AN: Yeah! Remus' gets an introspective chapter! We finally get to know what is going through his warped little mind. (and it is warped, you can't live in perpetual terror of yourself and not be warped) I realized that I always gave Sirius time to brood, but that whenever the story was from Remus' POV too much was happening for you to really get what he was thinking. Oh, and I can't spell to save my life, if it weren't for spellcheck you probably wouldn't be able to make heads or tails of my writing. I'll go look up how to spell Gryffindor (again) and put it into the computer's dictionary. If you find anything else spelled wrong please tell me (and give me the proper spelling too). Thanks and sorry for the shoddy workmanship. That's what you get when you're averaging a chapter a day.
"I gave you the benefit
Of the doubt it's true
But keep in mind my darling
Not every saint is a fool
While you were looking the other way
While you had your eyes closed
While you were licking your lips
'Cause I was miserable
While you were selling your soul
While you were tearing a hole in me
I was taking control"
~ Control, Poe
'Oh gods, what have I done?' with every step of his running feet, that thought burned in the back of Remus' mind. But he knew the answer. He'd let go. He'd been so angry at Sirius, both for what had happened this morning and what he had tried to do just now, that he had let loose the wolf.
He turned into an empty classroom and sank to the floor, his head in his hands. And the thing that bothered him the most, that sickened him the most, was how much he had liked it all. The fighting, the kisses and, most frighteningly of all, the feeling of euphoria and power as he had held Sirius' throat in his jaws. He whimpered and shivered, trying desperately to force the tantalizing memory out of his mind.
He could not learn to like it. If he learned to like being the wolf, to like loosing control… he feared that he would become the monster people thought he was. But, gods, Sirius made it difficult. He licked his lips, tasting the salty tang the other boy's skin had left there.
He whimpered again and curled up on himself on the floor of the deserted classroom, hugging his legs to his chest and his head buried in his knees.
"What is wrong with me?" he asked the empty room. He was tired, so tired, and not just from the bone deep weariness that followed every full moon. His memories of his life before the bite were sketchy, but he remembered one thing very clearly: he had been happy. His parents hadn't cringed every time he was angry or frowned when he hurt himself and whimpered in pain instead of saying 'ouch.' His parents hadn't seen it as some sort of sign that the wolf was taking over if he wanted to spend all day out in the back yard.
But after that night, the last night he'd seen the full moon with human eyes, if he talked too loud, are even moved too quickly his parents would always ask if he needed to go to his room to calm down.
And being accepted to Hogwarts had only made it worse, if that were possible. Because he had gotten in, and Romulus, his quiet, shy, normal little brother, had not. They had been close, even through the lycanthropy, even when their parents had long ago stopped hiding the fact that they feared him. But not any more. Romulus had never shown signs of being able to use magic, but their parents had said it was always just a matter of time. But when the letter had arrived, they realized that time had run out, and that neither of their sons would live up to their expectations. There was very little promise for either a werewolf or a squib.
Romulus had stormed up to his room and hadn't said more that a few words to him since, and that had been over two years ago.
He had been outgoing and rambunctious once, but his antics had always been deemed malicious and had frightened his parent, so he'd quickly learned to be even quieter and more reserved that his shy little brother.
But lately those self-imposed restraints had started to chafe him. At first he'd ignored the taunts and pranks from those, in his own house and from the others, who mistook his quietness for weakness. But now that he thought about it, now that the Change had passed and it was getting easier for him to think clearly, he realized that sometime around last week his self-control had started to crack.
He couldn't keep stuffing all his emotions into the back corner of his mind, otherwise he'd lose control again like he had today. But maybe if he let go a little bit, in relatively harmless ways of course, it would make things more bearable.
Comforted by that thought, he didn't even realize it when he fell asleep.
Remus woke with a jolt and, after realizing where he was and why, looked at the clock on the back wall of the classroom. Its single hand had already left 'Supper' and was heading slowly toward 'Curfew.' Remus groaned. 'Great,' he thought, 'I've missed potions and dinner.' With a resigned sigh he stood up on cramped legs and made his way slowly back to Gryffindor tower.
It was strange, but as he had entered the common room things seemed too quiet. There was almost a sense of mourning in the air. He frowned and headed for the stairs up to his dorm, but before he got there a high, frightened voice called after him.
"I wouldn't go up there if I were you," it said. Remus turned around and glared at the speaker, Peter Pettigrew. He was about to tell his to shove off when he realized something strange. Peter was alone. It was rare to see him anywhere, even in their own common room, without Potter or Black. He usually followed the pair like an extra shadow.
"Why?"
"James and Sirius had a nasty roue at dinner and now they're both up there," he said pointing toward the stairs. "Do you know what they're fighting about?" he asked in a small voice, and Remus could almost bring himself to feel sorry for the other boy. He looked like his entire world was crumbling around his ears.
"No," he said as he started up the stairs again. "Sorry."
His sensitive ears hear the shouts long before he got to the door to their room.
"Listen you pea-brained git, I'm trying to help!" Remus blinked. He'd never heard James that angry before. 'Wow,' he thought. 'Sirius is pissing people off right and left today.'
