Two Men and a Thorn Bush

By tHe InSaNe OnE

AN- Lemme guess what you all are thinking. IT'S ABOUT TIME! LoL. Yes, I suppose it is. *cowers* I'm very sorry.

I could make up excuses but frankly, I can't really think of too many other than severe writers block. Doesn't anyone get that every once in a while? *sniffles* I don't want to be the only one who suffers from it.

What is that? This is very nice but you want another chapter of INSIDE THE BEAST. Sorry, I'd really love to. Ask Halo and Aralondwen. I have slowly been writing it and each time it ends up in the garbage. Ideas would be absolutely wonderful and I would love you all for the rest of my life. Really.......I would!

I have another thing to beg of you. Could you all give me information on Celebrian? *cowers under the evil looks she is getting* It's for a plot bunny that's been eating away at me. I need to just know things I CAN'T find in the appendixes. Hair color, eye color stuff. Any of you know it? *big puppy dog eyes*

Well, yes, here is the chapter. Read and enjoy! Response to reviewers at the bottom!

Um, highly asked question: Why was Legolas bound? A) To keep him from killing Estel B) To keep him from scratching himself raw

(Apologies for mistakes. I wanted to post before someone kills me. No time for a beta. I miss a lot so you may yell at me.)

~*~

"Why is it," Elrond demanded, "that whenever the two of you go out, you never come back in one piece?" He stared at Legolas, waiting for the blonde elf to say something. When the prince didn't respond, he continued. "Hm? Can't tell me? Come on now, there must be some special answer for this." Legolas still didn't answer. In fact, all he really did was lie on the bed and wriggle, trying to escape the ropes that bound him. "Oh, yes, I forgot, you can't tell me, can you? You can't say a word to me because you're GAGGED!"

The elf lord turned around, his eyes blazing. He shoved one elegant finger into Glorfindel's face. "You tell me then. I want an answer and I want one now! Why do they always come home in pieces? I did not spend the last hundreds of years storing up herbs for nothing! I did not save them all just so they would be gone in a century! Hah, century, that's hopeful! Perhaps a half a century, or maybe less, a decade!"

Glorfindel made a noise that sounded oddly like a mouse being trodden on. He cowered, trying to back away from Elrond.

"I don't know," he squeaked, pressing himself against the wall. "They are just danger prone I guess." He was slowly sliding towards the door.

Lord Elrond wasn't paying attention to him anymore, though. He was staring at Legolas again.

"You look so very pitiful just lying there," the elf lord commented. "Tied, gagged, twitching like a fish out of water. So you want me to make the itching stop? Well, what if I don't want to!? Have you ever thought of that?! What if I don't want to make you feel better? What if I simply want to watch you suffer?! And on top of it all, how do you know there's a cure?! Hmm? You don't know if I CAN stop the itching. Maybe you should've thought of that before you went and jumped on the thorn bush, hmm? But nooo, we'd never think of that, now would we?"

"Mmmmmppphhh," Legolas moaned, his eyes wide with what appeared to be horror.

"Is that right? Well, I'm glad you've realized the levity of the situation," Elrond snapped.

"My Lord?" Elrond rounded on Glorfindel. "Should I go get something so you can help him?"

Elrond twitched and Glorfindel began wondering if it would be best to run out of the room screaming. He watched carefully as the keeper of Vilya twitched, and blinked, silently fuming. But suddenly, perhaps a little too suddenly, the elven lord relaxed, and he smiled a slightly scary smile.

"That would be good, thank you, Glorfindel," he said calmly. Glorfindel nodded, suddenly glad that he was not in Legolas' position. Without another word, he walked out of the room in search of some herbs.

Elrond stood, rubbing his temples. This simply was not his day. He did not want to patch people up. He did not want to be a healer. He did not want to be a father. He did not want to be a foster father for that matter. He did not want to be anything. He wanted to be a little elfling once more, without worries or children or his children's friends for that matter. But it seemed that he did not have that choice.

