Nao, I am not responsible for any destruction of your computer should you vent your frustration with it as to the slowness of this scene. This is a lead up, I repeat, a lead up to Raven and Thomas…getting it on.
Chapter 17: You like me for me?
Raven awoke slowly and looked at the ceiling, trying to gather up thoughts of the night before. He'd passed out soon after O'Connell left. His whole body hurt…
"Graargh."
"Yeah, I think she's ugly too."
Raven's ears pricked as the tones of his organoid Shadow and the curly haired lieutenant Thomas floated over him. He carefully sat up; a little embarrassed by the fact he wore no shirt. His fingers touched the wadding attached to his side and he stared at his left arm and how bruised it was…the long white scar…No it wasn't just a scar. Last night there had been huge shards of glass embedded into his body as he flung his arms up to protect his…
…Thomas…
…face as the windows shattered. He'd tried to get out of the way, but he'd been powerless, slipping into the lull of exhaustion from lack of blood. Shock had started to set in, and Thomas…dear Thomas…had tried to protect him. A small cry choked from the back of his throat. They were on opposite sides, yet, still…!
No, what am I thinking? He loves me? Not possible, nobody wants Raven. Maybe for a night or two, to bed with, but not forever. No one wants to protect the Raven because the Raven is alone…
Hurt by this, he bit his knuckle in an effort not to cry out with grief. The only time he had not been alone was hiding at Prozen's side. But he did not desire the love of a father right now, he wanted the love of a partner, and, without meaning to, he had fallen in love with Thomas. This wasn't physical desire; it was something else, a delight in listening to him, in watching him. His presence was a comfort; he was light when all was dark.
How could Fiona not love a man like him?
In fact, how could no one love a man like Thomas Shubaltz?
And how could anyone love Raven Prozen?
The revelation left him shivering. He looked around the little room, two beds and a dresser. The voice and growls were coming in from the next room, where there was a living area and a kitchenette. A grubby motel…
Raven felt like death. He wanted to die for real this time, so great was his despair. He hung his head and buried his face in his hands. How could anyone in their heart see him for what he was, and forgive him for the crimes he had committed? How?
There was a tap at the door. "Raven?"
His heart skipped a beat. "Thomas."
"I'm glad to see you're awake!" He smiled and offered a glass of water. "I had no idea that Shadow had such a great knowledge of soap operas. We've been watching TV since I got back from getting some supplies. I didn't know what you liked, but Shadow informed me you'd had enough of two-minute noodles. This was kind of a problem, because that's all I ever have time to eat."
Raven couldn't help but smile. "Yeah?" He asked, still looking down at the manky carpet beneath him.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have intruded." Thomas stuttered. "You don't need to hear my life story."
Raven's heart sank like a stone, and in his minds eye, he saw Thomas turn away, and desperately flailed for a way to bring him back. "Noodles. Noodles! Geez, when I was on the road, all I ever had was two-minute noodles. I know how it is." He took a breath and looked Thomas squarely in the eye. "And I'm pretty sure noodles aren't your life story."
"Raven! You…you're crying!"
"No I'm not…"
"You are! Does it hurt bad? Minister Prozen did the best he could…he was ever so good at it…" His warm hands touched Raven's cold shoulders and Raven let himself slump forward, with a sob. "I'm sure I picked up some Panadol and stuff…Please…Raven…?"
Raven shook his head, no; Panadol would not make the pain go away. He looked up again, his lavender eyes swimming in a sea of tears. "How can you just stand there? How can you look at me without some revulsion? I'm a murderer, man, get away from me!"
"Why?"
"I…I don't want you to get hurt!"
"Why?"
Just say it. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks of you, because according to the books, we're all going to die anyway. "Because…because you're so innocent and…I don't want you to get corrupted. I don't want you to get hurt."
"I…thank you." Replied Thomas, surprised.
"Why don't you hate me?" He asked finally. Shadow nosed into the room and made the odd squeaking noise he only ever made when he was happy. It was shortly followed by a 'narf'.
"I have no reasons to hate you, Raven. If you don't mind me saying, I like it when you're around. I don't suppose you'd notice, but I haven't stuttered once or messed anything up when you're with me."
"Huh?"
"I can't talk to people. I've always found it so easy to work with my machines and stuff, because they don't laugh at me when I screw up. You know?"
"Yeah. I know that feeling." Raven smiled, faintly.
"You do?"
"Yeah. Rhyss was a shocker for pointing out my mistakes to me. That woman wants everything to be perfect."
"She looks like someone who would do that." Thomas caught his gaze for a moment. "Are you sure you're okay? You went into shock after we were saved, and I was ever so worried." He knelt down in front of Raven, smiling like a child. "You should have seen what happened next! The minister woke up, and, and came down to the living area. He wasn't too happy about it, but when he saw what had happened to you, he was ever so worried. He said he couldn't loose you at all! He seemed very different. I think Ambient…restored his memories."
"He really said that about me?"
