Kathryn moved the biobed out and sat down, kicking her feet. Who would have thought that she would be stuck under gallons of her favorite drink, and perhaps even to die because of it. And to be here with Chakotay, of all people. She knew that he loved her, and that she loved him back, but she had placed a little but powerful word in the way of any possible relationship. Protocol. How deeply she hated that word, and that she always clung to it, the way a Malcorian child would cling to his mother.
Kathryn was too proud to admit even to herself that she was scared of what would happen if she ventured into this unknown with Chakotay by her side. She was afraid that she would love him too much, and then he would be taken from her. Like Justin. Like Mark. The two men to whom she had been engaged, with both the relationships leading to disastrous conclusions; Justin's death and Voyager being tossed into the far end of the Delta Quadrant, nearly as far as she could get from Mark. Kathryn sighed loudly, millions of thoughts dancing in her head. Unbeknownst to her, Chakotay had come in and was regarding her softly, having resolved his own thoughts in the time they had been apart.
"Mind if I come in?"
Kathryn started almost guiltily for her thoughts before realizing that there was no possible way that Chakotay would know what she was thinking. "No, of course not."
Chakotay moved further into the tiny shuttle room and pulled himself up on the biobed next to her. The two sat in a companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Kathryn addressed the main issue that both of them were thinking about.
"Chakotay, do you think that Voyager will find us in time?"
"I don't know," he replied uncertainly. "But we both know that the likely hood of our being rescued has diminished. We only have about 10 minutes of air left, and Voyager should have found us long before now. There must be something that is preventing them from finding us."
"And with only partial sensors, there's no way we can figure it out and try to help," Kathryn finished for him. Sighing, she reflected on her ship and crew. "I wonder how the crew would do without us, under Tuvok's command."
"They've done it before," Chakotay responded. "While we were on New Earth."
Kathryn could feel what topic was going to come up next, and not wanting to talk about it, defused it. "Let's not talk about us right now."
"Then when will we talk about it?" Chakotay said frustrated. "We can very well die in here, Kathryn, and we may never have another opportunity. We both know we have feelings for one another, but why won't you admit it?"
This topic was one that Kathryn truly did not want to talk about. But as she gazed at his insistent face, she knew she wouldn't be able to get away with anything less than the truth. Taking a deep breath, Kathryn let it all come out in a rush. "In truth, Chakotay, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if I allow myself to love you fully, and not just from a distance."
"So you do have feelings for me," Chakotay couldn't hide his relief that he wasn't going off on a tangent.
"How could you doubt that? But I can't risk anything. What if you-"
"With a little risk, life isn't worth living, Kathryn," Chakotay protested, cutting her off. "You've got to take a chance, to jump beyond your personal safety net to be able to explore new places, new people. Otherwise, you'll end up with nothing but the daily routine, the same dull happenings day after day. You became a Starship Captain because you wanted to explore. Well, here's your chance to explore not just space and it's limitations, but yourself, your feelings. And you'll get to know me as well."
"Warning. Life support failure in five minutes," the computer informed them.
"This is pointless," Kathryn said to avoid answering his statement, slightly thankful for the distraction the ghastly alert caused. "We aren't going to be rescued Chakotay. We're going to be drowned in coffee, put to our watery graves. I don't have to make this decision."
"Are you so convinced about that? Our crew is resourceful. They still stand a chance of getting us out of this. . .this. . ." words failed him.
"This lake of coffee," Kathryn supplied for him, as the computer warned them that three minutes of life support was remaining.
"Lake of coffee!" he said, hammering his hand on the biobed. "What I really want to know, Kathryn, is that if we are rescued, what would happen? Would we be going back to the way things were, even when we both know our true feelings for one another?"
Kathryn fought with her conflicting emotions, wrestling with an answer. "No," Kathryn said softly, but with deep meaning. "I couldn't do that. If," she said slowly, "we are brought back to Voyager, I will stop hiding behind the ship's protocol."
"Why?" Chakotay said ruthlessly, wanting to have the reassurance that she wasn't just saying that, ignoring the computer voice that warned of the life support failure.
"I realize that if I don't at least give our relationship a chance, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. And that wouldn't make me a very good Captain. I would think back to all the times that I could have tried to have a relationship with you, and hated myself for missing every one of them. But if we go into a relationship now and it doesn't work out, then at least we made the attempt. And if it does, then I'll no longer have anything to regret."
"Thank you," Chakotay finally said, touched by her words.
"Warning," the computer spoke up. "Life support failure in one minute."
The realization that this could be their final moments in the world of the living suddenly stuck Kathryn. Chakotay saw the realization in her eyes and knew instinctively what she was thinking. All he knew was that he wanted to relieve her of that pain.
Leaning over instinctively, Chakotay closed the distance between them and kissed her lightly. Kathryn felt herself responding in a way she never had before, and kissed him back, deeper and more passionately. Chakotay's strong arms were around her waist, and they scooted her closer to him until their hips were touching. Her hands were strung around his neck, pulling him to her. The kiss ended quietly, with their foreheads leaning against the other's as they attempted to regain their breath.
"Warning," the computer intoned. "Life support failure in 15 seconds."
They pulled back slightly from one another, their bodies still intertwined. Kathryn could see nothing but acceptance and happiness in Chakotay's eyes. She smiled at him. If they were to die, they would do it together. Kathryn stretched out fully on the biobed and brought Chakotay down with her. He held her tightly against him, and Kathryn didn't protest in the least. Her hands were on his chest and her head on his shoulder as she gazed at him for the last time before closing her eyes and allowing the lack of oxygen in her lungs to make her fall into what seemed to be a deep sleep, but with no return.