Curse it all.

"Well, I'm not going to lie to you," he stated flatly, taking a seat on the edge of the bed. "This is going to be most unpleasant."

Legolas let out a groan.

"But the thing is we really can't do much to fix that. I mean, I do have a few soothing herbs, but that's about it."

Silence.

"However, until Glorfindel comes back with my herbs, I can pull the thorns out of you."

Squeak.

"I hope you don't mind. I really think that numbing medicine should be used for more important things.

"Mmmphh mm mmmphh."

"Well, it's not THAT bad. Just stings a bit." And with that, Elrond nimbly reached over, twisted, and pulled one of the hooked thorns from the prince's arm.

~*~

Glorfindel was making his way back to the room in a slow fashion. Of course, he had good reason to be returning slowly. He was afraid, very afraid. The small collection of herbs he had in his hands felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. Death was upon him. When he reached the room, Elrond would need someone to vent his anger on. Oh, why did he have to be here now? Why couldn't he have been somewhere else? Like Lorien. Nice, peaceful, serene Lorien. No, scratch that, Arwen was there.

He was so caught up in his thoughts he didn't quite realize that he had reached the door. It didn't take too long for him to snap out of it though. A muffled yelp ripped through the air, and he could hear Elrond speaking. Uh oh, this was bad. He knew he should've brought some of Elrond's medication. So it wasn't really a medicine, more like a calming herb. But, unfortunately he hadn't thought about it.

Tentatively, he stepped into the room, hoping that fate might be a bit kind to him. It was. For the moment.

Twist.

Pull.

Yelp.

Twist.

Pull.

Yelp.

Twist.

Pull.

Yelp.

Elrond was almost used to the pattern. He would twist the thorn and pull it and the prince would make a noise of discomfort. From time to time, he would break the pattern, and speak a bit but that was only because he was feeling incredibly cynical at the moment.

Twist.

Pull.

Yelp.

Twist.

Pull.

"Elrond?"

The Lord of Rivendell jerked out of his nearly trancelike state, and turned to the speaker. Glorfindel was standing behind him, with a mixture of emotions on his face. Elrond was able to define them as various forms of fear. Oh dear Valar, what's happened now? Elrond thought, in near panic. No more, no more, no more, no more, no more, nomorenomorenomore....................

"Um, here are some herbs. But, um, there's a slight problem."

Elrond twitched. Legolas moaned in despair. Glorfindel saw his life flash before his eyes.

"What is the," twitch, "problem, Glorfindel?"

"Well, you see," Glorfindel shuffled his feet. For the second time in recent hours, he was feeling like a little kid who had been caught doing something wrong. Oh, Lorien would be a synch compared to this. "You know the itching cream you use? Well, um, I, um, was looking for it and, uh, its, um, not there."

Elrond stared at him for a moment. His face was blank. His eyes gave no show to what he was feeling. He just sat, and stared. "Pardon?"

"Well, um, you see, I don't know where it is! I looked everywhere for it. I would've brought you herbs to make it but I couldn't find them either. I looked in the container you usually keep those herbs in and well, it was.........." He stopped. No, he couldn't say that. He quickly scanned the room, making sure that there were no dangerous objects around. He did not want to die.

"It was what?" Elrond asked in a monotone voice.

"Empty," Glorfindel whispered softly, flinching away.

"Did you just say," twitch, "empty?"

Legolas squealed and struggled so hard that he managed to free his hands from the bindings. He immediately started scratching himself, but at the same time he flopped off the bed. Scratching with one hand, he used his free hand to drag himself across the floor. Elrond did not seem to notice.

"Yes," Glorfindel said, carefully setting down the herbs on a table. The door was very close and open. He could run faster than Elrond. He was a pure blood. All he had to do was make it out the door and-

"STAY!" Elrond bellowed as Legolas made his slow way to the door. Legolas paused, his one hand scratching behind his ear, and his other mere inches from the door. "Empty? How can it be empty? You must be joking." Twitch. "I spent a year filling up with those herbs. The plant itself is very far off, in a distant land. How could it be completely gone."

