Gandalf the Grey's Manic Diary
Bio: Gandalf was the great wizard, sent by his Head Of Order, Saruman the
Pointy-Nails-Dyed-White, to find two children worthy of editing and thrashing
the history of the One Ring. He finds Cleff and Ash in their terror English
teacher's class, and there, the adventure starts.
Day One
Had to dodge bouncy Saruman, who threw me a "Bon Voyage" party, before I left
for the modern realm to look for the children worthy of controlling the fate of
the One Ring, wherever it is. I shall go for a Ring-hunting spree without any
Ring Wraiths involved if I should. Had to ignore saruman singing Britney's
"Lucky" song, and Radagast the Brown trying to swipe some vodka into my punch,
wanting to make me blurt out the three small words I intimately shared with the
Balrog – but that is another story. Bad, bad party.
Things to pack: Staff, in case evil kids come blasting down the door, grabbing
my genuine pointy hat. Good for whacking nasty children. Aspirin, in case I
survive this "modern" realm encounter, with a meager headache. Must not bring
pointy hat. Rabid little kids addicted to it.
Day Two
Screw Modern Realm. Turned all the kids-badgering-me-as-Harry-Potter's-Dumbledore
into smelly little toads. Missed serious female teacher spanking when she
kicked me out of the auditorium. Damn. Must note to send Peregrine here for
obvious bad teacher-torture. He-he-heh.
Had no choice but to drop in an evil pig-like lady's English class, only to
save two disobedient children from detention. Screw Saruman's stupid
"Cliffhanger" prophecy, I just gave them the heavy portal Book so I can get rid
of it, and run off to the Shire to get high with pipeweed. My head hurts. We'll
see if two nasty little detention kids have the potential to write the One Ring's
history.
Day Three
Is it me, or is it Frodo doing the Funky Chicken Dance in the nude? Must not
get too cuddly with the hobbits… must not get too cuddly with the hobbits… Must
improve this stupid mantra… Damn it. Frodo who just slipped in his dirty
clothes, tromped down my wagon, making it loose a wheel, and sprain the poor
little donkey. Stupid heavy little hobbit. Must have not said that out loud, so
stupid little hobbit wouldn't cry. Must not made stupid hobbit cry or else I
will be forced to cuddle him, strip him… and…
Stupid me.
Day Four
Hobbitsh sho cute. Execpt for Brandybuck and Took. Shoved firecracker down
their @$$es after they tried to reveal their "big one" on stage. Cliffhanger
one down. Fainted when she saw Frodo's big unclipped nails covered with hairy
feet. Have to revive her all night… but Frodo distracted me by not following my
advice on dancing the Funky Chick in the nude… terrible giggling hangover.
Whupsh.
Day Five
Had to bring Cliffhanger to Isengard. Must separate evil Cliffhanger from cute
little hobbit who finally fancies his trousers on him after someone grabbed his
woody. Cliffhanger had been whacking cute little hobbit all day. Not to
mention, several nosebleeds. Must have her chastism in Isengard. Not to
mention, she's doing good with her new Book after she left the Portal one back
in detention. Stupid Cliffhanger.
Day Seven
Stupid Cliffhangers. Stuck in Orthanc after Saruman thought I was stealing his
girl friend Ring Wraith which turned out to be Cliffhanger Ash who fell into
Shadow. Saruman must be terribly desperate for some luvin. Should have stayed
with Cliffhanger Clefe with Shadowfax. At least they're sane. Smuggled root
beer with spiked vodka in them, drinking my way up in Orthanc. *hic* Radagast
was probably right. Balrog is @$$-whupin'…
Day Ten
Saruman *hic* visited me up Orthanc, wanting to get drunk cause he found out
that his heart was more womanly and he has no feelings for young Ring Wraith,
since she is ages younger. We drank more spiked vodka-rootbeer, till we started
arguing who's cuter, the Palantir or Sauron. I got annoyed, I kicked him off
Orthanc on purpose. Still on hangover. *hic*
Day Twelve
Saruman found his way back up Orthanc… and had his revenge by hanging me off my
toes on top of Orthanc for insulting his dear Palantir. I said I fancy the
armor off Sauron, that's why he almost had me devoured by the evil
food-deprived Orcs down below… Lucky, Big Eagle remembered our date, and swept
by and saved me. Brainless little birds are useful after all.
