Title: The Enemy Cipher Walks in and Says "Trust Me"

Authors: Glaurificus, featuring Linoge

Rating:  PG-13

Summary:  Sydney returns from her mission/drama at the CIA HQ

Disclaimer: Neither one of us owns J.J's characters, yadda yadda yadda

Authors' Note: Once again, thanks to everyone who has cheered us on and waited so patiently for this next instalment.

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Our parody opens with Sydney returning from the field with a large bag full of the Rambaldi artifacts. She enters the briefing room, bruised and battered, and finds Sloane, Dixon, and Marshall huddled together at the table.

Sydney:            Hey guys, whatcha looking at?

They all look up guiltily.

Marshall:          I...uh...we weren't...uh...looking...at the uhh...Rambaldi...catalogue.

Sloane smacks Marshall upside the head.

Sloane:            We were just going through the...uh Rambaldi catalogue...Crap! I mean, the specs for your next mission. Yes, that shall do nicely.

Sydney [setting bag down]:       Right...Let me see that!

Sydney wrestles the catalogue out of Marshall's hand. She flips through it, seeing all the items she worked so hard to get being sold for the low low price of $29.99!

Sydney [trying to contain her rage]:       Exactly when did you get this....

Marshall:          Well...I...uh...kinda sent...uh...away for it....Uh...probably should've...mentioned this earlier, huh? [timidly] Don't kill me.

Sydney[slowly]:            I'm going to leave now, take a bubble bath, and try to forget about this whole week…

Dixon: Well Syd, if you're going to take a bath, try the new Scents of Sebasio bath and body wash!

Dixon holds up a bottle of Rambaldi's "new" body wash, which has the slogan "Quell your fires with the Scent of Sebasio!"

Sydney tries to wither Dixon with her gaze.

Sydney:            I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that. Now, I'm going home. [turns to Sloane] Don't send anyone to follow me; I'll kill them.

Sloane [weakly]: Yes ma'am. But uh...would you agree to some camera surveillance?

Sydney [through clenched teeth]:           Don't even think about it, old man.

Sloane [sinking further into his chair]:     I uhh...already   thought about it...is that okay?

Sydney shudders and walks off and heads for the Ops Centre.

MEANWHILE...at the Ops Centre:

Kendall:            Doo doo doo do doo. Hey Fred!

The small pile of goo vibrates with rage.

Kendall:            [beat] Ok then, I'll just let myself in. Take it easy!

The gates rise and Kendall proceeds to walk through. Of course, he bangs his head on the last gate. The pile of goo giggles to itself.

Kendall:            Ooow! My beautiful forehead! I just got it out of the Shino-Ballo! Now Derevko will never respect me!

Kendall proceeds forth anyway, and sees Jack lying unconscious.

Kendall:            OhmiGod! Jack's knocked out and Irina...I mean Ms. Derevko, has escaped! [trips] And what the hell is this dessert cart doing here??

Weiss [mumbling]:        I...uhhh...thought it would...I'm uh...fired aren't I?

Kendall:            You bet your sweet ass you are!

Weiss:              What??

Kendall:            Nothing...just get out of my sight!!!!

Kendall picks himself up and goes over to Jack.

Jack [muttering incoherently]:    I'll show you...impotent....

Kendall:            Jack! JACK! You've got to get up! Your wife has escaped!!

Jack[still dazed]:           You're crazy....My wife's upstairs teaching Sydney how to load a gun...

Kendall:            Uhh...Jack, that was you.

Jack:    Oh yeah...I guess I better get up for school, mommy...

Kendall [rolls eyes and picks Jack up]:  I'm not your mommy! [slaps him awake] Now, you've got to focus.

Jack [alert now]:           You're right

Kendall preens.

Jack:    Knock that off! Now, if I remember correctly, Irina said something about a handler as she was leaving...

Weiss:              What about Mike?

Kendall [giving him a look]:       I thought I fired you...

Weiss:              Yeah, but it looks like you need all the man power you can get. Besides, if she shoots me again, I get to go back to all the sexy nurses at the CIA hospital.

Jack and Kendall stare at him blankly.

Weiss:              And I'm searching for clues...[walks into the cell]

Jack:    Nevertheless, we have a sociopathic bitch to hunt down and kill -

Kendall:            I don't think we're allowed -

Jack [through gritted teeth]:       I *said* we have a sociopathic bitch to hunt down and kill.

Kendall:            Whatever. She never gave me the respect I deserve anyway.

Weiss:              Hey! I know where she's going!

Jack:    If only we knew what her next move is....

Weiss:              Guys! I know! I know!

Kendall:            That's impossible; you're not even a full cast member.

Weiss:              Neither are you...

Kendall:            I don't think I like your attitude. You know I'm licensed to put you in solitary....

Weiss:              No you're not.

Kendall [hangs head]:               I just like to pretend I can...

Jack [frustrated]:           How do you know where Derevko is heading?

Weiss:              It's written down in her agenda [picks up notebook]: See? It's her 12 o'clock: '"Meeting" with Agent Vaughn Jr'.

Kendall:            By the flaming moons of Alpha Centuri! I mean....why didn't we ever notice this notebook before?

Weiss:              Well, there is a note addressed to you here sir. [hands Kendall the note]

Kendall [reading]:         'Dear Assistant Director Kendall: I hope you've finally found my secret notebook. It contains the secrets of my years as KGB and...' aww... I can't read the rest.

Jack:    Does it say anything about me?

Kendall:            Pfft! Why the hell would she talk about you?

Jack:    At least I got some from her.

Kendall:            Oh yeah, then why was she always talking about your limp -

Jack [morphing into Hulk again]:           JACK BRISTOW MAD!! JACK BRISTOW SMASH!!!

Jack beats Kendall to an ugly grease spot on the floor.

Jack:    And that is that.

Weiss, who has been paralyzed with fear, starts to mumble incoherently.

Jack:    Weren't you just fired?

Jack walks out to the main lobby of the Ops Centre, where he meets Sydney.

Jack:    Sydney, what are you doing here?

Sydney:            Sloane actually had a catalogue of the Rambaldi artifacts plus some cheap Rambaldi merchandise.

Jack:    Want me to kill him? I just offed Kendall.

Sydney:            Tempting, but no thanks. I'm just going to find Vaughn and tell him about my day, possibly flirt a little. You go home, rest up.

Jack:    Uhh...Sydney, we have a problem...

Dramatic music plays....

To be continued...?