Another mouse was stepped on somewhere in the vicinity.

"I don't know, Elrond. Really, I don't. Maybe I was looking in the wrong place."

Elrond's eyes were wide and he stared out a nearby window. "Gone. How? So many months.........years.........gone.........." His gaze settled on Legolas. "You........"

Legolas started moving immediately, his itching problem completely forgotten. He quickly pulled himself through the doorway, and started making his way down the hall. Glorfindel was close behind the prince of Mirkwood, and quickly outdistanced him.

The elder elf did not even consider the prince's fate. The only thing he considered at the moment was getting a horse, and getting out of Rivendell as fast as he could. Anything was safer than this! MORDOR! Yes, he would go to Mordor. He would be safe there. Very safe. Elrond would never find him. No, never, ever, ever, ever..........

Once again, he was too caught up in his thoughts to realize something. This time, however, it was a bit more important. Like a wall, right in front of him. After all, all hallways must end at a point in time. Whether it is at a door or a simple dead end is all up to the builder. Of course, this particular hall ended quite solidly.

Elrond watched as Glorfindel acquainted himself with the wall. His lips twitched as the blonde elf lord sunk to the ground, and he almost laughed at Legolas' pathetic attempts to escape. Oh, they would pay. They would pay most dearly. They would never forget this. No.

A small chuckle passed through his lips, and he strolled down the hallway. Legolas wasn't going anywhere fast, and Glorfindel wouldn't be waking up anytime soon. No, he had free reign for the moment. Oh, they would both pay for the loss of his herbs. He didn't know why he was punishing Glorfindel, but he would think up a reason eventually........

Some people call it stress, others call it fun. But somewhere along the line, behind the elf lord's back, it had been dubbed something else. His sons might've come up with it, though many people believed it started long before any of them were around. So, instead of nicely saying "Elrond's stress" or "Elrond's exhaustion", everyone simply said "The Insanities of Lord Elrond."

~*~

The End

~*~

Not Really, But I Like Writing That

~*~

To my beautiful, patient, loving, outstanding, wonderful, reviewers:

xsilicax- Question. I wanna know where you came up with your name. I think it's cool ^_^. Anyway, I am really glad you enjoyed the last chapter. Too much wine? *giggles* I never have too much wine. I don't really like it. My mom says it's an acquired taste, and I believe her. The smell of it makes me nauseous. *wails* *hugs her poor warg* MY POOR JASON! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO HIM?! *sends her poor warg to therapy* He will never be the same! Aie! Scarred for life! So, soon as you post another chapter I promise more of this or maybe (in twenty million years), another chapter of INSIDE THE BEAST. This is more likely though. Many thanks for the review ^_^.

Karri- ^_^ It wont end until Legolas' revenge, don't you worry. In fact, there will be several chapters after that as well. I never expected this to become such a well loved fic! But hey, I never thought I would write LOTR either. Though it was the first category I ever posted in............... Ehehehehehe, don't worry; we just saw the part with Elrond's reaction. I mean, think about it, he has to be a bit insane for not disowning everyone and going to live as a hermit. Next chapter, we shall see what Legolas does! ^_^ Thanks for the review!

estelcontar- *cowers away from* Don't worry. I haven't forgotten it. In fact, I am working on it diligently. None of it is worth posting though. You wouldn't want to read the chapters I have come up with so far! I really do promise more. I'm getting new ideas all the time, and eventually, one will click! Many thanks for the review, and the laughter. My job is to make people smile.

