Truer Words Never Spoken
By Lori Bush
~**~
Feedback: lwbush@charter.net
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, etc. owns Buffy. You know the routine.
Summary: Xander went to Hell to find Buffy. Here's his POV on what he did find.
Pairing: B/S - sort of.
Rated: PG-13
Continuity: Through "Once More, With Feeling" plus slight spoilers of what's next.
Author's Notes: This has been done for a while, but you know how Life goes.
This is the sequel to "Famous Last Words," and "Word To The Wise." It might not make a lot of sense if you haven't read them, since some things that aren't exactly fleshed out here are explained there. The next story may be a while.
I don't think anyone gets bashed here, except the entire Season Six storyline, so far. Willow's not real nice.
Dedication: Still for Jen (Saturn Girl), since she so likes to see DeadXander.
~**~
My first thought when I arrived here was that I shouldn't be surprised that Hell looked so much like Sunnydale. It's not like they sit too far apart, cosmically speaking.
My second thought was that I needed to find Buffy and get out, before I found out how much worse than the real thing this place could be.
My third thought was - Did I just walk right through that signpost?
I walked back, and tried again. I sure did - passed through without a scratch. Weird. It seemed that I was only sort of here. Which, if this was really Hell, probably wasn't such a bad thing.
When I'd insisted on coming to bring Buffy back, everyone had objected. Giles had pointed out my lack of fighting skills - not that, he assured me, he thought me helpless, but God alone knew what I might be up against here.
Tara was afraid my spirit might become warped, entering Hell voluntarily and all. That led to brief expository moment, where Giles, Willow, Dawn and I took turns explaining about Buffy's previous visit to Hell (or a Hell dimension, which, now that I'm here, I think there may be more than one of, since it's nothing like she described, or what Angel dropped a couple of hints and then went all cryptic about).
Willow was afraid that it might be better if someone with magical power went, until Giles reminded her that someone with magical power might set off some kind of alarm system, thwarting their ability to sneak in and back out with Buffy in tow. Or it was possible that Hell might dampen magical powers, in which case, my physical size would give me some strength advantage over her or Tara. (Gotta love the way he can damn me with faint praise, doncha?)
Spike, we all agreed, was dead. He couldn't go. You don't send the dead to Hell and really expect them to come back - it was already sufficiently against natural law that he was still walking around, but vampires are differently dead. Heh - that makes it almost sound politically correct. Angel always was an exception to a lot of the vampire rules, so we didn't even consider him as precedent. Anyway, Dawn needed Spike. He was almost all she had left now Buffy was gone, although we all loved her like she was our own and she knew it. She still clung to Spike, and he was pretty much the big brother with fangs and teeth that you always hoped your new crush didn't have. At least, you hoped that if you lived in Sunnydale.
Giles tried again to argue that he should go, with his superior fighting skills and all (*he* thinks - geez) but I shut him down. From the moment we began discussing the plan, I knew I was coming here to bring Buffy back. Only Anya didn't fight me on it, because she'd known my plans for a long time. I wish my *last* ex-girlfriend had been nearly so supportive after we broke up.
Still, I have to admit, being here and all walking-through-solid-objects like, I wouldn't mind a little of Giles' arcane knowledge about now. If this is literally Sunny-Hell, though, I wonder if they have a Giles and a Magic Box here, too. I guess there's only one way to find out. I head that way.
Everything here *looks* the same. There's the Sun, and the ice-cream shop. And there, just like home, is the Magic Box. I try to open the door, but my hand passes right through the doorknob, so I shrug and just walk inside anyway. This could come in handy sometimes. I woulda loved it in high school.
Hmmph. Anya and the G-man must be out or in the back or something, 'cos Willow and Tara are at the helm here. It seems I'm the only customer right now, too. "Hey," I wave, trying to act casual. Maybe there's another Xander in this Sunnydale, and he can walk through solid doors, too. No need to advertise that I'm not from this dimension.
They're ignoring me. Tara's crying. "You know what you did was wrong. She killed him, and you don't even seem to care anymore."
