The Words We Never Said "Words" Series, #4

By Lori Bush

~**~

Feedback: lwbush@charter.net

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon, etc. owns Buffy. You know the routine.

Summary: Buffy POV on being back in the real world.

Pairing: None, to speak of, except maybe W/T and A/G. Hints of B/X, but nothing concrete, here.

Rated: PG-13

Continuity: Through "Once More, With Feeling" plus slight spoilers of what's next.

Author's Notes: I've had this done for a while, but the Harem had suggestions, and I would never ignore their comments. I hope the changes are more appropriate, Duncan and C-Man.

This follows "Famous Last Words," "Word To The Wise," and "Truer Words Never Spoken." It might not make a lot of sense if you haven't read them, since some things that aren't exactly fleshed out here are explained there. The next story will be in Xander's POV again.

Nobody bashed, that I can ascertain.

Dedication: To Jen (Saturn Girl) at the Dead Xander list, 'cos she got me thinking about it in the first place. And of course, the Harem always gets recognition.

~**~

Sometimes it really pisses me off. I mean, I was in hell. Hell - me. I was never in heaven - it was an illusion used by the forces of Hell to make me even more miserable when I got there. I have to wonder, if saving the world, repeatedly and at the cost of my own life - twice - wasn't enough to get me into heaven, what would be?

Still, to be fair, Giles has pointed out that I sort of made the choice, not whoever it is that might normally do so. I did dive into a portal that apparently led straight to hell - do not pass go, do not collect $200 - in order to save Dawn. Where else would I end up? He even expressed surprise that they were able to fool me into thinking I'd ever been in heaven. Admittedly, when he realized how bad that sounded - Why Buffy, why would you think *you'd* be in heaven? - he stammered and apologized. It was just that, he reasoned, if you dove in through the doorway to a hell dimension, it was somewhat crazy to think you'd wind up anywhere else.

Call me crazy - dying for the second time sort of muddled my brain, I guess. Being brought back again, well, it's made me wonder - how could I have ever thought I didn't need my friends? It's just more proof my brain was way muddled.

With twenty-twenty hindsight, I now see how I could have changed the Hell I suffered in. I could have talked to that Willow, and really listened, too. I pushed her farther down the destructive path she'd chosen by not being what a best friend should be - there for her. The Willow here had people to help her through, but the one in Hell was surrounded by discontent and fear, and I was one of her main enablers, since I was so caught up in my own selfish pain, I never saw what she was doing to herself.

I could have taken responsibility for Dawn, and nipped her dangerous bid for attention in the bud. That would have kept Giles in Sunnydale, too, since he'd have seen that the way I need him, as a father and an advisor, was healthy, instead of the way I shucked every responsibility onto his shoulders as I did there. But I lost them both in that awful place, in one move.

I certainly could have turned to any of them instead of Spike. I'm still not ready to deal with that, yet.

And I don't even want to think about Xander. Although lately, Xander is *all* I can think about.

He went there, into Hell, of his own free will, just to bring me back. Not knowing for sure he'd be able to come back with me. And he didn't. And just like the last time he risked his own life to save mine, or should I say the countless times he has, he did it without expecting any thanks or reward.

It worries me that Willow hasn't been able to find the right anchor to bring him back. I was anchored to my own body, but his went with him. He was supposed to hook up with me, and just come along for the ride when I returned, but for whatever reason, he didn't make it. Giles and Willow both insist that I can't go back in, or we'll probably end up playing a round- robin game of "Who's in Hell Now?" before we get both of us back, and I can see their point. But the longer this goes on, the itchier I get to *do something* to rescue him.

When I was there, I mourned his death, and I really don't want to do it again, now that I know he should be alive and here.

Willow tried using Anya first, hoping their long love affair, even though over, would be enough to anchor him to her. It didn't work. Apparently, they broke up not long after I "left," having been engaged for a month or so before Anya gently informed Xander she was sure he wasn't ready for marriage yet, and she wasn't completely certain she was, either. Not long afterwards, she approached Giles, expressing interest in him, romantically. They co-own the Magic Box now, and have been dating for a while. I find that interesting as I look back on the time in that other Sunnydale that Willow made us all forget who we were - how Hell twisted events of the real world to manipulate me the most.

Here, Tara gave Willow an ultimatum about her magic use, taking her to task for using her powers selfishly and, for example, not de-ratting Amy. If Willow was able to steal Tara's brain back from Glory, she reasoned, fixing her high school friend should be a snap. It was, and she did. Willow and Amy and Tara have a coven of three going now, and Giles oversees them. They consult together and with him before using magic for anything, and it's kept them all in control. Similar to, but different from the way it played out where I was.