Carrie: Dying of laughter?! O_O don't die! I need more of your story before you die! EEE! Well, ^_~ I am glad you liked it so much! It's always good to know that I'm making people happy. It was a rather strange chapter *giggles* but hey, it was fun to write it when my theology teacher thought I was taking notes! Keep on laughing! Mwahahahahahahahahahaha! See you online! Thanks for the review!

polgara-5- I aim to please! Mwahaha, I'm very glad you enjoyed it. Thanks a lot for the review!

shirebound- ^_^ It was a fun chapter. I'm glad it made your day better. After all, I write to please others because I find no distinct pleasure in it. Simply making people happy makes me happy. ^_^ Mwahahahaha. And torturing a certain elf and human makes me happy. Gosh, I need therapy. Anyway, ^_^ Thanks for the review!

Shauna- I'm sorry there wasn't any 'Ro and 'Dan in this chapter but I can promise more of them. *giggles* I can even give you a special hint. One of the chapters will be based around them eventually, though I do not know where or when! Mwahahaha, many thanks for the review.

HobbitsRFun- Yes, he was very composed wasn't he? LoL. Suppose he did have to lose it sometime or another. No one can stay perfectly calm forever. Especially poor Elrond. He really must have a stressful life with sons like those and with his sons' friends. I'm surprised he hasn't murdered them all and gone off over the sea. LoL. Well, I'm very glad you enjoyed it and I hope you enjoyed this chapter just as much! Post some more soon and I promise another update!

Zelda123- *blushes* I'm not that great. I simply have hit off on something people seem to like. Really, when I sitting in class writing it, I never thought people would find it so amusing. ^_^ Thank you very much for the review!

evil spapple pie- Okay, I'm going to pop the question on you too. Where did you get your name from? I love it! *giggles* I wanna know. Glorfindel will need a good psychiatrist and a LONG vacation at the end of this. Believe me! I have it all planned out. Actually, I adore picking on him. The poor guy. I can just imagine all the stress he had to go through as well. Why did he not untie Legolas? Who knows? I didn't really think of it. I suppose he didn't think of it either. After all, he was about to face death, was he not? LoL. The twins are fun! I adore them. I never really paid them much notice in the books but now I have an obsession. Poor Elrond already lost his mind a long time ago so I wont give him a vacation or therapy. No, he will simply have to put up with his sons until he departs over the sea! Well, I'll stop jabbering! Many thanks for the review!

Alilacia- *begs for forgiveness again* *wails* I can't believe I didn't review your fic, nin mellon. You have permission to hit me again *hands a wet noodle*. Yes, poor Elrond never relaxes. It really has been ages since he last did it, and it will be ages until he does it again! Yes, actually, I dunno exactly where that whole Romeo and Juliet thing came from. It must've been the dullness of Theology. I was so bored out of my mind that the idea suddenly popped into my head. That or perhaps the fact that we were doing lines from it in acting class. Who knows? LoL. I could imagine Aragorn running into them during one of the kissing scenes. Of course, that's only when they are drunk......... LoL. Legolas has lost his composure and is itching. Elrond is insane. The twins are drunk. Glorfindel is unconscious, and poor, old Aragorn is stuck in the middle. Yes, poor Estel is going to have a hell of a time with Legolas' revenge. Actually, my nin mellon Winky-wan came up with the idea for the revenge. You can thank her for that. Well, I am going to quit my jabbering. I want more of your story soon. I am hooked. As for the next chapter of this, Wednesday at the latest. I want to get it to my beta. I probably should've had this one beta'd as well. Oh well! Thanks for the review ^_^.

Katherine- Ah! Do not worry! Legolas will have his revenge! It is planned out and being written! *giggles* Thank you very much for the review! Glad you enjoyed the story!

Anita- Poor old Glor. We love him, don't we, but we must torture him. Mwahahahaha. There will be much Glorfindel torture and a lot of Legolas revenge, and even more twin madness. After all, it's not like they ate ALL the Menfil berries they collected. Oops, did I say that? No, you didn't hear that from me! Thanks so much for the review! POST MORE SOON! I am dying for the next chapter of your fic! My poor Faramir!

