The Battle of Who Could Care Less (or Please Forgive Me)
by JADED (opheliadrowning@hotmail.com)
Author's Note: Based on spoilers for future episodes, this presumes Jackie and Hyde have broken up after Hyde cheats on her with a slutty nurse. Fez is broken up with Nina, Eric and Donna are also still engaged.
Summary: In the aftermath of Jackie and Hyde's break-up, Donna and Eric get into a fight, then team up with Red and Kitty respectively about whether or not Jackie should forgive Hyde. In the meanwhile, Jackie and Hyde are trying to figure out the same thing for themselves, although with less shouting. Kelso is still plotting to win Jackie back, and Fez discovers the delicious Wisconsin treat, the cheese curd.
Disclaimer: That '70s Show is not mine, nor are the characters, but that's not going to stop me from taking liberties with them…unless I am sued, in which case…this never happened.
INT. -- The Foreman's Basement: Late Afternoon[ERIC and DONNA are sitting together on the couch, talking]
ERIC: (in disbelief) He said what?!
DONNA: The big cheater told her that he slept with slutty nurse, and THEN that's when he decided to tell Jackie that he loved her. Like that's going to suddenly make everything better!
ERIC: (still in shock) Hyde said what?
DONNA: (exasperated) Eric! You're missing the point. God! It is to typical of men! You guys screw up and think that saying, 'I love you,' will make everything better again. It doesn't work that way!
ERIC: (still not believing it) Okay, okay, let me get this straight. Hyde. Steven Hyde. Our Hyde told a, well (remembering that it's Jackie he's talking about), a mostly human being that he loved her? [beat] Are you positive he used the word 'love'? I mean . . . was he drunk when he said this?
DONNA: ERIC!
[HYDE enters through the back door, heading straight to his room without looking at either ERIC or DONNA.]
HYDE: If you two girls are talking about me, you can stop now. There's nothing to discuss.
[HYDE exits]
ERIC: Okay, Donna, how about this? Hyde never really said 'I love you' to Jackie, therefore he never cheated on her because the real Hyde would never have emotions. You see, [beat] he's really been replaced by a robot.
[DONNA hits ERIC on the shoulder, hard]
ERIC: OW! [rubbing his sore spot] It could happen!
INT. – Donna's Bedroom: Later that afternoon[DONNA and JACKIE are sitting on Donna's bed. JACKIE is clutching the Led Zeppelin t-shirt HYDE gave her for her birthday. DONNA is holding out a cardboard box]
DONNA: (firmly) Put it in the box, Jackie.
[JACKIE doesn't move. The t-shirt is clenched in her hands]
DONNA: JACKIE! C'mon! Like you did with Kelso. You can't get over the cheating bastard if you keep reminders of him around.
[JACKIE looks up towards the ceiling, a dreamy look on her face]
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE[Flashback to HYDE giving her the t-shirt in "Whole Lotta Love." Then, a scene afterwards never seen before: JACKIE leans in to give HYDE a kiss. Then pull apart, then stare at each other for a moment before they throw themselves at each other. The t-shirt falls to the ground. Shot pans to the shirt on the floor.]
[Another scene]
INT. – Jackie's Room[JACKIE and HYDE are standing around the room. HYDE pulls off his glasses, clips them to his shirt, and leans down to pick up the t-shirt which he sees on her bed.]
HYDE: (surprised) Did you actually wear this?
JACKIE: Yep. I slept in it.
HYDE: [raises an eyebrow, interested] What else did you wear with it? [JACKIE gives HYDE sex eyes, then smirks. He grins back at her.] I knew there was a reason I liked you so much.
[HYDE strides across the room to reach her, t-shirt in his hand. When he reaches her, he touches her face, then cradles it with both hands. The t-shirt falls to the floor. They kiss, their arms wrapping around each other. Shot pans to t-shirt fallen at their feet.]
END SEQUENCE
DONNA: JACKIE!
[DONNA tries to tear the shirt out of JACKIE'S deathgrip]
JACKIE: Donna! [DONNA manages to get the shirt] God! No wonder all your clothes look so bad, Donna, the way you keep grabbing at them with your giant man hands!
DONNA: Jackie! [sighs] I know this is hard for you, but sooner or later you're going to have to get over him. And the sooner you do, the better off you'll be.
JACKIE: I know, it's just . . . [sighs] You know, I told myself that I'd never let another guy cheat on me, and that I would never forgive any man who'd treat me that way, but . . .
