Wow! I've been gone longer than I thought! Oiy. Sorry bout that, my soul was devoured by my Gamecube over the holiday break. ^_^; Meh...yeah. I have no clue when Shadole or anything else will be updated. It won't be months and months and months though. I'll tell ya when the time is near.
Disclaimer: Don't take anything offensive here. If the rape thing offends you, remember that this is a story and nothing more and that is meant to be for humor. If you get all 'politically correct' on me, I'll apologize but I'll be a tid bit annoyed. Oh, and I don't own Spam.
Chapter 5
Dib-ario looked around, the snow sparkling all around him. He had to squint to see anything. A large penguin had informed him that her baby was lost in the snow.
"Oh my poor youngin'!" the fat blue penguin had screamed. "Lost in the snow, all by her lonesome! She is too beautiful to perish...just like me! Oh help!"
Dib-ario hadn't really paid any attention to her, but she had grabbed him by his large head and shook him about, screaming profanities at him until he had agreed.
"Thank you, suga'. Maybe when you find my sweet little baby, we can get to know each other a little more..," she had said as she batted her eyelashes at him. Dib-ario had stared at her for a while, then slowly backed away, his disgusted expression stuck on his face.
"How the heck am I supposed to find a little penguin in a snow storm anyway?" Dib-ario said to himself, and he rubbed his eyes. "I'll probably get snow blindness before I find the stupid runt."
"Mommy!" somebody yelled in the distance.
"What was that?" Dib-ario said, and he started to walk in that direction.
"Mommy, help me!" It was a girl's voice. Dib-ario quickened his pace.
"Mommy, save me!" Dib-ario raced up a hill and finally saw who the voice belonged to. It was a small penguin, and it looked just like the fat one he had met earlier, only smaller. It was waddling around in circles, and by the footprints left in the snow, Dib-ario could tell that it had been waddling in the same circle for a few hours.
"Excuse me, little penguin girl?" Dib-ario asked the penguin.
"What you want, sucka'?" the little penguin replied, her voice sharp and angry. "Are you lost?" Dib-ario asked.
"My mama says not to talk to fat bellied Italians with greasy mustaches," the little girl replied happily. She continued walking in her small circle, clucking as she went. It took Dib-ario a little while to recover from her insult.
"...uh, yeah. Well, your mama is awfully worried about you. She sent me to find you," Dib-ario said kindly, and he smiled weakly.
"Mama says that perverted child molesters talk like you do," the penguin said, and she giggled. "Mama says if a stranger like you talks to me and won't leave me alone, I should scream rape at the top of my lungs!" She stared up at Dib-ario for a moment, her large green eyes taking up over half her face. "...RAPE! RAPE! OH, RAPE!" she screamed, flailing her wings insanely.
"Knock it off!" Dib-ario yelled angrily, and he clamped her beak shut with his hand. A murmured scream came from her beak. "Look, I'm just trying to help you. You're mother really did send me here, so please just cooperate with me for a little while," Dib-ario said, and he picked the penguin girl up. "Are you going to be a good girl?" he asked gently. The little penguin nodded gingerly. Dib-ario sighed and let the penguin's beak go.
"I'm being raped by a greasy plumber! HELP!" she screamed.
Just at that moment, two police penguins had been at the foot of the hill Dib-ario and the little penguin girl were at the top of. The fattest one heard the scream for help. He hit his partner on the shoulder and pointed to the top of the hill. They nodded at each other, then started to run up the hill. Chase music began to play
"Augh! You stupid penguin of evil!" Dib-ario yelled at the little penguin, who giggled and clapped her flippers together. Dib-ario tucked her under his arm like a football, then ran down the other side of the hill before the cops could get to the top. He tripped over a snow drift and fell on his pudgy belly and slid across the snow like a sled.
"Wee-hee-heee!" the little penguin cried from under Dib-ario's arm. Eventually the hill they were sliding down got too steep, and Dib-ario flew off of it into the empty space.
"WAAA!" Dib-ario screamed as he flew through the emptiness. He heard BowZim laugh in the distance, and he blacked out.
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"Lost another life, huh?" Tak said angrily, looking at Dib-ario with disgust. She shook her head, then walked to the corner of the room, pulling a magazine from thin air. "What's so hard about finding a stupid penguin?"
"This penguin is EVIL! EVIIIIIIL!" Dib-ario said, lying on the floor with his arms outstretched. "She screams every time I pick her up or talk to her. She's a freak!" Dib-ario sat up and put his hands over his face. "How can I get her to trust me?"
"Go on a diet and take a shower," Tak said, and she snickered. Dib-ario gave her a quick glare, then rubbed at his chin, thinking. There was a long moment of silence. A clock ticked. Tak turned the page of her magazine. Dib-ario rubbed his chin until it turned red.
"Dress up like a can of Spam, you stupid retard!" the author screamed at them impatiently. "Don't you know penguins love Spam?! Everyone knows that!" She sighed in annoyance. "Can't I have one chapter without saying anything?! You're SO pathetic!"
