A/N: Remember, what characters say in this fic does NOT represent the author's opinions. And, to answer the question that I think Tori asked, I -am- an FF7 fan. Who else would take the time to do something like this? ;)

Scene 6

-Welcome Home, Cloud! - A Childhood Promise -

(Barret runs into Tifa's bar, the Seventh Heaven, and chases all the patrons out.)

Patron #1: You bastard!!! Why the hell do you keep chasing all of us outta here?!

(All the patrons stare up into the sky.)

Patron #2: He's an ass!

Patron #3: He's a dickhead!

Patron #4: No, he's a terrorist leader!

Patron #1:

Patron #2:

Patron #3:

Patron #4: Nah, that can't be it.

(The customers wander off.)

(Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie go inside.)

Barret: Ok. Yo! Cloud! Get the hell inside!

(Cloud wanders around for no particular reason except to hear Barret yell at him again.)

Barret: Yo! Cloud!! Get off your slow-movin' ass!

(Cloud enters the Seventh Heaven.)


Seventh Heaven. No, not the TV show. That would just be scary.

(Marlene jumps up and runs to Cloud.)

Marlene: Papa! Papa!

(Marlene freezes and stares at Cloud.)

Marlene: AHHHH!! WHITE DEVIL!!! WHITE DEVIL!!!
(Marlene runs behind the bar, trembling.)

Tifa: Marlene! Aren't you going to say anything to Cloud?

Marlene: WHITE DEVIL!!! KILL WHITEY!!!

(Marlene begins to spasm uncontrollably.)

Tifa: Besides that?

Marlene: Um No.

Tifa: Oh, fine Damn Barret and his goddam bedtime stories

(Tifa walks over to Cloud.)

Tifa: Welcome home, Cloud. Looks like everything went well. That's good, cause if ANYTHING happened to you, I'd like go off and dissolve into tears and become all depressed and angsty and thoroughly dislikable and end up killing myself cause I can't live without you or something, and that'd like be bad for my "tough girl" image, you know what I mean?

Cloud: Um No.

Tifa: Whatever. Did you fight with Barret?

Cloud: Sorta.

Tifa: What does that mean?! Did you or didn't you? Make up your mind!

Cloud: Sorta

Tifa: Just say YES or NO!

Cloud: But we only sorta-

Tifa: JUST DO IT!!!

(Tifa glares at Cloud.)

Cloud: Okay! Okay! We did! Yeah!

(Tifa immediately looks tired.)

Tifa: I should have known. He's always pushing people around, and you've always been in fights ever since you were little. I was worried, so I went to my Cloud Strife shrine and burned some incense and recited one of those prayers I wrote for you.

Cloud: Er

(Tifa stares at the flowers in Cloud's hand.)

Tifa: Flowers? How nice! You almost never see them here in the slums. But a flower for me? Cloud, you shouldn't have

Tifa: (HINT, HINT!!!)

Cloud: No big.

(Cloud goes over and offers the flower to Marlene.)

(Tifa smacks herself in the forehead.)

Cloud: Here, little girl-

Marlene: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!! HE'S GOING TO TAKE ME AWAY AND MAKE ME PICK COTTON AND STUFF!!!

(Marlene screams and runs behind Tifa.)

Cloud: Ummmmmm okay, I guess you can have this then.

(Cloud gives the flower to Tifa.)

(Tifa beams.)

Tifa: Thank you, Cloud. It smells wonderful. Maybe I should fill the store with flowers.

Cloud: A bar full of flowers? Um

Tifa: Hey! Shut up about my perverse fantas- um, innocent daydreams!

(Cloud walks over to chat with the rest of the Avalanche members for no particular reason.)

Wedge: Oh, Cloud! Tifa realls knows how to cook. Mmm, mmm Anyway, let me tell you somethin'.

Cloud: You're gonna start talking anyway even if I say no, right-

Wedge: Tifa always lets me taste her cooking. And look at me now, I'm rolly-polly.

Biggs: "Rolly-polly"?

(Wedge ignores Biggs.)

Wedge: Don't know whether I should be happy or sad. But it's the good food and drinks that make this shop famous.

Biggs: The food and drinks?! Do the words big, boobs, short, and skirt mean anything to you?

Wedge: Huh?

Cloud: What the hell are you talking about?

Jessie: Careless

Jessie: You're getting all excited. Wonder what for.....?

(Everyone glances at Tifa's chest.)

Cloud:

Wedge:

Biggs:

Tifa: What???

