Clefe McCraig's Very Secret Depressive Diary


Day One

Definitely not my day. Almost got into detention with best friend Ash, when we didn't want to listen to stupid English teacher's lecture, destroying our humorous point of view of Lord Of The Rings. Almost got in trouble with Principal in a Grey Dress. Turned out to be some old man named Mithrandir who got Ash and me stuck with a heavy book. Don't like this Mithrandir. Not a Wizard Fancier either.

Day Two

Now got in trouble with Principal NOT in a gray dress, and stuck in detention with LOTR Mary-Sue b*tch Shea Sandman. Ash and I tried to open the darn lock of the book and Elrond's disembodied head came out and spitted a blue and red pill. Will not be tricked by Matrix style of transport. Took the pills anyway. What a dunderhead, I am.

Day Three

Target locked, reached destination: The Shire. Bad landing though, toppled right in front of scary hairy-footed hobbit, dancing the Funky Chicken in the nude. Fainted. Bah. Too many drunk hobbits. Turned out to be Bilbo's 111th birthday. Yeah right.

Day Four

Frodo Baggins is a nice hobbit. If it weren't for the creepy "Twilight Zone" zoomy blue eyes, and his annoying friend Sam. Gandalf nice too, if he hasn't spent all night laughing at me, with Bilbo, since I didn't recognize him as Mithrandir from detention. Off to Isengard to meet off with Ash. Cannot cope staying in the Shire with Hobbits drunk, dancing Frodo's funky chicken in the nude. Good, Frodo seems to be off with Sam to Bree, chasing each other through the fields, hand in hand. Waitta minute, they're just supposed to be friends, right? Right?!

Day Six

Escaping off to Bree. Stupid Gandalf has to check his inbox more often. Apparently, Radagast the Brown has left a note about the Pervy Wraith Fancier Saruman turning evil, and thus, turning my friend Ash into a grand slam new spanking RingWraith too. I have to make my reality check more often. Of course I should remember, Ash will end up in the evil side, since she is allergic to hobbits. Somehow, looking at Frodo and Sam's intimate relationship, I should be "more" than allergic. Should be deathly afraid.

Hope RingWraith Ash hasn't gone ahead of me in Bree. Or else I might be having toasted Hobbits for dinner. Bleaurgh.

Day Seven

This isn't my day either. Damn it. More cargo loaded on my way when I found out Frodo has taken his "cousins" Merry and Pippin along. Most likely a "rolling down a grassy slope" relationship, I guess. Bad news is, Shea the Hobbit Fancier has gotten hold of the Portal Book back in detention, and has landed on Butterbur's head in Bree. Frodo slipped on the Ring and attracted a RingWraith-like figure – nothing but Heir to the Throne of Gondor in Strider disguise, Aragorn. Definitely another Pervy Hobbit Fancier who'd like to take a peek down Frodo's pants. Am I the only straight person in this world?!!

Day Ten

Damn Strider and his midnight antics. Trying to distract us away from Frodo by stopping by Weathertop, he got us fighting ominous RingWraiths instead. Promised to take us to Rivendell, bah! He'll cry for Rivendell once I kick his lily @$$!!! We'll, too late for whining, Frodo got stabbed by Ash the Living RingWraith's Morgul Blade when Shea and I were fighting over who's going to save the helpless Ringbearer. Off to Rivendell this time. What?!! I won't suck on Frodo's wound to stop the poison flow!!! Whattami, insane?

Day Eleven

Threw a disastrous riot. Had Shea's head slammed down with Sam's Almighty Pan of Doom. Kicked Strider away and stole his elf-girlfriend's horse so I can get a sick Frodo to Rivendell as fast as "Whazzam!" before Strider, Sam and Shea would start arguing on who could undress Frodo and suck on his wound. Was pursued by the RingWraiths and had some tea with Ash while on horseback. We got annoyed with each other and started doing a tug-of-war with Frodo. Poor hobbit. I won in the tug-of-war but Ash started laughing at me because she thinks I am turning into a Hobbit Fancier. Got so annoyed so I washed her and her Nazgul friends off with waters from the Misty Mountains. Still on my way to Rivendell, making sure Frodo doesn't drool unconsciously on my shoulder. Hobbit drool, ick.