Kathryn was too proud to admit even to herself that she was scared of what would happen if she ventured into this unknown with Chakotay by her side. She was afraid that she would love him too much, and then he would be taken from her. Like Justin. Like Mark. The two men to whom she had been engaged, with both the relationships leading to disastrous conclusions; Justin's death and Voyager being tossed into the far end of the Delta Quadrant, nearly as far as she could get from Mark. Kathryn sighed loudly, millions of thoughts dancing in her head. Unbeknownst to her, Chakotay had come in and was regarding her softly, having resolved his own thoughts in the time they had been apart.
"Mind if I come in?"
Kathryn started almost guiltily for her thoughts before realizing that there was no possible way that Chakotay would know what she was thinking. "No, of course not."
Chakotay moved further into the tiny shuttle room and pulled himself up on the biobed next to her. The two sat in a companionable silence, each lost in their own thoughts. Finally, Kathryn addressed the main issue that both of them were thinking about.
"Chakotay, do you think that Voyager will find us in time?"
"I don't know," he replied uncertainly. "But we both know that the likely hood of our being rescued has diminished. We only have about 10 minutes of air left, and Voyager should have found us long before now. There must be something that is preventing them from finding us."
"And with only partial sensors, there's no way we can figure it out and try to help," Kathryn finished for him. Sighing, she reflected on her ship and crew. "I wonder how the crew would do without us, under Tuvok's command."
"They've done it before," Chakotay responded. "While we were on New Earth."
Kathryn could feel what topic was going to come up next, and not wanting to talk about it, defused it. "Let's not talk about us right now."
"Then when will we talk about it?" Chakotay said frustrated. "We can very well die in here, Kathryn, and we may never have another opportunity. We both know we have feelings for one another, but why won't you admit it?"
This topic was one that Kathryn truly did not want to talk about. But as she gazed at his insistent face, she knew she wouldn't be able to get away with anything less than the truth. Taking a deep breath, Kathryn let it all come out in a rush. "In truth, Chakotay, I'm afraid. I'm afraid of what will happen if I allow myself to love you fully, and not just from a distance."
"So you do have feelings for me," Chakotay couldn't hide his relief that he wasn't going off on a tangent.
"How could you doubt that? But I can't risk anything. What if you-"
"With a little risk, life isn't worth living, Kathryn," Chakotay protested, cutting her off. "You've got to take a chance, to jump beyond your personal safety net to be able to explore new places, new people. Otherwise, you'll end up with nothing but the daily routine, the same dull happenings day after day. You became a Starship Captain because you wanted to explore. Well, here's your chance to explore not just space and it's limitations, but yourself, your feelings. And you'll get to know me as well."
"Warning. Life support failure in five minutes," the computer informed them.
"This is pointless," Kathryn said to avoid answering his statement, slightly thankful for the distraction the ghastly alert caused. "We aren't going to be rescued Chakotay. We're going to be drowned in coffee, put to our watery graves. I don't have to make this decision."
"Are you so convinced about that? Our crew is resourceful. They still stand a chance of getting us out of this. . .this. . ." words failed him.
"This lake of coffee," Kathryn supplied for him, as the computer warned them that three minutes of life support was remaining.
"Lake of coffee!" he said, hammering his hand on the biobed. "What I really want to know, Kathryn, is that if we are rescued, what would happen? Would we be going back to the way things were, even when we both know our true feelings for one another?"
Kathryn fought with her conflicting emotions, wrestling with an answer. "No," Kathryn said softly, but with deep meaning. "I couldn't do that. If," she said slowly, "we are brought back to Voyager, I will stop hiding behind the ship's protocol."
"Why?" Chakotay said ruthlessly, wanting to have the reassurance that she wasn't just saying that, ignoring the computer voice that warned of the life support failure.
"I realize that if I don't at least give our relationship a chance, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. And that wouldn't make me a very good Captain. I would think back to all the times that I could have tried to have a relationship with you, and hated myself for missing every one of them. But if we go into a relationship now and it doesn't work out, then at least we made the attempt. And if it does, then I'll no longer have anything to regret."
"Thank you," Chakotay finally said, touched by her words.
"Warning," the computer spoke up. "Life support failure in one minute."
The realization that this could be their final moments in the world of the living suddenly stuck Kathryn. Chakotay saw the realization in her eyes and knew instinctively what she was thinking. All he knew was that he wanted to relieve her of that pain.
Leaning over instinctively, Chakotay closed the distance between them and kissed her lightly. Kathryn felt herself responding in a way she never had before, and kissed him back, deeper and more passionately. Chakotay's strong arms were around her waist, and they scooted her closer to him until their hips were touching. Her hands were strung around his neck, pulling him to her. The kiss ended quietly, with their foreheads leaning against the other's as they attempted to regain their breath.
"Warning," the computer intoned. "Life support failure in 15 seconds."
They pulled back slightly from one another, their bodies still intertwined. Kathryn could see nothing but acceptance and happiness in Chakotay's eyes. She smiled at him. If they were to die, they would do it together. Kathryn stretched out fully on the biobed and brought Chakotay down with her. He held her tightly against him, and Kathryn didn't protest in the least. Her hands were on his chest and her head on his shoulder as she gazed at him for the last time before closing her eyes and allowing the lack of oxygen in her lungs to make her fall into what seemed to be a deep sleep, but with no return.
