Gandalf the Grey's Manic Diary

Bio: Gandalf was the great wizard, sent by his Head Of Order, Saruman the Pointy-Nails-Dyed-White, to find two children worthy of editing and thrashing the history of the One Ring. He finds Cleff and Ash in their terror English teacher's class, and there, the adventure starts.

Day One

Had to dodge bouncy Saruman, who threw me a "Bon Voyage" party, before I left for the modern realm to look for the children worthy of controlling the fate of the One Ring, wherever it is. I shall go for a Ring-hunting spree without any Ring Wraiths involved if I should. Had to ignore saruman singing Britney's "Lucky" song, and Radagast the Brown trying to swipe some vodka into my punch, wanting to make me blurt out the three small words I intimately shared with the Balrog – but that is another story. Bad, bad party.

Things to pack: Staff, in case evil kids come blasting down the door, grabbing my genuine pointy hat. Good for whacking nasty children. Aspirin, in case I survive this "modern" realm encounter, with a meager headache. Must not bring pointy hat. Rabid little kids addicted to it.

Day Two

Screw Modern Realm. Turned all the kids-badgering-me-as-Harry-Potter's-Dumbledore into smelly little toads. Missed serious female teacher spanking when she kicked me out of the auditorium. Damn. Must note to send Peregrine here for obvious bad teacher-torture. He-he-heh.

Had no choice but to drop in an evil pig-like lady's English class, only to save two disobedient children from detention. Screw Saruman's stupid "Cliffhanger" prophecy, I just gave them the heavy portal Book so I can get rid of it, and run off to the Shire to get high with pipeweed. My head hurts. We'll see if two nasty little detention kids have the potential to write the One Ring's history.

Day Three

Is it me, or is it Frodo doing the Funky Chicken Dance in the nude? Must not get too cuddly with the hobbits… must not get too cuddly with the hobbits… Must improve this stupid mantra… Damn it. Frodo who just slipped in his dirty clothes, tromped down my wagon, making it loose a wheel, and sprain the poor little donkey. Stupid heavy little hobbit. Must have not said that out loud, so stupid little hobbit wouldn't cry. Must not made stupid hobbit cry or else I will be forced to cuddle him, strip him… and…
Stupid me.

Day Four

Hobbitsh sho cute. Execpt for Brandybuck and Took. Shoved firecracker down their @$$es after they tried to reveal their "big one" on stage. Cliffhanger one down. Fainted when she saw Frodo's big unclipped nails covered with hairy feet. Have to revive her all night… but Frodo distracted me by not following my advice on dancing the Funky Chick in the nude… terrible giggling hangover. Whupsh.

Day Five

Had to bring Cliffhanger to Isengard. Must separate evil Cliffhanger from cute little hobbit who finally fancies his trousers on him after someone grabbed his woody. Cliffhanger had been whacking cute little hobbit all day. Not to mention, several nosebleeds. Must have her chastism in Isengard. Not to mention, she's doing good with her new Book after she left the Portal one back in detention. Stupid Cliffhanger.

Day Seven

Stupid Cliffhangers. Stuck in Orthanc after Saruman thought I was stealing his girl friend Ring Wraith which turned out to be Cliffhanger Ash who fell into Shadow. Saruman must be terribly desperate for some luvin. Should have stayed with Cliffhanger Clefe with Shadowfax. At least they're sane. Smuggled root beer with spiked vodka in them, drinking my way up in Orthanc. *hic* Radagast was probably right. Balrog is @$$-whupin'…

Day Ten

Saruman *hic* visited me up Orthanc, wanting to get drunk cause he found out that his heart was more womanly and he has no feelings for young Ring Wraith, since she is ages younger. We drank more spiked vodka-rootbeer, till we started arguing who's cuter, the Palantir or Sauron. I got annoyed, I kicked him off Orthanc on purpose. Still on hangover. *hic*

Day Twelve

Saruman found his way back up Orthanc… and had his revenge by hanging me off my toes on top of Orthanc for insulting his dear Palantir. I said I fancy the armor off Sauron, that's why he almost had me devoured by the evil food-deprived Orcs down below… Lucky, Big Eagle remembered our date, and swept by and saved me. Brainless little birds are useful after all.