"And, for the hundredth time, it's none of your god damn business!" Black replied, his shout even louder.
"You're my best friend, damn it! Of course it's my business!" This seemed to subdue Black a bit, because his reply wasn't nearly as loud.
"Just drop it, James. It's nothing, really."
"It's not 'nothing.' I want to know what on earth has been going on between you and Lupin to be make you act so strange lately." Remus' eye went wide. They were talking about him, but the only reason that Sirius' strange behavior could be related to him was… oh shit.
"James…" Sirius sounded as if he was about to spill all. And that would be a very bad thing. He opened the door to their room and stepped inside, closing it firmly behind him.
"As much as it pains me to say it," he said evenly. "I agree with Sirius. It's none of your business."
Both boys whipped around to stare at him. He was hoping the conversation would end there, but instead James seemed to become bolder now that both of them were in the room.
"What isn't my business? The fact that you're a werewolf?"
"You told him?!" he cried, looking accusingly at Sirius. He didn't know why but part of him had trusted that Sirius would keep his secret. But the other boy looked just as shocked as Remus felt.
"How did you…?" he said quietly. For a moment James looked infuriatingly smug.
"Neither of you noticed, but I was in here when you two had your little spat at lunch." An uncomfortable silence followed that statement. He looked between James and Sirius and was surprised to find that Sirius' face had turned an interesting shade of scarlet.
"How much did you see?" Sirius asked hesitantly.
"It was mostly what I heard. I only looked through the bed-curtains after I heard you hit the wall." James replied before turning to Remus. "What did he do to get you that pissed?" He looked at Sirius again and found him staring back, looking very worried.
"He kissed me," he said, shooting a glare at Sirius for extra effect. James gawked at him.
"What?!" He said, turning to Sirius. But Sirius was glaring at Remus, a look of outrage on his face.
"You little shit," he said before diving at him, fist raised. 'They both know,' a voice whispered in the back of his mind. 'You don't need to pretend to be human.' And in a split second Remus had crossed the room. He smirked as Sirius' fist hit the door and he swore violently. The other two boys stood staring at the place he'd been for several seconds. 'They probably think I apparated or something,' he thought.
"I'm over here," he said conversationally. He watched with equal parts amusement and guilt as they spun around to stare at him, the beginnings of fear creeping into their eyes.
"How did you do that?" James asked shakily.
"'Werewolves are many times faster and stronger than even the most athletic of wizards,'" he said, quoting one of the many books he'd read over the years. Suddenly all of the fight drained out of him and he walked over to his bed and sat down, putting his head in his hands.
"You guys can go down and tell the whole common room if you like, I won't stop you." He said, shoulders sagging in defeat. Neither boy even glanced toward the door.
"What happens if people find out?" James asked quietly.
"He gets expelled," Sirius said. James jumped and turned to look at him.
"How do you know that?" he asked.
"He told me so this morning."
'Dear god,' Remus thought. 'Was all that only this morning? It fells like it was ages ago.' James turned back to him with, was that a look of concern on his face?
"What happens to you if you get expelled?" he asked, sounding worried.
"Oh, I'll get disowned, kicked out, possibly sent to one of those 'werewolf camps' you read about in the Daily Prophet. You know, the ones that are surrounded by silver fences and they feed them low doses of Wolfsbane to keep them sick and docile." Remus said, his head down, staring at the floor.
"That …sounds horrible," Sirius said faintly. Remus didn't bother to look at him.
"So's turning into a slavering monster every month, you learn to live with it I guess." There was a long silence and Remus could feel their eyes burning holes into the top of his head.
"We won't tell anyone," James said in a voice he probably thought was soothing. Remus looked up and glared at him.
"Oh?" he asked sarcastically. "And what do you want in return?" James blinked at him, completely confused.
"I'm sorry," Sirius said suddenly, and Remus turned to stare at him. The other boy looked pail and drawn, his hands shaking. "I sort of thought - I don't know - like it was as if you'd found out that me and James had done some really bad prank that would have gotten us detention for a week of something." He said in a rush. "I didn't realize it would be that bad." He looked up and met Remus' gaze, and he was shocked to find a very familiar look in the other boy's eyes. They were haunted and glassy, as if he was remembering some particularly painful memory.
All three of them jumped as someone knocked loudly on the door.
"Have you guys killed each other?" asked a tiny voice from out in the hall.
"Peter," Sirius muttered, rubbing his temple and giving a longsuffering sigh. James shot him a look.
"No Peter, We're all fine," he answered.
"Oh, good. Can I come in?" he asked, sounding relived.
"We won't tell anyone. Not even him," James whispered, jerking his head toward the door. Remus looked at Sirius and he nodded in agreement.
"Thank you," he said just as quietly.
"Alright Peter, you can come in," Sirius called over his shoulder. He came in and looked all around the room with frightened little eyes, as if he expected to see blood splashed along the walls or a dead body on the floor. For some reason, Remus found this funny and he started to chuckle.
"Good night," he said, smiling at the three boys who looked at him as if he were a few sheep short of a flock. He lay down, still chucking, and pulled the curtains of his four-poster closed around him.
