Chapter 6
Albus Dumbledore sipped slowly at his cup of hot chocolate. In a world gone mad, one could always count on a marshmallow to remain the same.
There was a knock at the door, and the brass knocker shrieked, "Severus Snape!"
With real regret Dumbledore placed his cup to the side.
He sighed.
He had known this day was coming for three weeks; had known it ever since Severus stubbornly refused to have his memory Obliviated.
They were going to Talk.
Albus headed for the door, absent-mindedly popping a pair of lemon drops into his mouth. He had been rehearsing this conversation for days, weeks really.
Now Severus, surely you realize I was trying to distract him. Veritaserum has no effect on me -
Now Severus, I'd forgotten all about that little conversation -
Now Severus, I hope we can continue to work together as friends -
Now Severus I -
He wondered if anyone had ever succesfully cast Avada Kedavra on himself.
He reached the door and pulled it open, a broad smile on his face.
"Severus, what a pleasure," he said. "I thought surely Fudge was still bothering you in the debriefing chambers. Come in, sit down."
Severus Snape sneered and shook his head. "As you are well aware, Headmaster, I was debriefed two weeks ago." Black bat-wing cloak swirling behind him, Snape pushed past the older man and took a seat at the table.
"Sherbet Lemon, Severus?" Dumbledore said blandly, sitting opposite.
"Do you offer those to all the children," said Snape bitterly, "or only to me?"
Dumbledore's smile collapsed and his face fell.
"Oh Severus, that was not kind," he managed. "I am not a pederast."
Snape steepled his fingers beneath his chin. "Do you remember the night I came to you? The night I left him?" The last word was a snarl.
"I remember," Dumbledore said quietly. Softly, he stroked the silken edges of his sleeves, stopping when he noted the nervous gesture.
"I was seventeen and I crawled to you," Snape said, "I came to you on my knees. I confessed everything and you forgave me." He spat on the floor and repeated, "You forgave me."
"You had made a mistake," Dumbledore said. He looked proud and ashamed all at once. "You were a child when you went to him."
"You forgave me for going to his side, and to his bed, and I offered to come to yours," Severus said. He poked angrily at Albus's discarded cocoa mug, ignoring its' frantic squeaks of annoyance at the rough treatment.
Dumbledore turned his head and said nothing.
"You refused me when I put my hands on your cock, and I believed you were the greatest man in the world," Severus hissed. "And now I find that you did want me after all." He slapped the mug from the table and it shattered on the floor. "I want to know, Headmaster. Was it only because you would not have Voldemort's whore? Were you afraid of what you might catch?"
Albus turned to stare at the younger man with anguished eyes.
"No, Severus," he said softly. "That is not true. Child, that is not true."
"I am a grown man, Headmaster," Snape said. "And I want to know- what is the truth?" He covered his face with shaking hands. "Did it excite you, when I told you the things he did to me? When you rocked me to sleep after the nightmares?"
"Severus, no."
"Tell me the truth," Snape snarled. "Damn you, tell me the truth!"
Albus took a deep breath.
"I have loved you since you were thirteen years old," Dumbledore said. "And you may damn me for that if you like."
"Why didn't you tell me, if you loved me so much?" Severus demanded, his voice anguished. "I was thirteen when my mother died. I was thirteen when I cried myself to sleep night after night with you holding me." He slammed his fists into the table. "Was that the only reason you held me even then?"
Dumbledore covered the other man's hands with his own, holding tightly when Severus tried to jerk away.
"I held you then because you were a child Severus," he said carefully. "I loved you, but I did not wish to make love to you, not then."
"A child who idolized you!" Snape shouted. "A child who would have let you do anything you wanted, anything, if it meant I could be with you a few minutes longer. I trusted you!"
"And I would not betray that, even now," Dumbledore said quietly. "When your mother died I held you because you were hurt." He squeezed the man's hands tightly, "And when you left him, when you were older and I did want you, desperately, do you know why I still refused you?"
"Because he had made me filthy," said Severus.
"Severus," Dumbledore said softly, "If I had taken you then, you would have thought for the rest of your life that you had bought your way with your body. That was his way, my boy, not mine."
"That was a long time ago, Headmaster," Snape said. "I have been a man for a very long time."