(Jessie rolls her eyes.)

Jessie: Forget it.

Biggs: Aah!! Nothin' like that first drink after a job. Hic!! Why don't you have one too?

Cloud: Yeah, why not I might not feel so bad about hanging out with losers like you after I'm drunk.

Biggs: Oh!! That's more like it! Even if you were with SOLDIER, you're still a rookie here. So you'd better listen to whatever I tell ya!

Jessie: God, Biggs, don't start with those pornographic videos again
Biggs: Hic...!! Why not?! They make a fortune!!!

Biggs: Oh..... Don't tell Barret what I jus said. He'll kick my ass.

Wedge: Really?! Go tell! GO TELL!!!

Biggs: YOU SHUT UP!!!

Wedge: TELL HIM! TELL HIM!!! I'LL PAY YOU!

Cloud: Hee hee. Okay!

(Cloud attempts to leave.)

(Barret crashes into the bar.)

(Cloud jumps back quickly, impaling himself in the ass with a corner of the table.)

Cloud: @#@%@#$%@$%@!!!

(Marlene comes running to Barret.)

Marlene: Papa! You're home!

(Barret lifts her up on his shoulder.)

Barret: So what's my Marlene been doin' the whole day?

Marlene: Look, papa! White devil!

(Marlene points to Cloud.)

Barret: My little girl remembered her story!

(Barret beams at Marlene.)

(Marlene beams at Barret.)

Marlene: White trash! White trash!

Barret: That's my girl!!!

(Barret pats Marlene on the head gently.)

(Marlene beams.)

Tifa: You all right, Barret?

Barret: Great!! Get in here, fools!! We're startin' the meetin'!!

(He descends a hidden elevator in a pinball machine. Everyone follows but Cloud and Tifa.)

(Strange, romantic music begins to play in the background.)

(Cloud clutches his head and begins to scream.)

Cloud: AHHHHHH!! TURN IT OFF!! TURN IT OFFFF!

(Tifa kicks something behind the bar. Romantic music abruptly cuts off.)

Tifa: Um Sorry. Hey, sit down.

Cloud: Okay.

(Cloud sits on the floor.)

Tifa: I meant oh, whatever, nevermind.

Cloud: Okay!

(Cloud gets up and heads towards the pinball machine.)

Tifa: Wait! I didn't mean leave! I don't feel good about myself unless you're in the room with me! Except when you're here I start getting all depressed again, but it's better than you not being here because then I worry-

(Cloud begins to inch towards the pinball machine.)

Tifa: And- No! Don't leave me!!! How about um, um, um something to drink?

Cloud: Well um, sounds good, I guess. Give me something har-

(Tifa stares at Cloud with wide, obsessive eyes and leans forward over the bar, looking up at him seductively.)

Cloud: Uhhhh that is, something with lots of alcohol.

Tifa: Damnit! I mean, just a minute. I'll make one for you.

(She mixes Cloud a drink, adding some strange herbs and other sorts of plantlife to it before sliding it down the bar to him.)

Cloud: Is this safe?

Tifa: Do you really think that I would drug you and drag you off to some desert island somewhere to be alone with you forever?

Cloud: Er

Tifa: Anyway, you know, I'm really glad you made it back safely.

Cloud: I think you said that already

Cloud: What's with you all of a sudden? It wasn't even a tough job.

Tifa: I guess not you were in SOLDIER.

Cloud: Yeah.

Tifa: And you've got a big sword

Cloud: I know.

Tifa: And a perfect body

Cloud Okay, okay-

Tifa: And the inhuman ability to get shot multiple times in the head with a machine gun and not be killed

Cloud: Okay, we get the point!!!
Tifa: Er, sorry. Make sure you get your pay from Barret.

Cloud: Don't worry, once I get that money, I'm outta here with a pack of cabbages.

Tifa: Cabbages? What the hell?
Cloud: Yeah, for the farm I'm gonna get from my uncle.

Tifa: Ummm Cloud, are you feeling alright?
Cloud: Yeah why?

(Tifa glances.)

Tifa: Er no reason You just look tired, I guess You better get down below. (Before you start scaring me further)

(Cloud walks to the pinball machine. Nothing happens.)

Cloud:

Pinball machine:

Cloud: Go!!!

Pinball machine:

Cloud: What's wrong with this thing?

(Words flash across the pinball machine's screen.)

Pinball machine: I LIKE ROMANCE.

Cloud: What the hell?!

Pinball machine: YOU LOOK CUTE WITH TIFA.

