Disclaimer: The characters and places and stuff belong to JKR. But for now, they are at my mercy. *evil grin* I'll return them as soon as I'm finished…maybe.
Author's Note: I preordered Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix yesterday! I'm so excited! But it won't go with my collection, as it's a hardback, and my collection is paperback. Oh well. I'll get it just a few days before I go to Europe for a month, and I'll get to read it on the plane, and I'm so pumped! *grin*
Thanks for the great reviews, everybody! This chapter is dedicated to dracolover, who gave me my 100th review of this story! I'm surprised that I've gotten so many! Thanks to everyone!
In this chapter: Letters, sent and unsent, concern, Sev's conscience again, and hangovers
~~~
Chapter 19
Dear Hermione,
Ron told me what you said in the hospital wing. I guess that explains why you've been avoiding me. I won't lie and say your words don't hurt me or affect me; they do. Very much. You were my best friend for over six years; of course it would hurt to find out that you're throwing our friendship away over something like this.
I can't force you to change your mind, but I can ask you. If you really feel that you can't be friends with me anymore because of your beliefs and how you were raised, then our friendship is over, and I will respect your decision. But I'm still the same person I always have been. At least, I think I'm the same.
I miss you.
Love, Harry
Dear Severus, Professor Snape,
Why? Why are you doing this to me?
It hurts.
H.P.
Dear Draco,
You're an amazing friend, do you know that?
Even after I tell you to go away, even after I scream at you during one of my temper tantrums, even after I hit you in a fit of rage...you still give me a hug and kiss my forehead and tell me everything will be all right soon. I don't believe it, and neither do you, but it's still a bit comforting to hear.
How do you always manage to calm me when I'm upset? How do you manage to help me with my problems when I know you have some of your own?
You probably won't ever see this letter until I'm dead. Writing letters that I won't send helps me to get my feelings out. I pray to all the gods anyone believes in that you never see this letter. I'm trying, I really am, but it's hard. It's been only three weeks since that article, and Hermione, and Severus...but it feels like so much longer.
Not a day goes by when I'm not taunted by our classmates. Every day there has to be someone who gives me a dirty look, trips me in the hall, calls me a queer, threatens me, makes a rude comment, or does anything else imaginable to me. It hurts. Badly.
I've been having more nightmares. After each one, I wake up and immediately want to go to Severus, but I can't. I did once last week, but he'd changed his password. I sat under my Invisibility Cloak outside his door for hours and just cried. Why doesn't he care anymore? Why does he treat me like I'm nothing to him?
Every time I think about him, my heart feels like it's cracking a little right down the middle. It's breaking, and it's him who's breaking it, but I can't hate him for it because...because I love him. I love him more than anything. But he doesn't care anymore.
I picked up a knife last night. I dragged the blade along my arm, and blood seeped out of the cut, and I liked it. But as soon as I saw it, I dropped the knife and cried. I can't cut anymore, I know that, because you and Ron and Siri and Remus would be mad at me, and I don't want you to be mad at me. But sometimes I can't help it.
If it turns out you are reading this and I'm dead, I just want to tell you that I love you and I'm grateful for everything you've done for me. I love all of you.
Love, Harry
~~~
October 10, 1997
Every time it seemed like things were dying down after that first Daily Prophet article, another one would be published. Gossip magazines and newspapers always had something to say about the Boy Who Lived. And when the periodicals came out with bad "news" about him, the students at Hogwarts always had something to say as well.
Ron, Draco, Seamus, and Dean had taken to escorting Harry wherever he went, in fear that their friend would be insulted, threatened, or worse. At meal times, the five of them sat away from everyone else at one of the four tables. Different people occasionally joined them, offering their support to Harry and asking him how he was doing.
While Harry's friends were protecting Harry from other students, his teachers were wondering how to protect him from himself. The boy was becoming ill again, that much was obvious. He wasn't eating much anymore; not that he ate a lot to begin with. He slept little, due to insomnia and nightmares, and he constantly looked like he was in pain. But he kept up with his grades, and he was handling the Quidditch team as well as he always had.
Albus, after hearing the concern from nearly all of Harry's teachers, decided to hold a staff meeting about Harry. Everyone gathered in the staff meal room one evening.
"I think we all know why we are here," Albus announced, looking from face to face. "To discuss Mr. Potter."
His gaze lingered for a moment on Severus's sullen expression. He realized that Severus didn't look much healthier than Harry did.
"The situation is becoming quite serious, Albus," Minerva stated, softly. "I fear for the boy's mental state, and his life." Many teachers nodded their agreement.
"I quite agree, Minerva," Albus said, nodding. "But before we go any further, I think it would be a good idea for Sirius and Remus to give us a summary of what they know about their godson's condition."
"To say he's depressed would be an understatement," Remus sighed. "He's lost weight. His friends have to drag him to meals, but he eats hardly anything, and he was small enough to begin with."
"He spends most of his nights in our quarters," Sirius continued. "He doesn't talk to us a lot, but when he does, it's hardly anything. Occasionally, he'll say something completely random, and it gives us a bit of insight as to how he's feeling, but I don't think he even realizes he's speaking out loud."
