Title:  The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"

Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters.  And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki.  Ewww.

Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.

Rating: G.  Plain and simple.

Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.

Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews! They mean a lot to us.

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Sydney, in her most professional-looking outfit, heads toward the area where Irina is being held.

SYDNEY:        Hi, Fred, how are you today?

BILL:               My name's Bill, Agent Bristow!

SYDNEY:        Yeah, whatever.  I'm here to see the prisoner.

BILL:               Head on through.

Sydney passes through wave after wave of steel bar doors, all raising at different speeds, and in different directions.  The last one opens 3 quarters of the way up, and Sydney hits her head on it.

SYDNEY [holding the forehead]:          Ow!

BILL [shouting down the hall]:  Watch the last one, Agent Bristow; it sticks.

SYDNEY [sarcastically]:          Thanks.  [Under her breath] Putz.

BILL [under his breath]:            Call me "Fred," will you…Heh heh heh…

Weepy cello music plays as Sydney approaches the cell where Irina is being confined.

IRINA [meditating]:                  Hello, Clarise…

SYDNEY:        What?

IRINA [suddenly awake]:         Oh, sorry.  I was expecting someone else.

SYDNEY/IRINA [simultaneously]:       I'm/You're going on another mission.

They both stop at once and laugh.

SYDNEY:        Wow!  It's like we have the same brain!

IRINA [slurping like Hannibal Lecter]:  Yes…Brains…

SYDNEY [giving her a look]:   O…K…All SD-6 knows is that the Rambaldi Spoon I'm supposed to find is somewhere in France-

IRINA:             France?  Really?  France? [tucks hair]

SYDNEY:        Stop that! [tucks hair]

IRINA [tucking hair]:                Stop what?

SYDNEY [tucking hair]:           THAT!

IRINA [tucking hair again]:       WHAT?

SYDNEY [annoyed]:               Anyway, my plane leaves in 20 minutes, so I need intel now!

Weepy cello music drowns out everything Irina tries to say.

IRINA: Keep it down!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Must…Sleep…With…Miguel…

IRINA:             That's Passions, you moron!  I brought you back from the dead to play my cello music, not to spout some nonsense about some B-rated soap opera!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry…Brains now?

IRINA:             You didn't have them when you were alive, so you're not gonna get them now that you're dead!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry…

IRINA:             Now keep playing!  I like that song.

SYDNEY [waving hands at Irina]:        Hey! Intel!

IRINA:             Ah yes, sorry.  [Russian accent] The Spoon is hidden in a Bed and Breakfast [American accent] called "La Maison D'Etre…"

SYDNEY [very confused]:       Uh…Mom?  What's with your accent?

IRINA [Russian accent]:           Vat accent? [American accent] Oh, that. I can [Russian accent] turn it on and off [American] like a switch!

SYDNEY:        …Yeah…So, the "Maison D'Etre" is in…

IRINA:             Do you remember when you were six?

SYDNEY:        We're not having this conversation.

IRINA:             You asked me a question and I'm giving you an embarrassing anecdote as an answer.

SYDNEY [taps her foot]:         Make it quick.

IRINA:             Remember when you were six and you insisted on running naked through the sprinklers at the country club?

Zombie Haladki starts giggling.

IRINA [raising the back of her hand]:    Shut up or I'll let Jack know where you are!

ZOMBIE HALADKI:              Sorry! [holding himself and rocking] Jack bad!  Jack bad!  Should've taken the bus!

IRINA:             Keep playing! [Turns back to Sydney] As I was saying, uh…I forget!  So, in conclusion:  The Bed and Breakfast is in Marseilles, Sark is following you and will continue to do so.  Have fun, honey!

SYDNEY:        Thanks. [looks back, tucks her hair and walks off]

IRINA [pounding fist on glass]: Damn!

Zombie Haladki giggles.

IRINA:             Shut up!

MEANWHILE…

Jack is staring at the camera feed from Irina's cell.

JACK [playfully pinching fingers in front of computer screen over Irina's head]:  Squisha-head!  Squisha-head!...[menacingly] Ah ha!  At last Sydney is gone!  Now I can…Uhh…I can't think of anything intimidating.  I'll just go talk to her.

Jack heads down the hall, and passes a dessert cart.

JACK:             Ooh! Date square!