Author's notes:
Gomen. Late update again. Usual crap in life. Will spare you the details. Warui na. *bows*
I would like to give extra thanks to those who reviewed the last chapter despite the fact that it was updated so late. You guys keep me going:
Rika-neechan, Jin, Lola-chan, Marty, Kami-chan, Isa-chan, chibi koneko, lise, whisper-chan, Eeyore, Ash, sara-chan, Keeshe, Moonraven, la blue kitty, Carter, siberian, CherubKatan, Shavica, hoshii, Cece, lupin, Midori, anamie, Rai-chan, Random Rasberries (sorry this was not in time for X'mas), and Rurouni Valerie.
Also, thank you to the wonderful reviewers of Wait for Me: Rika-neechan, Kami-chan, Ku-chan, Astralkitten, Carter, chibi koneko, Marty, ember-fang, lupin, lise, Jin, Cameron, Neo Onie, Keeshe, Isa-chan, Fuyukaze-Yuki, Lola-chan, Whisper-chan, siberian, Moonraven, and last but definitely not least, Windy McDohl (Arigatou na no da!)
Don't own the guys. If I did, would just lock Ken and Ran up in a cupboard with a spy-hole and watch them all day. Would definitely never have time to write if that happens. And if I did own the guys, they would never be OOC.
Hope you still like where this fic is going. *prays like hell*
White
Chapter Twelve - The End in the Beginning
---------------------------------------------------------
'blah blah' = thoughts
****** here means change of POV
---------------------------------------------------------
It seemed a lifetime.
The front of the flower shop still looked the same, minus the usual chattering and giggling crowd. Blossoms of varying breeds called out cheerily to the passers-by on the streets from within the glass confines of the Koneko.
So pretty….
The sight was such a tease though. The flowers could only be looked at and not touched. The shop shutters were down after all. It was too early in the day.
So near and yet so far.
To a pair of chocolate eyes studying the exterior, everything was so familiar. Then why did he feel like he had to re-calibrate his senses to his surroundings? Had he been gone that long?
He shivered. It was chilly, standing outside on the sidewalk in the cool winter's breeze. He drew his coat tighter around himself, eyes still locked on what was before him.
He jolted slightly as an arm was slung around his shoulders, but soon relaxed. He knew who it was. The arm was a comfortable weight, an additional source of external warmth.
Turning to his side, soulful brown eyes looked up at a teasing smile, and a pair of equally teasing yet concerned green eyes.
"I dunno about you Kenken, but my butt's gonna fall off if we stand out here any longer." A warm breath near his ear. "We wouldn't want that now would we?"
The arm tightened, bringing him closer to a snug body. "Come on, let's go in shall we?"
Hollow eyes once more turned to the shop. The last time he had let himself out was on that night, that night that he…
Eyes clenched shut and teeth gritted, body tensing as he forcefully put a brake on his thoughts, barely aware of the comforting gesture meaningfully given as fingers gave a squeeze to his slim shoulder. Why wouldn't the memories leave him alone? He knew what would happen if he allowed the floodgates to open. He knew from the countless times before.
They would come….those memories that would remind him that he was what he didn't want to be.
A voice cut through his thoughts, effectively dispelling them.
"Ken."
Another body tensing. Not his this time, but the one holding him. He looked up somewhat confusedly only to see cold green eyes focused unwaveringly to his side. He turned to meet the target of that hostile glare.
Brown clashed with violet, and the whole world seemed to stop spinning for a few seconds.
Those eyes…ones that he was familiar with, yet he didn't know them. There was something in them that he didn't recognize. There was something in the way they were looking at him, ever since he had woken up in the presence of his teammates in that dreaded hospital room. They were what had drawn his attention most that day, despite the enthusiastic physical embraces given by Yohji, and the excited chattering by Omi.
The silent looks given to him were the loudest exclamations of all.
They made him remember that strange kiss that night which he had tried to rub away. They made him remember things he wanted to put away for good. And so he had avoided them after that one look, that one long glance. He had avoided them, though they were given to him every single day.