Jesus, that expression Willow has on is *scary.* "Shut up, bitch. She named him as her price to help me keep you in line. Apparently, Anyanka still has issues with men. She promised not to kill you, but you might wish she had, if you act out again." I've never heard my best friend snarl before.
I can't help myself - my mouth always has acted independent of my brain, and I'm not thinking about how this scary Willow, who could summon a long- gone demon and had apparently done so to keep her girlfriend from talking back, could hurt me, too. "Willow, did you use the talisman? Anya told me about it, so I know how D'Hoffryn wanted you to work with him." I've gotta talk her down - I could always get through to my Willow, this one can't be that different. "I mean, I know you're not all that into guys yourself, but with the spirit of Anyanka in ya. Oh, God, Will this is so not you! I can go get Anya, we can find a way to destroy the power source - you can't do this!" I'm screaming the last few words - how can they still be ignoring me?
But I can't take time to figure that out, since the door just slammed open, and Dawn came in. She's dressed sloppily, and obviously has a serious attitude. "Queen Slayer and my juvie officer both seem to think I need to check in with somebody after school each day, so here I am. Feel free to ignore me and look down on me - it'll make me feel right at home." And they do. They don't even seem to notice she's there, although I do finally catch Tara giving her a shy smile that Dawn misses entirely, since she's buried her nose in a schoolbook.
I consider pulling out a chair and sitting down with the Dawnster, but I quickly remember the futility of trying *that*. So I stroll over and squat down beside her. "Will I do? You used to like getting my full and total attention."
And she ignores me, too. What'd I do? Either the Xander Harris here is a bigger jerk then I've ever known, or they can't see or hear me, and either way, I want to know why. Because if *they* can't or won't hear me, then Buffy might not, either, and I'm gonna have to find another way to let her know we're trying to get her home. If I'm a jackass - 'scuse me, a bigger jackass than I sometimes manage to be when I do stuff without thinking first - here, then she might not take me seriously. I try again. "Dawn?" I don't think she can hear me. Shit.
This changes everything. I'm nobody here - no one can see or hear me, and Buffy might not be able to either. I know Willow was going to give me a little while, then try and bring her back. My job was to warn her and stay with her until the spell went through, and I'd be drawn back with her, since I originated from there, not here, just like her. I wonder - her body stayed behind, not aging, not decaying, not breathing. It was part of what Willow said would draw Buffy back to our dimension. Where's mine? Still there, or lost in the ether someplace? One of those details I kinda wish I'd asked about beforehand.
This reminds me of that Halloween the Fear Demon made me think I was invisible, and I shudder involuntarily. One of my worst nightmares, but one I thought I'd left behind lately. Now it's happening here - and the first point on the scoreboard goes to Hell. Since I can't figure out what to do next, I go back to eavesdropping on Wills and Tara.
"She probably sent her to us so she could go be with Spike. Ever since she admitted we pulled her from heaven, she's spent all her time there. She could at least show some gratitude that I tried to bring her back from Hell, even if I was wrong about where she was." Good Lord, this Willow is a whiney person. And - pulled her from heaven? Who? Buffy? No way. If that's what Buffy came here thinking, this place was even more hellacious for her. Gotta find her. I step outside.
Where first? I'll try her house. I really can't believe she'd sink low enough to spend her free time with Spike. Even though he's improved these past few months, his devotion to Dawn being the main point in his favor, I know that after the whole Buffy-bot thing, the Slayer was pretty freaked by him for a while. Besides, she has other, real friends she can turn to, none of which have ever tried to kill her, even once. Although this scary Willow here, she could have, I guess. But there's still me, and An, and Giles, and. Well, Dawn didn't seem too cheer inducing, from what I saw of her. Certainly not the little ray of sunshine I know. But still, if Buffy's unhappy here, which I'm thinking is the whole point of her being here in Hell and all, she's at least got others she can rely on. Okay, she and An haven't ever been close, but that still leaves me and Giles. Wonder if Joyce is still alive in this dimension? Probably not - that would make at least one thing less Hell-like for Buffy here.