Albus sighed. "A man who, up until three weeks ago, would still treat my slightest wish as a command." He stood and began to pace. "I am over one hundred years your senior Severus, would I ever have been sure that you came to my bed as an equal?" He paused in his stride to stare into the mirror, and then resumed pacing. "I loved you then for the man you would be. I love you now for the man you have become." He stared sadly at the potions master, "But I would never have used that love to harm you."
"Veritaserum," Severus said.
"What?" Dumbledore said. He returned to the table and sat. "Did you say Veritaserum?"
"Take it," Severus spat out. "Four drops. And then we'll finish this conversation."
There was a long moment of silence, and then Albus nodded.
Yes.
Severus reached into the pocket of his robe and withdrew a small bottle. Wordlessly, Dumbledore stretched out his hand.
The glass was cool against his fingers as he pulled the stopper and placed it to his lips.
One drop, two.
He smiled sadly.
Three.
"That's enough," Severus said harshly.
Four.
"Albus, enough," Severus said, reaching for the vial.
Five. Six. Seven.
"Have you gone mad?" Severus snarled. He slapped the vial from the older wizard's hands, spraying the remaining contents across the rug. "Seven drops? I don't want you to poison yourself, only to tell me the truth."
"I did not want there to be any doubt," Albus said quietly. "Now, there will not be."
Severus stared at him, his eyes blank and unreadable. "When my mother died, and my father began to beat me, did you heal me - " He paused and cleared his throat. "Did you comfort me because you wanted to use me?"
"No," said Dumbledore. He winced. "I held you, and I healed you, and I kept your secrets because I loved you, not to gain pleasure."
"Did you ever become - aroused, when I sat, and cried in your arms or on your bed?" Severus asked. A muscle twitched at the side of his jaw.
"No," Albus whispered. He looked quite ill. "Severus, how could you ask that?"
"And the night I came to you, from him," Severus said, his voice cracking, "Why did you refuse me?" His knuckles were white and clenched. "I felt you respond."
"You were hurt, Severus, so hurt," Albus said. He remembered with a shudder the thin, battered, and very young man who had entered his rooms that night. The boy's eyes had been beaten almost closed, his ribs broken. Blood had run from his mouth as he breathed. Dumbledore shook his head at the memory and reached across the table to brush a bit of hair from Snape's eyes, wincing as the man flinched from the touch. "I almost told you that night."
"Why didn't you?"
"When you touched me, and I did respond, do you remember what you did next?" Dumbledore asked.
"I started to undress," Severus said. He was confused. "And I asked what you wanted. What does this have to do with anything?"
"No," Dumbledore said, "You took off your pants and dropped to your knees in front of me. Do you remember?"
"Yes," Severus said flatly. "And you told me to get dressed and go."
"No, Severus," said the older man patiently.
"All right then. You put your hand on my face, and you asked me what I was doing," Severus said, sounding angry, "And I asked what you wanted- did you want me to suck you off while you sat there or did you want to fuck me? That seems clear enough to me."
"Oh, it was clear," Dumbledore said. "And when I heard you ask me that, my heart broke," Albus said gently. "You had no idea that there was more to it than that, that I might not just use you for my own pleasure."
Snape stared at the older man in blank incomprehension. "What else would there have been?" he asked. "I wanted you to use me."
"Severus," Albus said, horror dawning on his face. "Have you never had a partner who cared for you, even now?"
"I have had many partners, Albus," Snape said.
Albus shook his head. "Severus, when I realized that you had no expectation of love, or joy, or even warmth, only of someone using your body for their own needs, I told you to get dressed." He clasped his hands over the potions masters'. "I loved you then and I love you now my boy."
Dumbledore felt something in his tightly clenched stomach relax as Severus pulled one hand free and twined it in the fabric of his sleeve.
"You didn't refuse me because he had touched me?" Snape whispered.
"No."
"And you didn't let me come back because you wanted me?"
"No."
Snape closed his eyes. "Have you ever, in your life, touched or thought of touching a child?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "No, Severus. When I realized the exact nature of my feelings for you, you were 17." He smiled sadly, "And before you ask, no, there has never been another student who has held my heart."
Snape's shoulders jerked back and forth several times, and Albus realized that he was sobbing without tears.