Now he was unwittingly looking into those eyes again. Tiredly, he turned away.
"Ken." The owner of those disconcerting eyes spoke once more. "It's too cold out here for you."
That soft voice…why was it affecting him so? Not all pleasant, the emotions it brought. All unwanted, those emotions.
He was grateful for the hands that clutched his shoulders and turned him fully away from the source of discomfort. Opening his eyes, he once more looked into searching green. That serious, contemplative look was seldom seen on his teammate's face, and he found himself unintentionally studying it, trying to understand it. He didn't have long though, before the usual smirk broke forth.
"Come on Kenken. I'll make you your favourite hot-chocolate, topped with the famous Kudou whipped cream and all." All these said with a sultry tone and a wink of one jade eye.
He couldn't help the slight smile that tugged his lips at the pun. The joke was welcomed, tasteless as it was. It helped lighten his mood.
He turned to go, heading towards the alley that would lead him to the back of the shop. A hand on his arm stopped him. Questioningly, he glanced back at his blonde teammate.
"Not that way."
The hand released him and Yohji stepped forward to raise the shutters of the Koneko.
"Yohji." He tried to stop him. His voice was a croak. No wonder. He rarely spoke anymore.
"I know Ken." The blonde did not stop in his actions nor turned around. "It'll be easier to enter through the back but you're going in through the front even if I have to carry you across the threshold."
One last heave to the shutters, then a bell jingling as the main door was pushed open invitingly. A grin as his teammate finally turned to face him.
"It's a ritual Ken, after all the bad things you've been through." Yohji laughed and raked a hand through his tousled locks. "I know you're supposed to step over burning joss paper and all that but hey, in all the excitement of your coming home I forgot okay? So just make do!*"
Emeralds softened as the blonde then looked him straight in the eye and said gently. "It's a ritual Ken. Symbolizing a new beginning."
He could only stand there and stare, dark eyes wide, as the words rang in his ears.
'A new beginning…'
Could he have one? Could he really put everything behind him?
So lost was he in his thoughts that he didn't hear his teammate heave a dramatic sigh and come to stand in front of him. He was jerked out of his daze as he felt hands on his shoulders, and he looked up to see Yohji's face right in front of him.
"So are you going in or not? Or do I really have to carry you across the threshold?" The last was said with a suggestive leer.
He locked eyes with his friend and saw the invitation there. This was his cue. This was where he was supposed to leap in with his usual comeback and engage in a friendly banter like they used to. He wanted to do it. He opened his mouth. But…nothing came.
Too tired. Not enough willpower to combat against the heaviness in his heart. He thought he saw a flash of disappointment in those eyes. But it was gone, too quickly masked. Feeling even more weary than before, he let his head drop.
'Gomen…'
A chuckle. A ruffling of his hair. Gestures to signify that all was good. That all would be good. Yohji straightened and moved to stand beside him. "Go on Kenken."
He didn't know why. He had this sudden urge to turn around and seek out the owner of those violet eyes. The redhead was standing silently behind him, that he knew. But it was an urge he would not allow himself to give in to. Not anymore.
Hesitatingly, he took a step forward. Then another. And another…
"Ken…"
He stopped and his breath caught as Aya's deep voice rang out softly. Was there a hint of a plea? Why was he waiting? What did Aya want?
He didn't turn around. And nothing came after that. No more words. Just an awkward tension that escalated, most of which was emanating from the blonde standing beside him.
He heard Yohji let out a deep breath before he felt the hand resting on the small of his back. A nudge forward, and he took one more step.
He should go on. The warmth of the Koneko was calling to him. There was nothing left for him but to go forward anyway.
And so he did, steps heavy, heart heavy, hope and an inexplicable fear warring within him all the way…
Would everything be okay once he went through that door? Would he be able to push the past away?
*******
He watched him go. Heart clenching, he could only stand there and watch him go, with Yohji hovering at his side.
He did not know why he had called out to him. After all, it was not good for Ken to stay out in the cold. The brunette was still too weak.
But he was afraid. There was a nagging feeling, an irrational fear yelling out to him that if he let Ken walk through that door without doing something, he would lose him. He would lose Ken.