Here we are - I scoff at locks! It's odd - I've already stopped marveling at walking through walls. Buffy's not on the main level. Not in the basement - she's got new piping down there, though. Dawn's room upstairs looks the same, and so does Buffy's, pretty much. She's not in either one. Hmm - from the photos, stuffed animals and magic books and supplies, I'd say Wills and Tara have moved into the master bedroom here. Weirdness again. That's Giles' room, back home. No Buffy anywhere, though.
It's not a long walk over to my own apartment, and I admit to being curious as to what the me that lives in this dimension is like. Is he still together with Anya? Does he work construction? It's too tempting not to peek inside his life.
When I get to the apartment door, I see yellow "Crime Scene - Do Not Enter" tape strapped across it. I've got a bad feeling about this. Of course, I don't even disturb the stuff as I walk through it.
There's blood - lots and lots of it. It's dried all over the dining table, and down around the edges on the floor, where it ran off and pooled. I can only hope a goat was ritually sacrificed here, 'cos otherwise, somebody probably died in my dining area, and that's not a warm and cozy feeling. They could have lived and been taken to the hospital, I suppose, but the only way anyone could lose that much blood and still be walking around, I'm thinking, is for them to develop 'sunlight allergies.' And if that were the case, the 'carrier' wouldn't have wasted their dinner this way. There are splotches of more blood scattered around the room, but I'm not sure I want to stay and examine them. In fact, I'm sure I don't. I'm gone.
I may slip through stuff, but my stomach sure feels solid as I stop outside to get a grip. Can apparitions vomit? I may be about to find out. Deep breath in. Whew. Exhale. Better, now. The tears in my eyes are real enough, it seems. Somebody was killed there. In my apartment. Chances are it was me, or the me that's me here. Or maybe Anya, which is worse. Just because she broke our engagement doesn't mean I want her gone. In fact, we still get along great - I wouldn't want her gone anyway. But if we're still engaged here.
I'm going back to the Magic Box. If Buffy's in Spike's crypt, it would be one more shock than I could handle right about now. And the shop would be the most likely place for me to find out about what happened here, too. God, I never thought I'd need so badly to talk to the stuffy English guy, but I could kiss Giles if I saw him right now. He'd know, have some idea.
I slide inside, noticing that Tara is the only one up front now. She looks so terrified - twitching nervously and checking over her shoulder all the time. She's always been a bit on the timid side, but now she looks like the sound of a strong wind outside might cause her to jump out of her skin. I want to help her so much, but I know I can't, and it's like a knife in my gut.
I head back into the bookshelves, looking for something that can help me figure out what's happening here. Not like I could do much - I can't pick up the volumes or turn the pages. Still, I'm carefully studying the spines, so carefully, I don't notice that I'm about to run into someone who's standing very still, listening for something. "Ooops," I cry, and jump back. Funny thing is, he jumps back, too, like he's seen me. I've walked right through a couple of people on the street, especially on the way back here after seeing the carnage in my apartment, and they never noticed. How come this guy jumped? He looks up, and I know he sees me. "Spike," I hiss.
He's rarely looked shocked, but if I had to place a name on his expression, I'd give it that one. "What the bloody hell? You're dead."
"No, that would be you," I sneer. I'm a bit snarkier than usual, what with the bloodstained version of interior decorating at my place and all.
"I saw ya. Or what there was left. That demon chippy of yours did nice work. A real artist." He stares at me while I know incomprehension dances across my face. Finally he throws his hands in the air. "Blimey, another brain-dead apparition. Death's so traumatic, they block it out and spend the rest of eternity wandering around wondering why nobody talks to them anymore. I've met enough ghosts in me time to 'ave seen it before. They're boring as hell."
Wait a minute. Dead. He says I'm dead. Demon chippy? Anya? Willow mentioned Anyanka.