Kaeera- *thwaps on the head* CHEMISTRY?! THAT IS MORE IMPORTANT THAN MY STORY! DO YOU HEAR THAT! MORE IMPORTANT! AIE! What am I going to do with you? Ignoring your studies to read! Wow, sounds just like me. Orchestra too? Jeez! *sighs* Well, lol, I hope that the chapter stuck with you through out it all. I'm glad you liked it. Ah, hangovers, of course, hangovers are fun....... Well, I will have to remember that when I write my chapter. *giggles* ^_^ More of your story soon please! Thanks for the review!

Ciria- ^_____^ I'm so glad you are forgiving for my writers block! Hey, I've got this chapter written, and another one half written! Does that sound good? LoL. And I have a bunch of others planned out. Inside the Beast is just at a standstill! I WILL FINISH IT! Arwen had to be a wild child to openly defy her father and marry a human. LoL. But hey, that's what I think. I also want to kill her because it's my job to marry Estel............ Ideas? Marvelous? I would not call them marvelous ideas! Just general boredom. I probably should've been taking notes but frankly, I didn't care about what my Theology teacher was saying. You all are more important to me. I got the lowest grade I've ever gotten in her class *gasp*. However, it did not affect my grade, due to the fact, I only got seven points off, lol. Her tests are scarily simple. Anyway. The twins are drunk and people are irrational when they are drunk. This is coming from a person who has had little, to no contact with drunks but hey, I can speak from second hand experience! I'm sure 'Dan does know of the kissing the servant girl incident. After all, the twins are very close and Elrohir has to tell his twin everything. Have you ever been in a room with a bunch of people screaming all at the same time? It hurts your ears, especially if it echoes. Plus, I'm assuming since Aragorn fell a very long way that he has a bit of a headache! You never know. Why did the twins bind the prince? Out of pure maliciousness, and the fact that he was trying to kill their baby brother and scratching himself raw at the same time! ^__^ Well, this is a long response. Mostly ramble, but hey, you should be used to it! Thank you very much for the review and I promise more chapters of this. ItB will be out as soon as I can manage to produce a worthy chapter.

Sue- ^_^ More of this story, and a promise of chapters to come! Poor Glorfindel is going to suffer some more. Jeez, I should be doing my homework! I have a report due tomorrow and my mom is going to drag me to the gym soon. Darn. Oh well! My people are important to me! Gotta keep you guys happy! Thanks for the review! Sorry that I haven't posted in eras.

Rangishran- ^_^ Ah, you laughed. For this I am glad! Here is more and more too come. Hopefully funny, or perhaps not! Thanks for the review!

Nili- *creeps away from evil Balrog* Don't hurt me. See! More! I posted! I've been reviewing! I promise there will be more. I feel invigorated. The writers block is slowly fading! I promise. Poor Glor. I feel so bad for him. Actually, I don't but I like to sympathize. LoL. *runs from the crowd of evil elves and human* DON'T HURT ME! I'LL LOCK YOU ALL IN A ROOM WITH MY WARGS! Ah, Shakespeare! The greatest thing since sliced bread! But what, pray tell, was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Yeah, miscellaneous question. I'm sure you could write humor. After all, look at your reviews! They always make me laugh! But then again, you are great at angst! Mwahaha, I love your story! DON'T GIVE THEM THE CHAINSAW! DON'T! PLEASE! I DO NOT WISH TO DIE! *wails* *hides* Thanks for the review! *squeak*

Pheonixqueen- LoL. I'm glad you liked the last chapter so much. I enjoyed writing it! It gave me a break from my Theology teacher, the terror. LoL. Yes, poor Glor. He will never be the same. Legolas' revenge will come soon! I promise! Mwahaha, thanks for the review!

