essence of the humble hero to perfection.

"Oh, thank you George!" Padme exclaimed, throwing her arms around George. He patted her back grimly.

"You can't escape him forever, my dear," he informed her, tone grave. "There's no way around it...he's going to be the father of your children."

"Why?" wailed Padme, eyeing Obi-Wan. "There are much better candidates for that position!"

"That's just the way it goes," George responded. "But since he IS unconscious, you may as well take advantage of the opportunity."

Obi-Wan winked roguishly at Padme, and a stream of giggles escaped her lips.

"Hey, baby," he said, making his way over to her.

"Wait!" George said, holding up his hands. "In a PG manner, remember."

Obi-Wan groaned. "Damn those MPAA morons!"

George put his hands on Obi-Wan and Padme's shoulders.

"Now, you two be good," he said with an amused smile. "I've got a meeting with another director from another galaxy far, far away."

To be continued, this time with a dash of Rouge...