"Is it so different?" Severus said in a raw voice, "What you wanted, with me? Was I so wrong?"
"Yes, child, it is that different," Dumbledore said softly. "As different as he and I." He slid his hand over the other man's head, smoothing the soft black hair.
"I need to think Albus," said Snape. "I don't know what's real anymore." He laid his head on the table.
"Why did you come here Severus?" the old man asked. Gently, he continued to stroke the potion master's hair. "What other potions do you have in those pockets of yours?"
"Non Temetis Messor Extract," Snape whispered without lifting his head. Slowly he pulled a tiny black bottle from his pocket and placed it on the table. "If you had been like him, if my whole life had been based on a lie, I would have ensured that neither of us left this room."
Gingerly, Dumbledore scooped up the potion and stared at it. Non Temetis Messor, truly bottled death. Once the potion cooled, if the stopper were removed, or even loosened, everyone who breathed the vapor would be dead within seconds. He thought for a moment of the speech Severus
gave every first year potions class -
I certainly hope he isn't teaching this one.
A light sweat broke out on his forehead. The potion had been outlawed by the Ministry over one hundred years ago; even the primary ingredients were banned.
Carefully, Dumbledore removed his wand from its sleeve pocket and said "Argentum cubitus."
The potion bottle disappeared. In its place sat a gold box. Hands shaking, Albus picked up the golden cube and tossed it into the fire.
"Thank heavens gold neutralizes it," Dumbledore said. His cheerful voice sounded forced.
"I'm frightened," Snape said quietly. He straightened and looked at the older man. "Everything I know to be true is wrong."
"I should have told you that you were loved," Dumbledore said. "Can you try to forgive me for the mistakes I have made?"
"I have to think," said Snape. He rose, his robes hanging listlessly. "Potter has given me the gift of a life; I'm not sure if I should thank him or kill him."
"I love you Severus," Dumbledore said, "I always have." He trailed behind the younger man as the potions master made for the door.
"I don't know what that means," Snape said.
The wooden door slammed with a muffled "ouch" from the doorknocker, and then there was silence.
Albus Dumbledore sipped slowly at his cup of hot chocolate. In a world gone mad, one could always count on a marshmallow to remain the same.
There was a knock at the door, and the brass knocker shrieked, "Severus Snape!"
With real regret Dumbledore placed his cup to the side.
He sighed.
He had known this day was coming for three weeks; had known it ever since Severus stubbornly refused to have his memory Obliviated.
They were going to Talk.
Albus headed for the door, absent-mindedly popping a pair of lemon drops into his mouth. He had been rehearsing this conversation for days, weeks really.
Now Severus, surely you realize I was trying to distract him. Veritaserum has no effect on me -
Now Severus, I'd forgotten all about that little conversation -
Now Severus, I hope we can continue to work together as friends -
Now Severus I -
He wondered if anyone had ever succesfully cast Avada Kedavra on himself.
He reached the door and pulled it open, a broad smile on his face.
"Severus, what a pleasure," he said. "I thought surely Fudge was still bothering you in the debriefing chambers. Come in, sit down."
Severus Snape sneered and shook his head. "As you are well aware, Headmaster, I was debriefed two weeks ago." Black bat-wing cloak swirling behind him, Snape pushed past the older man and took a seat at the table.
"Sherbet Lemon, Severus?" Dumbledore said blandly, sitting opposite.
"Do you offer those to all the children," said Snape bitterly, "or only to me?"
Dumbledore's smile collapsed and his face fell.
"Oh Severus, that was not kind," he managed. "I am not a pederast."
Snape steepled his fingers beneath his chin. "Do you remember the night I came to you? The night I left him?" The last word was a snarl.
"I remember," Dumbledore said quietly. Softly, he stroked the silken edges of his sleeves, stopping when he noted the nervous gesture.
"I was seventeen and I crawled to you," Snape said, "I came to you on my knees. I confessed everything and you forgave me." He spat on the floor and repeated, "You forgave me."
"You had made a mistake," Dumbledore said. He looked proud and ashamed all at once. "You were a child when you went to him."
