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Scene 7

-The Morning After - Sector 7 -

Seventh Heaven

(The scene changes to Tifa's bar, the next morning. Cloud goes up the elevator. Tifa and Barret are standing, Marlene is mixing drinks.)

Tifa: Now you try it.

Marlene: Okay! You take a little of this stuff with a cup of that

(Marlene pours a bunch of different drinks together.)

Marlene: Like this! Sex on the beach!

Tifa: Hmm that should be right.

(Marlene pours the drink down her throat.)

Marlene: Hehe! *Hic!*

Tifa: Now remember, if any pedophiles-

Marlene: Kick 'em in the balls!

Tifa: Right!

(Tifa pats Marlene on the head.)

Barret (with tears in his eyes): My little girl is so smart

(Cloud enters from below.)

Cloud: I need coffee

Tifa: Cloud! Good morning, Cloud! Did you sleep well?

Cloud: Next to you, who wouldn't?

Tifa: I I don't know what you mean!

(Tifa turns around, pulls a small notepad out of her shirt and scribbles on it.)

Marlene: What's that?

Tifa: Hee hee Um nothing! It's nothing!

(Tifa hides the notepad.)

Marlene: LEMME SEE!!

(Marlene grabs the notepad.)

(Marlene stares.)

Marlene: Ewwwww, "things that Cloud says that suggest that he wants to have sex with me"??? What is this?!

Tifa: SHUT UP!

(Tifa grabs the notepad and stuffs it down her shirt.)

Barret: So THAT's wut she keeps in there

(Tifa turns around.)

Tifa: Um, um, so you did sleep well, Cloud?

Cloud: Actually, no, that fat pig that's in dire need of Slim Fast's insanely loud snoring kept me up all night

Barret: WUT?! I don't snore!!!

Cloud: Of course you do! I heard it!

Marlene: But daddy never snores!

Cloud: Huh? Then who-

Tifa: Um ANYWAY!

Tifa: I'm going this time

Cloud: To what?

Tifa: With you!

(Cloud stares at Tifa in shock.)

Cloud: W-w-w-WHAT?!

Tifa: What do you mean, what??

Cloud: But like what are you going to do, hit monsters with a frying pan?

(Everyone glances at Cloud.)
Barret:

Tifa:

Barret: Uhhhhh Let's just ignore that remark for now.

Tifa: Okay.

Marlene: You evil WHITE SEXIST PIG!

Barret:

Tifa:

Barret: Let's ignore that too.

Tifa: Okay.

Barret: Our target's the Sector 5 Reactor. Head for the station first. I'll fill you in on the train.

(Cloud starts to head out. Barret stands in the doorway.)

Cloud:

Barret:

Cloud: .MOVE!

Barret: Yo! Cloud! Before the next mission, I got somethin' I wanna ask you! I, uh,..... I don't really know how to use Materia!

Cloud: And you call yourself a terrorist leader?!

Barret: Whatever! I'll give you that Materia you found. Just teach me how to use it!

(Cloud sighs.)

(Cloud inhales deeply.)

Cloud: SureI'llexplainhowMateriaworksfirstaccessthemenuyouknowthebasicfunctionsthetrianglebuttonbringsup tHemenudirectionalbuttonsmovethecursorlikethisselecteachmenubyusingtheOKbuttonifyouwanttoleavethe menujustpushtheCANCELbuttonseelet'sgoaheadnowyou'reinthismenuselect[Materia]submenuselectwho youwanttouseitnowlookatmyweaponhereeachweaponandarmorhasslotsinitchoosewhichslotyouwanttoput MateriainnowselecttheMateriayouwanttousethisiscurativeMateriaifyouwanttoknowwhatitseffectislinethe cursorupwith[Check]andpushtheOKbuttonit'sjustlikeselectingbattlecommandsjustlinethecursorupto[Magic] youcanseethattheavailablemagichasincreasednowyoucanusenewmagic[Cure]andthat'sallthereistoequipping Materiaseeitwasn'tthattoughwhenyouwanttoremoveanyMateriait'saseasyaspointingtothemateriaslotand pushingthetrianglebuttonthere'sjustonethingyouhavetobecarefulofwheneveryouequipMateriayoursituation changespartsofyoumaybecomestrongerwhileothersgetweakernormally,whenyouequip[Magic]yourmagic powerwillgetstrongerbutyourphysicalstrengthweakenssoMateria'skindofadoubleedgedswordontheleftside ofthescreenyoucanseetheMateria'seffectonyouit'swisenottooveruseMagicMateriabuttryoutvariousthings pushtheCANCELbuttontoexitthesubmenuokthat'saboutiti'llgiveyousomeadvancedtipslater-

(Cloud falls panting and gasping to the floor.)