Suddenly there are these memories, flooding my brain. Sight, sound, glorious Technicolor. Anya morphing into her demon face, and that - thing - telling me I'd pay for my disloyalty. I'd have to pay for making her forget that men were scum, and then reminding her by being afraid to announce our engagement. Anyanka screaming that Anya knew I wanted Buffy, and I always had, and that was why I didn't want to tell her we were engaged. I can feel the cold of the chains; hear the snap of my arm breaking. I smell the vomit from my response to her ripping out my eyeball. And I try to tell myself this never really happened, but it feels so real. Every memory is as vivid and agonizing as if I were really there, or maybe I'm there right now and it's happening to me. Finally I find out one new thing - a ghost can pass out.
I claw my way back to consciousness, dizzy and breathless. Spike's standing nearby, and notices me stirring. "I din' know ghosts could faint," he observes disinterestedly, echoing my last thought before it happened. "It's been a laugh, standin' here and watchin' people walk through you, though."
"You could have dragged me out of the middle of the aisle," I complain, sitting up and brushing the non-existent dust off my clothes.
He shrugged. "Tried. Seems I can see and hear you, but I can't touch you - my hands pass right through."
"Why *can* you see me, anyway? Nobody else can, apparently."
"I think it's a dead thing. I've met lotsa ghosts in my time." He tries to look casual again, but I can tell his next statement is important to him. "You hadn't seen the Slayer in yer travels about here, 'ave you?"
She's not with him. Thank you God, she's not with him. He's continuing, unaware of my silent prayer. "I woke up, an' she'd disappeared. I've been listenin' to Red the Wicked and her shadow to see if they had a clue where she'd gone, but so far, no." He woke up - she'd been sleeping there. Last straw.
This isn't real, I don't belong here. No - I'm dead, and my ex-girlfriend killed me. Actually, my fiancée. She's gone back to being a demon, which breaks my heart, because she was finally getting better at being human. The people I love are all in trouble - Buffy's repeating every mistake she ever made in her relationship with Angel, although this time, she chose a vamp that didn't have a soul to lose from the start. Willow's become some kind of evil magic girl. Tara's beaten down to a mere shell. Dawn obviously has problems, too. All my girls are suffering, and I can't touch them, or talk to them about it, or help them in any way. And if Buffy is gone already, I may be stuck here forever, watching them suffer.
And this is just my first day in Hell. I can hardly wait.
By Lori Bush
~**~
Feedback: lwbush@charter.net
Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, etc. owns Buffy. You know the routine.
Summary: Xander went to Hell to find Buffy. Here's his POV on what he did find.
Pairing: B/S - sort of.
Rated: PG-13
Continuity: Through "Once More, With Feeling" plus slight spoilers of what's next.
Author's Notes: This has been done for a while, but you know how Life goes.
This is the sequel to "Famous Last Words," and "Word To The Wise." It might not make a lot of sense if you haven't read them, since some things that aren't exactly fleshed out here are explained there. The next story may be a while.
I don't think anyone gets bashed here, except the entire Season Six storyline, so far. Willow's not real nice.
Dedication: Still for Jen (Saturn Girl), since she so likes to see DeadXander.
~**~
My first thought when I arrived here was that I shouldn't be surprised that Hell looked so much like Sunnydale. It's not like they sit too far apart, cosmically speaking.
My second thought was that I needed to find Buffy and get out, before I found out how much worse than the real thing this place could be.
My third thought was - Did I just walk right through that signpost?
I walked back, and tried again. I sure did - passed through without a scratch. Weird. It seemed that I was only sort of here. Which, if this was really Hell, probably wasn't such a bad thing.
When I'd insisted on coming to bring Buffy back, everyone had objected. Giles had pointed out my lack of fighting skills - not that, he assured me, he thought me helpless, but God alone knew what I might be up against here.
Tara was afraid my spirit might become warped, entering Hell voluntarily and all. That led to brief expository moment, where Giles, Willow, Dawn and I took turns explaining about Buffy's previous visit to Hell (or a Hell dimension, which, now that I'm here, I think there may be more than one of, since it's nothing like she described, or what Angel dropped a couple of hints and then went all cryptic about).
Willow was afraid that it might be better if someone with magical power went, until Giles reminded her that someone with magical power might set off some kind of alarm system, thwarting their ability to sneak in and back out with Buffy in tow. Or it was possible that Hell might dampen magical powers, in which case, my physical size would give me some strength advantage over her or Tara. (Gotta love the way he can damn me with faint praise, doncha?)