But what was that something? What? He didn't know. He didn't have a clue.
Even if he did, would he be able to do it? Yohji was always there. And Ken…Ken would not look at him…
He could only watch as the brunette approached the shop. And then, of their own accord, his feet determinedly followed.
There was only one thing he was sure of. He would not let Ken go far away from him. He would not let Ken leave him behind.
The first thing he did upon entering the Koneko was to grit his teeth. Yohji was standing too close to Ken. Again. Granted he was helping the brunette shrug out of his coat, but it was still too close for comfort.
The blonde moved away soon enough though, yelling at Omi that Ken was back. And he found his gaze drawn to the one in his thoughts, taking in his unsure stance as he surveyed the interior of the shop.
He watched as Ken hugged himself, wrapping thin arms around his lithe body. He watched as he shivered. It was warm in here. Was Ken still cold?
He wanted to warm him. He wanted to hold the brunette tight again, like he did those many nights ago. This time, he would hold on so tight and never let go.
Would he ever have the chance again?
It seemed as if Kami-sama had heard his wish, for at that very moment, who should come streaking out of the kitchen but a blonde cannonball, shouting the brunette's name. And the blonde cannonball chose to barrel right into Ken, throwing arms around him, at the same time throwing him off balance.
Ken gasped and stumbled backwards awkwardly, arms flailing. He immediately took one step forward. And then he had the brunette right where he wanted him to be. Right in his arms.
"Ken-kun! Gomen nasai!" said a mortified Omi, blue eyes wide as saucers as he watched Ken catch his breath, chest heaving.
"Omittchi! You're not supposed to upstage Kenken in his entrance you know." Yohji hauled the stricken boy away from the brunette, adding in a whisper, "What did you do that for? He's still weak!"
"I was just too excited Yohji-kun," the small boy answered guiltily, darting glances at the pair standing just inside the door. The pair that was oblivious to him, one too stunned, the other too caught up in the embrace.
He knew the moment wouldn't last. He knew it. But as he felt the brunette's back pressed up against his chest, he couldn't help tightening his hold, wanting to prolong the contact.
He could feel Ken relaxing slightly, the brunette's dazed mind probably not comprehending as yet who was holding him. His chest tightened as he inhaled the familiar musky scent that was uniquely Ken, felt the familiar planes of the warm, toned body. He missed this. He missed this so much.
And then he made a wrong move. He leaned in closer to the brunette's ear, and whispered softly, longingly…
"Ken…"
The man in his arm tensed immediately and he almost cried out in protest. He almost resisted as Ken pulled off his hands and took hurried, shaky steps away from him. He almost wanted to go up to Yohji and punch his face in as the blonde gave him a frosty glare.
He almost caved in under the feeling of loss.
And he almost followed again as Ken was guided into the kitchen by the two blondes, the smaller one apologizing profusely all the way.
Almost. But he didn't.
He couldn't. Not when he couldn't see straight. Not when he couldn't move his feet.
They were trembling too much.
******
Closing the door to his room, he leaned his tired body against it, basking in the solitude of his dark haven.
Finally, he was alone.
The day had barely started, but already, it had been too much for him to handle. Too much.
Pushing himself away from the door, he stumbled the few steps to his bed before collapsing on it in relief. He had excused himself from the kitchen shortly after he was dragged in. He had escaped from the concern of his two friends, but not before pressing the point that he would be fine when left alone. And not before downing that famous Kudou hot chocolate, and the chicken soup Omi had painstakingly whipped up.
He felt like throwing up.
It was overwhelming, the attention. He had no strength to handle that. Whatever strength he had left after leaving the hospital had been sapped dry by that encounter with Aya.
Aya…
He could still feel him. He could still feel the arms around him, the warmth and scent of the redhead surrounding him as he possessively held him in an embrace.
He could still feel the breath tickling his ear as the redhead so tenderly whispered his name.
It was something he had longed for for so long. And yet, all it brought was pain. So much pain.
Why? Why wouldn't the pain go away?