(Cloud stares at the pinball machine.)

Pinball machine: YOU SHOULD GO BACK THERE AND TALK TO HER MORE.

Cloud: Let me down!

Pinball machine: I REFUSE.

Cloud: Let me down!

Pinball machine: I LOVE SAPPY LOVE SCENES. GO TALK TO TIFA.

Cloud: Let me down before I hack you to pieces and make Tifa eat them!!!

(Tifa suddenly stops typing into her laptop and hurriedly presses a button on a small remote control. The pinball machine begins to move down to the basement.)

Cloud: Hee hee.

Tifa: Dammit.

Basement of the Seventh Heaven

(Everyone is busy downstairs. Barret is punching a bag.)

Wedge: Hey Cloud. You think I'm a little too uptight?

Cloud: Noooooooo.

Wedge: The next mission will be to blow up the Sector 5 Reactor. Cloud, you're great! Don't you ever get nervous? Or are you like, impervious to feelings?

(On the TV screen, an old blind lady trying to cross a street gets run over by an 18 ton truck.)

Cloud: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Wedge: Naw, that can't be it.

(A small toaster next to Wedge suddenly explodes.)

Wedge: @#$%!!!

Jessie: Oops...

Jessie: Um Hey, look at the news... What a blast. Think it was all because of my bomb? But all I really did was just make it like the computer told me

(Jessie checks her computer.)

Jessie: Oh no! I must've made a miscalculation somewhere

*BOOM!*

Faint voice: OH MY GOD!!! THE MATERIA STORE JUST-

Jessie: Oops hee, hee, hee.

Barret: Yo. Cloud! There's somethin' I wanna ask ya. Was there anyone from SOLDIER fighting us today?

Cloud: None. I'm positive.

Barret: You sound pretty sure.

Cloud: Well, are you toasted, sliced, frozen, electrified, beaten, or otherwise mangled beyond recognition?

Barret: Don't go thinkin' you so bad jes cuz you was in SOLDIER!

Cloud:

(On the TV screen, another old blind lady falls off a cliff.)

Cloud: Hehehehe!

Barret: Yeah, you're strong. Probably all them guys in SOLDIER are. You still giggle like a girl, though.

Cloud: WHAT?!

Barret: Don't forget your skinny ass's working for AVALANCHE now! Don't get no ideas 'bout hangin' on to Shinra!

Cloud: Stayin' with Shinra? You asked me a question and I answered it... that's all. I'm going upstairs. I want to talk about my money.

Barret: Shucks money damn white boys

Marlene: Papa, you're so great!

(Cloud moves to leave. Tifa runs in.)

Tifa: Wait, Cloud!

Cloud: Oh my god, how did you know I was going to leave at this precise moment?

Tifa: Um I'm psychic?

Barret: Tifa, let him go! It seems like he still misses the Shin-Ra!

Tifa: No! I'll never let go!! Promise me you'll survive!
(Tifa sobs hysterically.)

Cloud: Shut up! I don't care about either Shinra or SOLDIER! But don't get me wrong! I don't care about AVALANCHE or the Planet or Macintosh or Bill Gates or cute puppies or Leonardo DiCaprio for that matter!

Barret: Huh?

Tifa: I don't get it.

Cloud: Whatever!

(Cloud goes back up the elevator and goes to leave.)

Seventh Heaven

(Cloud walks towards the door and suddenly freezes.)

(Tifa enters the room from below.)

Tifa: Listen, Cloud. I'm asking you. Please join us.

Cloud: Sorry, Tifa

Tifa: Huh? For what?

Cloud: I don't know, why the hell are you bitching at me?

Tifa: The Planet is dying. Slowly but surely it's dying. Someone has to do something!

Cloud: Let Barret and his butt-buddies do something about it. It's got nothin' to do with me.

(He moves to leave.)

Tifa: So! You're really leaving?! You're just going to walk right out ignoring your childhood friend?!

Cloud: What?

Tifa: ME, YOU IDIOT!

Cloud: Oh. Sorry.

Tifa: You forgot the promise, too!

Cloud: Promise? Huh? What the hell?

(Tifa looks down.)

Cloud: Can you really like see the floor past those-

Tifa: So you DID forget Remember Cloud. It was seven years ago

(Cloud looks up. The scene fades to black. It fades in again; Cloud and Tifa are standing by a well. The sky is full of stars.)

Cloud: WHAT THE HELL?!

Tifa: (This is a flashback moment!)

Cloud: Oh.

