A/N: Sorry about the delay.

Scene 9

Reactor #5 . President Shinra

Random Underground Subway Place

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa collapse onto the floor.)

(Cloud pants.)

Cloud: Fuck! I haven't run that much since...

(Cloud ponders for a moment.)

Tifa: Yesterday at the reactor?

Cloud: ...Oh yeah.

(Barret brushes himself off.)

Barret: Good, so far everything's going as planned.

Cloud: You mean running and jumping off that train shrieking like scared little Japanese schoolgirls was part of your PLAN?!

Barret: Well, no. But it sounded like a cool thing to say.

Cloud: What kind of terrorist leader ARE you?!

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Better not let your guard down till we get to the Sector 5 Reactor.

Cloud: You mean we can let it down when we get there?

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie got everything ready for us.

Cloud: How can you tell? They were still on the train!

(Barret ignores Cloud.)

Barret: Let's-

Cloud: And we don't even have like goddam cell phones even though Midgar is supposedly so high-tech! And why the fuck are we fighting soldiers with GUNS with swords and martial arts? And how are these stupid little bangle bracelet things protecting us when we get shot in the head?  And-

Barret: GOD DAMN, do you ever SHUT UP?!

(Barret shrieks at Cloud!)

Cloud: Meep.

Barret: Anyway. The reactor's right down this tunnel.

Tifa: Which way?

Barret: The hell should I know!

(Tifa and Cloud walk into Barret. Barret spins around. Suddenly, Barret turns into Cloud. Do not ask me why this happens, for I do not know.)

(Anyway, Cloud and Co. continue down the tunnel.)

(And continue some more.)

(And more)

(And more)

(And still more)

Cloud: When the hell does this end?!

(And still more)

(until they reach the end of the tunnel.)

(Five Shinra soldiers stand around in brightly colored spandex uniforms.)

Cloud: Look! Shinra soldiers!

Tifa: Let's get em!

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

Cloud: What the hell are these, laptops?

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

Tifa: Do you think, maybe, we went the wrong way?

Cloud: No way, there's got to be an end to them sometime.

Barret: They're like the goddam Russian army!

(Random battle occurs.)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin' time!

(The Shinra soldiers give each other high fives!)

(The soldiers somehow become squarish mechanical pizza boxes!)

(Cloud and Co. kill the evil laptops.)

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in...)

----------One Hour Later--------------

(Two more Shinra soldiers run in!)

Shinra Soldier: It's morphin'-

Vampiric: ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

**Vampiric has reset the game**

Scene 9, take Two

Reactor #5 . President Shinra

Random Underground Subway Place

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa collapse onto the floor.)

(Cloud pants.)

Cloud: Fuck! I haven't run that much since...

(Cloud ponders for a moment.)

Tifa: A few seconds ago?

Cloud: ...Oh yeah.

Barret: Good, so far everything's going as planned.

(Cloud opens his mouth.)

Barret: NO! NEVERMIND! THAT WAS HORRIBLY OFF THE PLAN! DON'T TALK! LET'S JUST GODDAM GO!

Cloud: Fine. ...Ass.

(They walk down the tunnel, in the RIGHT direction this time, until they reach a grid of laser beams crossing the tunnel.)

Cloud: Those light beams are the Shinra's security sensors. We can't go any further. They also-

Barret: Who the fuck cares if they know we're coming, stop whining and let's just GO!

Cloud: disintegrate anything that passes through them-

(Barret shoves Cloud into the sensors.)

Cloud: NO-

(Half of Cloud's body instantly disintegrates!)

Cloud: The PAIN...

Tifa: You bastard!!

(Tifa shoves Barret into the sensors.)

Barret: AHHHHHHHHHH!

(Half of Barret's body instantly disintegrates!)

(Barret blinks.)

Barret: Well fuck.

Cloud: See?! SOMETIMES I have useful stuff to say!!

Barret: My ass.

Cloud: HALF your ass!

(Tifa rolls her eyes.)

