Chapter One: Dying
Hollow.
She felt hollow.
There was nothing inside of her, only a colourless, featureless hole. It was void of space, void of time, void of dimensions or feeling. Because there is nothing and nothing is empty and empty is hollow.
You couldn't feel pain if you were hollow, for that she was thankful.
Perhaps this was what dying felt like. Maybe, hopefully, she was already dead. Maybe her life wasn't real and she wasn't real and nobody, nothing was true. That would make sense, life couldn't possibly be worse than this feeling. Or not feeling, in her case.
Then she opened her eyes and the brutality of life hit her and she decided maybe life actually was worse than being hollow.
Reality bites.
And with that thought she sat up in bed, swung her legs off the edge of the mattress and stood up.
She wasn't going to feel sorry for herself, she wasn't going to complain, and she wasn't going to think of Jacen. She would fight hard, she would do her job and she would continue this struggle to move on with her life.
She liked to avoid self-examination at the moment. That opened wounds and anyway, she had more important things to do.
Her grandmother had some notion that being Queen meant she had to marry, most likely a powerful, distinguished member of Hapan nobility, about as charming as a viper. Maybe someone else in her position would have succumbed to the will of the former queen, letting others sort out their direction because they no longer cared about anything, but Tenel Ka refused to sink that far into depression. Her grandmother wanted a lot of things of Tenel Ka; better attire, queenly manners, no military involvement in the war, and she wanted Tenel Ka dead. So, in spite and perhaps because of Fa'ael's ruthless ambition, Tenel Ka wore her lizard hide armor, spoke bluntly and to the point, contributed troops to the New Republic and strived to keep on living.
She exercised, showered, and slipped on a robe to enter the room she used for meals. A secretary came forward with a datapad so that Tenel Ka could see what her Queenly duties required of her for that day.
Donning her Dathomiri warrior attire, but with a golden tiara and dark violet cloak of the Royal House of Hapes, Tenel Ka braced herself for the day. She built up her mental and emotional barriers and reminded herself as she did everyday that she had a purpose and a reason to go on.
Tenel Ka had lost much as of late.
She refused to be a sore loser.
