AN: Hey people! Thanks for all the reviews, it makes me want to write more immediately! Um, right, so a few notes about this chapter… First, the flashback in the middle is supposed to take place behind the scenes in Star by Star, so a deep, humble bow to Troy Denning, the genuis! And, yes, it's very sad, but hey, these are sad circumstances, things will get happier. Eventually.
And without dragging it out anymore, here's the post!
Chapter Five: Misery
After seeing Tahiri safely to her room across the hall and two down from her own, Tenel Ka opened the door to her own silently. The glow panels came on and she slumped slightly because there was no one to see her, no one to care.
That, perhaps, her mind spoke up, Is the root of the problem.
Tenel Ka ignored her inner voice and slung off her violet cloak She moved through the catacombs of little rooms before her sleeping chamber, staying alert despite her weariness. It always paid to be on your toes.
She entered her room and let the cloak fall onto the bed. The material was thick and heavy, but she never noticed the weight until it was gone.
Instead of curling exhaustedly up on the bed like she usually did at the end of the day, she felt compelled to keep moving.
Unlatching the glass and metal work doors, Tenel Ka stepped out on the balcony adjoining her room. Lilies and magnificent blossoming plants crept along the walls and railing, filling the night air with their sweet perfume, while the stars and moons, now the complete three, filled the sky with a ethereal light. Nothing ever seemed solid at night, always more like the moonbeams that touched the earth. Everything was always so glowing, but at the same time dark, that depth perception and hard edges disappeared. Tenel Ka breathed deeply, trying to let the moist, warm air clothe her, protect her from herself.
Just let it flow, her voice spoke to her again, Set it free, make yourself live again.
She couldn't be living anymore. She'd hardly been able to think straight in the past few weeks, and in that time, she didn't remember feeling any emotion. Not until tonight when Tahiri had questioned her.
If she could, Tenel Ka considered, what would she feel?
Hate? Anger? A gradual lessening of pain?
Mostly, she would feel alone. Alone without a real connection to her father, without her mother, without her great-grandmother, and most of all, without Jacen. That future stretched before her, desolate and barren.
You feel barren now anyway, the voices chided, alone without anything to comfort you. Let the memories come.
Like a painkiller, being empty only numbed the pain. Could her shocked system be washed clean of the painkillers by release of emotion? Could she deal with it? Would she break down, never to be rebuilt?
Let them come…
The stars above were cool and distant, seen through the chill emptiness of space. Yet the cold of that vacuum mattered little to Tenel Ka, because she was warm and content, held tightly in Jacen's arms.
"So long," he whispered in her ear, "It's been so long."
"Forever," Tenel Ka assented gently, trying to keep herself from coming completely undone with relief and happiness.
They sat in a room on Eclipse, with one wall completely clear and open to view space. It was the only decoration the room had, but they weren't looking at it. They sat on a lumpy couch in the center of the room, embracing desperately. His face was buried in her russet hair, and she leaned her head on his shoulder. His arms clasped her to him in an unbreakable vice, and she nuzzled his neck affectionately with her nose.
"A year, maybe a year and half it's been. Kriff, I've lost track in this blasted war," Jacen said remorsefully.
"Too long. But do not dwell on it now Jacen," Tenel Ka spoke into his ear.
"Of course. What have you been doing anyway? I mean, I get your holo messages and updates from Uncle Luke, but I have no clue how everything has been affecting you," Jacen said, concerned.
"Well, the losses at Centerpoint put a great deal of animosity towards my mother and I. The Rodian, Jovan Drak, and I were given a variety of assignments from Master Skywalker. Since the battle of Duro and your encounter with Tsavong Lah, we were trying to rescue Jedi in need of help," Tenel Ka explained.
Jacen sighed. "It seems like everyone in the galaxy is always out to get us. I mean, there was the great purge before Uncle Luke's time, then all the trouble Palpantine went to in trying to turn Uncle Luke, and then the negative attitude towards us in the Senate…It seems so stupid."
