AN: I am so sorry it took so long to get this out. I had a sevear case of writer's block. Anyway, to all those who apperantly missed it there is a line (yes only one) right before where Remus tells Sirius to look at chapter 17 where it clearly says that James dragged Peter out of their dorm and down to the common room. So no, neither of the other Gryffindor boys hear or saw the extchange between them. But Peter is starting to catch a clue and realize he's missing something.
And no the info in the werewolf books isn't propoganda. At lest 90% of recorded cases do end in madness or death. (but it would be an nice way to go wouldn't it?) And there's a reason for that, you'll get to see why later. (when I up the rating to nc-17 ::grins evilly::)
"Narrow is the road
And to high a price to pay
Loneliness is such a sanctuary
Empty are the musing
And wasted are the tears
Ever since you said
You were only waiting"
~ Famous Last Words, Jars of Clay
"Just friends," Sirius muttered bitterly as he stalked down the hall to potions. Those two words had become almost an oath to him, a bitter, resentful, why-is-the-world-doing-this-to-me sort of oath. He thought it whenever Remus smiled at him. Whispered it to himself when he was alone and his thoughts started to stray towards haunted gold eyes and soft sweet lips. Repeated it like a mantra in the back of his mind whenever they were together. Or like today, growled it out to remind himself that when he went into the Potions classroom he couldn't do anything but give Remus a normal, friendly, platonic smile.
'I hate this!' he thought to himself as he entered the classroom. He could feel Remus' eyes on him the moment he entered the room. He couldn't not meet that beautiful, sad gold gazes. And the small not-quite-smile that quirked those sweet lips as he sat down next to Remus, made his heart clench painfully in his chest. Sirius was just about to open his mouth and try to say something, anything, when the door to the potions classroom banged open and two loud voices started echoing around the room.
"This is all your fault Snape!"
"How is it my fault, Potter? It's not like I bloody wanted this to happen!"
"Well maybe if you hadn't tried to make me look like such a sodding idiot I would have asked her out!"
"And why would I want you to be going out with her?"
"At least then she wouldn't be going out with a sixth year!"
Sirius traded a look with Remus. "Lily," they both said before rising from their seats in preparation to help James if he needed it. But the backup was unnecessary as James stalked away from Snape once they'd walked a few paces in the classroom and slouched down in the seat behind Sirius.
"You okay?" Sirius asked his best friend. James shook his head from where it lay barried in his folded arms on his desk, but didn't say anything.
As Sirius turned back to the front of the room his hand accidentally brushed Remus', causing both of them to look at each other, startled.
"Sorry," Sirius mumbled, unable to look away from Remus.
"It's okay," the other boy said, his eyes still locked with Sirius', both of them unable to look away. Sirius couldn't help but stare. The more he thought about it the more he realized that Remus fascinated him, and would always fascinate him. And in that moment he vowed that, even if they couldn't be together, he would learn everything there was to know about Remus Lupin. Neither of them were able to look away from each other. They didn't even notice until the professor took ten points from Gryffindor for their inattention.
They didn't dare look at each other through the entire class and it was starting to really grate on Sirius' nerves. He'd tried to convince himself that this awkwardness would pass and they would settle into the same sort of comfortable friendship that Sirius had with James and Peter.
But that wasn't happening. It was a month into the term and if anything his relationship with Remus was getting more strained and brittle by the day. And it probably didn't help that every time Remus looked at him with that sad smile that he'd been giving him ever since they decided to be 'just friends'. All he wanted to do was hold him close and kiss away all the shadows and fears that lurked behind those honey-colored eyes.
The class went by both too quickly and too slowly. Recently, being near Remus put him on edge even though he couldn't stand to be away from the other boy either. He was grateful when the class ended and James had grabbed his sleeve and hauled him out of the classroom.
"I'm assuming this is about Lily?" Sirius asked as James pulled him into an unused classroom. "Cause if it's not. Sorry mate but you're not my type." James didn't even react to the taunt as he started to pace around the room.
"I hate girls," James said suddenly stopping in mid pace to push his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose. "They make no sense! One minute I'm talking to Lily and then, bang, she's going out with the Hufflepuff seeker." James continued to rant.
"And this is Snape's fault because?" Sirius prompted, thoroughly bewildered.
"Every time I tried to talk to her he'd show up and start a fight with me!" James said in exasperation. "And he always made it seem like it was my fault!"
"And now she's going out with someone else, and a sixth year at that," Sirius said, trying to sound sympathetic.
"We have to do something to him," James said as he turned to grin humorlessly at Sirius. 'Ah, prank planning,' Sirius thought with glee. Any reason to make Snape's life hell was fine with him. But what could they do to the greasy git that they hadn't done before? A couple of ideas came quickly to mind, but to do them he'd have to show James the spells in the Ex Magus ad Bestia, so he might as well bring up his other idea as well.