(Tifa twirls around stupidly and waves her arms around!)

Tifa: Cure!

(The missing half of Cloud's body magically reappears!)

(Barret drinks a potion. The missing half of Barret's body rapidly regenerates!)

Barret: It tickles! It tickles!!

Cloud: Well shit, no wonder we never die.

Tifa: Anyway, we've got to find some other way in.

(They see a ventilation duct in the wall.)

Barret: That's one damn tiny hole. You tellin' me to squeeze into that to get under the Plate? No way!

Cloud: Wait, aren't we already under the plate?

Barret: Whatever!

CHOICE

1. Look inside closely

2. Go down

3. Don't go down

(Cloud looks inside the vent closely.)

Tifa: There seems to be nothing that'll get us stuck in this duct.

Cloud: Yeah, if we go down the duct, we won't be able to come back up here.

Tifa: You think maybe Shinra made it that way as a death trap?

Barret: ...

Cloud: ...

Tifa: ...

Cloud: ...Nah.

Tifa: Okay. I trust your instincts. Rather suicidally, I might add.

Barret: Don't be wastin' time. Never know when the Shinra'll find us.

Cloud: Other than the fact that two people just got disintegrated in their security sensors.

Barret: Shut up.

CHOICE

2. Go down

3. Don't go down

Cloud: I guess we gotta go.

Barret: But damn, man, I'm never gonna fit in there.

(All three ponder for a moment.)

Tifa: Wait, I have an idea.

Barret: Uh-

(Tifa shoves Barret into the security sensors!)

Barret: AHHHHH!

(Half of Barret's body instantly disintegrates!)

Barret: #$%&!!!

Tifa: Now he'll fit.

(Cloud, Barret, and Tifa enter the ventilation ducts, cast a Cure on Barret, and work their way into the Reactor. Along the way, they meet Jessie.)

(Jessie sobs.)

Jessie: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!

Cloud: ...Huh?

Jessie: The ID scan problem on the train was all my fault! I made Cloud's ID card special... so that's why it happened...

Barret: Awwww.

(Everyone looks at Barret weird.)

Barret: What!

Jessie: Uh, anyway, I put my heart into making it... but I failed!

(Jessie sobs some more.)

Jessie: I should have known they'd never believe "Hi my name is Nardo Fuckhead, I work as a male stripper in Wall Market and I also like to model women's undergarments on weekends"...

(Cloud sputters.)

Cloud: What?!

Jessie: I just hate you!! I didn't think it'd turn out THIS bad, though.

(Jessie shakes her head.)

Jessie: Next time, I'll give you something more decent.

Cloud: Wait what-

Jessie: I'll be back at the hideout in the research room workin' on it.

Cloud: Wait-

(Jessie walks off the screen and disappears.)

Cloud: Nardo Fuckhead?!

Tifa: Well, er, that was interesting.

Barret: How come you didn't kick HER ass?

Tifa: Well, she's not competition.

Cloud: Male stripper?!

Barret: And I am?!

(Everyone glances at Cloud, who is still in shock.)

Cloud: Women's undergarments?!

Barret: ...Aw, nuts.

Tifa: Anyway! Let's keep going.

(The three work their way deeper into the reactor... and come to the big slide.)

Barret: Now we have to be extremely quiet, there are soldiers around-

(They slide down.)

Cloud: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Cloud squeals!)

Barret: ...Or not.

(They pass through a couple doors...)

Cloud: Isn't it so nice of them to build all their reactors exactly the same so we can bomb them easier?

(...until they reach the core of the reactor.)

(Cloud moves to set the bomb.)

(The screen suddenly turns red and that annoying noise that hurts your ears suddenly starts playing!)

Cloud: AAAAGH!!

(Cloud clutches his head and falls to his knees.)

Weird Memory Scene

We are now inside a different mako reactor. With gears. That spin. Like a clock. Yeah. On the floor lies a long, thin sword. Tifa, as a younger girl, sometime between the well flashback and the present, kneels on the floor. A man lies before her, dead.

