Scene 4
-The Long Ride Home-
Inside the Train
(Barret, Wedge, Biggs, and Jessie are riding in a train car littered with crates and junk.)
Biggs: Why do we always have to ride in this crappy car?
Jessie: 'Cause we can't afford anything else?
Biggs: Heh, yeah, you're right.
Wedge: Cloud never came.
Biggs: Cloud? Wonder if he was killed?
Wedge: I think he'd be tough enough to get away from them
Barret: No way!
Jessie: Cloud you stupid bastard.
(There is thumping on the roof of the car. Barret glances up.)
Barret: DAMMIT! THIS STUPID CHEAP CAR HAS RATS IN IT TOO!!
Biggs: Say, do you think Cloud's Going to fight to the end for AVALANCHE?
Barret: The hell would I know? Do I look like a mindreader?!
Jessie: Well, if you bought a turban and a pet snake-
(Barret hits a crate with his fist.)
Barret: Hmph!! If y'all weren't such screw-ups
Biggs: You'd pay us more?
Jessie: We'd have destroyed Shinra already?
Biggs: We wouldn't be eating Burger King every day?
Jessie: We'd be able to afford homes???
Barret: Why did I ever even ask
Wedge: Hey Barret! What about our money?
Barret: SHUT UP 'BOUT THE GODDAM MONEY!!! ARRRRRRGHH!!!!!
(Barret shrieks!)
(Everyone glances at Barret nervously.)
Wedge: Uhhhh nothin' sorry. Ahhh
(There is another thumping on the roof of the car.)
Jessie: Damned rats
(The train door opens and Cloud flips into the car from above.)
Everyone: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhhhhhhh oh, shit. It's just him.
(Cloud suddenly blinks and straightens up, accompanied by a strange noise.)
Cloud: Oops.
Biggs: Cloud!!
Wedge: Cloud!!!
Jessie: Cloud
(Everyone turns blue and begins to gasp for air.)
(Jessie claws at the window.)
Barret: YOU BASTARD! WARN US BEFORE YOU FREAKIN' LAY ONE!
(Jessie pulls the window open. Fresh air begins to pour into the room. Everyone breathes a sigh of relief.)
Cloud: Heh looks like I'm a little late.
Barret: You damn right, you're late!! Come waltzin' in here makin' a big scene!
Cloud: It's no big deal. Just what I always do.
Biggs: WHAT YOU ALWAYS DO?!
Barret: Shi't! Havin' everyone worried like that you don't give a damn 'bout no one but yourself!
Cloud: Hmm you were worried about me!
Barret: Wha?!
Jessie: HELL NO!
Wedge: We nearly DIED!
Barret: I'm takin' it outta your money, hot stuff!
Cloud: About that MONEY-
Barret: We're movin' out! Follow me!
(Barret exits the front of the car.)
(Everyone crowds around Cloud and hands him a couple of gil.)
Wedge: Hey, Cloud! You were great back there!
(Wedge exits.)
Biggs: Heh heh Cloud! We'll do even better next time!
(Biggs exits.)
Jessie: Be careful, I'll shut this.
(Jessie closes the door and the window.)
Jessie: Oh, Cloud! Your face is pitch-black here, let me help you!
(Jessie spits in Cloud's face.)
Jessie: There you go! Say, thanks for helping me TRIP back there at the Reactor!
Jessie: STUPID ASSHOLE!
(Jessie exits.)
Cloud: HEY!!!
(Cloud follows.)
2nd Car
(The train intercom comes on.)
Last train out of Sector 8 Station. Last stop is Sector 7, Train Graveyard NO! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FIRE EXTINGUISHER?! THAT'S DISGUSTING! STOP THAT! STOP THAT!!! Ahem. Expected time of arrival is 12:23 AM, Midgar standard time...
(Barret and the others come into the next car and sit down. They disturb a well-dressed, official looking man.)
Man: This is why I hate the last train. Hoo-boy...
(He leaves.)
Random person on the train #1: Huh? This is my house, so make yourselves at home.
Cloud: Who asked you?
Random person on the train #2: You see the headlines in the Shinra Times?
Cloud: Don't talk to me!
Random person on the train #3: The terrorists that bombed the No. 1 Reactor are based somewhere in the slums.
Cloud: I said, don't talk to me!!!
Random person on the train #2: ...blowing up a Reactor... they sure put some thought into this one.
Cloud: LEAVE ME ALONE!!!
Random person on the train #3: They must have a real calculating leader. I wonder what they'll do next?
Cloud: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Barret: Stop actin' like a damn kid. Si'down an' sh'up!
