AN: Ta-dah! Another chapter! I can't think of anything to say except thank you for reviewing!!!! (over 160, wow!) So just go and read. ^_^
"I tried to forget the drowning truth
Lashing inside my sea of youth
Life seemed a fair sacrifice for peace
I can't remember why
I chose to say goodbye
I'm terrified of what
I might have severed"
~ Wisdom, Delirium
The wolf sniffed at the thing it had caught. He knew it should be familiar. It smelled familiar and yet its scent drove the wolf mad. It made him want to claw and tear, but he couldn't. Not to this one, this one was special. But not for any reason the wolf could remember.
He wanted it to go back to being the bird. The bird had been fun. It had played with him. No one ever played with him, he was always alone in this place.
Maybe he should bite it, then it could be with him, then it could howl with him. He wouldn't have to be alone anymore.
'No!' the wolf growled as a part of his mind woke up from its moon induced slumber. 'Leave Sirius alone!'
Sirius...the wolf knew of Sirius, remembered Sirius, he was sweet and salty and held him in warm arms. But the wolf couldn't have him...why? It was because of the scent, that strange oder that made his hackles rise. If he bit, the scent would go away. And then he could have him?
The wolf raised its head and bared its teeth, ready to bite, just as the weakest rays of almost light made their way into the Shrieking Shack.
He threw back his head and howled. A howl that distorted and rippled with his body as the Change loosened its hold on his body. Tendons snapped and reattached, bones writhed like snakes pushing and pulling his body in every direction. His skin crawled, feeling as if it were being ripped from his flesh and his teeth and nails as they retracted like knives sliding into his body to become blunt and harmless again.
Muscles strained from the Change and keeping himself up finally gave out and Remus fell to the floor with a whimper. But the floor didn't feel nearly as hard and cold as it usually did. Remus shook his head, trying to clear it. It was like waking from a dream, but unlike sleep he was even more exhausted when he woke than when he'd gone under. It was too early for him to have to think, but there was something he had to remember, something had been wrong.
"You okay?" Remus would have jumped halfway to the ceiling in fright if he'd had the energy. All he could manage was a frightened yelp and to shakily push himself back up on his arms. He blinked in confusion for what was probably a whole minute before he realized he wasn't hallucinating and that Sirius really was there.
"No...not okay...Sirius what are you doing here?" he ground out through his raw throat.
"I...I guess I wanted to keep you company," the other boy said, smiling at him weakly. Remus frowned and shook his head.
"I could have killed you," Remus protested and whimpered as he felt his arms start to shake again with strain. He lowered himself back down, still not fully registering that Sirius was between him and the floor.
"What's wrong?" Sirius asked him softly. Remus closed his eyes and sighed as Sirius threaded his fingers threw Remus' hair, his other hand running over his back and his arm wrapped around Remus' waist.
"Tired," he murmured, shifting slightly to get more comfortable. Sirius didn't say anything, just held him, and Remus gratefully fell asleep in his arms.
He woke with a start several hours later feeling unusually warm and comfortable for having fallen asleep in the Shrieking Shack. Remus moved a hand, in preparation to scrub it across his eyes, but was met with warm skin under his palm that was not his own. He pulled back in fright and sat up, staring at the very groggy boy who had been asleep beneath him.
"What??!" he squeaked out. He couldn't manage a complete question, he was too upset and bewildered. Sirius looked up at him and yawned.
"Morning," he said, smiling slightly. Remus could feel his lips pull back from his teeth as he started to growl.
"What do you mean 'morning'?! What are you doing here?!" He yelled at Sirius. 'Why is he here? What happened? Why isn't he dead?' Remus thought frantically. He stared hard at Sirius, trying to rack his brain for what little it remembered of last night.
But all Sirius did was start back at him. His eyes drifted down Remus' body, Sirius' face turning bright red before locking gazes with Remus again. In that moment Remus suddenly realized that not only was he completely starkers, but he was sitting on Sirius' lap to boot. He turned crimson and made a mad dash for the shelf he kept his pajamas on during his Change. He dressed in a blur before turning back to Sirius and growling. 'Why can't he just leave me alone?!' It hurt to look at him, hurt to think about him. Because every time Remus did, he remembered that Sirius liked him, that he was attracted to him, and that there wasn't a way he could return those feelings that didn't endanger them both.
Remus tried to remember what had happened during the night. But it was all jumbled. He remembered the sight of Sirius beneath his paws as he'd prepared to bite him, to change him. He cast a glance at the other boy who was now sitting on the floor and smiling up at him sheepishly.
"What were you thinking?" Remus asked in a deceptively soft voice, turning to glare at him.
