Title: Forget Avril Lavigne!

Author: Autumn

E-mail: autumnleaves@autumnpenguins.com

Archive: Autumn's Penguin Emporium, DH, others please ask

Rating: R graphic, inappropriate language, carnage, necrophilia, and cruelty to animals

Summary: The weirdest Logan Returns fic ever written.

Disclaimer: I don't own Avril Lavigne or the X-Men.

Author's Notes: Flame me if you must, but this is a PARODY. I love X-Men Movie verse as much as the next Logan/Rogue fan, but I also love satire and parody, so don't take it too seriously.

WARNING: This fic contains some seriously demented content. Read at your own discretion. But its funny, if you're twisted ; )

***********************

It was a perfect day. The sun was bright and the grass was green upon the earth. The birds were singing and the frogs were croaking and the rabbits were being especially frolicsome. Nothing was wrong with the world because it was a very, very happy day! The Wolverine was coming home to roost, er live anyway. He'd been away for many years (2) and had sex 476,897,454,333,.2 times with 15,000 women, 7 transvestites and one sheep. The latter had been more of a necessity to get out of a deal with the Swedish mafia than out of any real interest in the sheep. Nevertheless Logan couldn't bear to be parted with Louis afterwards and the little lamb had traveled with him since then.

Logan had stolen Scott's bike once upon a time but it had been lost when Logan made a very, very poor bet in a cad game when he had a hand with a 2, a 3, a 4, a five, 5 a 5. He'd lost the bike and had been traveling on a scooter ever since with Louis running along beside him. The irony of the situation wasn't lost on him. But none of that happened anymore, he was coming home and that was all that mattered. He turned into the driveway, and parked the scooter carefully. He would have seen the gigantic banner that covered the entire front of the mansion that read WELCOME HOME LOGAN! WE KNEW YOU WERE COMING, AFTER ALL PSYCHICS LIVE HERE! but he tripped over the rope that tied Louis to the scooter.

Eventually the big bad, if slightly uncoordinated, and slightly bow- legged Wolverine managed to make his way into the mansion. When the door opened there was immediate silence. And then.... "Welcome home Logan!" Rogue shrieked on gangly legs that made her look like a half-retarded zebra when she ran.

"Yeah hi kid." Logan said, sparing the lovesick, slobbering teenager a second of his time before he looked for the real reason he had returned. A hush fell over the crowd; all that could be heard was the soft click of what were undoubtedly high heels. After ten minutes, Jean Grey appeared at the top of the stairwell. "Jean," Logan breathed. "Why are you wearing nine inch stilettos?"

"These are my sensible shoes," the telepath said, arching her eyebrow demurely.

Rogue couldn't take it. The looks, the utter sexual tension that hung between the air between the two, and the refusal of the man she loved with all of her heart. Rogue's lower lip trembled and her eyes filled with crocodile tears. She opened her mouth and let out a heart wrenching WAHHHHHHHH before falling to the floor and throwing a temper tantrum. Logan turned towards Rogue and considered her. "Quit yer bitchin.'" he said before licking his lips and giving Jean another steamy look. Logan walked back outside and returned quickly with the scooter and Louis in tow.

"Here Scooter, here's your scoot-bike." Logan said, thrusting the object into Scott's arms.

"That's not what it looked like when you left!" Scott said, hand on his hips; his actions caused him to drop the scooter directly onto his left foot.

This turned out to be most unfortunate as Scott screamed in pain and suddenly dove to the floor. His tongue shot out of his mouth in a dead on impression of Toad's and wrapped itself around Louis' hind leg. The baffled sheep was pulled towards the Fearless Leader in two shakes of a lamb's tail. Scott opened his mouth to reveal razor sharp teeth, which he promptly sunk into poor Louis' ass. Louis' squeal of pain brought Logan around, and with a pop of the claws, Logan lunged at Scott. His aim was true, and in less than a minute, the sheep violator was brought to justice. "A good sheep is hard to find," was Logan's post-slaughter comment.

"Honestly Logan, couldn't you at least have taken him outside to do that? We just had the floors buffed!" Jean sighed in exasperation.

"Calm down everybody, just calm down. Now, whose got body detail this time?" Charles Xavier asked nonchalantly.

"1, 2, 3 Not it!" Storm yelled.

"Not it!" Rogue clapped, her temper forgotten in the excitement of murder.

"Not it." Jean said calmly.

"Not it!" Logan said catching on.

"It!" Kitty said excitedly before anybody could claim the detail for themselves.

Kitty was absolutely brilliant, but a little bit nutty. She'd been obsessed with Scott Summers for months now, and even more determined to have her man. The way she saw it, this was the perfect opportunity. She'd read somewhere that when rigermortis set it, the corpse went stiff-all over.

The hall was quickly emptied. The kids went back to smoking pot and busying themselves to become juvenile delinquents. Kitty quickly grabbed a body bag from the main hall's supply closet and Rogue set her sights on stalking Logan. Now that Scott was out of the picture, and the possible yet unbelievable Jean/Scottl/Logan was no longer a factor, Rogue realized that getting Logan would be harder than she anticipated. But she had a plan. Well, she didn't really, but she soon would. Rogue realized that she would have to enlist the help of her best friend. Kitty always came up with the best plans that were zany, yet sensible. Rogue remembered that Kitty was on body detail, so she turned towards the back door to enter the cemetery that was on the grounds. At least in the privacy of the mansion grounds, nobody asked questions about the mysterious nature of many of the deaths.

Sure enough, she found Kitty, whom she expected to see with a shovel. Instead she caught an eyeful of well, something unspeakable. "Oh my God! Kiitty what are you doing?"

TBC....