Search for a Romantic Prospect: A Mary Sue's Tale
Author's Note: I wrote this quite a while ago after reading all those Mary Sue stories in which the protagonist just can't seem to make up her mind which Fellowship member she likes... humor me and read it, why don't you. Just a bit of silliness. Has a surprise ending, sort of, and a nice take-home lesson, which you'll just have to figure out for yourself. Now, the story, from the perspective of a single woman searching for romance in Tolkien's world.
Day One:
Have arrived in Rivendell. All is going as planned; was met by Lord Elrond, have magical powers, can understand Elvish and am in fact an Elf. Am prettier than ALL the Elf ladies around, even Arwen.
Um... think Council is tomorrow, but cannot be sure.
Day Two:
Council is indeed today! Am honored guest. I have volunteered to go to Mordor and of course, Elrond was overjoyed because of my wonderful magical powers. I left with the Fellowship. Legolas, Aragorn and Boromir all clearly in love with me. Have decided on Legolas by process of elimination, as
1) Aragorn already has Arwen, and am not all that eager to get too close to filthy woodsy Ranger in any case.
2) Boromir very attractive, but his imminent death makes romance pretty impossible.
Legolas clearly best, as is
1) an Elf, and immortal
2) a very good archer, and always looks clean
3) very attractive, though maybe not as much as Boromir. Have not yet decided whether pointy ears are a plus or a minus... hmm. Also long hair a bit girlish.
Day Three:
Have told the men that we won't make make it up Caradhras. They seemed suspicious of me, but have reassured them that I am omniscient and therefore am certain of the information. Also told them not to go in Mines of Moria, but they won't listen. Heard something about pronouncing the d' in Caradhras.
Hmm. Must work on Elvish if wish to be taken seriously.
Day Eight:
Went into the Mines. Very dark. Do not feel like writing much. Ick, stepped on a dead Dwarf, am going to go quietly throw up now. Urgh. Smelly in here. Also full of orcs and Balrog.
Day Twelve:
Well, Gandalf is dead. Not too keen on helping him, as feel I screwed up the timeline too much already. Also he was mean, condescending and slightly smelly. Disgusting old robes. On upside, Legolas and Frodo both very sad and need comforting. Boromir too... no. No, Legolas. Yes, he was a bit snappish, but still clearly the best romantic choice, definitely.
Day Something:
Not very easy to tell time in Lothlorien. Perhaps because of freakish Elf-lady with spooky voice. Must agree with Gimli's first impression; she is a witch, or something which rhymes with that but is not G-rated. Am starting to quite like Gimli... proper capitalist fellow, not girly treehugger Elf.
No, no, Legolas is clearly best romantic choice, though when Fellowship bathed decided to spy on Boromir instead. Not that I saw anything, anyway, whole escapade just to keep up appearances as a romantically interested person. Actually, am not sure I'm very into romance, at the moment. Best prospects either short and ugly, doomed to die, or annoyingly superior, effeminate Elves.
Drat.
Day 45(or something like that, a bit confused about passage of time in Lothlorien):
Well, we have set out. Again. Rowing down the river Anduin. Dratted boring, actually, though am sharing a boat with Boromir and Pippin. Pippin entertaining for a time, but very bad at rowing. My arms are killing me, and if I wasn't so tired I think I would knock him out with my oar just to get him to quit singing the Bath Song. Really annoying after fiftieth repetition, and am a bit uneasy about talking to Boromir.
Afraid I might burst out and tell him not to die, or start sobbing or something. Really very sad, but must keep telling myself: Legolas is best romantic prospect, Legolas is--
Oops, just dropped this journal in water. It's okay, just a little blurred. Actually, was Legolas' fault. Knocked me in back of the head with the oar, perhaps because while I was neglecting to row the boat began going over a waterfall. Still, honestly, no way to treat a lady. Am not quite sure he really is the best romantic prospect, but the competition is too stiff for Aragorn, Boromir will be dead soon, and Gimli not at all attractive. Also very old. Perhaps Hobbits? Eeechhh. No, think not, that's pretty disgusting. Though Pippin is pretty cute, and he IS going to get that Ent-draught. If I get him to drink extra, maybe he'll end up my height and it won't be so wrong.
No, Pippin is definitely far too immature. For one thing, has starting singing again. That's it, am smacking him on head with oar.
Very pleased with how scheme turned out. Pippin was knocked out of boat when I hit him with the oar, and Boromir jumped in to save him. Unfortunately was wearing shield at the time, so sank as well, and then in jumped Aragorn and Legolas. The view from here is quite nice now, lots of dripping-wet men all around, but Pippin just told them what happened and now they're glaring at me.
Ick. They just grabbed me and dumped me in the water, not very pleasant. I thought they were supposed to be gentlemen, here. Well, how was I to know Pippin couldn't swim? I thought that was Merry... must've gotten mixed up.
Day 46:
Well, have saved Boromir from getting shot. On downside, he has no stolen the Ring from Frodo and become evil.
I should've gone with Legolas, but too late now. They're all dead, and Boromir has taken over Middle Earth in reign of terror.
But I don't regret my decision; he looks gorgeous in those evil black robes.
Disclaimer: Nothing Tolkien wrote belongs to me. The Mary Sue stories this parody resembles (thankfully) do not belong to me. Aragorn, Legolas and Boromir do not belong to me, though Bilbo is living next door. But he doesn't belong to me either. Oh darn, I'm becoming increasingly melancholy thinking of all the many things I don't own. I really have to stop writing fanfiction.
P.S. Don't think it's witty to say yes, you do really have to stop writing fanfiction in your flames of this story. It's not, and also shows you probably didn't get that this was a parody. To clear things up for the humor-impaired, the above was, indeed a parody. Thank you.