****
"Testing a theory," the way Sirius said it, so sure of himself, like there wasn't anything wrong with nearly getting yourself killed or turned into a monster, just made Remus more angry with him.
"What? You wanted to see for yourself that werewolves really did crave human flesh?" he asked bitterly.
"No. I wanted to see if werewolves really didn't attack other animals," Sirius said quietly, finally realizing that Remus was royally pissed at him. "Or wizards that had changed themselves into animals."
"Wha-?" Remus started to ask, but then a half-formed memory tugged at him. A bird, there had been a bird there last night. It had smelled familiar but hadn't held the scent, the smell of human, that usually drove him mad. Remus stared at Sirius in astonishment.
"That was you?" he asked, Sirius nodded. "But...but why?" Why would Sirius put himself in that much danger?
"You just always seem so alone. I thought...maybe if I showed you I could be with you...then maybe..." Sirius stood and walked towards him looking beseechingly into Remus' eyes. Begging him to understand. But he understood all too well.
"Sirius?" he tried to think of a protest; something that would make Sirius stay away from him, where he was safe. But the way the other boy was looking at him as he drew nearer made his breath catch in his throat and his body tremble.
"I thought, after what happened in Diagon Alley, that you might...but then you wouldn't even speak to me?" Sirius brought a hand up to cup his cheek. Remus leaned into the touch without thinking. So few people touched him, and no one else as gently and sweetly as Sirius did. He closed his eyes, reveling in the feel of cool fingers against the skin of his cheek and jaw. And when he felt a sweet brush of lips against his own he leaned into the gentle caress.
~ madness, of even death ~ the words bubbled up from the back of his mind, taunting him. Remus gasped and pushed Sirius away, backing up so quickly he stumbled. Sirius looked shocked and hurt before his face settled into a scowl.
"Damn it Remus! Would you make up your mind!" Sirius yelled. "One minute you're acting like you like me, the next you're acting like I'm contagious or something." Remus could tell Sirius regretted the words as soon as they had left his mouth. He tried to say something else but Remus held up a hand to stop him.
"You may not be, Sirius. But I am." Remus said in a strained voice. And without another word he grabbed Sirius' wrist and dragged him all the way back to Gryffindor tower.
It was still too early in the morning for anyone in the tower to be awake. But when Remus shoved open the door to their room, causing it to bang against the wall, both James and Peter were soon blinking groggily out from behind their red curtains.
"Sirius, where have you been?" James asked sleepily. But Remus turned and glared at him and he fell silent. He pushed Sirius to fall backwards onto his unused bed and after a moment's rummaging in his trunk Remus found what he was looking for. He shoved the book at Sirius and then stepped back and crossed his arms.
He saw James and Peter staring at them for a couple of seconds before James dragged himself out of bed, grabbed Peter on his way, and left to try and sleep in the common room.
"Read chapter 17." Remus said Sirius just frowned at him, not understanding at all.
"Remus what does this have to do with?" Remus growled and grabbed the book back from him. He didn't want to have to explain, to have to say out loud the words that he'd already memorized. He knew the passage by heart but he wouldn't say it aloud, it would make it too real. Too hopeless.
He found the passage and held it out to Sirius, pointing to where he should read. He found a perverse sort of reassurance when the other boy reacted the same way he had. Sirius' face went bright red when he first realized what it was he was reading, then pale white as the words sank in. Remus saw him mouth the word 'death' before Sirius looked up at him with wide pained eyes.
"You see Sirius," Remus said pleadingly. 'Please understand?' "Please...just leave me alone...for your own good." He looked down at him sadly, and gave a small gasp of fright when Sirius jumped up and enveloped him in a hug.
"Sirius," he hissed. What was he doing, this would only make things worse.
"We don't...I mean, that's not the only thing," Sirius stuttered out, his face turning red. But Remus cut him off before he could get to far in his ramblings.
"No Sirius. I couldn't take that. Pretending to be normal and knowing that I'm not? I can't do that, I'm sorry. I just can't." Sirius silenced him with a kiss. An amazing, will shattering, soul searing kiss. 'Damn it Sirius.' Remus thought weakly. Why couldn't the other boy just listen to him for once? But he couldn't pull away. Even though it hurt to know that this is all he'd be able to have, it still felt good to make him want to pull away.
When Sirius finally ended the kiss Remus whimpered slightly at the loss of that warmth. He felt Sirius rest his their foreheads together and his breath rushed over Remus' lips as he sighed sadly.
"Just friends…?" it was a quiet half question half statement. And Remus had to swallow the lump in his throat as he pulled away from Sirius and nodded.
"Yeah," he said quietly. Sirius stared at him for a long moment before replying.
"Alright," it wasn't, but there really wasn't anything either of them could do to change that.