Spike, we all agreed, was dead. He couldn't go. You don't send the dead to Hell and really expect them to come back - it was already sufficiently against natural law that he was still walking around, but vampires are differently dead. Heh - that makes it almost sound politically correct. Angel always was an exception to a lot of the vampire rules, so we didn't even consider him as precedent. Anyway, Dawn needed Spike. He was almost all she had left now Buffy was gone, although we all loved her like she was our own and she knew it. She still clung to Spike, and he was pretty much the big brother with fangs and teeth that you always hoped your new crush didn't have. At least, you hoped that if you lived in Sunnydale.
Giles tried again to argue that he should go, with his superior fighting skills and all (*he* thinks - geez) but I shut him down. From the moment we began discussing the plan, I knew I was coming here to bring Buffy back. Only Anya didn't fight me on it, because she'd known my plans for a long time. I wish my *last* ex-girlfriend had been nearly so supportive after we broke up.
Still, I have to admit, being here and all walking-through-solid-objects like, I wouldn't mind a little of Giles' arcane knowledge about now. If this is literally Sunny-Hell, though, I wonder if they have a Giles and a Magic Box here, too. I guess there's only one way to find out. I head that way.
Everything here *looks* the same. There's the Sun, and the ice-cream shop. And there, just like home, is the Magic Box. I try to open the door, but my hand passes right through the doorknob, so I shrug and just walk inside anyway. This could come in handy sometimes. I woulda loved it in high school.
Hmmph. Anya and the G-man must be out or in the back or something, 'cos Willow and Tara are at the helm here. It seems I'm the only customer right now, too. "Hey," I wave, trying to act casual. Maybe there's another Xander in this Sunnydale, and he can walk through solid doors, too. No need to advertise that I'm not from this dimension.
They're ignoring me. Tara's crying. "You know what you did was wrong. She killed him, and you don't even seem to care anymore."
Jesus, that expression Willow has on is *scary.* "Shut up, bitch. She named him as her price to help me keep you in line. Apparently, Anyanka still has issues with men. She promised not to kill you, but you might wish she had, if you act out again." I've never heard my best friend snarl before.
I can't help myself - my mouth always has acted independent of my brain, and I'm not thinking about how this scary Willow, who could summon a long- gone demon and had apparently done so to keep her girlfriend from talking back, could hurt me, too. "Willow, did you use the talisman? Anya told me about it, so I know how D'Hoffryn wanted you to work with him." I've gotta talk her down - I could always get through to my Willow, this one can't be that different. "I mean, I know you're not all that into guys yourself, but with the spirit of Anyanka in ya. Oh, God, Will this is so not you! I can go get Anya, we can find a way to destroy the power source - you can't do this!" I'm screaming the last few words - how can they still be ignoring me?
But I can't take time to figure that out, since the door just slammed open, and Dawn came in. She's dressed sloppily, and obviously has a serious attitude. "Queen Slayer and my juvie officer both seem to think I need to check in with somebody after school each day, so here I am. Feel free to ignore me and look down on me - it'll make me feel right at home." And they do. They don't even seem to notice she's there, although I do finally catch Tara giving her a shy smile that Dawn misses entirely, since she's buried her nose in a schoolbook.
I consider pulling out a chair and sitting down with the Dawnster, but I quickly remember the futility of trying *that*. So I stroll over and squat down beside her. "Will I do? You used to like getting my full and total attention."
And she ignores me, too. What'd I do? Either the Xander Harris here is a bigger jerk then I've ever known, or they can't see or hear me, and either way, I want to know why. Because if *they* can't or won't hear me, then Buffy might not, either, and I'm gonna have to find another way to let her know we're trying to get her home. If I'm a jackass - 'scuse me, a bigger jackass than I sometimes manage to be when I do stuff without thinking first - here, then she might not take me seriously. I try again. "Dawn?" I don't think she can hear me. Shit.
