Disclaimer I don't own the heralds or anything else. I don't own much but I what I do is mine..

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Most of you probably are angered with me and feel I played god.

I tried to make up for my sins by taking my life. but a white horse (as I thought at the time) brought a person my age to the rescue of me.. Or so they thought.

She was named Lissa, Liz for short and she was a herald trainee out for midsummer break. She was travelling to visit a relative, I never knew what relative she visited.

She took me to her relatives and had what they called a healer fix me up. She spent many days and night trying to get me to talk and open up. I final talked but not about my past or me but about the weather or the land. (I could help but feel safe and able to sleep with not nightmares with her around) One day a companion (so her horse was called) came to the estate and they say that it chose me, for what I didn't know, and why. well no one knows why.

After finding out what it meant to be chosen, I felt that I shouldn't have been chosen. no I should have died for "all the lives that I had taken" (I did nothing and let them die, it was the same to me as if I started the fire myself or pierced their hearts with the sword myself)

From that day on I chose to do what ever it took to help people no matter what the cost to me. Many would think or hope that I became a herald and spent my life helping others and lived the rest of my life in fulfillment. I didn't.

I went to their "Collegium", where I later found out that Liz was the heir to the throne.

Because of my gift and my past I secluded myself as best as I could from everyone.. But no matter how much I tried, I couldn't push Liz away. She always got in side of my guard and shields.I feel I let down my guard and shields with her on her relatives estate and she knew how to get in and stay put when she wanted to.

What can I say most have probably guessed it . I fell in love with her. but never told her. For one day my gift brought to me a decision I had to make that she would never forgive me for if she ever found out. A decision that cost the lives of her father and sister. all I say is that it was an ambush while the two where out on a trip and spent the night camping in a clearing in a forest.

I spent many nights after in my room filled so full of grief and pain that I felt nothing else and knew nothing but of my regret and how none would ever understand and I came to another one of my most difficult decisions in my life. I would distance myself from the princess at all cost. I had no right to call her by her name or to even ever call her a friend.

Herald after herald I watched go out and knew that that person would never return. and for each one that went out I would distance myself more and more. those who knew them would never understand and would never forgive me.

Years after I gained my whites (I never in my whole existence felt that I earned them), Liz admitted to having very strong feelings for me, even after all the isolating, pushing away and mean things I did she still stayed. I felt the same but I never let her know and I never said anything to her about it. about my feelings, my gift or anything.

I knew (no thanks to my gift) that she would be needed by the people of her land to make an alliance marriage to prevent war and bring Valdemar and the Nation of Remill together in peace. If I told her anything or confessed anything she would never go through with the alliance marriage, and a great war would have raged the land, like none ever known before and everything in the land left in ruin.

With such pain I have never known before, pain that I would never wish upon even the greatest of enemies. I was able to hide my feelings . to save the princess so she would never know how I felt, I accepted the pain, misery, and bleakness of solitude into my self. As for me I got what I feel I deserved and was justice. I spent the rest of my life with the pain of knowledge of what I had done and losing the one that I loved more then life. At first the pain was so great it felt like my whole soul was filled of fire and was on fire. I don't know the time that pasted before I was even able to start to over come the pain to continue on with my pitiful existence. The princess made the alliance marriage and produce triplets, three heirs for the throne.

They say I grew cold and unfeeling to the outside world, including the princess. I spent every moment I could out serving duties in the field hoping for something to end all the pain, suffering and torment... but nothing ever did.

Next chapter will be up soon. I hope to make it a long one, it will not be up until after the week end because I am going out of province to visit my mom