"HEY! We didn't wanna come here in the first place! Don't you point at us with you index finger!" Dib-ario yelled at the author. Tak just shrugged, not paying attention.
"First of all, I'm not pointing, and second of all, I wouldn't use my index finger to point at you anyway. So, nyah," the author replied.
"Besides, penguins don't eat Spam! They eat fish! How could they open a can of Spam in the first place?! They don't got fingers! Nobody likes Spam!" Dib-ario rambled on.
"I LIKE SPAM!" the author cried defensively.
"Are you evil, or insane, or just stupid?!"
"Stuvilsane."
".....What?"
"Ha! You are confused, so yes, I win."
"...I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" Dib-ario screamed, and he ran around in circles for a little while, waving his arms like a chimpanzee. Then he jumped back into the painting of the penguin.
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Dib-ario walked around in the snow, searching for the little penguin once again. He had a fish in one of his pockets, a can of Spam in the other. He was planning to bribe the penguin to come with him.
"Here little penguiny penguin...where are you, you sweet little overweight pigeon of pain and darkness? Come to Uncle Dib-ario before he crushes your skull in!" Dib-ario cried out cheerfully. He tripped over something and fell into a big pile of snow. "Stupid log!" he said angrily, and he kicked whatever he had tripped over. It gave out a cry of pain.
"What the..?" Dib-ario said, and he knelt down over the thing and started moving the snow off of it. It was the little penguin girl, her blue feathers almost white. She shivered in the cold. Her eyes were closed. Dib-ario stared at her for a while, feeling guilty. After a moment, he picked her up and cradled her.
"Poor little evil thing," Dib-ario said to himself, feeling like a jerk. He started walking down a large hill, the snow blowing around him and in his eyes. He shielded the little penguin the best he could. Soon it became to slippery to walk, and Dib-ario slipped and fell on his hiney. Heh...hiney. The author laughed insanely in her castle.
Dib-ario slid down the hill until he was on flat land. He got up and walked a little while until he came to a bridge. The snow was clearing up now, and he could see more clearly. There were two snowmen with sticks sticking out of them. They had no arms. They were jumping around on the bridge.
As Dib-ario approached the bridge and went to cross it, one snowman came up to him, yelling.
"You're not thinking of crossing 'ere, are ya laddie?" the snowman asked angrily. "Because if you are, I'm gonna hafta stop ya now. And I'll be extra angry, cause I don't get paid extra for beating people to a bloody pulp now."
Dib-ario stared at him. "Uhh...I gotta get this penguin to her mom. I think she's sick," he said, holding out the penguin. "Please let me pass. It's an emergency."
"Ha ha ha!" the snowman laughed. "Emergency? There are no emergencies 'ere!"
"What if she dies?" Dib-ario asked, frustration showing in his voice.
"A what if is a what if, sonny boy. If we spent all our time 'ere ifing, we'd be dead before we got to do anything," the snowman replied. "Now I'm gonna hafta ask you to leave." The snowman motioned with his eyes to the broom, which Dib-ario now realized was a weapon.
"But she needs to get to her mom! Her mom is worried sick!" Dib-ario said angrily.
Violin music started to play, and the snowman's coal eyes welled with tears. "When I was young...my mama...she made cookies...I never got none...she gave all the other kids some..." The snowman burst out crying. "Mama didn't love me!" His tears turned to snowflakes. Dib-ario watched him with annoyance. He put the penguin down on the ground, then took the snowman's coal eyes off his face and threw them as far as he could.
"AAAIIA!" the snowman screamed, and then his head fell off and melted for some reason. A coin came out of him. Dib-ario ignored it, picked up the penguin girl, and ran across the bridge before the other snowman could notice.
Dib-ario continued running down a few hills until he reached the mama penguin's little next. The mama was threatening a policeman with a can of spray deodorant.
"FIND MY BABY, OR YOU'LL SMELL LEMONY FRESH!" she screamed, and the policeman ran away. Dib-ario slowly approached her, holding the little penguin out in front of him.
"Uh...Miss Penguin? I've found you're daughter," Dib-ario said, and he laid the little penguin by the big penguin's feet. The mama picked up the little penguin, and she began to cry.
"My poor, frozen baby! What has this smelly plumber done to you?" she cried, and she smacked Dib-ario across the face. Dib-ario rubbed at his smacked face and glared at the penguin. "She's frozen solid! She needs Spam!" the mama said, and she began to cry again.
"I've got Spam, ma'am," Dib-ario said, pulling out the can. He opened it and handed it to the penguin, who fed it to her daughter. The little penguin ate it, and her color returned to normal and she woke up, yawning.
"Thank you!" the mama penguin said, and she picked Dib-ario up and hugged him tight. Dib-ario felt his spine crack as she squeezed him. When she finally put him down, she threw a star at him. "Thank you so much, sir. Come back now, ya hear?"
Dib-ario grabbed the star, winked at the penguins, and was sucked into another spinny portal thingy.
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No BowZim or Poison in this chapter. Sorry if you were disappointed.
-Crystal
