Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks In & Says "Trust Me"
Author: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge
Disclaimer: We don't own any of JJ's characters. And that's a good thing, 'cause that would involve owning Haladki. Ewww.
Summary: Light parody of a few days in the life of Sydney.
Rating: PG for some volatile language.
Distribution: E-mail first, so that we can visit.
Authors' Note: Feel free to e-mail either Glaurificus (sd6_freelancer@hotmail.com) or Linoge (linoge0069@yahoo.com) if you have any comments. Also, thanks for all the reviews (especially Ice and GataFairy! Whoever you are, you rule!).
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The scene opens with everybody's favourite secret agent walking up the steps of the Maison D'Etre B & B. Nicely tailored suit, shiny Rolex, it's James Bond! However, Sydney is right behind him & she knocks him out with a baseball bat.
SYDNEY: Ha ha! The spoon is mine!
BOND [groaning]: Why does this always happen to me when I'm on vacation…? [passes out]
Gingerly stepping over him, Sydney opens the door & walks into the small lobby. A bell-hop greets her.
BELLHOP: Take your bags, madame?
SYDNEY: I only have my super-swank purse.
BELLHOP: And you wouldn't even have to carry that if you worked for me.
SYDNEY: Sark!
The bellhop points a gun at Sydney's head and removes his hat to reveal Sark.
SARK: So, will you consider dating er, I mean, working for me?
SYDNEY: I thought you were dead!
SARK: Ha ha! I managed to teleport out of the way of the blast. How do you think I get to you on every one of your missions?
SYDNEY: That's creepy, and I'll pass. [kicks him in the groin] I have a mission to do. [kicks him again & steps over him]
DIXON [on com]: Sydney, are you O.K.?
SYDNEY: Yeah, it was just Sark, again. So where's the spoon again?
DIXON: In a drawer in the kitchen, at the end of the hall. Now remember, the combination for the drawer is: "Pull."
SYDNEY [rolling her eyes]: Thanks. I'm going radio-silent.
DIXON: Why do you always do that just as you're about to get the info or the stuff?
SYDNEY: …Uh…That's classified information.
DIXON: O.K….wait a minute! Why'd you take so long to answer?
SYDNEY: …No reason…
DIXON: O.K….wait a minute! Are you just trying to shut me up?
SYDNEY: …No, of course not.
DIXON: O.K….wait a minute-
SYDNEY: Dixon! I don't have time for this! Now, just keep it down.
DIXON: Sorry. You know, you can feel free to bring me some cookies…
SYDNEY: Fine. Going radio-silent.
DIXON: But you never answered-
Sydney turns off her SD-6 com and turns on her CIA one.
SYDNEY: Locker Room, this is Cheerleader.
VAUGHN: Go ahead, Cheerleader. [Kendall snickers in the background]
SYDNEY [under her breath]: Why the hell did I agree to that call sign?
VAUGHN: What?
SYDNEY: Uh…hope I make it home for dinner time.
VAUGHN: Oh, O.K. Do you have the spoon?
SYDNEY [finds spoon]: Yes yes yes.
VAUGHN: Do you remember the plan?
SYDNEY: Yeah, yeah. I give the fake copy to Dixon, and let the CIA have the real one, which I give to you in the warehouse, along with several of the aforementioned sub-textual glances.
VAUGHN: You're forgetting the cheerleading outfit.
SYDNEY: I'M NOT WEARING THAT GOD-DAMN OUTFIT!
VAUGHN: Ow! Stop shouting! O.K., O.K., you don't have to wear the outfit! Jeez! Midol, anybody?
SYDNEY: Ugh! I'm heading out.
VAUGHN: Copy that, Cheerleader. [Sexily] See you in the warehouse
Sydney rolls her eyes and turns on her SD-6 com.
DIXON [humming]: Oh, you're back. Got the spoon?
SYDNEY: Check. Counterfeit spoon and peanut butter cookies coming your way.
DIXON: Great. Are they home-baked or store bought, 'cause I really like it when-hey! Wait a minute! Did you say, "counterfeit" spoon?
SYDNEY: Uhh…Going radio-silent!
Cut to SD-6 Headquarters.
SLOANE: Great work, Sydney. Although I don't think I'll ever know why Rambaldi went to all the trouble of having his spoon made in Taiwan and then shipped to France…
SYDNEY: Uh…just another Rambaldi mystery!
SLOANE [sitting down next to her]: You know, you can always come to me to talk, even if it's just about what pair of shoes you bought today. [kisses her hand] Black pumps are classic elegance.
SYDNEY [about to vomit]: Thanks I…uhh…gotta use the ladies room…Bye!
Sydney runs out the door.
SLOANE: Damn! Shot down again! [goes back to desk] Oh well, bathroom cam, here I come!
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A/N: Sorry to all you Bond fans out there, but I just never liked the guy. Misogynistic philanderer [shakes fist, ducks behind wall to hide from angry Bond fans. Wipes brow].