Cloud: Oh my god! You killed him!

(Cloud gasps!)

(Tifa apparently cannot see or hear Cloud.)

Tifa: Papa...

(Tifa sniffles.)

Tifa: Sephiroth?!

(Tifa sits up.)

Tifa: Sephiroth did this to you, didn't he?!

(Tifa shakes her fists and looks skyward, even though she really can't even see the sky cause she's inside a mako reactor.)

Tifa: Sephiroth... SOLDIER... Mako Reactors... Shinra... Everything!

(Tifa rises.)

Tifa: I HATE THEM ALL!!!

Cloud: What!! What did the poor little mako reactor ever do to you?!

(Tifa picks up the sword on the floor and runs into the reactor core.)

Now, Back to the Present

(Cloud comes out of his hallucination.)

RedXIII: And THIS, kids, is why you should stay off drugs!

Cloud: What the hell?! Ooo! Fuzzy kitty!

RedXIII: Fuck. He saw me.

(RedXIII runs off screen.)

Cloud: Wait! Kitty! Come back!

(Cloud grasps at the air blindly.)

(Barret kicks Cloud.)

Barret: Damn, man, get a hold of yourself!

(Tifa kneels by Cloud.)

Tifa: You all right?

Cloud: It's you!

(Cloud stands up and glares at Tifa.)

Tifa: Huh?

Cloud: Hater!

Tifa: What??

(Cloud shakes his head.)

Cloud: No... forget... Come on, let's hurry.

(Cloud plants the bomb in the reactor. They wait around for a couple of seconds for the screen to start flashing red and the words "RUN, YOU IDIOT!" to appear on the screen. Which does not happen.)

Cloud: Hey. What the hell.

Tifa: Is it malfunctioning?

Barret: Nah, we decided to use the automatic bomb that doesn't have a timer but blows up as soon as we get out of the area thing this time.

Cloud: Why didn't you use those last time?!

Barret: Uh...

Cloud: We nearly died!!

Barret: Shut up.

(Cloud, Tifa, and Barret hurry out of the reactor. They reach a mechanism with three buttons.)

Cloud: Ooo! It's DDR! ...with uh, three buttons ...on a table. Yeah.

Barret: It's the security system for the doors, you idiot.

Tifa: Jessie said we have to push all the buttons at once.

Cloud: But... why would you ever place all the security of a multi-million dollar reactor on three buttons that anyone could press at the same time and which have no security alert reaction or anything if you press them wrong?

Barret: Cause President Shinra probably has an IQ of about your level.

Cloud: Oh. That would explain it.

(They push the buttons at the same time. A door opens in the hallway, and they hurry through onto a walkway that looks exactly like the other walkway in the other reactor looked, except at the different angle.)

Barret: This way!

(Barret runs off to one side, only to run into some soldiers in red uniforms holding sticks blocking his way.)

Barret: Shinra soldiers?!

Tifa: Nope, that's just the marching band's color guard.

Barret: SHIT!! They even have the marching band here?! What the hell's goin' on?!

Cloud: ...a trap...

(We hear weird footsteps echoing down the walkway, then, Darth Vader theme music.)

Voice: YOU'RE ALL FIRED!!!!

Shinra Marching Band: Meep.

(Um, that is, Shinra theme music.)

Cloud: What's with the wooden clogs?

(Barret and Tifa glance at Cloud.)

Cloud: What! It sounds like it!

(The Shinra President walks onto the walkway, his expensive shoes echoing.)

Cloud: It's the Monopoly guy!!

President Shinra: Hmm... So you all must be that... what was it?

Barret: AVALANCHE! How the hell do you forget the name of a terrorist group that's been blowing up one reactor a day for the past friggin' year?!

President Shinra: Oh.

(President Shinra thinks for a moment.)

President Shinra: ...That was you?!

Barret: Um... no?

President Shinra: Oh, okay then.

