This is a parody of FF7, the original script being taken from www.rpgamer.com. Yes, I know I must die painfully for this. Just make my death something creative and showy, okay? I'd like to be remembered as the first person ever purposely launched into the Sun.

Midgar

(Camera turns slowly through a beautiful star field.)

Aeris: Shit! Down here! No! The other way! No! Down! Yes! No! This way!

(Camera turns to Aeris.)

Aeris: This way! Wait! Not yet!

Aeris: Fuck! I mean um heehee.

(Aeris smiles prettily for the camera.)

(Green embers waft upwards around Aeris.)

(Aeris accidentally inhales a green ember.)

Aeris: Ack! Gack! Blech!

(Aeris has a coughing spasm.)

Aeris: Blech, ack, grrugh!

(Aeris snorts out a green ember.)

Aeris: Okay. I'm okay now

Director: Come on! Hurry it up!

Aeris: Jeez! Fine! (Bastard)

(Aeris picks up her basket of flowers and leaves the alley, standing at a street corner.)

Aeris: Hi, I'm a flower girl, I sell flowers, want to buy a flower? It's only 1 gi-

(Suddenly a giant train zooms through the middle of the street.)

Aeris: What the fu-

(Camera flies upwards to show a giant picture of Midgar.)

(The FF7 logo appears for a moment in the air before crashing down upon Sector 3 and smashing everyone living in it.)

(The camera then flies back down to a different part of the city, where a train is pulling into a station.)

Guard: I need a beer

Guard #2: Who needs beer when you've got weed?

(Jessie flips out of the train and knocks them both out.)

Jessie: Say no to drugs!!! This was a subliminal message brought to you by saynotodrugs.com, a website that you can access on your home computer and who is absolutely not paying us millions of dollars for this shameless promotion!

(Jessie runs up the stairs.)

(Barret and Cloud appear on top of the train.)

Barret: C'mon newcomer. Follow me.

(Barret jumps off of the train.)

(The earth around Midgar begins to rumble.)

(Mountains suddenly spring up around Midgar where there were only flat plains before as the teutonic plate upon which Midgar was resting suddenly becomes a bowl, centered around the Sector 8 train station, a big guy with a gun on his arm in the exact center.)

(Cloud falls off of the train, lands on his head, and crumples into a heap on the floor.)

Cloud: OW! Damn you!

Barret: Oops.

Cloud: You haven't been drinking your Slim Fast, have you?!

Barret: Um

Cloud: YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH, I'M GONNA-!

(Barret screams and runs forward up the stairs.)

Cloud: COME BACK HERE!!!

(Cloud runs forward, only to meet two guards that block his path.)

Guard: You!! Intruder!! Halt!!!

(Guards take out their machine guns.)

Cloud: FUCK YOU, I'VE GOT A BIG-ASS SWORD!

(Cloud waves his Buster Sword.)

Guards: AHHHHHHHH!!!

(Guards run away up the stairs.)

(Cloud follows after them, but not before robbing the unconscious bodies of the other guards.)

Cloud: Hee, hee, hee.

(Cloud meets up with Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie.)

Biggs: Wow! You used to be in SOLDIER all right! Not every day ya find one in a crappy, suicidal, minimum-wage group like AVALANCHE!

Jessie: SOLDIER? Aren't they the enemy? What's the hell's he doing with us in AVALANCHE?

Biggs: Hold it, Jessie. He WAS in SOLDIER. He quit them and now is one of us, for some really strange reason that I don't even want to begin to understand.

Cloud: Please, continue to speak of me as if I weren't here.

Biggs: Hey, didn't catch your name

Cloud: Bob.

Biggs: Bob, eh? I'm

Wedge: Stupid?

Jessie: Canadian?

Wedge: A worthless extra?

Jessie: All of the above?

Cloud: I don't care what your names are. Once this job's over I'm outta here. See, my uncle's got this chocobo farm, and I want to grow cabbages there

(Barret comes running up to the group.)

Barret: The hell you all doin'?! I thought I told you never to move in a group!

Wedge: Well we'd already be split up if Jessie wasn't taking so long with the frikkin' door!

Jessie: Shut up! I'm TRYING here! You wouldn't be moving fast anyway, dumbass fat boy!

Wedge: Hey! That's not fair! Barret stole all my Slim Fast-

Barret: AHEM! May I have your attention please!! All Shin-Ra personnel!!! Our target's the North Mako Reactor! We'll meet on the bridge in front of it!

Cloud: Then why the hell are we here?!

Biggs: Barret often gets confused when he looks at maps.

Wedge: Yeah, the little symbols printed on them confuse me sometimes too.

Jessie: They're called words, you know. Those little symbols.