This changes everything. I'm nobody here - no one can see or hear me, and Buffy might not be able to either. I know Willow was going to give me a little while, then try and bring her back. My job was to warn her and stay with her until the spell went through, and I'd be drawn back with her, since I originated from there, not here, just like her. I wonder - her body stayed behind, not aging, not decaying, not breathing. It was part of what Willow said would draw Buffy back to our dimension. Where's mine? Still there, or lost in the ether someplace? One of those details I kinda wish I'd asked about beforehand.
This reminds me of that Halloween the Fear Demon made me think I was invisible, and I shudder involuntarily. One of my worst nightmares, but one I thought I'd left behind lately. Now it's happening here - and the first point on the scoreboard goes to Hell. Since I can't figure out what to do next, I go back to eavesdropping on Wills and Tara.
"She probably sent her to us so she could go be with Spike. Ever since she admitted we pulled her from heaven, she's spent all her time there. She could at least show some gratitude that I tried to bring her back from Hell, even if I was wrong about where she was." Good Lord, this Willow is a whiney person. And - pulled her from heaven? Who? Buffy? No way. If that's what Buffy came here thinking, this place was even more hellacious for her. Gotta find her. I step outside.
Where first? I'll try her house. I really can't believe she'd sink low enough to spend her free time with Spike. Even though he's improved these past few months, his devotion to Dawn being the main point in his favor, I know that after the whole Buffy-bot thing, the Slayer was pretty freaked by him for a while. Besides, she has other, real friends she can turn to, none of which have ever tried to kill her, even once. Although this scary Willow here, she could have, I guess. But there's still me, and An, and Giles, and. Well, Dawn didn't seem too cheer inducing, from what I saw of her. Certainly not the little ray of sunshine I know. But still, if Buffy's unhappy here, which I'm thinking is the whole point of her being here in Hell and all, she's at least got others she can rely on. Okay, she and An haven't ever been close, but that still leaves me and Giles. Wonder if Joyce is still alive in this dimension? Probably not - that would make at least one thing less Hell-like for Buffy here.
Here we are - I scoff at locks! It's odd - I've already stopped marveling at walking through walls. Buffy's not on the main level. Not in the basement - she's got new piping down there, though. Dawn's room upstairs looks the same, and so does Buffy's, pretty much. She's not in either one. Hmm - from the photos, stuffed animals and magic books and supplies, I'd say Wills and Tara have moved into the master bedroom here. Weirdness again. That's Giles' room, back home. No Buffy anywhere, though.
It's not a long walk over to my own apartment, and I admit to being curious as to what the me that lives in this dimension is like. Is he still together with Anya? Does he work construction? It's too tempting not to peek inside his life.
When I get to the apartment door, I see yellow "Crime Scene - Do Not Enter" tape strapped across it. I've got a bad feeling about this. Of course, I don't even disturb the stuff as I walk through it.
There's blood - lots and lots of it. It's dried all over the dining table, and down around the edges on the floor, where it ran off and pooled. I can only hope a goat was ritually sacrificed here, 'cos otherwise, somebody probably died in my dining area, and that's not a warm and cozy feeling. They could have lived and been taken to the hospital, I suppose, but the only way anyone could lose that much blood and still be walking around, I'm thinking, is for them to develop 'sunlight allergies.' And if that were the case, the 'carrier' wouldn't have wasted their dinner this way. There are splotches of more blood scattered around the room, but I'm not sure I want to stay and examine them. In fact, I'm sure I don't. I'm gone.
I may slip through stuff, but my stomach sure feels solid as I stop outside to get a grip. Can apparitions vomit? I may be about to find out. Deep breath in. Whew. Exhale. Better, now. The tears in my eyes are real enough, it seems. Somebody was killed there. In my apartment. Chances are it was me, or the me that's me here. Or maybe Anya, which is worse. Just because she broke our engagement doesn't mean I want her gone. In fact, we still get along great - I wouldn't want her gone anyway. But if we're still engaged here.
I'm going back to the Magic Box. If Buffy's in Spike's crypt, it would be one more shock than I could handle right about now. And the shop would be the most likely place for me to find out about what happened here, too. God, I never thought I'd need so badly to talk to the stuffy English guy, but I could kiss Giles if I saw him right now. He'd know, have some idea.