Burying his face in his pillow, he cursed as he felt the stinging in his eyes. No. No more. This had to stop. He couldn't go on like this. He didn't know how to go on like this.
What was it that Yohji had said? A new beginning. That was what he wanted wasn't it? That was what he needed.
Taking in a deep breath, he resolutely sat up. Tired eyes took in the room. Too many memories here. All unwanted.
The gaze turned to the sheets he was unconsciously clenching. These sheets…he remembered… they were the ones that he and Aya had… on the third night that Aya…
A surge of anger and frustration fueled him to stand and the next thing he knew, he was violently stripping the sheets off the bed. Then came the pillowcases, the quilt cover…
Once started, he couldn't stop. He lunged towards the cupboards, yanking them open, frantically pulling out every single bedspread that had participated in those nightly joinings…
One fell to the floor, then one more…and one more…
Next were the drawers, the boxers he remembered wearing on those nights savagely pulled out and thrown roughly to join the pile…
Were there any more?
Once, twice, thrice, he went through everything again, a sense of desperation lending him energy…
Were those all? Were those all?
Then finally, chest heaving, breath short, he sank to the floor, the activities taking their toll on his fragile body. He was aching. Everything hurt. But yet, he was oddly calm. And for a while, he just sat there, mind numb, eyes staring at nothing.
As his breaths evened out, his gaze finally rested on the pile of cloths on the floor. They stared back at him silently, waiting for his judgement. They didn't have to wait long.
They would have to go.
He needed to be able to move forward, and they were dragging him back, dragging him into that dark place he didn't ever want to be anymore.
He needed to start anew, and so he would have to determinedly cast away all the nightmares, all the doubts, all the emotions he had once held dear. It shouldn't be that difficult, casting away those emotions. They were foolish after all, that much had already been proven to him.
And since they had to go, so would all that were linked to them…
Including that person…including him…
******
He stood outside the door, staring unwavering at it, longing for the presence that it hid.
He had tried to stay away, but he couldn't do it for long. He had found himself outside the brunette's door not long after Ken escaped into his room.
He didn't know how long he had kept this position, greedily lapping up the sounds from within, following the occupant's movements in his mind's eye…
The one he longed to see was behind that door. He missed him. He missed him so much.
It was so easy to resolve the situation. All he had to do was raise his hand and knock. But his limb felt heavy. It weighed a ton. He couldn't do it. He didn't know how.
There was so much he wanted to say, but he didn't know how to say them. Where was the eloquence which he had possessed those nights in that hospital room, when he could freely confess his wrongs, his fears, his hopes to the one who laid sleeping?
When he could freely confess his love?
It had been so easy then, to reach out and tenderly caress the person in front of him, to tenderly lay a kiss on those features he had grown so attached to. Yet now, the words wouldn't come.
Despite the determination he thought he had worked up, every single time, he found himself shying away. Shying away when all he wanted to do was get closer.
Ken was right there, just a door away….
So near and yet so far.
But did he expect otherwise? Did he expect things to be easy?
Slender fingers reached out to lightly touch the wooden barrier in front of him, turbulent eyes quieting and turning grave.
No. It wouldn't be easy. This morning was proof enough. How Ken avoided him all these days was proof enough.
That love which was once freely given, which he had taken for granted, he would have to work for it now. That he knew for sure.
If only the other question could be as easily answered…
'Tell me Ken…tell me what I should do…'
--------------------
to be continued
--------------------
* Okay. I don't really know whether this is really done in the Japanese culture, but eeeh, it's done in the Chinese one so I thought I would improvise. *shrugs* So just bear with me ne? Anyways, what happens is that if you have a spate of bad luck or end up in places like a hospital or jail or whatever place no sane person would want to go, when you return home, as a symbolic gesture, joss papers are burnt in this pan or whatever container and placed directly in front of the main door. And you step over it while muttering some prayers of some sort. The prayers are optional. And then some people follow up by having a bath with flower petals. Yeah. End of rambling. Doesn't matter whether you believe in it or not. Just take it as a symbolic thing ne?
Please leave me a note before you go? Sankyuu na!