"I think I may have an idea," Sirius said thoughtfully. "But I also need your help with something."
"Remus, right?" James asked knowingly. But his teasing smile fell as Sirius looked down at the floor and shook his head.
"Not...the way you're thinking but it does have to do with him," Sirius said quietly. "Come on," he said before leading James back to their dorm. Sirius immediately knelt down next to his bed and pulled out the book he'd wedged up against the underside of the mattress.
"This," Sirius said, holding up the book, "will help you get back at Snape. And hopefully we can use it to help Remus too."
"Help Remus with what?" James asked, trying to get a good look at the title.
"With his lycanthropy, specifically his transformations," Sirius said absently, flipping through the book till he came to the page he wanted. "Werewolves don't attack other animals, or even wizards who have changed themselves into animals. So I was thinking that we learn how to do this so that Remus doesn't have to be alone during the change any more." Sirius explained, holding the book out to James with it open to the chapter about animagi. James stared at the book for a moment before turning his wide eyes on his best friend.
"Sirius! This is illegal to do without expressed permission from the Ministry!" James cried in shock. "Do you realize what my dad would do to me if he found out I even considered doing something like this?"
"James, I'm going to do this. I have to do this. But I understand if you don't." Sirius said
"If this is just some scheme to impress Remus..." James started, frowning his disapproval. But Sirius cut him off.
"It's not! We're...just friends. It's not like that any more," he said. He crossed his arms and glared off into space.
"What do you mean? Why not?" James asked, trying to bring Sirius' attention back to the here and now.
"If we're...together, according to all those bloody books Remus reads, it could kill us both," Sirius explained, still glaring daggers at some unseen foe. James just stared at him, eyes wide behind his glasses.
They both jumped when the door opened and Peter came in. The smaller boy tried smiling at them but when he didn't get a response he began to fidget.
"Hi...um," he said hesitantly.
"Hello Peter," Sirius said, glaring at the other boy and baring his teeth. He really didn't want to have to include him in their discussion, he'd have to repeat everything about a hundred times.
"You've been spending way too much time with Remus," James said, shaking his head.
"Why do you say that?" Sirius asked defensively. 'What was wrong with being around Remus?'
"You growled at Peter," James said matter of factly.
"If Sirius is growling at people it's completely his own fault," said a voice from the doorway. The other three boys turned to look at Remus as he came into the room. "Sirius what is that?" Remus asked, pointing to the book.
"Nothing!" Sirius said hugging the book close to his chest. Which, unfortunately, gave the other boys a great view of its title. James gasped in surprise and Remus went very pale.
"Sirius, where did you get that book?" Remus asked him. He was about to respond when James interrupted him.
"That's a Dark Arts book!" James cried. Peter squeaked in shock and Sirius stared at him with wide eyes.
"What!?!" Sirius yelled in surprise. He was so distracted by James' comment that he didn't notice that Remus was sneaking up on him till the other boy had taken the book from him and had sat down on his bed, flipping pages rapidly. "Hey! What are you doing?" Sirius asked in surprise.
"This is one of only two series of books still in existence that depict the ritual for becoming an Alpha werewolf." Remus said absently, still flipping pages looking for the right chapter. But James wasn't listening to either of them, he turned to Sirius and started to fire questions at him.
"Weren't you listening when Professor McGonagall talked about that book? Do you realize what'll happen to you if a teacher found out you have something like that? Are you trying to get yourself expelled!?! What?" he broke off as Remus let out a whimper and the book dropped from his numb hand to the floor. Sirius was just about to yell at him to be careful when he saw the look on Remus' face. He was instantly at the other boy's side.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
"Werewolf pelts." Remus muttered cryptically a shiver wracking his whole body. "I think I'm going to be sick." Sirius looked from him to the book and shook his head.
"That's it, I'm not letting you read any more books, you always overreact," he'd meant it to sound joking, but his annoyance at their situation managed to seep into Remus.
"Overreact?" Remus said, looking hurt and insulted that Sirius thought so little of all his concerns. "Excuse me for being upset at the fact that for every time that spell is performed, a werewolf has to be skinned alive. Or for the fact that I'm trying to protect you. For finding out that my curse isolates me and makes me even more dangerous and abnormal that I had previously thought!"
"Remus?" Sirius tried to apologies, to explain, but Remus wouldn't listen.
"It would be a lot easier if you just hated me like before!" Remus shouted before turning to leave.
"But I never hated you." Sirius said quietly. But Remus didn't hear him, he'd already stormed out of the room. Sirius collapsed down on Remus' bed and put his head in his hands. 'Great,' he thought. 'I've screwed up yet again.' He looked back up to see Peter and James staring at him. Peter was frowning, as if he was trying to figure out a complicated puzzle, but James looked sympathetic.
James picked up the book from the floor as if it were going to bite him and gingerly flipped it open.
"Okay, where do we start?"
