This chick, White Mage, had not lost her magic. She was a tourist. A faker. I'd seen her at my Poisoned Anonymous meeting Monday night, and then again at "Let's Get Moving", my Slow assistance meeting in the middle of the week. When she was there... I hated her for it... This made it impossible for me not to hate others... And when I couldn't not hate others, I couldn't cry... And so once again... I couldn't sleep.
Another thing to know about White Mage... Why did she go to groups? For what purpose? It was quite simple, I assumed. She went to all sorts of groups trying to find people she could heal. Trying to save them all by casting her white healing magic. We kept seeing the numbers go down in our groups... People kept getting healed by White Mage... Soon, if she kept this up, not only will she make me unable to cry... But she'll heal all the people I can cry to...
Next group... After guided meditation... When it's time to pick a partner I'm gonna go up to that little bitch White Mage and scream...
"WHITE MAGE! You liar! I hate you! YOU DIE NOW!"
And then I would most likely vaporize her... Not a good move.
I hadn't slept in four days... When you have insomnia, you're never really asleep... and you're never really awake... I would lie awake at night watching TV on my sofa unit... I would flip through channels looking for the home shopping network... just to see what kind of things I could buy to make me a good person. When I got home from groups at night I would fall asleep... That past year my credit card bill had gone down considerably. I had a feeling, if White Mage kept showing up... It would rise again.
"To begin tonight... Aeris would like to say a few words..."
Assorted clapping through the small chapel.
Oh yeah, Aeris. Aeris is what Terra would look like if you took away all her magic and had her be one of the weakest characters and walk around the world map being extra nice to everyone.
Aeris went up to the podium and began to speak.
"Well... I'm still here... But I don't know for how long..."
Aeris's problem was that she had received a vision. It was from later in her life when Sephiroth would thrust a blade through her stomach. She had seen this and became instantly afraid of everyone.
"I do have some good news... I no longer have any fear of death..."
More assorted clapping.
"However, I have put myself in a pretty lonely predicament... Cloud won't have sex with me... I told him I was going to die and he said he didn't want to make love to a dead girl..."
This could go on for hours. I shut it out. I didn't care... I hated her. Why? I glanced over at White Mage, sitting in her normal seat, acting innocent.
"Erm... thank you Aeris... Everyone let's thank Aeris..." the head of the group spoke
More assorted clapping. I don't know how long she had talked.
"Now... let's all ready ourselves for guided meditation..."
And so it began. The normal meditation session... I couldn't get my hatred for White Mage out of my mind... White Mage... the status ailment that would heal if you had one of the most common items... but you don't...
"You're stepping deeper into your cave... You feel the healing energy of this place radiating all around you... Now find your power animal..."
I looked in the part of my burning hell of a cave. I looked for the tiger. None came. I saw a dark figure sitting on a rock. I tapped it on the shoulder and it became light. The darkness changed into a body, and then made a face. It was White Mage.
"Die." She spoke
I could see myself, powering up a blast that would surely destroy her... And then... I snapped out of it.
"Good, a good meditation session. Now let's partner up."
I strolled over to her in her snow-white robe. I grabbed her by the arm. It was time for me to make a stand.
"Hey, we need to talk." I told her
She wasn't fazed, "Okay."
We began to walk across the room.
"I'm on to you. You're not dieing" I cut to the chase
"What?"
"I know in the evil villain philosophy, the Kefka sense of the word, we're all dieing. However, you're not dieing the way Aeris back there is dieing."
"So?" I wondered if she was even listening
"So, you're a faker. A tourist, okay. I've seen you. I've seen you at a lot of my groups."
I held my fingers out to count the groups she's been at off to her, but she interrupted.
"I saw you leveling up for this."
I paused, "What?"
"Telling me off. Is it going as well as you hoped..." a glance at my nametag, "Seifer?"
"I'll expose you." Not really that original
"Go ahead, I'll expose you."
The head of the group came around. White Mage pretended to cry... I had to admit... She was beautiful... Very attractive... I snapped out of it.
"Why are you coming to these things?"
"So I can help people." She remarked
"Well, these are my groups. I need this. I've been coming to these for over a year now."
"Why do you come? What gift do you have to offer?"
"Comfort. I offer them comfort and they make it so I can't hate... I begin to have feelings. But when there's another faker in the room, I can't. You need to find someplace else to go."
She looked at me like I was totally nuts. Then she just shrugged and walked toward the entrance onto the street. I followed her...
"Listen, I got it... We can split up the week. You take the Sleep status aliment, seeing as I can't sleep, and Masochists Anonymous..."
She cut me off.
"You take Masochists Anonymous... My healing abilities don't go over at all."
"Alright, good, fine. Seeing as you can't really heal them, Remaining Mages Together should be no contest."
"Well, technically, I have more of a right to be there. People like you don't believe my magic does anything..."
"That's true but... never mind."
We walked into a sword shop. She waited for the cashier to leave and then stole as many as she could and walked out. We were walking on the street again.
"What do you want?" I asked
"I'll take the paralysis.""You can't have both types of paralysis, so take the slow paralysis, but I'm going to take the slow death..."
Cut off again.
"I want that."
"You can't have both slows!"
"So far, you have four, I only have two."
"Fine, take both the paralysis... Now we both have three..."
Then it just dawned on me we were walking down the street and she was carrying stolen swords.
"Wait... what are you doing with those swords?"
I was confused.
We walked into a place where they melted down metal to make things such as bottle caps and aluminum cans. She was selling the swords.
"Why are you selling those?"
"So they will be out of the reach of anyone willing to use them for bad purposes... Anyway, we each have three, that's six, what about the seventh day, I want Undead Anonymous."
The girl had done her homework.
"No... No I want the undead."
The person behind the counter took that statement the wrong way.
"That's your favorite too? Do you enjoy talking to dead people?" she mocked me
"LOOK! We're going to split it. Take the first and third Sunday of the month."
She paused, "Okay... Looks like this is goodbye..."
We shook hands. Suddenly the feelings inside my mind telling me she was hot and sexy popped back into conscious thought.
"Hey, hows about you and I go make some magic of our own?"
The part of me that was talking was not my mind... It was my sex drive...
She looked at me very sternly.
"Do you want to be hammered?"
"Actually, I think that's what I say to you... heh heh..."
She then pulled out a huge iron hammer. I got the picture.
"Heh... Nevermind..."
She then walked out of the store... I still had my testosterone up... But my mind and my manhood mixed... making an idea. I rushed out of the store.
"Hey, White Mage!" I called out to her
She was in the middle of the street when she turned around.
"What?" She asked, annoyed
"Maybe we should exchange numbers... In case we want to switch nights..."
She thought for a good long time.
"Okay." She said finally
And so this is how I met a girl name White Mage. We exchanged numbers and she looked at it as she began to cross the street. She looked up and turned around.
"It doesn't have your name... Who are you? Kuja? Seifer? Any of the villain names you give each night?"