(Cloud steps forward.)

Cloud: Long time no see, Mr. Monopoly.

President Shinra: What?

(Cloud glares and points at President Shinra accusingly.)

Cloud: How have your years been, luring innocent children into cheating and stealing and maiming for wads of paper money in fits of insane greed?!

President Shinra: Oh... you.

President Shinra: You're the one who quit SOLDIER and joined AVALANCHE. I knew you were exposed to Mako, from the glow in your eyes. The crazy one.

Cloud: I... I... I'm not... crazy...

President Shinra: What?

(Cloud sniffles a bit, then breaks down and sobs.)

Cloud: YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME SELL MARVIN GARDENS, YOU SPAWN OF EVIL! I WASN'T GOING TO DO IT! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!! I'M NOT CRAZY!!! YOU MADE ME DO IT!! BEAUTIFUL COLORED FAKE MONEY-

President Shinra: Um... right.

Tifa: Don't worry about him, he'll be fine. Actually, he is fine right now, isn't he.

 (Cloud has spasms on the floor, weeping about his lost Marvin Gardens.)

(Tifa beams and gazes at Cloud adoringly.)

President Shinra: Um... right. So tell me, traitor... what was your name? Forgive me for asking, but I can't be expected to remember each person's name. Unless you become another Sephiroth. And then I'll probably have to kill you.

(President Shinra ponders for a moment.)

President Shinra: Oh wait, I already am.

(President Shinra giggles gleefully.)

(Barret runs forward.)

Barret: I don't give a damn 'bout none of that! This place's goin' up with a big BANG soon! Serves y'all right!

President Shinra: And such a waste of good fireworks, just to get rid of vermin like you...

Barret: VERMIN? That's all you can say... VERMIN?! Y'all Shinra are the VERMIN, killing the planet! And that makes you... uh... President... no... uh... Leader! No... King... yeah! KING VERMIN!

(Cloud stands up.)

Cloud: Dude... that was SO lame.

Barret: SHUT UP!!

Tifa: Psst... Barret, the guy's just standing still right there.

Barret: Huh?

Tifa: Psst... Don't you think he'd make a really easy target?

Barret: What are you talking about?

President Shinra: You are beginning to bore me... I'm a very busy man, so if you'll excuse me... I have a dinner I must attend.

Barret: Dinner?! Don't gimme that! I ain't even started with you yet!

Tifa: BARRET, JUST SHOOT HIM!! HE'S STANDING RIGHT THERE!!!

Barret: Ohhhhhhhhhh.

(Barret runs up to President Shinra.)

President Shinra: Wait! I've made arrangements for a playmate for you all.

(President Shinra snaps his fingers.)

(You hear a distant rumbling noise.)

Everyone: ?!

Tifa: What's that noise?

(Barret runs back.)

Barret: The hell is this!

(A huge robot buzzes in and jerks threateningly at Barret and Tifa.)

President Shinra: Meet "Airbuster", the newest Gundam. Our Weapon Development Department created him. I'm sure the data he'll extract from your dead bodies will be of great use to us in future experiments.

Cloud: ...Gundam?

(A helicopter hovers up to the walkway.)

President Shinra: Now then, if you'll excuse me.

(Cloud runs forward, too late to intercept him. President Shinra flies away in the helicopter.)

Cloud: Wait, Mr. Monopoly! Waaaaaiiiiiit!!

(Cloud begins to sob on the floor again.)

(Barret and Tifa glance at Airbuster.)

Barret: That is one crappy Gundam.

Tifa: Yeah, I know.

(Airbuster buzzes at Barret angrily!)

(Barret shrieks!)

Barret: Yo, Cloud! We've gotta do somethin' about him!

(Airbuster buzzes towards Barret and Tifa.)

Tifa: Help, Cloud!

(Cloud runs in behind it.)

Tifa: THIS is from SOLDIER?!

Cloud: No way! It's just a machine!

(Airbuster executes a perfect ballet twirl!)