Tara caught Dawn swiping an amulet from the Magic Box, and confronted her, calling in Xander, Giles and Spike on it. She was sullen and unresponsive at first, but they got her into counseling (using a counselor Giles uncovered who wasn't blind to the supernatural), each of them taking turns going with her. It finally came out that she thought she was a bad person, and bad people did things like steal. When they pressured her as to why she thought she was bad, she admitted she felt she had caused my death, and so she *had* to be evil. She still goes twice a month, but now that I'm back, the counselor feels she can be cut loose before long.

I have been surprised at how devoted Spike has become to Dawn. His chip, it seems, shorted out when Doc threw him from the tower during the fight with Glory. He only realized it when he and Xander had an argument, and he was able to push Xander into the wall without a headache. When Xan realized what had just happened, he immediately ran to Giles and proposed they stake Spike without delay. But ever the voice of reason, Tara reminded them both of how close the vampire was to Dawn, and suggested they try the soul curse, if Spike were willing.

I have to laugh every time I see, in my mind's eye, Giles, Tara and Xander approaching Spike's crypt with enough crosses and Holy Water to start their own parish, to ask him if he'd subject himself to the curse. It seems he'd already reached the same conclusion - his promise to me and his feelings for Dawn meant so much to him, he was willing to suffer the same fate as Angel, if that were the only way. So now we have a new souled vampire on the team, and while there's always the threat of a moment of pure happiness, Spike is Safety Vamp these days - y'know, like the little blunt scissors they give you in pre-school. He still has an edge, but he can't do much damage with it. In part due to his new status, he no longer seems obsessed with bedding me, and after what I recently left behind, I have to say I'm pretty relieved. Tame Spike makes me realize how little the chip really restrained him - he's like an entirely different person now. In fact, he's started going by "William" again. He's not such a bad guy, this way.

So, now that I'm back, Dawn has a bunch of parent figures - unlike the Dawn I left behind, who was either ignored or abandoned by nearly every one of us. How little the differences; how great the changes they wrought. And in every case, Xander was an integral part of what was better. Where there (and even here, before Glory happened), we all pushed him aside, relegating him to the role of "Anya's Man," and "The Normal One," sometimes, "The Construction Guy;" here, after I was gone, he was central to everything that happened, and so much of it went right because he was.

Tara had gone to him before she confronted Willow. He'd shared the fatherly role with Giles and Spike when Dawn needed a man's influence. He'd even helped the witches when they restored Spike's soul. He was just always, quietly, *there* for all of them - and he always had been, for all of us, all along. We had to find a way to get him back so I could finally tell him "thank you" for everything. It was way overdue.

In fact, the only thing that seems wrong with this Sunnydale - the real one - is that Xander is in the other one, and God alone knows what's happening to him there. Giles has theorized that the place I was had been a special hell, constructed specifically so that I personally would suffer the most without suspecting that none of it was real. If that were the case, Xander might get off easy. But when I told him that the Xander in that place was dead, killed by person or persons unknown, my Watcher paled, and didn't offer any explanation for his clenched jaw and deepened frown lines. But Anya, never one to keep any thought to herself, may have hit it on the head. She wondered out loud if, now that I'm gone, Hell has reshaped itself around Xander's soul, since he's now the only being there that's not a construct of my own worst nightmares. I can only hope not, after what I went through.

So we're back to trying to find an anchor that will draw him home. Besides using Anya, the witchy gang have tried doing the ritual in Xander's apartment, his truck, centering on his comic book collection, and Willow even jokingly suggested using Twinkies. So far, no luck. We need to find something with which he's connected enough that it would call to his soul, reach him even across the dimensions.

I feel so bad. I mean, he went there to save me. To save. me. He's always been the one trying to save me - sometimes even from myself. He warned me about Angel before anyone else saw any danger. He brought me back from death the first time, and even went into it to get me this time. He staked Theresa and saved me. He threw himself in front of that splitter ray that was aimed at me. He'd do almost anything for me. Me. I think I'm sensing a pattern here. Where's the phone?

"Willow? Yeah, it's Buffy. I have an idea for an anchor that might bring Xander back, and I need you to get everyone together. I'll meet you all at the Magic Box, soon."

I've been blind and dumb long enough. I want to tell him so much. But first, we have to get him here.

~**~