Author's note: Thanks to everyone who reviewed the first chapter- I really
appreciate the feedback :) I was on a roll last night, so this is a
parallel to the first chapter- the closing scene of "The Advocate" from
Carter's point of view. Please read and review, I live for feedback!
Enjoy!
***
"What do I have to say? What do I have to do to get through to you?"
Abby looked back at me, not saying a word. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to love her, I really did. But she didn't want me to. I know when I'm not wanted. So I walk away.
And she doesn't come after me.
I don't know why I expected her to. I mean, she kept trying to push me away, kept trying to make me break up with her. That's the problem with Abby. She's had such a rough life, so she puts up a wall to the rest of the world. On the outside, she seems tough, angry, unhappy, indifferent. Incapable of loving. But I know Abby. Behind that wall is a scared woman trying to deal with all the crap life throws at her. Someone who is capable of joking, of having fun, of being happy. Someone who wants -and needs- love.
I walk to my car and get inside, out of the biting wind. I slam the door shut. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sure, being with Abby has been a challenge. Hell, just knowing Abby is a challenge sometimes. She's had to deal with so much shit over the years- her family, her failed marriage, her alcoholism- but then again, so have I. Abby is the only one who could ever understand my drug problem. She's the one who saved me from it in the first place. She's been inside addiction. She knows what it's about.
And I know she loves me, even if she doesn't show it all the time. I know that every time she tries to push me away, she's only trying to protect me. She never wanted to break my heart.
But even if she didn't mean to, my heart's breaking anyway.
Maybe we were never right together in the first place. We come from two completely different worlds. She grew up with a single, bipolar mom who disappeared and was never on her meds. Abby never had much, but she managed to get by.
And then there's me. I grew up with everything a kid could ever want. Clothes, toys, ponies- I got anything I asked for. But money was never enough for me. I wanted something more than money could buy. I wanted to help people, make a difference in their lives.
Of course, there's the stuff we have in common. The painful pasts, the dysfunctional families, the addiction. The love for working in the ER.
The love we have for each other.
Why the hell did I walk away from her? I'm not just losing my girlfriend. I'm losing Abby- the best friend I ever had.
Think about it, John. She's quitting smoking. She's trying to stop drinking. Yeah, so maybe she's doing it for you. Maybe she wants a quick fix. But does it matter anyway? She's changing. She's trying to stop doing the things that are hurting her and people around her.
Including me.
If she's doing it for me, does that make a difference? She's doing it. And maybe, just maybe, she's doing it for herself. Maybe this time it really will last. Crazier things have happened.
So why not give her the benefit of the doubt?
All of a sudden, I know what I have to do. I love Abby, just the way she is. If she changes, that's great. But I don't need her to change. Maybe now isn't the right time to propose, but it sure as hell isn't the right time to break up.
I turn the key in the ignition, and the jeep starts. I drive the short distance to Abby. She's walking away. I get out of the car, ready to scream after her, when she turns around.
She looks at me, and I look at her. She holds up her arms in a half-shrug, but she looks just like a scared little kid, looking for someone to hug. How could I ever leave her like this? I take a step towards her and pause. She takes a step towards me. Slowly, step by step, second by agonizing second, we come closer. Now we're just a step apart.
I'm not quite sure what to do now. Do I say something? Do I hug her? Do we just stand here in silence? Abby answers the question for me when she puts her head on my shoulder. The shoulder she's cried on so many times before. I wrap my arms around her, and a second later, I feel her arms tighten around me. We stand there for what seems like forever, because it just seems right.
Finally, I break away from the hug. Abby looks up at me, asking silent questions with her eyes. I look back at her, and for a moment, I can't get over just how beautiful she is, hair whipping in the wind and everything.
"I don't ever want to lose you, Abby."
There. I said it. I don't ever want to lose her. I could never walk away from her again. Whether she changes or not, I love her. I love Abby. Not just the good parts of Abby, but all of her- smoking, drinking, and bipolar relatives included. She understands me, and she loves me. Behind that wall, I know she loves me. I know she needs me.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, Carter."
And now I know for sure that she feels the same way. I smile and wrap my arm around her waist, leading her to the Jeep. I open the passenger door for her and she hops in. As I walk around the front of the car, I am suddenly reminded of our first kiss.
She asked me if we were gonna be okay, and I told her that we would be. Of course, she was talking about the threat of smallpox, but now I realize that I told the truth about our relationship right at the beginning. It would take work, yes, but we could rebuild our relationship. We will be okay.
We are gonna be okay.