Tifa: Look, the well. Do you remember?

Cloud: Remember what?

(Tifa smacks Cloud upside the head.)

Cloud: Um uh yeah, right, back then. Yeah. Uh it was cold?

(The scene changes. Cloud and Tifa, as children, appear.)

(Cloud bursts out laughing.)

Cloud: Hehehe! I remember that ugly dress-

(Tifa glares at Cloud.)

(Kiddie Cloud is sitting swinging his legs on the well cover. Kiddie Tifa enters from offscreen.)

Kiddie Tifa: Sorry I'm late.

(She sits down.)

Kiddie Tifa: You said you wanted to talk to me about something?

Kiddie Cloud: Come this spring.... I'm leaving this dumb hick town for Midgar.

Kiddie Tifa: No! All the boys are leaving our town!

(Kiddie Tifa wails.)

Kiddie Tifa: Who am I gonna squish frogs with now at the stream?!

Kiddie Cloud: But I'm different from all of them. I've mysteriously known that somehow from the moment I was born because I'm special and they're not! I'm not just going to find a job.

(He stands.)

Kiddie Cloud: I want to join SOLDIER! I'm going to be the best there is, just like Sephiroth.

Kiddie Tifa: Sephiroth.... The Great Sephiroth! He's so hot!!!

(Kiddie Tifa squeals.)

(Cloud climbs to the top of the well and looks at the stars.)

Kiddie Tifa: Er Isn't it hard to join SOLDIER?

Kiddie Cloud: ...I probably won't be able to come back to this town for a while.

(Kiddie Tifa makes a motion.)

Cloud: O.o

(Cloud gags.)

Tifa: Hey, I was a little kid! I didn't know what that meant!

Cloud: Sure you didn't

Kiddie Cloud: huh?

Kiddie Tifa: Will you be in the newspapers if you do well?

Kiddie Cloud: I'll try.

Kiddie Tifa: Hey, why don't we make a promise? Umm, if you get really famous and I'm ever in a bind... You come save me, and then we'll go out to a bar, get completely drunk, then have insane perverse sex for a couple of hours, all right?

Kiddie Cloud: What?
Kiddie Tifa: Whenever I'm in trouble, my hero will come and rescue me. I want to at least experience that once.

Kiddie Cloud: What?!

Kiddie Tifa: Come on--! Promise me----!

Kiddie Cloud: Um all right. I promise.

(The camera pans up to show the starry night sky. A falling star streaks its white trail across the dark blue, heading towards Cosmo Canyon.)

Somewhere in Cosmo Canyon

Bugenhagen: What the OH MY GOD-

*BOOM!!*

Seventh Heaven

(The scene fades black and the bar appears again.)

Tifa: You remember now? ...Our promise?

Cloud: I can't keep the promise.

Tifa: Why not? There's a bar right here and-

Cloud: Um No! I'm not a hero and I'm not famous! So there!
Tifa: But you got your childhood dream, didn't you? You joined SOLDIER. So come on! You've got to keep your promise

(Tifa edges towards Cloud.)

Cloud: Ahhhhhhh!!!

(Barret climbs up the elevator.)

Tifa: Ack!

(Tifa takes a few steps back.)

Cloud: Barret! THANK GOD!

Barret: Wait a sec big-time SOLDIER! A promise is a promise!

Cloud: WHAT?!

(Barret looks at Cloud weird.)

Barret: I was talking about the money.

Cloud: Oh.

Barret: Here!

(He tosses Cloud 1500 Gil.)

Cloud: This is my pay? Don't make me laugh.

Tifa: What? Then you'll...!

Cloud: You got the next mission lined up? I'll do it for 3000.

Barret: What....!

(Tifa whispers to him.)

Tifa: It's ok, it's ok. Psst, psst..... (We're really weak, pathetic, useless, and hurting for help, right?)

Barret: Not really-

Tifa: (But we do need help, right?)

Barret: Uh..... ugh.....

Tifa: (Come on! I mean, look how easy that mission was with him there with you!)

Barret: (But that money's for Marlene's schoolin'!)

Tifa: (But but)

Barret: (Forget it!)

(Tifa stomps.)

Tifa: (YOU MAKE HIM FUCKING STAY OR I'LL FREAKING KICK YOUR ASS!!!)

(Barret screams like a little girl.)

Barret: 2000! 2000!

Cloud: Oh, fine. Cheap bastard.

Tifa: Hee hee um, I mean, thanks, Cloud.

-end Scene 6-

A/N #2: That scene was way too long