"He has nightmares," Remus added. "I mean, he's always had nightmares, but not nearly as frequently as he has them now. He has trouble getting to sleep, and when he finally does fall asleep, he wakes up shortly after. When he wakes up from a nightmare, he doesn't want to go back to sleep. A couple of nights last week, he thought we were asleep, but we saw him sneak out of the room."
Minerva nodded her head at this.
"Sometimes I transform at night and go around the halls and outside, to see if anyone's out of bed. Twice, I've found him out after hours. The first time, he was sitting out by the lake. The second, I found him in the Astronomy Tower. I stayed both times until he left, just in case..." Her words trailed to an end.
"I transformed one night and followed him," Sirius told everyone. "He was under his Invisibility Cloak, but I could follow him by his scent." He paused and glanced at Severus, who was staring at the tabletop. "He went to the dungeons. He tried to get into a...certain room...but apparently the password had been changed." At this, several heads turned to look Severus's way. "He gave up trying, and then he just sat down there for hours and cried." Under his breath, Sirius muttered, "And we all know the main cause of his depression..."
There was a tense pause as Severus attempted to glare at Sirius but failed miserably. Then Remus picked up on the discussion.
"There are times when he does...little things," he said, quietly. "Little things that make us worry that he... Well, to be blunt, that he might try to commit suicide."
There was a collective gasp, and everyone stared at Remus in shock and worry. Even Severus, though he tried to mask it. Albus cleared his throat, and faces turned towards him.
"What kinds of little things, if I may ask?"
"At random times, he'll just say 'I love you' to one of us," Sirius elaborated. "He does it with Draco and Ron, as well. Like, he'll be sitting on the sofa, doing his homework, and then he'll just look at me and tell me he loves me. And sometimes he just goes into a trance, staring at things that could be used to hurt him: knives and such."
"And there's a book that we have, it was Harry's favorite book when he was a baby," Remus continued. "Well, a few nights ago, he apparently couldn't sleep, so he came into our room. He had the book with him, and he didn't say a word. He just lay down between us in the bed and gave me the book so I could read it to him. When I finished, he hugged both of us like it was the last time he'd see us."
"Mum got a letter from him last week," Charlie cut in. "He was thanking her for everything she'd done for him and for making him feel like he was part of the family. It was quite sudden, so you can imagine her concern for him."
"He's always coughing, sneezing, or throwing up," Sirius sighed. "And shivering. That's a big thing. He wears at least two layers of clothes under his robes, and we still have to put Warming Charms on him. We have to charm his bedsheets every night, even though he has the fireplace in his room. He's just always cold. And then it seems like he has a constant pain in his chest. He always has his hand there, like right over his heart." Albus's eyes brightened a little at that. "He doesn't complain of anything, but he looks like he's in a lot of pain."
"Albus, what do you think we should do?" asked Filius Flitwick.
"I think," Albus said, slowly, "that we should give it another week or so. Sirius, Remus, keep trying to persuade him to eat. Get a Sleeping Draught from Poppy for him. Everyone else, observe him and report to me any behavior that concerns you. If, after a week, he hasn't improved, then we may have to resort to keeping him in the infirmary."
~~~
After the staff meeting, Severus retreated down to his dungeons. He entered his quarters and headed for the kitchen, discarding his cloak on the floor as he walked. Once in the kitchen, he looked through his mail on the table. He had three letters.
Snape,
If my godson kills himself over you, I will kill you with my bare hands. We both know you're the main reason for how miserable he's been. I don't like you, but I like seeing Harry so upset even less. He loves you, you stupid bastard. Stop hurting him like this.
S. Black
Uncle Severus,
Please do something! You can't possibly be taking pleasure in treating him this way. I know it's hurting you, too, but it's hurting him worse!
He's getting really bad, Severus, and it's scaring me. Please, do something.
Draco
Dear Severus, Professor Snape,
Why? Why are you doing this to me?
It hurts.
H.P.
I'm so sorry, Harry, but it has to be done, Severus thought, miserably.
He then went over to his alcohol rack, exploring its contents.
Wine, no. Muggle beer, definitely not. I'd have to drink twenty bottles of the stuff before becoming inebriated. Firewhiskey, yes. With this stuff, I can get properly pissed.
It was a Friday night, after all. No classes in the morning.
Besides, I deserve a hangover.
Severus grabbed three large bottles of Odgen's Firewhiskey and went into 'Harry and Draco's room.' He removed his shoes and, being the fluffy and sentimental bastard he was when he was upset, he climbed under the blankets on Harry's bed. Popping open a bottle of the firewhiskey, he curled up in the bed and hugged one of Harry's pillows tightly. Once again, he began to have one of those conversations with his conscience.
"It has to be done. I'm not what he needs, and he'll be fine."
Could have fooled me.
"I am you. But there will only be problems if he and I are together."
He wants you. He loves you.
"I want him. I love him. But I'm not good enough for him."
Why don't you let him decide that?
"He's too young to know what he wants. It's better this way."
Unless he ends up killing himself.
"Which I pray to infinite he doesn't..."
What will you do if he does?
"He won't. I won't let him."
Then love him. Tell him you love him. Don't let it sit.
A short while later, Severus dropped a third empty bottle to the floor as he passed out, his hand resting over his heart as his face contorted into a look of pain.