I slide inside, noticing that Tara is the only one up front now. She looks so terrified - twitching nervously and checking over her shoulder all the time. She's always been a bit on the timid side, but now she looks like the sound of a strong wind outside might cause her to jump out of her skin. I want to help her so much, but I know I can't, and it's like a knife in my gut.
I head back into the bookshelves, looking for something that can help me figure out what's happening here. Not like I could do much - I can't pick up the volumes or turn the pages. Still, I'm carefully studying the spines, so carefully, I don't notice that I'm about to run into someone who's standing very still, listening for something. "Ooops," I cry, and jump back. Funny thing is, he jumps back, too, like he's seen me. I've walked right through a couple of people on the street, especially on the way back here after seeing the carnage in my apartment, and they never noticed. How come this guy jumped? He looks up, and I know he sees me. "Spike," I hiss.
He's rarely looked shocked, but if I had to place a name on his expression, I'd give it that one. "What the bloody hell? You're dead."
"No, that would be you," I sneer. I'm a bit snarkier than usual, what with the bloodstained version of interior decorating at my place and all.
"I saw ya. Or what there was left. That demon chippy of yours did nice work. A real artist." He stares at me while I know incomprehension dances across my face. Finally he throws his hands in the air. "Blimey, another brain-dead apparition. Death's so traumatic, they block it out and spend the rest of eternity wandering around wondering why nobody talks to them anymore. I've met enough ghosts in me time to 'ave seen it before. They're boring as hell."
Wait a minute. Dead. He says I'm dead. Demon chippy? Anya? Willow mentioned Anyanka.
Suddenly there are these memories, flooding my brain. Sight, sound, glorious Technicolor. Anya morphing into her demon face, and that - thing - telling me I'd pay for my disloyalty. I'd have to pay for making her forget that men were scum, and then reminding her by being afraid to announce our engagement. Anyanka screaming that Anya knew I wanted Buffy, and I always had, and that was why I didn't want to tell her we were engaged. I can feel the cold of the chains; hear the snap of my arm breaking. I smell the vomit from my response to her ripping out my eyeball. And I try to tell myself this never really happened, but it feels so real. Every memory is as vivid and agonizing as if I were really there, or maybe I'm there right now and it's happening to me. Finally I find out one new thing - a ghost can pass out.
I claw my way back to consciousness, dizzy and breathless. Spike's standing nearby, and notices me stirring. "I din' know ghosts could faint," he observes disinterestedly, echoing my last thought before it happened. "It's been a laugh, standin' here and watchin' people walk through you, though."
"You could have dragged me out of the middle of the aisle," I complain, sitting up and brushing the non-existent dust off my clothes.
He shrugged. "Tried. Seems I can see and hear you, but I can't touch you - my hands pass right through."
"Why *can* you see me, anyway? Nobody else can, apparently."
"I think it's a dead thing. I've met lotsa ghosts in my time." He tries to look casual again, but I can tell his next statement is important to him. "You hadn't seen the Slayer in yer travels about here, 'ave you?"
She's not with him. Thank you God, she's not with him. He's continuing, unaware of my silent prayer. "I woke up, an' she'd disappeared. I've been listenin' to Red the Wicked and her shadow to see if they had a clue where she'd gone, but so far, no." He woke up - she'd been sleeping there. Last straw.
This isn't real, I don't belong here. No - I'm dead, and my ex-girlfriend killed me. Actually, my fiancée. She's gone back to being a demon, which breaks my heart, because she was finally getting better at being human. The people I love are all in trouble - Buffy's repeating every mistake she ever made in her relationship with Angel, although this time, she chose a vamp that didn't have a soul to lose from the start. Willow's become some kind of evil magic girl. Tara's beaten down to a mere shell. Dawn obviously has problems, too. All my girls are suffering, and I can't touch them, or talk to them about it, or help them in any way. And if Buffy is gone already, I may be stuck here forever, watching them suffer.
And this is just my first day in Hell. I can hardly wait.
