Part V-JUN'S JOURNAL

Jun sat on a bench at Utoland Park near the Rainbow Fountain, clutching the black leather journal to her bosom, staring at the cascading clear water, sparkling in the late afternoon sun. The prism colored lights that would make the fountain a dazzling display at night were hidden now, out shone by the sun but by sunset the fountain would be aglow like a watery fireworks. Jun stared into the fountain, her thoughts running like the tiers of water that danced within the spouting geysers. She found her mind dwelling on the last time she had been at the fountain and how disappointing the circumstances were at that time but it was still her favorite place to sit and think, away from everybody. She sighed and looked up into the cloudless sky, shielding her eyes from the direct rays as she heard the faint sound of a single engine plane flying above and she saw a dark shadow of the plane as it crossed the face of the sun. Her thoughts unwillingly drifted to Ken for every time she heard a plane fly by, she imagined it was him, soaring among the clouds as he sought release from the subconscious demons that constantly pursued him. They all had their ways of dealing with life, for him it was flying. Thinking about the team, she put her hand down and inadvertently glanced at her communicator. She reached and turned it off, deciding that she wanted not to be disturbed.

Jun sighed again and she glanced at the closed book, sitting on her lap, waiting for her to open it and put her thoughts in writing. The counselor had asked her to write down her thoughts of her family and she was given the journal with the request to bring it to the next session. As she gathered her thoughts together to do just that, through the corner of her peripheral vision she spotted a tall, handsome young man stroll by and smile at her, his own eyes twinkling with friendliness as he tried to catch her eye. Jun barely nodded and put her head down and averting her eyes quickly to avoid him, hoping he would get the message that she wasn't interested. He did, his smile fading as he hurried away head down dejectedly. She opened the book and began to write.

It's been a long time since I've done this. Keep a journal. The last time I did this, I was 14 and it was a diary I was keeping. Hakase gave it to me for my birthday and I took it to my room to fill it with all my teenage dreams and hopes, knowing full well that I wasn't like other teenage girls.

When Hakase brought me and Jinpei here, we just hoped to find a family that would want us. It had been hard at the orphanage, even with the monks' kindness to feel good about ourselves without anybody special to love or care for us. It was a dream to us to find a family, a real family that we could fight with, share with, and love. When Hakase chose us, we were so overjoyed to realize what we'd been afraid to even hope for, we were going to have a family! Then he brought us to his house where we met Ryu, Ken, and Joe. And we became a family with me as the only girl (there were times the overabundance of testosterone would drive me crazy).

My family-let me begin with Jinpei. My little brother who I raised as an infant, abandoned and alone. He needed me and I realized as I took care of him, looked out for him and provided for him that I needed him just as much. He's really a wonderful little guy, even now as he's growing up and driving me crazy, still I don't know what I'd do without him. He gets a little nosy and there are times he gets on my nerves but I wouldn't have it any other way. He has a wiseass mouth that makes me want to take his head off and his complaining about the way I run the Snack J makes me almost regret giving him a home long ago (I didn't mean that!). He has a tendency to ride me about his perception of my so-called lack of femininity, usually about my poor culinary skills. He loves to embarrass me in front of the others but he's protective of me in the long haul I know he loves me deeply, as I love him.

Ryu is our gentle giant, a big teddy bear who's Jinpei's partner in crime with jokes played on me at the Snack. Ryu is a sweetheart, and someone who I see as a diamond in the rough. That is, he comes across as not bright but his light is hidden. He's so much more than what he shows others, I know because a few times he's seen me upset by Ken's indifference and has comforted me, like a true big brother. And he always seems to know when I need my space and takes Jinpei out with him, so I can be alone or with Ken on occasion. He's also the best pilot for the God Phoenix out of all of us, getting us out of one scrape or another and away from any weapon a mecha can throw at us.

And Ken. What can I say about Ken? I could say that I've been held captive since the day I first met him by those incredible sky blue eyes of his that I know watch me when he thinks I don't know. That his lean, sinewy strength makes my heart pound every time I see him and my senses sing when he calls my name. That when we go on missions together I think his may be the last face I see when I die and the thought of that comforts me in an odd, wonderful way. But what I'll say is Ken is my commander, my best friend, and the love of my life. He's really very wise and extremely clever in his role as commander, even when he makes the occasional mistake (after all, superior intellect and training aside we are HUMAN still).

To be honest, though, there have been times that Ken in all his Eagle glory has exasperated me to no end. He's always treated me in a way that has me wondering if Jinpei isn't right about my lack of femininity. I mean, is it me? It can't be 'cause there are guys who come to the Snack regularly who flirt with me and beg me to dance with them. And that guy who just walked by me here at the park, he certainly noticed I was a female. So what gives, Washio?? I long for the prepubescent days when you first saw me and followed me everywhere when we weren't training, making it clear to me that you liked me in that way. So now we're grown up and what happened? Is it because you're afraid that caring for me would cloud your judgement in the battlefield? Or are you just afraid of me? I know you care, even though you do some incredibly thoughtless things to me, like slapping me when you all found me after the jigokillers captured me. But I know the truth, Ken, you were devastated when you thought you had killed me by setting the flowers on fire, I know because Joe told me how tortured you were. So why can't you just show me? There are times you put your arm around me or grab my hand and squeeze it at the end of a mission, then later you withdraw like I had the plague. And there are the times that your eyes communicate what your behavior tries to hide. You broke down, kissed me and told me how you felt the other night at the Snack but then left, unable to trust me or yourself? Now's the time we should come together as Joe said to me while he was dying on the ground at Cross Karakorum but you still persist in keeping me at arms length.

Oh Joji, Joji-its only been five days but how I miss you! You always were a balance to the team dynamics but more than that, you were the voice of reason to me. Even in your bitterness and insatiable hunger for revenge, you always fought to keep us united, going against Ken when he lost his father and lost his focus; you and me have always been there to drag him back to his senses. Who's going to do that now? Who's going to keep our passion for the job fresh? Who's going to be our collective rage against Galactor personified? Who's going to, Joji?

Your lying there at Cross Karakorum, beaten and bloody and oh so weak blew my mind. Because in all the time we spent together training and preparing for battle that's not you, Joe, it never was you. You always seemed undeterred, like nothing would ever stand in your way in making Galactor pay for murdering your parents and stealing your childhood. You were the impulsive, moody, and angry one but you also were the one that encouraged me during training when I wanted to give up. You kept us honest and even though you pushed me away that day you were sitting on the hill, grieving over the illness in your body, I knew you appreciated the fact that I cared. And I do, Joji, so much! You are my rock, the strength I wish I could lay fame to.

Right now the song I played at the Snack the other night after I let Ken leave me is playing over and over in my head, like a mantra the words are weaving themselves throughout my thoughts. You are a hunter, a soldier, a lover to me even though I don't love you the way I love Ken, you are so important to me. I have to believe you're still alive and you'll be back with us, Joji.

Jun hurriedly wiped at the tears falling from her eyes as she noticed that the sun had set and the fountain lights had illuminated her bench while she was writing keeping her from noticing the deepening dusk. She got to her feet, took the journal and rushed over to her bike to get home before Jinpei could worry about her.