Of The Bloke in The Mirror



Diamond checked herself in the mirror for the thousandth time that morning. She sighed and nervously twiddled with her hair. Her dress was immaculate, as always, and the palest shade of blue. She wasn't used to wearing very much jewellery, but the sapphire necklace and circlet had been a gift from Pippin - apparently they'd belonged to some Elven-Princess long ago - and looked so regal that she hardly recognised herself.

Malva was bustling around the Hole, doing last-minute arrangements and gently herding well - wishing relatives out of the door with a 'Yes, thank you, Mistress Bracegirdle, I'm sure Diamond's dying to hear your advice on what to do on wedding-nights, but right now we've got a cheesecake to attend to '.

'Hell, Malva, I know I'm a rubbish cook but I didn't think I'd ever be so daft as to make a salad with the caterpillars still in,' said Diamond with a faint smile.

'Eh?', replied Malva, bemused.

'Well, I feel like my stomach's full of butterflies,' explained Diamond.

'Look, trust me on this. You'll be just fine. He's a great guy, and the worst thing about him is just a tendency to do his shirt up wrong nine times out of ten and forget to comb his toes most mornings. You.um, well, you have so much in common!'

Diamond was just working out whether or not to take this as a compliment when an elderly friend called out:

'If it don't work and 'ees a complete bastard, you can always divorce 'im and get 'alf 'is money, the rich whatsit!'.

'That will do, Mistress Bolger' cried Malva, ushering her out the door as Diamond started wailing.

-------------------------------

'My friend, today you lose your freedom, as a.' began Merry solemnly.

'Eh? Whit aire ye bletherin' aboot, ye nutter ? Awa' aind chase yerself!' replied Pip playfully.

It was likely his friend still wasn't quite up to scratch anyway. It was customary in Hobbiton to hold a party of some description the night before a wedding. Or two parties, rather. For most people these were fairly casual affairs, like your average birthday party.

However, there were some people who held the sort of wild bunfight where the host ended up glued to one of the market stalls at four in the morning. Not mentioning any names-Master Took. And although everybody who'd been there claimed they'd had a thumping good time (after their headaches had subsided), not all of them could remember what had happened.

Diamond's party had been a little less crazed, but the essence of her partying was this:

One drink- she's Pippin's

Two drinks - she's Merry's

Three drinks - she's anybody's

Four drinks - she's nobody's

And as long as she kept that in mind nothing catastrophic usually happened.

Anyway, Pippin had considered this and held the parties a few days in advance. Even so, Merry still had a tendency to walk in slight zigzags if he wasn't concentrating.

Pip took one final look, straightening his scarf and hoping to hell he didn't look as crazed as the bloke in the mirror did, and followed Merry out of the door to the Party Field.