AN: Elspeth, has anyone told you you're too perceptive for your own good. You've picked up on every single one of my hints and reasonings. It's not fair, you're supposed to be surprised! ^_~
This chapter wasn't supposed to exist, but chapter 12 got so long that I decided to cut it in half, the other half being chapter 14. So I needed to put a Remus chapter in and this is it. I did not know that this chapter was going to turn out this way. It got away from me somewhere around the point where Remus gets really parinoid about why Sirius says he likes him. Please don't kill me. It will work out in the end, I promise.
And two explanations: Whenever the wolf gets too close to the surface, Remus has pronoun trouble. And Remus' thoughts about Sirius have changed a bit over the past two months; puberty's a bitch isn't it?
"This wasn't supposed to happen
I was happy by myself
Accidentally you seduced me
…
This wasn't supposed to happen
I've been hit with your charms
How could you do this to me?"
~ This Wasn't Supposed To Happen, Bjork
'Argh! Why did I do that?!' Remus thought fiercely to himself as he stepped out of the fireplace and back into his own house. He probably would have continued berating himself but his thoughts were interrupted by a violent sneezing fit. He really did hate soot, and he was beginning to think he might be allergic to it. 'A werewolf with allergies, wonderful,' he thought sarcastically. Again his thoughts were interrupted, but this time by a peal of mocking laughter. He didn't even have to look to know who it was.
"Hello Romulus," he muttered through clenched teeth.
"Did you have a good time?" his twin asked him, but the tone was mocking, making it clear that Romulus hoped the opposite was true.
"Yes actually," Remus relied. 'Even if I did do something really stupid,' he added mentally. "Now if you'll excuse me," he said, picking up his purchases and heading down to his room.
He dumped his school things in an untidy pile and quickly changed out of his soot-covered cloths before collapsing on his bed and covering his face with his hands. 'Why, why, why, why…?' he thought over and over again. It had been an impulse, he hadn't really thought about it. When Sirius had leaned down and given him that oh-so-chaste kiss on the forehead, he'd felt bereft. He'd expected more and, too his own dismay, had wanted more. So he'd leaned back in and given Sirius a kiss of his own.
'I thought we were trying not to encourage him?' he thought to himself and them froze. 'I,' he stressed. "I though I was trying not to encourage him,' and something thrashed and growled in the back of his mind as he pushed it back into the dark corner it usually inhabited.
Why did Sirius have to do this to him! Remus' life would have been a lot less complicated if Sirius had just left him alone. 'And you'd still be very much alone…and lonely…' a part of him pointed out. He rolled over and shoved his face into the mattress, trying to shut out the world. Hadn't the fates punished him enough?
Wasn't it bad enough he was a werewolf, and his parents feared him, and his twin brother hated him, and that most people would want him dead if they knew what he was? But no…no… now the bully that had been the scourge of his life at Hogwarts, the one who used to make him cry into his pillow almost nightly that first year, now had a crush on him. And was beginning to seep into his thought even when Sirius wasn't actually there, and sometimes even into his dreams.
And Sirius wasn't really a bully, not anymore. But…memories began circling in his head. All the touches and whispers and looks that had only been for him. And that kiss, almost a year ago now. He still remembered how he tasted, how he smelled, how it felt to have Sirius hold him close.
Sometimes Remus thought that it was all some elaborate joke, that Sirius was still the jerk he remembered, and he was just messing with Remus' head. 'You actually thought I liked you? I'm not a fucking queer. I'm not a freak like you.' He could almost hear the words falling from Sirius' lips. Could almost see the sneer on his face, with James and Peter standing in the background laughing at him. But things were different now. It couldn't all be and act.
Remus rolled onto his side, and curled up into a ball. He really didn't want to think about that, it just made him depressed. He closed his eyes and forced himself to replay their goodbye in the Leaky Cauldron. The look on Sirius' face as he leaned down to kiss him. How scarred and hurt he'd been when Remus had done nothing but stare at him at first. And how utterly happy the other boy had looked when Remus had kissed him back. He licked his lips, trying to catch any trace of other boy that might still be on his lips. 'Mmm…we liked that a lot…'
Remus sat bolt upright as the thought registered. What was wrong with him today? It was a week and a half before the next full moon. Why was he thinking like that? A knot formed in his stomach as an idea wormed its way into him mind.
Remus had never read the chapters, in any of the over a dozen books on lycanthropy he own, about werewolf sexual behavior. Just thinking about it made him blush. He assumed that, since werewolves weren't human, they wouldn't be attracted to humans. That they shouldn't be attracted to humans. But he'd never actually read about it, just speculated. But it was pretty clear that he was attracted to humans, even if he shouldn't be. So he obviously didn't really know what was going on.
He went over to his overloaded bookshelf and searched until he found one of the relatively decent lycanthropy books. Meaning one that didn't say they should be killed on sight ever few pages. He sat back down on his bed and flipped the book open to the right chapter. And, with cheeks already turning pink, started to read.
His embarrassed blush soon disappeared, along with the rest of the color in his face, as he continued reading. And by the time he had read the entire chapter his face was chalk white and he was shaking so badly he could barley hold the book anymore. He got up and put the book back on its shelf and picked up another, going back to his bed and reading the appropriate chapter before repeating the process again. And again. He methodically went through every one of his books on lycanthropy and it was well past midnight before he was finished. He'd been hoping that that first book had been wrong. But the same information had been in every successive book.
~ There are many legends that the werewolf mates for life, but there has never been any conclusive data collected on the validity of this supposition. This idea probably stems from the fact that normal wolves do tend to keep the same mate, however … … And there are many reasons for a human never to engage in sexual relations with anyone suffering from lycanthropy. Not the least of which is the risk of receiving a bite from the werewolf, which is still infectious even in their human form. But most especially because it has been documented that often, if not always, the copulation results in madness, or even death, on the part of both the werewolf and the human…~
Remus stared at the cover of the last book he'd read for a long time. Finally he held it above his head and threw it at the wall, watching blankly as it broke down the spine to send pages scattering around his room. He laid down on his back and stared at the ceiling as it started to sink in. 'No one. Ever…'
'never…'
He curled up on himself and started to cry.
