AN: Hmm…I'll see if I can keep it rated R, but I can't see how at the moment. I will try though. This chapter is dedicated to Anon. Because I like being bugged to write more. Thanks! ^_^
"Without it I'm failing
My heart waits I the wings alone
The stages I go through keep coming
time and time and time again
…
You've taken your timing
So flawless executing me
So fearless and hopeful
Can you imagine such a scene?"
~ For the Ocean, Finger Eleven
'This is what you wanted, isn't it?' Remus thought to himself bitterly. He'd wanted to be left alone. He'd wanted Sirius to stop confusing him. And he'd gotten it.
Now the three boys he had started to think of as his friends barley spoke to him. And they always got nervous when he was alone with them. Remus figured it must have been a delayed reaction. It had finally sunk in that he was a Dark Creature. Sirius had probably told James and Peter what he'd seen on the first full moon of the term, and what Remus had shown him the morning after. It must have been enough to jar them into reality and stop treating him like a human being.
He made his way to the Library under the pretense of studying, but it was really to avoid seeing Sirius or the others for a few more hours. But unfortunately he had chosen a bad time to go to the library, because instead of avoiding his dormmates he'd managed to go right to them.
He was about to head back to the dorms but he couldn't help listening for just a moment to their conversation, to try and pretend he was still included just for a little bit.
"Remember, whatever you pick, you have to be able to transfigure into it." James said. Remus could barley see through bookshelf he was hiding behind both he and Peter were looking through large books with intent expressions on their faces. Peter looked up and made a face at James' bowed head.
"I know James," Peter replied, sounding as if this was about the hundredth time he'd been told that. "Why do you think I'm looking at small things? They're easier." He said grumpily.
"I don't see what's so hard about it," Sirius said, leaning back in his chair as the other two boys continued to look for? something in their respective books. James gave a derisive snort.
"Yeah, your choice was rather obvious," James said finally looking up at the other dark haired boy. "I'm still not sure he'll like it though. It might be a little too close for comfort." Remus frowned. He'd obviously missed a rather important piece of the conversation, because it wasn't making any sense to him at all.
"Oh please," Sirius said, rolling his eyes. "Moony needs someone to commiserate with. I'm sure he'll be thrilled." He said smugly. 'What?!?!' Remus thought in confusion. 'Thrilled about what? And what might be too close for comfort?' And if what they were talking about had to do with him, why didn't he know about it?
"If you think he'll be so happy about all this, why haven't you told him?" James asked, echoing Remus' own thoughts. The bespecled boy turned yet another page and he must have seen something he liked, because his whole face lit up in a smile. "I think I've got it: a stag." He said triumphantly. Sirius stared at the other boy for a moment before dissolving into laughter.
"That would be perfect! Those antler's would match that disaster you call hair!" he managed before starting to laugh again.
"Hey!" James cried indignantly. And finally Remus' curiosity got the better of him. He had to know what was going on. So with a deep breath, he walked around the bookcase he'd been hiding behind.
"Sirius is right, your hair is rather prongy, James. But what are you guys up to?" Remus asked, tried to make his voice neutral but was only marginally successful. They had been talking about him like he was still their friend, maybe there was another reason for them ignoring him. Or maybe it had all been in his head.
The three boys at the table jumped and stared at him in shock for several seconds before all talking at once.
"Well you see?" "That is?" "Damn it Moony, this was supposed to be a surprise! No fair eavesdropping!" Sirius, as usual, was the loudest and most verbose, and that must have been the only reason his voice seemed to stand out against the other boys to Remus' ears.
"Surprise?" he asked letting his confusion over the whole matter show on his face. They were doing something for him? And they wanted it to be a surprise? Remus suddenly felt very guilty about thinking that they had abandoned him.
"Well it's obvious it's not a surprise anymore, we might as well tell him." James said, looking pointedly at Sirius.
"Fine." the other boy sighed then looked up and smiled at Remus for what felt like, to Remus anyway, the first time in months. "But not here," Sirius said, gathering his things. Soon all four boys were heading back toward Gryffindor tower, none of them saying a word. And it was only a few minutes before they were in the relative privacy of their own dorm.
"We're going to become animagi." Sirius said without preamble once the door was closed. Remus stared at him for a while letting the words sink in and trying to figure out if Sirius was saying what he thought he was saying.
"What?!" he said finally, looking at the other three in bewilderment. "Isn't that illegal? I mean there's no way the Ministry would let you?" Remus trailed off, still confused. Where they really going to do this? And how was it supposed to be a surprise?
"Yeah, well?sort of?" Sirius muttered, looking down at the floor but when he didn't seem like he was going to say anything else Remus couldn't help but prod.
"Why?" Sirius looked up at him and gave him a sad smile.
"You didn't hurt yourself," he said. Apparently that was supposed to be an explanation, unfortunately Remus' usually quick mind just couldn't see a connection. Sirius must have seen the confusion on Remus' face because he started to explain in a bit more detail. "When I was with you during the full moon, you didn't hurt yourself at all. And as I think I told you before I used that as a test to see if you'd be okay with other animals around. Didn't want to try anything as permanent as the animagus spell if it wasn't going to be helpful for what I was trying to do." Sirius said and paused to take a deep breath. He stepped closer to Remus and put a hand on his shoulder, looking him strait in the eyes.