"You forgave me for going to his side, and to his bed, and I offered to come to yours," Severus said. He poked angrily at Albus's discarded cocoa mug, ignoring its' frantic squeaks of annoyance at the rough treatment.
Dumbledore turned his head and said nothing.
"You refused me when I put my hands on your cock, and I believed you were the greatest man in the world," Severus hissed. "And now I find that you did want me after all." He slapped the mug from the table and it shattered on the floor. "I want to know, Headmaster. Was it only because you would not have Voldemort's whore? Were you afraid of what you might catch?"
Albus turned to stare at the younger man with anguished eyes.
"No, Severus," he said softly. "That is not true. Child, that is not true."
"I am a grown man, Headmaster," Snape said. "And I want to know- what is the truth?" He covered his face with shaking hands. "Did it excite you, when I told you the things he did to me? When you rocked me to sleep after the nightmares?"
"Severus, no."
"Tell me the truth," Snape snarled. "Damn you, tell me the truth!"
Albus took a deep breath.
"I have loved you since you were thirteen years old," Dumbledore said. "And you may damn me for that if you like."
"Why didn't you tell me, if you loved me so much?" Severus demanded, his voice anguished. "I was thirteen when my mother died. I was thirteen when I cried myself to sleep night after night with you holding me." He slammed his fists into the table. "Was that the only reason you held me even then?"
Dumbledore covered the other man's hands with his own, holding tightly when Severus tried to jerk away.
"I held you then because you were a child Severus," he said carefully. "I loved you, but I did not wish to make love to you, not then."
"A child who idolized you!" Snape shouted. "A child who would have let you do anything you wanted, anything, if it meant I could be with you a few minutes longer. I trusted you!"
"And I would not betray that, even now," Dumbledore said quietly. "When your mother died I held you because you were hurt." He squeezed the man's hands tightly, "And when you left him, when you were older and I did want you, desperately, do you know why I still refused you?"
"Because he had made me filthy," said Severus.
"Severus," Dumbledore said softly, "If I had taken you then, you would have thought for the rest of your life that you had bought your way with your body. That was his way, my boy, not mine."
"That was a long time ago, Headmaster," Snape said. "I have been a man for a very long time."
Albus sighed. "A man who, up until three weeks ago, would still treat my slightest wish as a command." He stood and began to pace. "I am over one hundred years your senior Severus, would I ever have been sure that you came to my bed as an equal?" He paused in his stride to stare into the mirror, and then resumed pacing. "I loved you then for the man you would be. I love you now for the man you have become." He stared sadly at the potions master, "But I would never have used that love to harm you."
"Veritaserum," Severus said.
"What?" Dumbledore said. He returned to the table and sat. "Did you say Veritaserum?"
"Take it," Severus spat out. "Four drops. And then we'll finish this conversation."
There was a long moment of silence, and then Albus nodded.
Yes.
Severus reached into the pocket of his robe and withdrew a small bottle. Wordlessly, Dumbledore stretched out his hand.
The glass was cool against his fingers as he pulled the stopper and placed it to his lips.
One drop, two.
He smiled sadly.
Three.
"That's enough," Severus said harshly.
Four.
"Albus, enough," Severus said, reaching for the vial.
Five. Six. Seven.
"Have you gone mad?" Severus snarled. He slapped the vial from the older wizard's hands, spraying the remaining contents across the rug. "Seven drops? I don't want you to poison yourself, only to tell me the truth."
"I did not want there to be any doubt," Albus said quietly. "Now, there will not be."
Severus stared at him, his eyes blank and unreadable. "When my mother died, and my father began to beat me, did you heal me - " He paused and cleared his throat. "Did you comfort me because you wanted to use me?"
"No," said Dumbledore. He winced. "I held you, and I healed you, and I kept your secrets because I loved you, not to gain pleasure."
"Did you ever become - aroused, when I sat, and cried in your arms or on your bed?" Severus asked. A muscle twitched at the side of his jaw.
"No," Albus whispered. He looked quite ill. "Severus, how could you ask that?"
"And the night I came to you, from him," Severus said, his voice cracking, "Why did you refuse me?" His knuckles were white and clenched. "I felt you respond."
