Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"
Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge
Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters. And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki. Ewww.
Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.
Rating: G. Plain and simple.
Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.
Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews! They mean a lot to us.
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Sydney, in her most professional-looking outfit, heads toward the area where Irina is being held.
SYDNEY: Hi, Fred, how are you today?
BILL: My name's Bill, Agent Bristow!
SYDNEY: Yeah, whatever. I'm here to see the prisoner.
BILL: Head on through.
Sydney passes through wave after wave of steel bar doors, all raising at different speeds, and in different directions. The last one opens 3 quarters of the way up, and Sydney hits her head on it.
SYDNEY [holding the forehead]: Ow!
BILL [shouting down the hall]: Watch the last one, Agent Bristow; it sticks.
SYDNEY [sarcastically]: Thanks. [Under her breath] Putz.
BILL [under his breath]: Call me "Fred," will you…Heh heh heh…
Weepy cello music plays as Sydney approaches the cell where Irina is being confined.
IRINA [meditating]: Hello, Clarise…
SYDNEY: What?
IRINA [suddenly awake]: Oh, sorry. I was expecting someone else.
SYDNEY/IRINA [simultaneously]: I'm/You're going on another mission.
They both stop at once and laugh.
SYDNEY: Wow! It's like we have the same brain!
IRINA [slurping like Hannibal Lecter]: Yes…Brains…
SYDNEY [giving her a look]: O…K…All SD-6 knows is that the Rambaldi Spoon I'm supposed to find is somewhere in France-
IRINA: France? Really? France? [tucks hair]
SYDNEY: Stop that! [tucks hair]
IRINA [tucking hair]: Stop what?
SYDNEY [tucking hair]: THAT!
IRINA [tucking hair again]: WHAT?
SYDNEY [annoyed]: Anyway, my plane leaves in 20 minutes, so I need intel now!
Weepy cello music drowns out everything Irina tries to say.
IRINA: Keep it down!
ZOMBIE HALADKI: Must…Sleep…With…Miguel…
IRINA: That's Passions, you moron! I brought you back from the dead to play my cello music, not to spout some nonsense about some B-rated soap opera!
ZOMBIE HALADKI: Sorry…Brains now?
IRINA: You didn't have them when you were alive, so you're not gonna get them now that you're dead!
ZOMBIE HALADKI: Sorry…
IRINA: Now keep playing! I like that song.
SYDNEY [waving hands at Irina]: Hey! Intel!
IRINA: Ah yes, sorry. [Russian accent] The Spoon is hidden in a Bed and Breakfast [American accent] called "La Maison D'Etre…"
SYDNEY [very confused]: Uh…Mom? What's with your accent?
IRINA [Russian accent]: Vat accent? [American accent] Oh, that. I can [Russian accent] turn it on and off [American] like a switch!
SYDNEY: …Yeah…So, the "Maison D'Etre" is in…
IRINA: Do you remember when you were six?
SYDNEY: We're not having this conversation.
IRINA: You asked me a question and I'm giving you an embarrassing anecdote as an answer.
SYDNEY [taps her foot]: Make it quick.
IRINA: Remember when you were six and you insisted on running naked through the sprinklers at the country club?
Zombie Haladki starts giggling.
IRINA [raising the back of her hand]: Shut up or I'll let Jack know where you are!
ZOMBIE HALADKI: Sorry! [holding himself and rocking] Jack bad! Jack bad! Should've taken the bus!
IRINA: Keep playing! [Turns back to Sydney] As I was saying, uh…I forget! So, in conclusion: The Bed and Breakfast is in Marseilles, Sark is following you and will continue to do so. Have fun, honey!
SYDNEY: Thanks. [looks back, tucks her hair and walks off]
IRINA [pounding fist on glass]: Damn!
Zombie Haladki giggles.
IRINA: Shut up!
MEANWHILE…
Jack is staring at the camera feed from Irina's cell.
JACK [playfully pinching fingers in front of computer screen over Irina's head]: Squisha-head! Squisha-head!...[menacingly] Ah ha! At last Sydney is gone! Now I can…Uhh…I can't think of anything intimidating. I'll just go talk to her.
Jack heads down the hall, and passes a dessert cart.
JACK: Ooh! Date square!