(Everyone stares at Cloud.)

(Cloud twitches.)

Barret: O.o

Tifa: What the hell?

Cloud: Gack! No more! No more!

(Cloud spasms.)

Barret: Hee hee hee Should we ask him to explain it again?

Tifa: NO!

Barret: Damn!

Tifa: Uh, Cloud, you just take care of the materia.

[Materia System] Access the menu and select [Materia] to equip Materia. If you haven't figured out what Materia are by now, they're the little pretty marbles that you stick in weapons and armor to use magic. This is kind of pointless because the only real materia that you'll ever use is Restore, Revive, Heal, and All, and can beat the game without using these or any other spells, but hey, who cares? Now EVERYONE POINT AND LAUGH AT FF8 FOR HAVING IT'S STUPID MAGIC SYSTEM!!! (among other stupid things, like Rinoa Heartilly)

(Everyone points and laughs.)

Tifa: Okay. Marlene, you watch the store while we're gone!

Marlene: 'Kay! Good Luck, daddy! Bye Auntie Tifa! I hope you fall off a fucking cliff, white boy!

(Marlene waves cheerfully.)

Insert random pointless NPC chatter here

Scene 8

- The Train - A Narrow Escape -

(Cloud arrives at the train station. Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie are waiting there.)

(Cloud approaches the train and everyone gets on.)

Barret: YO! Looks like this ain't no private car! So split up!

(Jessie, Biggs, and Wedge run out of the car.)

(They meet the well-dressed Shinra manager again.)

Shinra Guy: ....hoodlums again. God, don't I just have all the luck...

Cloud: Hey, at least you're not some overgrown snoring pig with weight problems.

(Player snickers.)

(Barret marches up to the screen.)

Barret: You say sumthin'? I said, 'you say sumthin'?!

(Barret glares.)

(Player shrieks and presses X button 5 million times.)

(Barret walks over to the Shinra Guy.)

Barret: Yo, look at that! It got empty alluva sudden. What's goin' on?

Shinra Guy: DAMN! I... it's empty because of... g, guys like you... and your big sexy arms I mean-

Barret: WUT?!

(Barret smacks him.)

Tifa: Oh god

Shinra Guy: Y, Y, YIPES!!

(Shinra Guy quivers.)

Shinra Guy: You... you've seen the news, right? AVALANCHE says there'll be more bombings

Barret: THE HELL?! WHO THE HELL TOLD THE PRESS THAT WE WERE GONNA-

Barret: Um, I mean, yeah, I heard.

Shinra Guy: Only devoted employees like me would go to Midgar on a day like today.

Barret: You workin' for Shinra?

(Barret pounds his gun-arm on the seat.)

Shinra Guy: Ooo Violent! I like that in a guy!

Barret: You little Shinra piece of shit-

Shinra Guy: Yes! Hurt me! Ravish me!
(Shinra Guy wraps his arms around Barret.)

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

(Barret aims his gunarm at the Shinra Guy's face.)

Tifa: Barret!!!

Barret: WUT?!

Tifa: You can't kill him!

Barret: WHY NOT?!

Tifa: If you do, then everyone will think that Vampiric hates homosexuals (which is not true), and that would be bad!!!

Barret: WHY?

Tifa: 'Cause then you'll be randomly skinned alive and dropped into a vat of acid?

Barret:

(Barret glances at the Shinra Guy.)

Shinra Guy: Tee hee!

Barret: @#$%!! You lucky #$%&!

(Barret and Tifa run to the back of the car.)

Cloud: So, what are we going to do now?

Barret: Shit! The hell you so calm about? You bustin up my rhythm

Cloud: Well, considering I've just been standing here doing nothing for the past 15 minutes or so

(The train starts moving.)

Tifa: Seems like they just finished connecting the cars. We're finally leaving.

Cloud: So what's our next target?

Barret: Hah! Listen to Mr. My-Hair-Weighs-More-Than-the-Rest-of-My-Body-Combined!

Tifa: Barret

(Tifa holds up a warning fist.)

Barret: Eep! Awright.... I'll tell ya! Jessie's probably already told you, but there's a security check point at the top plate. It's an ID scan system checkin' all the trains.

Tifa: Which Shinra is very proud of.

Barret: We can't use our fake ID's anymore to get drugs and stuff

Cloud: And that tells me WHAT about where we're going?

(The train intercom comes on.)

