Disclaimers, etc: see part 1
***
When
Neo woke up in a strangely small bed, his first thought was the Matrix was
rather girly. What was Morpheus thinking? It was so...bright and cheerful. And
what was this mop of hair on the end of the bed?
He pulled on it and discovered to his surprise that the wig was actually
someone's hair. The little person--actually, the guy was more of a midget--sat
up, blinked and let out a confused "Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!"
Neo, alarmed and confused by the midget let out an "Ahhhhhhhh!" of
his own. Which grew into a "AHHHHHHHHHH!" as the midget pounced on
the bed and began beating him into a bloody pulp.
When he managed to move away from the berserk dwarf, he tried a new strategy.
"Whoa, little dude..."
"Where's Mr. Frodo?" The burly midget exclaimed as he proceeded to
jump up and down on Neo's back.
"Mr. Who?"
Just then the door flung open and the midget stopped attacking him.
"Sam, what are you doing?"
Neo looked up at his new savior and sighed. Great, two more midgets. He was
beginning to feel like Snow White. Hopefully, these two weren't like Psycho who
was babbling on and on about some guy named Frodo.
The other midget who was stuffing his face with a variety of desserts moved
over to Neo. "Who are you?"
"I'm Thomas Anderson, but you can call me Neo....Have you seen
Morpheus?"
"No...and I don't think you've seen a hobbit by the name of Frodo Baggins,
have you?"
He liked this dwarf. He had a funny accent. "What's a hobbit?"
"Well, me and Merry, we're hobbits. And so is the crazy one, his name's
Sam."
"I'm not crazy, Mr. Frodo's gone!!!"
"Keep it together, Sam."
Neo shook his head and set about ignoring Merry and Sam and focusing his
attention on Pippin. "So hobbits are really short people--"
"With furry feet, see?"
Neo could plainly see that this was the case once the hobbit stuffed his fuzzy
foot in his face.
"....right."
The other midget, the one named Merry looked over at them from where he was
trying to calm down the one named Sam. "Maybe we should take him to see
Elrond?"
"Then we ought to finish off the food we stole from him first."
"Yes, that's probably wise."
Neo felt marginally better as Pippin handed him a crumpet.
***
By his third crumpet, Neo had reached the conclusion that he rather liked the
muppets....er, the hobbits. Peregrin 'Call me Pippin' Took and Meridoc 'Call me
Merry' Brandybuck were really fun. Though he did have to admit that Samwise
'Where's Mr. Frodo?' Gamgee was kind of a stuck in the mud.
Still, you had to feel sorry for a midget with a sexual identity crisis.
They went off looking for some Elf named Elrond after they gorged themselves.
Neo was really starting to like the Matrix. It was kinda like a real awesome
video game.
They burst into to some room where a private meeting was going on. He liked
that the muppets didn't seem to care about stuff like that. They seemed pretty
care-free.
The two men in the room didn't seem too cool though. Both looked like they were
wearing dresses and neither one of the looked like they would know where Morpheus
was. The old guy with the beard was the first to look at them.
"Fool of a Took! This is a private meeting!"
Pippin looked sheepishly at Merry who stammered a bit before getting the
message across. "It's just that Frodo's missing and this weird bloke named
Neo was sleeping in his bed. Neo's pretty nice though and..."
Merry continued talking but Neo didn't pay it much attention as he already knew
what had happened. Instead he looked over at the other man who has just turned
around and--
"Nooo!!! Run Muppets! It's Agent Smith!!!"
"...."
The others turned to look at him as he marched towards 'Agent Smith.'
"You thought you could fool me by dressing up like a woman and wearing a
wig? And those ears? Ha, you're not fooling anyone."
'Agent Smith' stared at him like he was a complete and absolute nutcase....and
so did everyone else.
"I'll show you guys! He's really Agent Smith!"
Neo rushed 'the Agent' and began trying to remove his fake ears and his wig.
They didn't come off and 'the Agent' seemed to be getting rather pissed off.
He looked up at the muppets who were all wincing in anticipation of something
dreadful. The old man looked torn between laughing and yelling at him.
'Agent Smith' growled rather fiercely and pulled away from Neo. "Now, I
don't know what ails you, but I will have you know that I am wearing a robe not
a dress and that these ears and my hair are permanently attached to my skull
which is now in a good deal of pain because of you!!!!"
Pippin giggled softly until Merry smacked him upside the head. Neo tried to
keep a straight face.
"....but...you look just like Agent Smith."
"Just tell us where Mr. Frodo is!" Sam begged.
The man who looked just like 'Agent Smith' if he had pointy ears and dressed in
women's clothing sighed and sank into his chair. "So now we are not only
missing the ring bearer but the ring as well?"
"No, I have the ring for safe-keeping," Pippin piped up.
"We're doomed."
Neo wondered if everyone in the Matrix was this odd.
***
"What do you mean Mr. Anderson is completely gone?"
Agent Jones and Brown looked a tad uncomfortable as Smith posed the question.
Jones cleared his throat and loosened his tie. "I'm not sure, but we
believe it is linked to this." He handed Smith a bag of green jellybeans.
"....."
"We're not sure what it all means, but these green jellybeans were all
that we found."
"Green jellybeans?"
"It's only a hypothesis, but we think that he must have disappeared
completely some time after eating some of these jellybeans."
"Do you two have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?"
Jones and Brown nodded.
Smith drummed his hands on his desk and stared at the jellybeans. Was this
Morpheus' idea of some sort of sick joke? He hated humans. He hated them
because of things like this. Only as human being would think this was remotely
funny. Well, he was not amused.
"Then there's only one solution, we go in after them."
Jones nodded though Brown seemed to have some slight reservations. Smith looked
over at him. "Yes, Brown?"
"Do we really have to eat green jellybeans? Couldn't we go get some grape
or maybe coconut-flavored ones? The green ones taste like grass."
"....Brown, I think that is the weirdest thing you have ever said."
***
tbc
