Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"
Authors: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge
Rating; it's PG-13 this time kiddies, for some swears
Summary: Jack visits Irina, wackiness ensues
Disclaimer: Neither one of us owns J.J's characters, yadda yadda yadda
Note: Thank you so much everybody who reviewed and who haven't tried to kill me for the Bond thing. I was really worried for awhile. Special shout out to GataFairie and Co. – the encouragement has kept this fic alive!
Our scene opens as Jack approaches Irina's cell. He greets the lone, inept guard.
JACK: Hey Fred.
GUARD [through clenched teeth]: It's Bill. My name is on the fucking name tag! See? "Bill"!
JACK: Whatever.
BILL [muttering to himself]: I'll show him, heh heh heh…
Jack passes through the sets of gates, and just like before, the last one only opens half-way.
JACK [through clenched teeth]: Ow.
BILL [quietly snickering to himself]: Fell for it just like his daughter.
Upon hearing a man mention Sydney, Jack flies into a Hulk-like mindless rage.
JACK: Jack Bristow MAD! Jack Bristow SMASH!!!!! AAAAHHHH!!!!!!
BILL: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Jack beats the guard into a squishy pile of red and pink goo, then returns to his normal, stoic self.
JACK: Teach you to talk about Sydney.
Weepy cello music again plays as Jack nears Irina's cell.
JACK: Where's that music coming from?
ZOMBIE HALADKI [weakly]: Nowhere…
JACK: Oh, okay. [turns to face Irina] So, we meet again.
IRINA: Yes, I've waited almost thirty years for this moment.
JACK: Didn't you already say that to Sydney?
Irina [shrugging]: Possibly. I have to many schemes for world domination running through my heads to keep track. And also, "Hey Jude".
JACK: I'll keep this brief.
IRINA: Just like you did when we were married.
JACK [clenching teeth]: If you hurt Sydney, I'll kill you with my bare hands.
IRINA: That would involve touching me, but then again, maybe you've had time to improve in thirty years.
JACK [vein bulging in his forehead]: I'm going to blow your head off.
IRINA: Pft. Wouldn't be the first time. "It's been a stressful day." Yeah right. You just couldn't get it up. No wonder I ended up with Khasinau.
JACK [morphing into Hulk again]: THAT'S IT!!!!!! I'LL SHOW YOU IMPOTENT!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
Jack whips out 2 automatic hand guns and starts shooting at the glass of Irina's cell.
IRINA [unimpressed]: It's bullet-proof, dumb-ass.
JACK [considers for a moment]: I'll be back in a jiffy!
He runs back to the guard station and gets a blow torch and mask. Why do they have these at a simple guard station? Ask Rambaldi, he has to be involved somehow. Oh, wait, you can't. HE'S DEAD! Just one of the many unpleasant side-effects of being a heretic! Anyway, now back to our originally scheduled parody.
Jack starts up the blow-torch and puts on the mask; he wants to be safe while freeing a sociopathic killer.
JACK [laughing maniacally]: Now we'll see who's the impotent one!
For the first time in almost thirty years, sparks fly between Jack and Irina as he sauders along the frames that hold the glass in place. Finally the panel gives.
JACK [removing mask]: Alright, bring it on bitch!
Irina stands perfectly still and considers her next move.
JACK: COME ON!!! Chicken! [flaps arms] Bwack bwack bwack!!
IRINA [punching Jack]: Sai yugen!!
With that, Jack is out like a light!
IRINA [stepping over him]: Ha ha! Now, to find that handler of Sydney's!! Mwahahaha! [coughs, wheezes] It's been too long since I've done that.
As Irina slinks out through the hallway, she passes yet another randomly placed desert cart.
IRINA: Oooh! Brownie!
AN: I hope you like this latest installment on our journey through parody land! Keep the reviews coming. After all, I don't expect everyone to review, just you.