"I couldn't find a cure for lycanthropy, so I had to tried and figure out a way to make it better for you." Sirius said softly, his blue eyes never leaving Remus'. His mind whirled. They were doing this for him. They were going to try something so dangerous, just to help him during the Change. Remus had never thought that anyone would even think about doing anything to help him, let alone something so wonderful. He didn't think he'd ever been this happy before in his life and much to his embarrassment he burst into tears.
Sirius looked at him in shock for a moment before pulling the smaller boy into a hug. "Shh, Moony, it's okay." Remus let himself melt into Sirius' embrace all his pent up fears and emotions from the last few weeks finally getting the better of him.
"I thought you guys hated me!" he muttered against Sirius' shoulder. "You haven't talked to me for weeks." Sirius gently ran his hand through Remus' hair as he slowly calmed down.
"I'm sorry Moony. We got so caught up in the idea and keeping it a surprise that we didn't even realize we were leaving you out." Sirius said gently but he must have realized how closely he was holding Remus because he let go of him and took a step back. "I'm sorry." He said again, but for an entirely different reason.
"It's okay," Remus said quickly, looking at the ground. He had been so distracted by how good it felt to have Sirius' arms around him that it hadn't really registered that Sirius was holding him. And Peter was giving them a very strange look. "And why wouldn't I like your animagus form? That is what you guys were picking, isn't it?" He asked, trying to change the subject. Sirius immediately started to fidget.
"Yeah, umm?" Sirius said nervously. Apparently he wasn't as sure of Remus' reaction as he'd tried to make James and Peter believe.
"Remus, what's a good dog name?" James said suddenly, cutting Sirius off.
"Umm.. Padfoot? But why?" Remus asked, looking confused again. For some reason Sirius was glaring at James, who just smiled back at him serenely.
"You know James I think Moony had it right; 'Prongy' really is a good description of you, with all the prongs your hair sticks up into," Sirius bit out sarcastically.
"That's Mr. Prongs to you. Padfoot," James replied, causing Peter to snicker from where he'd been standing by the door. But why was James calling Sirius that? It was supposed to be a dog name?
"Wait, a dog?!" Remus asked in surprise. Sirius cringed.
"Yeah. Is that a bad thing?" The other boy asked, looking at Remus like he expected to be yelled at. Remus could see why James had said it might be to close for comfort. Another canine, some one to run with, someone to howl with, someone who understood? Remus suddenly found himself smiling.
"No not at all." He said, still smiling. He couldn't believe his friends were really going to do this. "But, do you even know how to do the spell? It's supposed to be very difficult." Remus said. Again trying to change the subject when it came too close to things he still didn't want to think about.
"Actually it's mostly brewing the potion that will be a problem, and the final transfiguration, the handful of charms should be easy." James said, sounding like he was trying to be reassuring but wasn't quite succeeding. "And the fact that the potion has to be made twelve different times, adding a different ingredient each time in a specific order." James said. But he didn't look worried, he was the potions expert in their year after all.
"It does?" Sirius asked. Remus and Peter looked at him in alarm and James covered his face with his hands.
"Honestly Sirius, it's your book, didn't you read through the whole process before deciding we should try it?" James asked in exasperation. Sirius just smiled at him. "The real trouble is getting the ingredients for the potion. Some of them are restricted and you have to get special permission just to buy them."
"I've told you," Sirius said in exasperation. "We can get all the stuff we need from Professor Jigger's personal stores, he's got everything." He made it sound like it was as easy as going down to the kitchens and getting food from the house-elves.
"But that's stealing!" Peter put in worriedly.
"And becoming an animagus is so much more legal," Sirius said sarcastically. "And besides, they're technically school supplies, we're just bypassing getting permission to use them." Remus frowned. If they were caught taking potions ingredients or sneaking out to make the potions or anything else they could get into real trouble. Maybe even be expelled.
"Maybe. I mean, if it's going to be so much trouble you really shouldn't do it. It's not worth it." he said quickly. It was a nice gesture, but... 'I'm not worth it…'
If it could help you, it'd be worth it to go to hell and back. Nicking some things from the potions cupboard is nothing," Sirius said, looking Remus straight in the eyes. For one very painful moment Remus wanted nothing more than to lean in and kiss him. And the realization that he couldn't, that they were and could ever be only friends, made him want to howl in despair.
James cleared his throat rather loudly, causing the other three boys to look at him.
"We're going to need a way to make sure no one will catch us," He said in an obvious attempt to get them back on topic. They stood and thought for a few moments before Sirius got an idea.
"Oh! Moony, can I see your Grimorie for a minute?" Remus nodded and pulled it out of his school bag. Sirius leafed through it for a moment before finding what he wanted. "Ah-ha! What about this?" Sirius said, shoving the book right under James nose. The bespecled boy pulled back enough to actually read it.
"A map?" he said dubiously, but read through the spell anyway. Once he had looked it over he looked back up at Sirius and gave him a conspiratorial grim before turning to all three of them. "This just might work. Anybody know where to get the floor plans for the whole castle?"