Elladan- The twins are a good source of humor it appears! I'm glad you enjoyed it! *g* Everyone seemed to get a good laugh out of this! I'm so happy! I was afraid everyone would think it was pure insanity and would come after me with pitchforks. Eep! *runs away* Now, I've given you all an idea! Thanks for the review!

tbiris- Um, well, Legolas was in the thorn bush and there was poison on the thorns. With me so far? Okay, so the twins come (they are drunk) and are looking for Estel. When they go down to get Estel, Elladan pushes Elrohir in, gets tangled in the rope and they both fall on the thorn bush. The floor underneath the thorn bush is weak and there is an underground river. Consequentially, they all fall into the river and get washed out into the lake or into another river. I didn't specify.......cause I wasn't sure. So, to keep Legolas from killing Estel, scratching himself raw, or doing anything rash, the twins tied him up. Get it? ^_^ I hope so. Thanks for the review! Sorry I confused you!

BlueberryPancakes- Glad you liked it, nin mellon! ^_^ Apparently it was a good source of laughter and hilarity for all! Thanks for the review!

Emmithar- :P EMMITHAR! WHERE IS YOUR STORY?! Hmm? *sniffles* Some soon I hope! I wanna know what happens! *sniffs* Well, I suppose good things are worth the wait, right? Go as fast as you can! I'm glad to know that you won't kill me. Everyone else is about to! I have been fighting off wargs and balrogs at school and clinging to Winky-wan's backpack, pleading with her. "Don't leave me like they did! Please." It's great for scaring people. Yeah, Cass and Sio are doing strange things to my mind. I actually didn't mind that my sempai was dragging me down the hallway, and people were staring as I was wailing for help. LoL. I have lost it for good this time. Yes, Elrond is traumatized for life and there is nothing we can do to help him *sighs* the poor guy. LoL. Actually, the whole 'love' thing was just a bit of humor at slash writers' expense. You see, I find the whole slash thing quite amusing most the time, because personally, I think it's ridiculous. So, making fun of slash was the point of it. But, true, it was meant to be brotherly love as well but could be taken either way. After all, Glor took it wrong. *giggles* Yeah, I'll get off that. I'm not making any sense. Though, for everyone's knowledge. I DO NOT WRITE SLASH AND NEVER WILL! YOU MAY TAKE THINGS AS SLASH IF YOU PLEASE BUT IT IS NOT MEANT THAT WAY! Sorry about that, just had to make it clear. Yes, Elrohir kissing a servant girl. *giggles* Mwahahahahaha. Well, there shall be more of this within a week. That I can promise. Just gotta get the next chapter through my beta! Mwahaha, thank you very much for the review. Sorry for all the pointless chatter.

Caroly- So, what did you think of Elrond's reaction? Odd? Probably. After all, he's such a calm and collected person. But, *g* everyone cracks. Thank you very much for the review! Thanks for reading my other stories as well!

marbienl- I am reading one of your stories. Actually, when I saw that you were an author I went to see if you wrote and you do!!! Mwahaha, I'm reading one of them and it is great. I wish to praise you! Very good! Hobbit writing style? AIE! No! I am not close to as good as Tolkien! LoL. Tolkien is the master! There will be several more chapters to this story! Promise it! We shall see what Legolas and Estel do! *hugs* Thanks for the review! I'm off to finish reading your story as soon as I post this!

Arianna Greenleaf- *scowls* Hey! YOU FINALLY REVIEWED! : P I sit and think that you don't want to read my fanfiction and yet here you are reading it behind my back! I am forever offended ^_~. Yeah, not really. Anyway, I suppose I would let you read this chapter before hand but since you are never online when I am, I cannot send it to you! This is really based off a lot of the stories we've come up with. Indirectly, but you get the point! Anyway, I'm off! Good bye dear friend! Tis good to know you are liking this! Stay away from poor Legolas. He doesn't need to be tortured toooooo much! *ducks as a blunt object is thrown at her* EEP!

More soon! Promise! I'm serious for once!

Next Chapter: "A Human's Weakness Is an Elf's Revenge"