ZIM: Phew, what a horrible dream THAT was. I could practically feel my squeedily spooch being compressed by that giant robot thingy. Thank goodness things are back to normal.
MS. BITTERS: YOU! You're late.
FEMALE VOICE: Sorry, Ms. Bitters.
[Zim's head whips up in shock as the camera spins to show Tak (!) standing next to Ms. Bitters' desk.]
TAK: My father needed me to help him set up the stand again.
MS. BITTERS: Very well. Now SIT DOWN!
ZIM: [leaps from his seat to land standing on his desk; points at Tak with a whip-crack sound effect] YOU! How dare you return?! What is the meaning of this intrusion into my territory?!
TAK: Geez, Zim, what's your problem? Father and I just got back from our vacation in the Alps, so I'm coming to class again.
[Tak innocently zips over to the desk behind Dib. The two of them look over at Zim for a few seconds, then start whispering to each other and laughing. Zim watches this and growls, his fists tightening.]
MS. BITTERS: Our lesson today will be about overcrowding, and how soon there will be so many people on the Earth that half of us will be doomed to fall off the other side!
DIB: [raises his hand] Ms. Bitters, is it really possible to fall off the Earth?
MS. BITTERS: Something like that. Now, open your textbooks to --
[The telephone pops out of Ms. Bitters' desk and starts ringing frantically. She snatches the receiver and listens for a moment, then slams it down again, shattering the phone and releasing several tortured souls.]
MS. BITTERS: [points dramatically] ZIM!
ZIM: [straightens and salutes] Yes, Mistress Bitters!
MS. BITTERS: You have a phone call in the office. Take the hall pass and go. Now.
ZIM: Phone... call? Very well. I shall take this... "phone call"... with pride.
[Zim marches to the door -- and is knocked over by the hall pass, thrown at his head with excessive power.]
------
[Zim walks down the hallway, muttering to himself, hall pass tight around his neck. Of course he is not so ignorant that he does not know what a telephone is; nevertheless, he is confused.]
ZIM: Who would be using the phone to contact me? GIR had better not be fooling around at home. I have got to start disciplining him properly.
[Zim comes to the end of the hall, where he is surrounded by nine departmental doors. After waffling for a bit (GIR: I like waffles!), he walks toward the door marked "Reception".]
ZIM: [bursts through the door dramatically] I am ZIM!! I have come to claim my phone call. You will not resist!
RECEPTIONIST: [bored] Oh yeah. Here. [holds a phone receiver out to Zim]
ZIM: Thank you. [snatches the receiver; pokes it; shakes it up and down; finally gets it right] Who wishes to bask in the glory of my voice?
HIGH MALE VOICE: Zim? That you?
LOW MALE VOICE: Of course it's him. Who else would answer the phone like that?
ZIM: [straightens up to his best military pose with a panicked look on his face] Ghhh! My, my Tallest! I didn't expect that --
RED: Yeah, yeah, of course you didn't. That's what we need to discuss.
ZIM: Eh?
PURPLE: We've been looking over your recent progress reports, and we've decided that they are... well... not good.
ZIM: Ehhh?!
RED: Right. We need that planet, and you're just not cutting it.
PURPLE: [cheerily] So we've replaced you!
ZIM: WHAT?!
RED: Oh, for the love of Miyuki! I was getting to that.
PURPLE: Sorry. I got caught up in the moment.
RED: Shut up for a second and let me finish.
ZIM: [clutches the phone receiver, eyes wide as dinner plates] But, but, but why?! Just a few more weeks and I --
RED: -- will be exactly where you started from, and we're sick of it! This "pointy-haired beast" you keep mentioning, for instance. He's still alive? You can't manage to deal with a single "human"?
ZIM: But he's the cleverest of all the humans! Once I finally dispose of him, the rest of --
PURPLE: SILENCE!
RED: Hey. Were you even listening to me?
PURPLE: Sorry again. It just... seemed like the right thing to say.
ZIM: And... who have you replaced me with?!
RED: Oh, you'll like this. You remember Tak, don't you?
[A pause. The phone receiver drops from Zim's limp hand to hang from its cord as he runs from the office.]
RED: Zim? Zim?
------
[Scene: the Massive, with dozens of little Voots circling it. Cut to the Tallest's room.]
PURPLE: [stares at a little speaker device] I think he's gone.
RED: Huh. He took it better than I predicted.
PURPLE: Man, we should have waited until he got back to his base.
RED: What? You were the one who couldn't wait to break his heart as soon as we made the decision.
PURPLE: Yeah, but I just realized that if we'd waited, we could've seen the look on his face when we told him.
RED: ...You're right. Drat. Ah, well. Wanna go visit Planet Curlyfrya again?
PURPLE: Do I?!
------
[Scene: outside SKOOL. Zim runs out the door and takes a random turn into an alley.]
ZIM: [panting and almost sobbing] I... I don't understand it! How?! How could my Tallest do this to me?!
TAK: Hey, Zim! Guess you've heard the news.
[Zim looks up to see Tak and Dib at the end of the alley, grinning devilishly.]
DIB: Too bad about the reassignment. Did your precious Tallest tell you what your new job's going to be?
ZIM: No, they didn't, Dib-thing.
TAK: Oh, good! I was so hoping I could say it myself. You, my dear Zim, are going to be the newest janitor on Planet Dirt! [Zim gasps] I hope you like filth.
[Zim's mouth opens and closes, but he can't speak. He backs away from Dib and Tak, his face locked in an expression of pure horror. Finally, he opens his mouth to scream...]
------
[Scene: Zim's home base.]
ZIM: [wakes up, screaming] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [pant, pant] Another one?! What does it mean?! Computer, contact my Tallest immediately! [a screen immediately comes down with the Tallest displayed on it; they are apparently having a limbo contest]
RED: Ack! [falls to the ground] Zim? [climbs up in front of the screen] What the heck do you want?
ZIM: My Tallest! You aren't planning to fire me and make Tak the Invader in charge of Earth, are you?
PURPLE: Tak? You mean the janitor?
RED: [groans] No, Zim, we have no plans to do anything remotely resembling that. Now go away.
ZIM: Thank you, my Tallest. I knew I could trust you. Invader Zim signing out! [the screen goes black] Wheeeew! That's a relief.
------
[Scene: the Massive, with dozens of little Voots circling it. Cut to the Tallest's room.]
PURPLE: [stares at the darkened screen] What was that?
RED: Just Zim on another one of his paranoid rants.
PURPLE: Hmm... Replace him with Tak...
RED: That's a stupid idea. What would we do with Zim? Make him a janitor?
[A long pause.]
BOTH: Hmmmmm...
------------------
Author's Note
Heh, you can probably already see how this story's going to go. I'll try to throw a few twists at you, though, never fear. Those of you who are big fans of Zim might be angry at me for putting him through this emotional torture. My defense is... er... actually I don't have a defense. Look, a huge distracting thing! (runs)
