A/N: Just wanted to make a comment. One of the reviews said Rory was way out of character because she has her head on straight. Which I assume means they think she wouldn't ever attempt suicide. But this is based on personal experience, and from that experience I can say that I had my head on straight and I was mature and sensible. But I started to suffer from depression, which is a mental illness. It doesn't really care how old, sensible or smart you are. Just wanted to comment on that incase anyone else was wondering the same thing.
** Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters of Gilmore Girls. If I were that all powerful then Jess would be staying put! So, in summation... Please don't sue me!**
January 2001
Lorelai had left for work. Rory was slumped against the wall of the kitchen,
just outside her bedroom.
I can't, I can't go back to school… I don't want to see any of them.
I don't want to see anyone. Rory thought. Her eyes were wide. She hugged
her knees to her chest. I don't want them to see me.
She started gasping for breath. It scared her. She'd never felt like she was
going to run out of oxygen before.
She stood up and held onto the back of one of the chairs. Breathe…
Breathe…
She looked up. Her eyes went straight to the stairs.
Rory looked at herself in the bathroom mirror. She had her mother's eyes. Only
her mother's eyes smiled a lot more than hers lately. She had sad eyes.
She opened the cabinet door, looking at the bottles and boxes on the shelves.
Lorelai had rid the house of anything that could actually be consumed and do
damage. But after Rory had finished therapy, Lorelai had loosened up a bit.
After a day of working with Michel, she needed Advil around.
She reached out and lifted the bottle off of the shelf. She hadn't taken any
kind of pills since that night. She'd refused anti-depressants. Mostly because
she didn't want to rely on a pill to make her happy. She wanted to feel it
naturally, and she was scared that she wouldn't ever be happy if she stopped
taking them. But also because she still couldn't get the feel of the pills out
of her mouth.
She headed back down stairs with the bottle in her hand. She knew she needed to
speak to someone. But she didn't feel like anyone understood, and Jenny
couldn't see her for another 2 weeks.
She sat in her room, and her eyes fell on her lap top.
Rory stared at it for a minute, trying to pick one thought out of all of the
ones rushing through her mind. She stood up and walked over to it, opening it
and starting it up. She plugged the cord into the phone line and connected to
the Internet.
Yahoo! dumped her in advice chat room 9. She sat and watched other people
talking for a while. Half of them weren't looking for advice, and some of them
were making up stupid scenario's in which they might need advice. Her eyes
wandered back to the Advil bottle she'd put next to the laptop.
The IM that flashed up on the screen surprised her.
Jmariano: Hi. You're quiet.
She looked at it for a few minutes. Not knowing if she wanted to reply or not.
She started typing.
Lorelai_Leigh: I don't have much to say.
She felt that she was lying, but this stranger hadn't done anything to warrant
more.
Jmariano: Wanna' talk?
Lorelai_Leigh: Why? Do you wanna' listen?
Jmariano: Try me.
Rory looked back at the pills and sighed.
Lorelai_Leigh: Ever get the feeling that no one understands?
Jmariano: Constantly. You?
Lorelai_Leigh: Everyday. From the minute I wake up, till the minute I go
to bed. Not that I do much sleeping when I get there. So it's pretty much
24/7.
Jmariano: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, but I
prefer to go on first name terms. I'm Jess if it helps.
She hesitated. Her name? What harm could it do…
Lorelai_Leigh: I'm Lorelai. But, everyone calls me Rory.
Jmariano: Nice to meet you Rory. But, back to your problem. Why do you
feel like no one understands?
Lorelai_Leigh: I don't know. They're not me, I guess. My friends, my
family… none of them know what I'm feeling.
Jmariano: Tried telling them?
Lorelai_Leigh: Yes. It's not something you can put into words.
Jmariano: Can you… type it into words?
Can I? She sighed and looked at the keyboard in front of her. Before she
realized it, 10 minutes had passed.
Jmariano: You can tell me. I'll listen.
Lorelai_Leigh: I feel… scared. I don't want to be here anymore. I
feel like everyone is laughing at me. When I go out, it's like they're all
staring at me. I feel so alone, and I don't understand why. I just want it to
be over.
Jmariano: Over?
Lorelai_Leigh: Yeah. As in 'bye bye world'.
Jmariano: Oh.
Lorelai_Leigh: Sorry.
Jmariano: Don't be. I just couldn't think of anything appropriate to
say.
Lorelai_Leigh: Ever see Titanic?
Jmariano: Once.
Lorelai_Leigh: Remember that scene where Kate Winslet is standing on the
end of the boat wanting to jump. That's how I feel.
Jmariano: Standing at a great precipice, with no one to pull you back?
Lorelai_Leigh: Sounds about right.
Jmariano: Need a hand?
Lorelai_Leigh: What?
Jmariano: To pull you back.
Lorelai_Leigh: Yeah.
Jmariano: I've got two.
Rory smiled slightly.
Lorelai_Leigh: You don't know me.
Jmariano: Well… Leo DiCaprio didn't know that Rose chick either, but
he still helped her out.
Lorelai_Leigh: I guess.
She felt different some how. Like she finally had someone who might just
understand.
Jmariano: You jump, I jump.
Lorelai_Leigh: Not the best idea.
Jmariano: Does it hold you back?
Lorelai_Leigh: I don't know. How would you know if I did 'jump'?
Jmariano: Well, since you're now going to be e-mailing me daily, I
think that when you stop e-mailing me for a week or so, then I might figure it
out.
Lorelai_Leigh: Who said I was e-mailing you daily?
Jmariano: You wanted help. I'm helping. You jump, I jump.
Lorelai_Leigh: I don't know if I can agree to that.
Jmariano: No one's asking you to. My e-mail address is in my profile.
Use it.
Lorelai_Leigh: I will. Thank you.
Jmariano: Talk to you later Rory.
Lorelai_Leigh: Bye Jess.
He was gone.
She opened his profile and clicked on his e-mail address. A blank e-mail
addressed to him came up.
Hey Jess,
It's Rory. I just wanted to thank you for talking to me. It was really great of
you, I don't feel any different, but I felt better talking to you. Sorry if I
depressed you.
Thanks again,
Rory
She clicked to send it, and then shut down her laptop. She lay back on her bed,
still staring at the bottle of pills across the room.
She went over and picked them up, pouring a few into the palm of her hand and
looking at them.
Putting them back in the bottle, she returned them to their shelf in the
bathroom cabinet and looked at herself in the mirror.
Not today anyway. She smiled softly at herself and walked away.