"You were hurt, Severus, so hurt," Albus said. He remembered with a shudder the thin, battered, and very young man who had entered his rooms that night. The boy's eyes had been beaten almost closed, his ribs broken. Blood had run from his mouth as he breathed. Dumbledore shook his head at the memory and reached across the table to brush a bit of hair from Snape's eyes, wincing as the man flinched from the touch. "I almost told you that night."
"Why didn't you?"
"When you touched me, and I did respond, do you remember what you did next?" Dumbledore asked.
"I started to undress," Severus said. He was confused. "And I asked what you wanted. What does this have to do with anything?"
"No," Dumbledore said, "You took off your pants and dropped to your knees in front of me. Do you remember?"
"Yes," Severus said flatly. "And you told me to get dressed and go."
"No, Severus," said the older man patiently.
"All right then. You put your hand on my face, and you asked me what I was doing," Severus said, sounding angry, "And I asked what you wanted- did you want me to suck you off while you sat there or did you want to fuck me? That seems clear enough to me."
"Oh, it was clear," Dumbledore said. "And when I heard you ask me that, my heart broke," Albus said gently. "You had no idea that there was more to it than that, that I might not just use you for my own pleasure."
Snape stared at the older man in blank incomprehension. "What else would there have been?" he asked. "I wanted you to use me."
"Severus," Albus said, horror dawning on his face. "Have you never had a partner who cared for you, even now?"
"I have had many partners, Albus," Snape said.
Albus shook his head. "Severus, when I realized that you had no expectation of love, or joy, or even warmth, only of someone using your body for their own needs, I told you to get dressed." He clasped his hands over the potions masters'. "I loved you then and I love you now my boy."
Dumbledore felt something in his tightly clenched stomach relax as Severus pulled one hand free and twined it in the fabric of his sleeve.
"You didn't refuse me because he had touched me?" Snape whispered.
"No."
"And you didn't let me come back because you wanted me?"
"No."
Snape closed his eyes. "Have you ever, in your life, touched or thought of touching a child?"
Dumbledore shook his head. "No, Severus. When I realized the exact nature of my feelings for you, you were 17." He smiled sadly, "And before you ask, no, there has never been another student who has held my heart."
Snape's shoulders jerked back and forth several times, and Albus realized that he was sobbing without tears.
"Is it so different?" Severus said in a raw voice, "What you wanted, with me? Was I so wrong?"
"Yes, child, it is that different," Dumbledore said softly. "As different as he and I." He slid his hand over the other man's head, smoothing the soft black hair.
"I need to think Albus," said Snape. "I don't know what's real anymore." He laid his head on the table.
"Why did you come here Severus?" the old man asked. Gently, he continued to stroke the potion master's hair. "What other potions do you have in those pockets of yours?"
"Non Temetis Messor Extract," Snape whispered without lifting his head. Slowly he pulled a tiny black bottle from his pocket and placed it on the table. "If you had been like him, if my whole life had been based on a lie, I would have ensured that neither of us left this room."
Gingerly, Dumbledore scooped up the potion and stared at it. Non Temetis Messor, truly bottled death. Once the potion cooled, if the stopper were removed, or even loosened, everyone who breathed the vapor would be dead within seconds. He thought for a moment of the speech Severus
gave every first year potions class -
I certainly hope he isn't teaching this one.
A light sweat broke out on his forehead. The potion had been outlawed by the Ministry over one hundred years ago; even the primary ingredients were banned.
Carefully, Dumbledore removed his wand from its sleeve pocket and said "Argentum cubitus."
The potion bottle disappeared. In its place sat a gold box. Hands shaking, Albus picked up the golden cube and tossed it into the fire.
"Thank heavens gold neutralizes it," Dumbledore said. His cheerful voice sounded forced.
"I'm frightened," Snape said quietly. He straightened and looked at the older man. "Everything I know to be true is wrong."
"I should have told you that you were loved," Dumbledore said. "Can you try to forgive me for the mistakes I have made?"
"I have to think," said Snape. He rose, his robes hanging listlessly. "Potter has given me the gift of a life; I'm not sure if I should thank him or kill him."
"I love you Severus," Dumbledore said, "I always have." He trailed behind the younger man as the potions master made for the door.
"I don't know what that means," Snape said.
The wooden door slammed with a muffled "ouch" from the doorknocker, and then there was silence.
