Part Three: Things Get Rougey-licious
"I've got a meeting with another director from a galaxy far, far away..."
After uttering those fateful words, the air exploded into a burst of red smoke and loud, raunchy chants of "BECAUSE YOU CAN-CAN-CAN! YES YOU CAN-CAN-CAN!" And with them came a particularly stunning red-headed woman, a dark-haired handsome young man who looked eerily like Obi-Wan in his pre-beard days, and a silver-haired man.
"Could he be a...clone??" Anakin asked, sitting up and rubbing at his head. (In Attack of the Clones? NAH! NEVER!)
"Christian!" cried Obi-Wan, leaving Padme's side at once and flinging his arms around his...clone.
"Obi-Wan!"
Obi-Wan turned to Padme, his arm still around his "clone." "Padme! This is -"
He stopped suddenly as he saw Padme wiggling her eyebrows in Christian's direction.
"Excuse me!" exclaimed the stunning red-head, noticing Padme's scandalous actions. "What do you think you're doing?"
Padme stared at her, her mouth hanging up.
"What?" she shrieked after a moment. "What do you think I'm doing?! What do you think you're doing! Making suggestive gestures to Obi-Wan like that?! You're messing with the wrong girl!"
She put her hand on her hip and glared at the woman.
"Er," the 'clone', who will from now on be known as Christian, because...well, that is his name, "Satine? Padme? Really, it's not a big deal-"
"Don't interfere!" snapped the redhead, who will from now on be known as Satine, because...well, that is her name. "I'm THIS close to leaving you for the Duke!"
Christian fell silent at once, and he and Obi-Wan studied the glaring young women.
Anakin, in his dazzling stupidity, was now positive that the two were fighting over him.
"Ladiez, ladiez," he muttered, bobbing his head, "Dere'z enough of da Big DV to go around, yo."
He stood up and made his way over to the two women, his thumbs hooked in his belt. "Gurlz, gurlz," he muttered, bobbing his head. "Dere'z enough of da Big DV to go around, ladies!"
"Anakin, stay. Out. Of. It." Padme hissed through her teeth.
"Who are you?" The woman currently known as Satine asked.
Anakin rolled his eyes. "Don'tcha listen, yo? I be..." He clapped his hands (For, as you know, he cannot snap his fingers correctly). Suddenly, several Storm Troopers rushed out and surrounded Anakin, Padme and Satine. "Da Big Darth Vada, yo!"
"Uuuuuuh-oooooooh," The Storm Troopers chanted. "Da big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"
"No! Anakin, STOP!" Obi-Wan pushed a couple Storm Troopers aside (With his oh-so-manly strength, of course!) and grabbed Anakin's shoulders. He waved his hand in front of Anakin's face. "You will be smarter."
Anakin shot Obi-Wan his signature 'Oh, I am a SEXY BEAST!' look that, strangely enough, causes many girls around the galaxies to swoon and said, ""Who u tink u b kiddin, yo!"
Obi-Wan turned around to face everyone and gasped. "He's too stupid! Even my Jedi mind tricks don't work on him!"
A collective gasp sounded.
"The Jedi Mind Tricks have failed??" Padme asked incredulously from where she stood frozen, about to yank some of Satine's perfect locks out of her head. Satine in turn had her teeth positioned at the perfect angle to sink into Padme's arm.
"This is shocking!" cried Christian.
"Terrifying!" added Satine.
"Horrible!" agreed Obi-Wan.
"Absolutely brilliant!" cried Baz (also known as silver-haired man) and George in unison.
"Brilliant?!" Obi-Wan hissed. "My mind tricks have failed, and you think it's BRILLIANT?!"
"It's great!" Baz cried enthusiastically. "I can just picture it now-" he waved his arms wildly in the air, "-Moulin Rouge meets Star Wars!"
George nodded enthusiastically. "Storm troopers AND can-canning courtesans!"
"Frog smooshing dukes AND space ships!" added Baz.
Together they stared upward, dreamy expressions on their faces, and murmured two magical words in unison.
"Star Whores."
The Star Wars theme blasted through the air, mingling with energetic shouts of "BECAUSE WE CAN CAN-CAN!"
"Whoo!" cheered Satine and Padme, freeing each other from assorted grasps of death.
"Oh yeah!" Obi-Wan and Christian exchanged high-fives.
"And it'z gonna be starrin' Da Big DV, yo!" Anakin cried, waving his fists in the air.
Suddenly, the music stopped, Satine and Padme stared, Obi-Wan and Christian froze in mid-air.
"What?" they all whispered in unison.