Day Fifteen

Eagle got annoyed since I admitted that I cannot commit and chucked me into Rivendell, and right into Elrond's bathroom – just when he's in the middle of a strawberry bath! The horror. Had to splash my way out my eyes closed… found out that Sam was in line outside the door, dragging a wounded Frodo, about to bathe him. Bad idea. Let me do it.

Whups. Remember mantra. Must not get too cuddly with hobbits… must not get too cuddly with hobbits…

Day Seventeen

Cliffhanger in complete control. Have produced beautiful words in the books with genuine handwriting. Was the perfect Cliffhanger after all. Go me, I chose her! Trouble is, since she left the portal Book in detention, she dragged someone along! A stupid, dorky, pervy hobbit fancier named Shea! Bad idea. Hobbits becoming too attracted. Cliffhanger freaking out, trying to kill Shea to separate her from love-struck Ringbearer. I am left in the dumps. Why doesn't anyone love me?

No, Elrond. I didn't call for you.

Day Eighteen

Height of Aragorn and Shea rivalry over Frodo lengthening. Looks like Sam is getting annoyed. Cleff and Sam will kill them if they try anything. Council of Elrond in motion. Trouble is, stupid Cliffhanger too cowardly to join the Fellowship. Stupid, stupid Cliffhanger. Stupid, stupid me.

Day Nineteen

Dragged Cliffhanger by the ear to Cahadras, accompanied by her good archer friend, Legolas's apprentice, Zephyr. Why wouldn't I be taught by a hot pretty elf like Legolas? Looks like children are in demand these days. Brrr. Forgot weather forecast. V. cold up Cahadras. Stupid, stupid, stupid…

Day Twenty

Stoopid, stoopid Ringbearer. Remind me to give a good kick up Frodo's little rear. Must not look when he cries. Fellowship might discover that I am a pervy hobbit fancier… Believe this, Frodo agreed to go with Gimli to the Mines of Moria? Stupid hobbit, must have the hots for the dwarf… I remember his uncle Bilbo having one for Balin… but that was ages ago. Herditary. Tsk, tsk. Cliffhanger seemed restless against Moria. Finally, something we both can agree on.

V. v. afraid. Might utter three magic words that may summon my ex, the Balrog. "Balrog is @$$-whupin'…" Must not utter loud. Fellowship might think I had relations with all kinds of creatures. Part true.

Day Twenty-One

Cannot stand it when nasty little Peregrine pushed stupid dwarf skeleton down old Moria well. Almost hung him over his toes on the well, if it weren't for that puppy dog eyes and puffy lower lip… Remember Mantra. Must not get too cuddly with hobbits… must not get too cuddly with hobbits… especially with TOOKS… Too late. Trying to distract myself from Pippin, I muttered "Balrog is @$$-whupin'…" making Orcs fall from the ceiling, overcome with laughter.

We tried to escape, unfortunately, sweet old flame, Balrog came up with me, heard the three magic words, and grabbed me into the darkness. Darn. I am flamed.

Day Twenty-Two

Haven't had time to say goodbye to puffy lipped Peregine and blue-eyed, nude dancing Frodo. Will miss doing magic tricks and reprimanding too much headstrong and clumsy Cliffhanger. Now I must stop uttering three magic words so Balrog will stop peeking in my cloak. Who cares? Im toast. Stole Balrog's best collection of bleach after humping him hard enough to kill him and ran off to Elrond to get third-degree-burns in most embarrassing places treated..

I bet Elrond's jealous. If he ever dares to tell on that Galadriel chick, I'll send Sauron a memo on how Elrond secretly had a plan to have a dirty weekend with him! Ha!