"Yeah! When Karl asked about it later on, when he was awake again and we were here, do you know what he said? He said the only reason he put you in Zoid battles was the fact he knew you needed freedom to do what you wanted…and even if he got worried he knew that you were really good at piloting, so he wasn't afraid that you'd get hurt and stuff. He said that when Van blew up your Zoid, it must have been the last straw for him, and he just gave up and let the Dark Kaiser take over."
"The Dark Kaiser…" Raven looked at his hands. "I…I feel so angry because I can't help him. I didn't help him when he needed me…"
Thomas patted his leg, gently, sending tingles up Raven's spine. "And what could you do? You were a child, what were you supposed to do? It's okay. And when you were older, you were concerned with the stuff going on." He paused for a moment. "May I ask a question? A rather odd one? You may know the answer, because you've been out in the world more than I have."
"Go ahead."
He licked his lips. "Is it wrong or strange for a man who once loved a woman to like a man now?"
"I don't know. Individual cases." Raven said softly. All he wanted was to curl up in Thomas' arms.
"Why do you hate everybody?"
"Because nobody loves me." Raven replied. "Everybody's scared of me."
"I'm not."
Thomas stood up. "I don't hate you. I'm not scared of you. Scared of what you
might do to other people, but these last few days have been quite
amazing for me."
"I'll admit that the pain is less when you're around." Raven replied. "I don't
want to hurt anyone. Because of what may have been."
"I don't understand…"
Raven shook his head. "Don't worry, Thomas."
"But I want to worry. I was so angry when they did what they did to you. They knew you were a fighter, so they took you out first. There were other windows and they didn't go through them. I actually hit someone. Don't look at me like that, I don't hurt anybody, even if they drive me up the wall. Van especially. Do you know how many times I've had to stop myself before I deck him one? He'd beat me of course."
"Oh, I don't know. I wish I had that kind of control…" Raven closed his eyes. "Why did you ask about the girl-guy-guy thing?"
"Because I think I'm falling in love with you."
Silence.
Raven's eyes widened and he looked Thomas square in the face. The blond blushed and looked away. "When I was trying to court Fiona, I…I had some help from MarieAnn, the royal consort."
"That pip-squeak?" The image of the snotty little brat in a pink dress and pigtails brought back pleasurable memories of his youth, when he'd been able to swat her like the annoying bug she was. He could to, seeing as Prozen was his 'father'. It had annoyed her parents no end, but he'd been able to knock her down a peg or two when she got too big for her little pink shoes. Of course, you could never go too far, or else…
"Yes. And she tried to help me win her over. But at last I put my foot down and told her that the right time to ask Fiona to…to go out with me…would be the time when I didn't care what her answer was. When I knew I had grown up enough to love and let go because that's how much I cared." Their eyes locked again. "And then I met you, and I realised why I'd been so scared and tongue tied. Fiona's beautiful, but that beauty has no soul. In my heart…I'm there. Old enough, now…and…that's why I'm not worried about what you think of me or anything else. I…yes, I love you."
Those three little words made something snap inside Raven's heart. "You…you do?" He asked hoarsely.
"Please don't laugh at me!"
"Laugh? Why would I laugh?" Raven began to shake with hysteria. "This week has been fucking fantastic. I unearth amazing conspiracies in the government, I find my dad…and now I have you proclaiming love to me."
"Uh oh, you're mad at me." The blond lieutenant muttered, looking down at his lap.
Raven leaned forward and gentle touched Thomas' face, and nose-to-nose, he let himself sink into the warm green depths of his eyes. "I could never be mad at you."
The kiss was light. Thomas jerked back in surprise, and Raven let go.
"Did I do something wrong?"
"No." Thomas blushed.
"Tell me if I do anything wrong. If I hurt you in any way. Please." Came the whisper.
"What are you planning?"
"What do you want me to do?" Raven countered, grinning.
Thomas looked down at his lap. "Uh…I don't…actually know…"
"I do. Get up here. I want someone to hold me, because right now I'm not at my best."
Hesitantly, Thomas sat beside him, and they kissed. It was a little clumsy, Raven felt, but then Thomas had probably never kissed anyone before, apart from the occasional chaste kiss to a parent or sibling, and of course, girl's hands. He couldn't stop himself. It wasn't the physical act of love he wanted; he just needed to be close to Thomas, to hear his heartbeat and the warmth and security of his arms around him.
Pushing him down onto the bed, Raven lay against his chest, nuzzling into chest. Thomas slid his arms around him and they lay there, silent for a moment, just enjoying it.
"I've been running from you since the day I met you." Thomas murmured. "I just didn't want to admit to myself that I liked a guy."
"Nothing wrong with it." Raven raised his head, his brow tightening slightly with pain of his wounds and a reminder. "I hope Gunther is okay."
"My brother will take care of him." Thomas replied, running his fingers through Raven's dark hair.
Raven submitted to the gentle caresses. That's what I'm worried about…
~ to be continued.