Anakin snorted. "I said and it'z gonna be starrin' Da Big DV, yo!"
"But, uh," Baz stammered. "What does 'Da Big DV' have to do with Moulin Rouge?"
Anakin gave an exasperated sigh. "What does Obi-Wan have to do with Moo-lin Rouge? What does Padme have to do with Moo-lin Rouge?"
George turned to Baz. "He has a point..."
"NO!" Everyone shouted.
"No! He doesn't have a point!" Obi-Wan insisted.
"Anakin, you can't be in Star Whores because... because there are no evil people in it," Padme said.
"What about the Duke?" Christian pointed out.
"Shh!" Baz and Satine hissed.
"Drop it!" Satine mouthed to Christian.
"I'm gonna be evil?" Anakin exclaimed, a look of pure delight on his face. "WHOO-HOO!" He began to jump around, punching the air with his fist chanting, "Da Big Darth Vada comin' atcha!"
George hid his head in his hands. "You blew it, Padme... You blew it..."
"Um...did I say evil people?" Padme asked, laughing nervously. "I meant...too hot to handle people."
"Too hot to handle people?" Anakin repeating, starting to bob his head as he fingered his medallion. "You mean, like SEXY BEAST people?"
Padme nodded vigorously. "Yeah! Yeah! Like YOU, Annie! Isn't he HOT, Satine?"
"Yeah," scoffed Satine. "In a hairless dog kind of way."
"Duuuuh?" Anakin asked stupidly.
"I mean, yeah, yeah," Satine said, nodding along with Padme. "You're one hot little stud muffin there. I've seen lots of guys, and you're definitely the...hottest-" she looked as though she was going to be sick, "-I've seen."
"Well, babe," Anakin said, now bobbing his head so violently that his braid made loud SWOOSHing noises, "Da Big DV's been known to have dat effect on da ladiez!"
He edged closer to her, swinging an arm around Satine's shoulders.
"Hey!" Christian cried indignantly. "That's my lady you're affecting!"
"Yo," Anakin said, waving his hands wildly in Christian's face in true stupid-rapper fashion. "Me tinks dat she need a real man yo!"
"Oh yes," Satine purred, seductress smile perfectly in place. "I need a real man."
And with that, she pushed Anakin to the ground and slung her arms over his shoulders, sitting in his lap. He studied her, dazed.
"Whoa," he sighed, Da Big DV temporarily gone, "You're so pretty! Your eyes are like circles! Your-"
"Don't even start, buster," Padme warned.
"You're a much better poet than Christian," she breathed, tracing his jawline with her finger.
"Hey!" Christian wailed, looking extremely hurt. "What about 'come what may', Satine?!"
"You're so wonderful," Satine continued to Anakin. "You're too good for Star Whores. You need your own picture...in another galaxy...far, far away..."
"But you'll miss me, right?" Anakin asked, beaming.
Satine nodded, eyes wide. "Ohhh, yes. Terribly."
"But a man's gotta do what a man's gotta do!" Anakin said, puffing out his chest and flexing his arms oh-so-subtly. "And I suppose I gotta go."
"I'll cry myself to sleep every night," Satine assured him earnestly.
"Sa-tine!" Christian whined.
"But how about a big smackeroo before I go?" Anakin asked.
Now, here Satine's perfect little seductress act wavered for a split second. Was she actually expected to kiss that moron?? For all she knew, every teensy ounce of knowledge would be sucked from her mind when their lips met!
Just...ugh.
But she had to do it, for the sake of the show!
And the rest of humanity.
"Of...course," she said tentatively, forcing a weak smile.
"YAY!" Anakin shrieked, then immediately began to bounce around in circles. "She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna kiss me!"
He stopped in front of Padme and stuck his tongue out. "She's prettier than youuu! And she wants to kiss me!"
"Shame," Padme drawled, wondering precisely when he'd decided to give up Da Big DV in favor of a helium-high ten year old.
"She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna kiss me! She's gonna-"
"NOOOOO!!!!!!"
Everyone froze and stared curiously at Christian.
"This is NOT happening again," Christian yelled. "I repeat, it is NOT. First that demented frog stomper of a duke, and now...HIM?"
Satine rolled her eyes in exasperation. For the love of God! This 'jealousy will drive you mad' thing really got old.
"If one of us will end up with her, it will be fair and square," Christian announced gravely, sending a death glare at Anakin. Anakin stared at him with surprised stupidity, tongue hanging out of his mouth. "I challenge you to a Sing To Win Her Heart contest."
*Dun dun DUN!* In the next chapter, the contest will take place, with two...interesting judges. *Mwahaha!*
