Title:  Reality Sucks 

Chapter 1 – What have I done?

Rating:  R – This was posted a year ago under the title "What is Real" and I had 4 chapters completed – it was rated NC 17 so redoing the story, the ending and tweaking the first couple chapters.  Had over 70 reviews though – so must have been doing something right. 

Spoilers:  This is set right after Normal Again when all the Scooby's are in the basement and Buffy still hasn't taken the antidote yet.

Disclaimers:  Joss owns all the characters in the Buffy verse.  He even owns Spike which I am incredibly jealous of but I guess I will get over it in time…..  At least he shares.

Email: Crunchberry327@hotmail.com   

Distribution:  Just ask and tell me where.  Just not at barneythepurpledino.com.

Chapter one:  What have I done?

I look at all their tense faces, try really looking this time, trying to anchor myself to this world.  My hold on this reality is tenuous, at best.  Which world is real?  I'm afraid I know the answer and wouldn't like it one bit.

"You're not safe 'til I drink the antidote," I tell my friends.  They look surprised at this. Since I just killed the demon, they probably figured everything was right with the world again.  At least THEIR world. 

Dawn looks at me with abject fear in her eyes.  Oh my god, what did I do?  I almost killed my friends and my sister!  I might still kill them.  I know I need to act fast, before the other reality comes back and entices me away again.  Because that's what it is, enticing.  Mom and dad together, taking care of me, instead of me taking care of the world.  "Enticing" isn't even close to how I feel toward that reality.  It would be so easy to just close my eyes again.  But no. I almost killed my best friends and my sister.

"Dawn, go to Janice's right now.  Don't come home 'til Will or Tara tells you to.  Go NOW!"  I use the tone of voice that brooks no argument from anyone.  Dawn takes a quick look at Tara, then bolts up the basement stairs.  Good, one less worry for my addled mind to handle.

"Willow, how long will it take you to make up another batch of the antidote?" I ask.

"Well, with ... without the use of magic, it'll take a day or two.  I could use Tara's help, maybe, to speed things up, but I don't know if we have enough of the demon's poison to make another full batch," Willow says, her voice shaking a little bit, like she's trying not to sound frightened.  

"No, I need Tara here, for the time being. I can send her to you later.  Xander, you go get Spike. He's the only one strong enough to subdue me if I go all lunatic asylum again."   

Xander almost chokes on that one.  "Get Spike?  The bite-less wonder of Sunydale?  He can't hurt a kitten, let alone you!  What's he going to do? Ogle you to death?"

Oh god – I don't have the time to go into this with him right now.  Doesn't he realize I could kill them all in a minute if I let go of the hold I have on this reality?  Luckily, Tara looks at me and sees the fear I have for them all and tells Xander to just run and get Spike, that she'll explain later.  Thank God for Tara.  

 "O.K., but I don't like it.  We don't need Spike here, making things even more complicated," Xander grumbles as a parting comment, but he goes up the stairs.  Willow follows him out.  Now it's just Tara and I staring at each other.  I feel the tears threatening.  Oh god, what have I almost done?  

"It's O.K., Buffy. Xander will get Spike and we'll stay with you.  Everything will be O.K., honey."  She is the most beautiful person I know, inside and out.  What would I do without her?  I almost killed her, too.  Well – I need protection from myself, and she can help me short term until Spike gets here.

"Tara, can you do a spell that keeps me in the basement 'til Spike gets here?" 

"Uh, I ... I think so.  It won't last too long, though," she replies.  

It doesn't need to last long.  Spike should be here soon, and I just don't want to hurt any of them anymore.  I trust Spike to keep me from killing my friends.  But then again, what is there to keep me from killing him?  Especially if he's just a figment of my imagination?  Well, I'll worry about that later.

"O.K., do it.  Then stay upstairs – I don't want you down here with me!"

Tara looks at me like she wants to argue, but then she nods her head and slowly goes upstairs and closes the door.  I can hear her saying some things, and I just hope the spell works, because all I have to do is close my eyes and I am in heaven.  Or what I thought was heaven when I died….

TBC…..

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