Cloud: I don't have to!! SO NEENER!
(Cloud skips to the front of the car towards Jessie, Wedge, and Biggs.)
Wedge: Someday AVALANCHE'S gonna be famous and me, too!
Biggs: In your dreams, fat boy!
Wedge: SHUT UP ABOUT THE FAT!!
Biggs: Okay, okay, don't get your fat rolls in a knot.
Wedge: Okay
Wedge: HEY!
(Jessie snickers.)
Biggs: It seems this train hasn't switched to security mode yet, considering they haven't picked up your puny, whiny cries for attention. I'm sure that will change by tomorrow.
Jessie: Hey, Cloud. You want to look at this with me? I feel like making myself seem smart by talking about random technology with a person who has no idea how to turn on a microwave.
Cloud: Sure!
(They look at the map.)
Jessie: Okay, it's about to start
Jessie: Blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
(Cloud falls asleep.)
Jessie: Blah blah blah blah blah, blah blah blah. Blah blah blah blah. Blah blah
(Cloud snores slightly.)
Jessie: Blah blah blah- YOU BASTARD!
(Jessie kicks Cloud in the shin.)
Jessie: LISTEN TO ME!
Cloud: OW!!! DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?!
(Red lights begin to flash.)
(Cloud screams in terror.)
Cloud: AHHHHHHH!!! IT'S THE VOICES IN MY HEAD AGAIN!!!
Jessie: No, that's the ID scan checkpoint, you idiot.
Cloud: Oh.
Barret: Look... you can see the surface now. This city don't have no day or night. If that plate weren't there... we could see the sky.
Cloud: How? The announcer guy just said it's like 12 midnight.
Barret: SHUT UP! JES' FREAKIN' LOOK!
(Cloud looks out the window.)
Cloud: A floating city... Pretty unsettling scenery.
Barret: Huh? Never expect to hear that outta someone like you. You jes' full of surprises. Thought you'd be screamin' yer ass off and runnin' around like a chocobo with it's ass-feathers on fire. Uh, anyway
Barret: The upper world... a city on a plate... It's 'cuz of that &^#$# 'pizza', that people underneath are sufferin'! And the city below is full of polluted air. On topa that, the Reactor keeps drainin' up all the energy.
Cloud: Then why doesn't everyone move up onto the Plate?
Barret: Derf!!! Probably cuz they don't got no MONEY, IDIOT! Or maybe 'Cuz they love their land, no matter how polluted it gets
Cloud: That's stupid. What a bunch of bullshit.
Barret: YOU'RE STUPID, YOU @#@%@ $@% @^ @ ^@%! I OUGHTTA KILL YOU!!!
(Barret attempts to attack Cloud, but for some reason his gun malfunctions.)
Barret: DAMN IT!!! GODDAM FREAKIN' RUSTED PIECE OF SHIT-
(Cloud ignores Barret.)
Cloud: Ooo, we're turning Wheeeeeeeeeeeee!
(The train circles the support structure on its way to Sector 7. The train arrives at the station and everyone gets off.)
(A skinny girl jumps out into her boyfriend's arms.)
(A fat man jumps out into his wife's arms.)
(Barret jumps out on all four of them and squashes them flat.)
Barret: Yo!! Get over here now, all' ya!
(Everyone else jumps out of the train and gathers around Barret.)
Cloud: Ooo, is it time for the secret meeting out here in the middle of the crowded station?
Jessie: Ssh!
Barret: Okay, this mission was a success. But don't get lazy now. The hard part's still to come!
Cloud: How come you only speak in simple sentences?
Barret: Don't y'all be scared of that explosion! Cause the next one's gonna be bigger than that!
Jessie: Because we're now using explosives from www.explosivesrus.com, the biggest name in blowing things up since 1992! Bigger, better, more destructive booms! All for only $19.99!
Wedge: This was also not a shameless sponsored promotion.
Biggs: Now that that's over with
Barret: Meet back at the hideout!! Move out!
(All exit.)
Scene Five
-The Reactor Tower-
This scene has been cut from this parody because it contains nothing useful or interesting, consisting of a bunch of talks with soldiers and some idiot guy that keeps babbling on and on about random stuff. Plus, it's BORING and SHORT as hell, and reading this summary of it has probably already taken you longer than the scene would have, since most of you have just run through this scene without bothering to talk to the random people that serve no purpose.
In short: THIS SCENE SUCKS AND IS NOT WORTHY OF BEING IN THIS PARODY.
Have a nice day.
A/N: Keep R&R'ing, please! : )