Day Thirteen

Rivendell seems pretty, if only Elrond and Gandalf would stop hollering at me to get my nose off the Book Of The One Ring. Shea and Sam still fighting over who's going to bathe Frodo in strawberry bath. Strider claims to be dating the elfmaiden Arwen, but still sneaks in Frodo's room everynight to suck on his toes. Still wondering why am I the only one not obsessed with pathetic little hobbit who lacks heroic type fortitude. Met up with my old friend Zephyr who got transported to Middle Earth and was under the care of the elf called Legolas. She claims she tried to stop Elrond and Legolas from nancing on top of the snow, but found herself doing it. Definitely a pervy elf fancier.

Day Fourteen

Frodo has agreed to bring the stupid One Ring on its last trip to Mordor. Looked at me and begged me to come along. Called me the Cliffhanger and he needs me amidst his Fellowship and a bunch of pervy elf and hobbit fanciers (Zephyr and Shea). With those creepy blue eyes begging me, I am surely NOT going.

Day Sixteen

Had no choice when Gandalf got annoyed and dragged me by the ear to Cahadras. Found Zephyr and Legolas nancing atop of snow, like master and apprentice. Got interested so, started doing it too. Still wondering why Shea, Sam, Aragorn and Boromir are plotting to kill me. Boromir and Aragorn got in a big fight on who to carry Frodo up the mountain. Boromir lost, got shoved in the snow, and landed on me. Bulky old git.

Day Seventeen

V. dark in the Mines of Moria. Felt Frodo clutching at my leg all the time when Gandalf tried to repeat his pointy hat trick. Sam and Aragorn started hitting each other with their sword hilts in the dark, maybe trying to pinch each other. Frodo, useless little git, got so scared, climbed up my back and hid in my cloak. Felt Shea, Sam, Boromir and Strider trying to cut my head off with their swords. Something is not so sport with this Fellowship.

Day Nineteen

Gandalf fell in a bottomless pit, dragging the fiery old Balrog with him. Glad to see such a cute couple. Sad to see old git go. Left stupid old book to me. Frodo started crying and muttered something about the pointy hat trick. So he was watching that one after all. Had a huge mushy hobbit cuddlefest outside Moria. Shea and Zephyr sneezed all over my sleeve, and Frodo was crying on my cloak. Saw Ash The RingWraith terrorizing Moria. Laughing at me coz she said I became a hobbit and hobbit fancier magnet. Why are all the mushy icky people all stuck on me?!!

Day Twenty-One

Lothlorien v. show-off. Thank God Frodo was distracted by the scary Elf-Lady of the Wood, and Shea, Sam, Aragorn and Boromir has stopped their murder plots on me. Was taught by Zephyr and Legolas how to do cross-nancing on the snow, and to my shock, Frodo drew me aside and begged me to bathe him. I am not turning into a hobbit fancier, and I am not taking the clothes off this particular hobbit. No wonder why Boromir and Aragorn has teamed up of trying to throw me down the lagoon.

Day Twenty-Three

Finally off Lothlorien and onto a boat where Frodo couldn't follow me. Hehehehe, stupid little nasty hobbit. Got stuck on the other boat, peering back at me with "Twilight Zone" crappy blue watery eyes. Brrrr. Legolas and Zephyr were talking about water-nancing, had to stop them from trying it, found out that elves can't swim.

Day Twenty-Four

Reached Amon Hen in no time. Boromir exploded and acted on his pent-up lust for Frodo, claiming he's gaping at the Ring. Oh yeah, right. Got worried about Boromir, and found out that he failed to resist a little hobbit cuddle. Bummer, not another pervy hobbit fancier. Legolas, Zephyr and I met up with orcs and enjoyed a new technique of nancying. Found out that Boromir was struck out by orcs, after he tried to stop Merry and Pippin making out with the ugly guys. Dead by morning. Don't tell anyone, but I broke the Horn of Gondor for revenge of his plotting to kill me, heheheheh.

Day Twenty-Five

Sent Frodo, Sam and Shea off to Mordor after their failed attempt of cornering me and making me admit that I am a pervy hobbit fancier too. Messed up with the Book of the One Ring's writings, and tried to put a lovespell on Frodo and Sam. Ooops. It might turn into a disastrous love triangle, since Shea's coming along. Frodo hitting on me, everyone else wants to kill me. Cannot cope. Off to save Merry and Pippin. Guess that I am stuck nancing with Zephyr and Legolas. V. interesting, takes my mind off suspense that Aragorn may still be plotting to kill me with his angry Elendil.

Clefe's Bio: Clefe is a normal high school girl, with a best friend named Ash. Chosen by Gandalf along with Ash to become the Cliffhanger duos to control the fate of the One Ring and those who burden it, she is sent to Middle Earth, but faces dire circumstances. Dire indeed.