Tenel Ka nodded.
"Some Peace Brigaders in the Corporate Sector went after Drak and I. I was imprisioned for three days before…" Tenel Ka stopped immediately, regretting the confession. Jacen's body was suddenly tense and she felt his muscles flex instinctively. If there was one thing Jacen was fiercely protective of, besides Jaina of course, it was her.
Even with the new philosophies he was testing, she knew that the passiveness would have evaporated in a second and he'd have blown the Peace Brigaders apart if he'd been there.
"Jacen," she said warningly.
He relaxed, letting a tense breath go and she could feel him seeking calm again.
"You're right. Even with this voxyn mission coming up, what matters is that you're here right now," Jacen said softly.
"With you," Tenel Ka added, turning her head to meet his waiting lips.
It was the first time he'd kissed her in a year and a half and it felt like he'd been waiting a decade. Lips, teeth, and tongues met in a cataclysmic reaction, destroying all thought of anything but the present. When they finally broke apart, he continued to kiss her face and neck, slowly, deliberately, as if savouring their short amount of time.
For indeed, their time was short together.
A long, blood-curdling scream erupted from her throat as Tenel Ka collapsed to her knees. Sweat and tears poured from her as the scream faded into a helpless whimper. Her eyes were closed and her hands her closed so tight in fists that her nails cut into the skin and blood trickled through her fingers. Physical suffering could not compare, it was a ghost, a jester, a fraud compared to the agony inside of her.
Her forehead rested against the cool, smooth stone and she breathed heavily, beginning to regain control. One breath, two, three, and her body started to recover from the memory that burned like hot mercury in her blood vessels. Four breaths, five and her rapidly beating heart, a heart that was so sorely torn and battered, began to slow itself from hyperdrive to sublight speed.
"Jacen, Jacen," she repeated in a hoarse whisper, "Why?"
Unanswered questions sit like cancer in the lymph nodes. They cannot be erased, but they can be ignored, until forgetting makes them less hurtful.
She climbed unsteadily to her feet and dragged herself back into the room. She flung herself onto the bed, not caring if she was still wearing her clothes. In a ball she curled herself, tightly and fiercely, determined to think no more that night.
She needed something to concentrate on, something to help her fall asleep. Slowly she began to recite Jedi Code over and over to herself, like a mother recites a lulla bye to soothe a child after nightmares.
There is no emotion; there is peace…
Oh how she wished that was true.
There is no ignorance; there is knowledge.
Ignorance could be bliss, and knowledge sure wasn't being any help.
There is no passion; there is serenity.
She'd broken in the Code in that area for sure.
There is no death; there is the Force.
Tenel Ka let out a small keening sound, protest at the words that no one could understand the depths of, aware that sometimes nothing could bring peace. She let her spirit sink into that empty place, allowed her conscious slip slowly into black waters.
* * *
Tahiri Veila sat up in bed, watching the moonlight stream through the window, contemplating the Force around her. She felt Tenel Ka's anguish and abruptly pulled her mind away.
Oh Tenel Ka, she said to herself, maybe the torment will end for us some day.
* * *
Thousands of light years away, Jacen Solo sat up abruptly in bed, gasping for air and perspiring profusely. The sheets covering his bare chest and legs were soaked with sweat. He reached out to his chrono, seeing it was only a few hours since he'd fallen asleep. Being satisfied that there was no immediate danger that had woken him up, he got up from bed and tried to concentrate on what the dream had been about. Had there even been a dream? Was it a vision? Wasn't there someone in pain?
He shook his head, trying to clear it enough to recall. There were nothing but fragments of feeling now, touching him like rain drops but fading rapidly. What was going on?
Eventually, he gave up, lying back down in bed. He fidgeted and took a few deep breaths, trying to get back to sleep. Soon, he felt, he would discover the source of that dream.