(Jessie opens the door and Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge go running out into the street.)

(Barret stops in front of the door and turns around to face Cloud.)

Barret: EX-SOLDIER, huh? Don't trust ya! That's why I'm going to tell you right now that my name is Barret and I'm 35 years old!

Cloud: What?

Barret: If you push the Directional button while pushing the CANCEL button, you can run. (earlier marked X)

Cloud: What?
Barret: And now, if you the back of your instruction booklet, there will be a walkthrough of the first mako reactor-

Cloud: Have you been mixing vodka with your Slim Fast again?

Barret: Um that is damnit!

(Barret runs down the street.)

(Cloud looks up at the reactor.)

Cloud: Oh, man I'm gonna die.

(Cloud follows after Barret.)

Outside Reactor #1

(Cloud, Jessie, Barret, Wedge, and Biggs run onto the bridge in front of the reactor.)

Wedge: I'll secure the escape passage!

Cloud: Yeah, I doubt that anyone could fit through there past you.

Wedge: Shut up! Just concentrate on the mission!

Cloud: I would if you'd stop frikkin' talking to me, dumbass whiny fat boy-

(Wedge purposely ignores Cloud.)

Wedge: Geez, we're really gonna blow this huge furnace up?

Cloud: No, we're just here to pick flowers.

(Wedge ignores Cloud again.)

Wedge: This'll be somethin' to see!

Cloud: You like making chains out of flowers and stuff like that, don't you?

Wedge: My, the weather's nice-

Cloud: We're gonna need a LOT of flowers to circle around you

Wedge:

(Wedge sniffles.)

Wedge: Oh, fuck it! You're a heartless bastard!

(Wedge sobs.)

Wedge: Stop making fun of me! I'm the cute, weird guy that all the girls are supposed to go "Awwwwwww" in pity for because I will probably never get a girlfriend! Plus I'm SENSITIVE!!!!

Wedge: WAHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Wedge cries brokenheartedly.)

Cloud: Psht, fine.

(Cloud and the others go into the Reactor.)

Inside Reactor #1

Barret: Yo! This your first time in a reactor?

Cloud: No. After all, I did work for Shin-Ra, y'know.

Barret: You bastard!!! When?!

Cloud: Uh, like, when I was in SOLDIER?

Barret: Oh yeah.

Barret: Um (Okay, now I gotta think of something really deep sounding to say to make myself look good after that)

Barret: The planet's full of Mako energy. People here use it every day.

Jessie: They charge like bastards for it too Bomb them all! Bomb them ALL! MWAHAHAHAHA! AOL IS GOING DOWN!

Jessie: Um, oops, I mean-

Barret: It's the life blood of the planet. But Shin-Ra keeps suckin' the blood out with these machines!

Cloud: You're trying to be deep, aren't you?

Barret: No! Of course not! Why would I-

Cloud: Whatever. I'm not here for a lecture. You sound like my frikkin' history teacher. Let's just hurry and get to the part where I get to use my cool sword again!

Barret: That's it! You're comin' with me from now on.

(Barret disappears into Cloud.)

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): What the hell is in here?! What the Tifa por-

Cloud: Shut up!

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): Hee hee hee! Ooo

(Everyone heads deeper into the reactor.)

Jessie: Biggs and I got the code for this door.

Barret(from somewhere inside Cloud's chest): Hurry up an' put it in then, bitch!

Jessie: Biggs!

Biggs: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They head through the door.)

Biggs: Think how many of our people risked their lives, just for this code

Cloud: It can't be hard, you've only got like five.

Jessie: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door and work deeper into the reactor. Biggs stays at the door. They enter an elevator.)

Jessie: Go push that button over there!

Cloud: Which button?

(Cloud goes over to the side.)

Jessie: THE button!

Cloud: This button?

Jessie: Well, what other buttons are there?

Cloud: Why the hell does this elevator only have one button?!

Jessie: So it can go down with us in it and we can never come back up and we'll be trapped in the reactor for the rest of our lives?

Cloud: Oh, okay.

(Cloud pushes the button. The elevator starts to descend.)

Barret: Little by little, the reactors'll drain out the life, and that'll be that.

(Everyone jumps.)

Cloud: Where the hell did you suddenly come from?!

Barret: Well-

Cloud: Actually, whatever, it's not my problem.

Barret: But the planet's dyin', Cloud!

Cloud: What does that have to do with anything?

Barret: Yo' not s'posed to be one o'those damn angsty, stoic, silent heroes wit' no heart or anythin', are you?

Cloud: The only thing I care about is finishin' this job before security and the Roboguards come.

(Barret groans.)

Barret: Why do I always hafta work wit' them?! Why me?! WHY ME?!