***
Thanks for reading- and please don't forget to review, even if it's just to tell me how much it sucked. I appreciate constructive criticism just as much as the good reviews :)
Enjoy!
***
"What do I have to say? What do I have to do to get through to you?"
Abby looked back at me, not saying a word. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to love her, I really did. But she didn't want me to. I know when I'm not wanted. So I walk away.
And she doesn't come after me.
I don't know why I expected her to. I mean, she kept trying to push me away, kept trying to make me break up with her. That's the problem with Abby. She's had such a rough life, so she puts up a wall to the rest of the world. On the outside, she seems tough, angry, unhappy, indifferent. Incapable of loving. But I know Abby. Behind that wall is a scared woman trying to deal with all the crap life throws at her. Someone who is capable of joking, of having fun, of being happy. Someone who wants -and needs- love.
I walk to my car and get inside, out of the biting wind. I slam the door shut. I can't believe I just did that. I can't believe I just threw away the best thing that ever happened to me.
Sure, being with Abby has been a challenge. Hell, just knowing Abby is a challenge sometimes. She's had to deal with so much shit over the years- her family, her failed marriage, her alcoholism- but then again, so have I. Abby is the only one who could ever understand my drug problem. She's the one who saved me from it in the first place. She's been inside addiction. She knows what it's about.
And I know she loves me, even if she doesn't show it all the time. I know that every time she tries to push me away, she's only trying to protect me. She never wanted to break my heart.
But even if she didn't mean to, my heart's breaking anyway.
Maybe we were never right together in the first place. We come from two completely different worlds. She grew up with a single, bipolar mom who disappeared and was never on her meds. Abby never had much, but she managed to get by.
And then there's me. I grew up with everything a kid could ever want. Clothes, toys, ponies- I got anything I asked for. But money was never enough for me. I wanted something more than money could buy. I wanted to help people, make a difference in their lives.
Of course, there's the stuff we have in common. The painful pasts, the dysfunctional families, the addiction. The love for working in the ER.
The love we have for each other.
Why the hell did I walk away from her? I'm not just losing my girlfriend. I'm losing Abby- the best friend I ever had.
Think about it, John. She's quitting smoking. She's trying to stop drinking. Yeah, so maybe she's doing it for you. Maybe she wants a quick fix. But does it matter anyway? She's changing. She's trying to stop doing the things that are hurting her and people around her.
Including me.
If she's doing it for me, does that make a difference? She's doing it. And maybe, just maybe, she's doing it for herself. Maybe this time it really will last. Crazier things have happened.
So why not give her the benefit of the doubt?
All of a sudden, I know what I have to do. I love Abby, just the way she is. If she changes, that's great. But I don't need her to change. Maybe now isn't the right time to propose, but it sure as hell isn't the right time to break up.
I turn the key in the ignition, and the jeep starts. I drive the short distance to Abby. She's walking away. I get out of the car, ready to scream after her, when she turns around.
She looks at me, and I look at her. She holds up her arms in a half-shrug, but she looks just like a scared little kid, looking for someone to hug. How could I ever leave her like this? I take a step towards her and pause. She takes a step towards me. Slowly, step by step, second by agonizing second, we come closer. Now we're just a step apart.
I'm not quite sure what to do now. Do I say something? Do I hug her? Do we just stand here in silence? Abby answers the question for me when she puts her head on my shoulder. The shoulder she's cried on so many times before. I wrap my arms around her, and a second later, I feel her arms tighten around me. We stand there for what seems like forever, because it just seems right.
Finally, I break away from the hug. Abby looks up at me, asking silent questions with her eyes. I look back at her, and for a moment, I can't get over just how beautiful she is, hair whipping in the wind and everything.
"I don't ever want to lose you, Abby."
There. I said it. I don't ever want to lose her. I could never walk away from her again. Whether she changes or not, I love her. I love Abby. Not just the good parts of Abby, but all of her- smoking, drinking, and bipolar relatives included. She understands me, and she loves me. Behind that wall, I know she loves me. I know she needs me.
"Don't ever scare me like that again, Carter."
And now I know for sure that she feels the same way. I smile and wrap my arm around her waist, leading her to the Jeep. I open the passenger door for her and she hops in. As I walk around the front of the car, I am suddenly reminded of our first kiss.
She asked me if we were gonna be okay, and I told her that we would be. Of course, she was talking about the threat of smallpox, but now I realize that I told the truth about our relationship right at the beginning. It would take work, yes, but we could rebuild our relationship. We will be okay.
We are gonna be okay.
***
Thanks for reading- and please don't forget to review, even if it's just to tell me how much it sucked. I appreciate constructive criticism just as much as the good reviews :)