Good Morning, and welcome to Midgar Lines, the Fastest, Best, and Only train line that seems to run through the entire city of Midgar LOOK, JUST CAUSE I MOVED THE FIRE EXTINGUISHER, YOU DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO USE MY CHAIR! NO! GET THAT OUT OF YOUR- Arrival time at Sector 4 station will be 11:45.

Tifa: That means we've only got three more minutes to the ID Check point.

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret: Alright, in three minutes, we're jumpin' off this train. Got it?!

Cloud: But WHERE the HELL are we GOING?!

(Barret sits down next to the Shinra Guy.)

Shinra Guy: Waaaaah!! Don... don't worry about me. (oh man, oh man, oh man...!! I'm gonna brag to everyone at work about this!!!)

Tifa: Hey Cloud, come over here! Let's look at the Railway Map Monitor

(Cloud looks up at the map.)

Tifa: Hmm, it looks like you've seen this already It's all right. Come a little closer

Cloud: Er

(Tifa grabs Cloud.)

(A red light starts flashing.)

(Tifa shrieks.)

Tifa: It's an omen! A sign from the heavens! We're destined to be together!

(Tifa beams at Cloud.)

Barret: That's the ID checkpoint, foo'!!!

Tifa: Oh. That's odd. The ID Check Point was supposed to be further down.

Type A Security Alert!!!

Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be

conducted!

Repeat!! Type A Security Alert!!

Unidentified passengers confirmed... A search of all cars will be

conducted!

KILL THE COMMUNISTS!

Tifa: What's happening?
Barret: What's goin' on!!

Cloud: Um uh oh?

(Jessie rushes in.)

Jessie: We're in trouble. I'll explain later! Hurry! Get to the next car!
Barret: @#@%$! Someone blew it

Unidentified passengers located in Car #1

Preparing for Lock Down

Barret: Let's go! Keep it up! Rah rah rah!
(They rush to the next car.)

Car #1: Locked Down

Upgrading to Level 2 warning

Biggs: Hurry!

Wedge: They're gonna lock the door, sir!

Cloud: LIKE WE NEVER NOTICED!

Unidentified passengers located in Car #2

Preparing for Lock Down

Jessie: Just run! Changing to Plan 2!

Cloud: Plan 2?!

Tifa: "Run-Like-Fuck-And-Hope-They-Don't-Catch-Us!"

Cloud: What?!

Barret: Whatever, it works for Bin Laden!

(They rush to the next car.)

Car #2: Locked Down

Upgrading to Warning Level 3

(The lights stop flashing.)

Barret: Awright! We clear?!

Jessie: Not yet, They're starting another search. If we're caught, we're done for! But don't worry, if we move up the train, car by car, we should get past it!

(Jessie breaks her way out. Light starts flashing again.)

Unidentified Passengers:

Moving to front of Train

Currently tracking location

(They reach car #4.)

Car #4: Locked Down

Upgrading to maximum security alert!!

(Barret runs to the front of the car.)

Barret: All right! We made it! Yo! This way!!

(He opens the door of the train.)

Barret: Let's go!! We're gonna dive outta here!

Tifa: Scary huh.

Cloud: Too late to be saying that now. Why'd you come along anyway?

Tifa: Because

Cloud: Did they need a cook?

Tifa: WHAT?!

Barret: Hey you two! There ain't no time for that!!!

(They get ready to jump.)

Tifa: Yeah!! I've made up my mind. Watch closely. I'm gonna jump!
(She does so.)

(Cloud talks to Barret.)

Cloud: You don't care if I go first?

Barret: A leader always stays till the end. (Besides the fact that it scares the shit out of me but that doesn't matter!) Don't worry 'bout me, just go!

(Cloud moves to the door.)

Barret: Yo! Don't go getting' your spikey-ass hurt! Tifa's gonna kick my ass if you do! It's only the beginnin' of the mission!

Cloud: Whatever.

(Cloud jumps.)

(Barret whines.)

Barret: I don't wanna jump

(Shinra Guy comes running in.)

Shinra Guy: WHERE'D HE GO?! FLUFFYWOOKUMS! COME BACK HERE!

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHH!

Barret: Later! You take care of the rest!

(Jessie salutes.)

(Biggs salutes.)

(Wedge smacks himself in the forehead and falls unconscious.)

Biggs:

Jessie:

Biggs: Oh GREAT, now we have to DRAG him all the way

(Barret jumps.)

Shinra Guy: NOOOOOO! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

(Shinra Guy jumps off the train after Barret.)

Shinra Guy: Aaaiiieeeeeeeee

-end scenes 7 and 8-

Insert shameless advertisement for Vampiric's "Blatant FF7 Self-Insertion Story" here. Actually, in my opinion, it's funnier than this go read it if you haven't. =)