(Barret shakes with anger, then walks back into Cloud.)

(The elevator stops and Jessie gets off. They continue into the reactor.)

Jessie: Push the [OK] button in front of a ladder to grab on to it. After that, use the [Directional button] to move up and down.

Cloud: Oh my god, not you too.

Jessie: Huh?

(Cloud groans.)

Cloud: Damned potheads

Jessie: WHAT?!

Cloud: Um nothing!

(Cloud runs down the ladder and to the reactor core.)

Barret: When we blow this place, this ain't gonna be nothin' more than a hunka junk.

(Cloud shrieks.)

Cloud: God dammit! Stop popping out like that!

Barret: Whatever. Cloud, you set the bomb.

Cloud: Shouldn't you do it?

Barret: There's only one freakin' switch on it!

Cloud: But but but

Barret: Jus' do it! I gotta watch to make sure you don't pull nothin'!

Cloud: Oh fine be my frikkin' guest.

(Cloud moves to set the bomb. The screen dims and something speaks into Cloud's mind.)

Watch out!

This isn't just a reactor!

I see dead people

I am your father

Yes, they ARE all out to get you

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Barret: ?

Cloud: Nooooooooooo!!!

Barret: What's wrong?

Cloud: Huh?

Barret: What's wrong, dumbass? Hurry it up!

Cloud: Uh, yeah, sorry.

(Cloud sets the bomb. An alarm begins to sound and red lights flash.)

Cloud: Hey do you think we set the alarms off yet?

Barret: Heads up, here they come!

(Guard Scorpion comes trudging in.)

Barret: Heads up, here THEY come!

(Guard Scorpion sits there and cleans its antennae.)

Barret:

Cloud:

(Guard Scorpion chitters in a friendly manner.)

Cloud: Guess they only got one working, huh?

Barret: Whatever. Kill it.

(Guard Scorpion's tail goes up.)

Cloud: Barret! Don't attack when it's tail goes up! Or else-

(Barret shoots at Guard Scorpion.)

Cloud: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

(Guard Scorpion begins to recite the entire script of FF9!!!)

Barret: O.o

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Guard Scorpion: Princess! I think I'm falling for you!

Cloud & Barret: DIEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

(Cloud and Barret hit Guard Scorpion with their Limit Breaks.)

Guard Scorpion: We must find her! Find her we must-

(Guard Scorpion explodes, showering Cloud and Barret with gasoline.)

Cloud: ARRRRGHHH!!! SPIDER GUTS!!! GETTEM OFF ME!!
(Cloud runs around screaming.)

Barret: That wasn't a real spider, foo'!

Cloud: What?

Barret: That was a machine!!!

Cloud: Oh. How was I supposed to tell?!

Barret: It looked like one?

Cloud: The hell!!! These graphics suck! I mean come on, do WE look like actual people?

Barret: Um not really

Cloud: Whatever. Come on, let's get outta here!

Ten minutes to getting your ass fried in this huge-ass explosion that will destroy this reactor! Or, in other words, get the hell outta here, now, or else you're gonna die! And I bet you didn't save, either!

RUN, YOU IDIOT!

Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(They rush back out through the reactor until they meet up with Jessie where she had stayed behind. She has one leg caught in the grate she's standing on.)

Jessie: Damn too fat argh! Cloud! Help!

Barret: Jessie-

Cloud: Forget her! Let's get outta here!

Jessie: YOU BASTARD!!!

(Cloud begins to climb the ladder.)

Jessie: YOU CAN'T GET OUTTA HERE WITHOUT MY CODES!!!

Cloud: Why didn't you SAY so then?!

(Cloud runs back to Jessie.)

Cloud: The hell is wrong with you now?

Jessie: My leg got stuck.

(Cloud pulls her out.)

Jessie: Thanks!

Cloud: Fat bitch.

(They continue out of the reactor, where they meet Biggs.)

Biggs: Let's go!

Jessie: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door.)

Jessie: Alright, be careful.

Biggs: C0d3 d3c1ph3r3d

(They go through the door and exit the reactor. On the way out, Cloud trips Jessie and she falls on her face.)

Jessie: OW! DAMN YOU! I SWEAR I'LL HAUNT YOU FOR THIS AFTER I DIE!

(Cloud shrieks.)

Cloud: NO! I'm sorry! I'm sorry!!!

(Cloud helps her up and they sprint away.)

(Camera cuts to Aeris.)

Aeris: Huh?

(Aeris looks up.)

Aeris: You again?! What the fu-

*BOOM!*

Aeris: I'm I'm okay

Everyone: Dammit!

-end Scene One-

A/N: Flame me! Flame me! Or at least leave a review? : )