Day Fifteen
Eagle got annoyed since I admitted that I cannot commit and chucked me into
Rivendell, and right into Elrond's bathroom – just when he's in the middle of a
strawberry bath! The horror. Had to splash my way out my eyes closed… found out
that Sam was in line outside the door, dragging a wounded Frodo, about to bathe
him. Bad idea. Let me do it.
Whups. Remember mantra. Must not get too cuddly with hobbits… must not get too
cuddly with hobbits…
Day Seventeen
Cliffhanger in complete control. Have produced beautiful words in the books
with genuine handwriting. Was the perfect Cliffhanger after all. Go me, I chose
her! Trouble is, since she left the portal Book in detention, she dragged
someone along! A stupid, dorky, pervy hobbit fancier named Shea! Bad idea.
Hobbits becoming too attracted. Cliffhanger freaking out, trying to kill Shea
to separate her from love-struck Ringbearer. I am left in the dumps. Why
doesn't anyone love me?
No, Elrond. I didn't call for you.
Day Eighteen
Height of Aragorn and Shea rivalry over Frodo lengthening. Looks like Sam is
getting annoyed. Cleff and Sam will kill them if they try anything. Council of
Elrond in motion. Trouble is, stupid Cliffhanger too cowardly to join the
Fellowship. Stupid, stupid Cliffhanger. Stupid, stupid me.
Day Nineteen
Dragged Cliffhanger by the ear to Cahadras, accompanied by her good archer
friend, Legolas's apprentice, Zephyr. Why wouldn't I be taught by a hot pretty
elf like Legolas? Looks like children are in demand these days. Brrr. Forgot
weather forecast. V. cold up Cahadras. Stupid, stupid, stupid…
Day Twenty
Stoopid, stoopid Ringbearer. Remind me to give a good kick up Frodo's little
rear. Must not look when he cries. Fellowship might discover that I am a pervy
hobbit fancier… Believe this, Frodo agreed to go with Gimli to the Mines of
Moria? Stupid hobbit, must have the hots for the dwarf… I remember his uncle
Bilbo having one for Balin… but that was ages ago. Herditary. Tsk, tsk.
Cliffhanger seemed restless against Moria. Finally, something we both can agree
on.
V. v. afraid. Might utter three magic words that may summon my ex, the Balrog.
"Balrog is @$$-whupin'…" Must not utter loud. Fellowship might think I had
relations with all kinds of creatures. Part true.
Day Twenty-One
Cannot stand it when nasty little Peregrine pushed stupid dwarf skeleton down
old Moria well. Almost hung him over his toes on the well, if it weren't for
that puppy dog eyes and puffy lower lip… Remember Mantra. Must not get too
cuddly with hobbits… must not get too cuddly with hobbits… especially with
TOOKS… Too late. Trying to distract myself from Pippin, I muttered "Balrog is
@$$-whupin'…" making Orcs fall from the ceiling, overcome with laughter.
We tried to escape, unfortunately, sweet old flame, Balrog came up with me,
heard the three magic words, and grabbed me into the darkness. Darn. I am
flamed.
Day Twenty-Two
Haven't had time to say goodbye to puffy lipped Peregine and blue-eyed, nude
dancing Frodo. Will miss doing magic tricks and reprimanding too much
headstrong and clumsy Cliffhanger. Now I must stop uttering three magic words
so Balrog will stop peeking in my cloak. Who cares? Im toast. Stole Balrog's
best collection of bleach after humping him hard enough to kill him and ran off
to Elrond to get third-degree-burns in most embarrassing places treated..
I bet Elrond's jealous. If he ever dares to tell on that Galadriel chick, I'll send Sauron a memo on how Elrond secretly had a plan to have a dirty weekend with him! Ha!