Barret: Shit, okay, now it scares me.

Cloud: Wait! Jessie showed me a model of something like this, yesterday! There should be a button in the back that turns it off. Quick! Distract it!

(Airbuster shoots Barret multiple times in the head!)

Barret: AAAAAAGH!!

Cloud: Good work!

(Cloud runs to Airbuster's back and reaches into the mass of cables.)

(Airbuster explodes a bomb in Barret's face!)

Barret: AAAAGH!!

(Cloud continues to search through the cables.)

Barret: Hurry up!!

(Airbuster slowly turns towards Tifa.)

Tifa: Ahh!

Cloud: Fuck this.

(Cloud pulls out random cables!)

Airbuster: WARNING! WARNING! AUTO TARGET SYSTEMS FAILING!

Airbuster: RETURNING TO TARGET #1!

(Airbuster slowly turns back towards Barret.)

Tifa: My hero!

Barret: DAMN YOU!

(Airbuster shoots a laser beam right between Barret's eyes!)

Barret: AUGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Cloud: I found it!

Cloud: Hah! Damn you back to your overly-popular TV series!!

(Cloud pushes the button and jumps off Airbuster's back!)

Back at the AVALANCHE Hideout

Biggs: Oh, hey Jessie, you know, yesterday-

Jessie: Yeah?

Biggs: Well Wedge was playing with his "Mailman Barbie" doll and kinda messed up your papers..

Jessie: What?!

Biggs: Well.. you know, that Gundam thing you showed Cloud...?

Jessie: Yes...?

Biggs: Uh, you showed him V1.02 instead of V1.03.

(Jessie furrows her brow.)

Jessie: V1.02 and V1.03... they changed the-

(Jessie blinks.)

Jessie: ...

Biggs: What?

Jessie: HELL YES!!!!!

Back at the Reactor

Cloud: Hah! Off!

(Cloud points!)

(Airbuster buzzes towards Cloud.)

Cloud: Um... off?

(Cloud points!)

(Airbuster quivers.)

Cloud: Uh...

Tifa: Er...

Airbuster: WARNING! WARNING! SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEMS ACTIVATED! SELF-DESTRUCT SYSTEMS ACTIVATED!

Barret: What!

Tifa: Self-destruct?!

(Airbuster quivers.)

Cloud: ...

Tifa: ...

Barret: Fuck.

**BOOM!!**

(Airbuster explodes, taking half the walkway with it. Cloud is left hanging from a piece of broken metal.)

(Cloud looks up into the sky and shakes his free fist.)

Cloud: Damn you, Jessie!! Damn you!!

(Barret glances at his watch.)

Barret: Shit! The reactor's gonna blow any second!

(Barret grabs Tifa.)

Barret: Let's go!

Tifa: But Cloud!

(Tifa weeps all over Barret's feet.)

Tifa: Barret! Can't you do something?!

Barret: Not a damn thing.

(Barret beams and claps happily.)

(Tifa leans over the edge of the broken walkway.)

Tifa: Cloud! Please don't die!

(Cloud looks down and shrieks.)

Cloud: Does it look like I have a friggin' choice here?

Tifa: You can't die! There's still so much I want to tell you!

Cloud: I know, Tifa...

Tifa: You do?!

Cloud: Uh... actually no, not really.

Barret: Hey, you gonna be awright?

(The walkway begins to rumble.)

CHOICE

(Be strong)

(I don't know if I can hold on)

(Cry like a little girl)

Cloud: I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

(Cloud shrieks!)

Barret: Pansy.

 (FMV sequence: the bomb explodes, knocking Cloud from the walkway. Tifa tries to grab him, but he is too far away. Cloud plummets from the upper plate down to the slums below.)

Tifa: Noooooo!

Cloud(faintly): Damn you, Jessie!!! Damn youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu....

*BAM!*

Cloud: OWWW!

(Cloud sniffles.)

Cloud(faintly): Why can't I ever just die......

-End Scene 9-