DONNA: Jackie, no!
JACKIE: (tearful, and in a quieter voice) I still love him. I can't help it! I even miss his stupid sideburns! [Puts her head in her hands, visibly upset] Love has made me a fool! It makes everyone a fool. I mean, look at you and Eric. Nothing else could explain that!
DONNA: (Ignoring Jackie's comment) [Places a reassuring arm around Jackie's shoulder] It's okay, Jackie. You'll make it through this. If anything, at least you won't lose your dignity. I mean, If you learned anything from Kelso it's that once a cheater, always a cheater.
JACKIE: That, and if you want soft hands you should smother your hands in Vaseline, then wear gloves over that before you go to bed.
[DONNA starts, and gives JACKIE a weird look. JACKIE doesn't notice.]
INT. – Foreman's Basement: Dusk
[FEZ is sitting on the couch, and so is ERIC. HYDE is sitting in his chair, closer to FEZ. They are watching TV.]
FEZ: [patting his belly contentedly] I have found myself a new love now that Nina and I are no longer together. [Looks sad, then, pauses, waiting for ERIC or HYDE to ask him about it] Yes, this new love I discovered today at Sully's Bowl-A-Rama.
[FEZ waits again, glancing from HYDE to ERIC, and so on.]
ERIC: (exasperated) Who is it, Fez?
FEZ: [grinning broadly] I am glad you asked, Eric. It is not a who, but a what. Yes, I have discovered the glorious goodness that is fried cheese curds! [beat] God bless you, Wisconsin, and all your dairy-producing wonder!
HYDE: [not looking away from the TV for even a second] Yeah, great news, Fez.
FEZ: Yes. Spring does something funny to me.
[HYDE gives him a look]
FEZ: Not that! That was just one time. Ai! In my country they do not have such machinery to milk their animals. How was I supposed to know that thing was meant for the cows?
ERIC: Because! We were at the State Dairy Expo! On a school field trip!
HYDE: Yeah, those were some great pictures they had in the yearbook. Too bad they had to censor out part of it with those black bars.
ERIC: (cautiously) Hey. So, Hyde, what's the deal about you saying a certain three-word phrase to Jackie?
HYDE: [looks extremely pained, then recovers, all Zen] Nothing, man. [coughs] Nothing happened. And I'm fine about it, so don't get all girly on me and ask me how I'm feeling.
ERIC: Okay. Good, that's what I like to hear.
FEZ: (confused) That's not what I heard. [beat] And you are not fine, my curly-haired friend.
ERIC: (warningly) Fez. . . Hyde said he's fine.
FEZ: Yes. But only so he can masque his broken heart. Can you not see the pain in his eyes, Eric? Can you not hear the woe in his voice, or how he walks around like a man whose very spirit has been crushed because he was stupid enough to lose the woman he loves?
[HYDE reaches over and hits FEZ on the arm]
FEZ: AI! Why must my fate be like that of Cassandra in ancient Greek myth? Always to tell the truth, never to be believed?
[KELSO enters, full of energy]
KELSO: OH man, I just came up with the greatest plan to win Jackie back!
[ERIC gives HYDE a worried look. HYDE'S face is impassive, emotionless]
ERIC: Dude, Kelso. Chill, will you?
KELSO: Why? It's like I'm a super genius. There's no way Jackie could resist me with this plan. Of course, even without it I'm still pretty foxy. [Pulls a napkin out of his pocket and shows it to FEZ] Check it out, man. It's fool-proof.
ERIC: Then it's got to be perfect for you.
FEZ: [looking at the napkin. He turns it upside down.] Where are you going to find a mousetrap big enough to hold Jackie?
ERIC: (in a loud whisper, noticing HYDE squirming uncomfortably in his seat) Kelso. Jackie and Hyde JUST broke up. Could you be a little more sensitive about this?
KELSO: Hey, Hyde said he didn't care if I went after Jackie again, didn't you, Hyde?
HYDE: Whatever, Kelso.
KELSO: You see! He's practically telling me to go after her!
[HYDE, unable to bear it anymore, gets up to leave. He goes to his room.]
[ERIC looks worriedly over his shoulder at HYDE's retreating form]
ERIC: Kelso, you better get out of here before you really piss off Hyde and he beats your ass up.
KELSO: (loudly) I'm not afraid of Hyde! Especially now, 'cause he's so vulnerable and stuff.
[There is a loud, shuffling noise, like Hyde making his way out of his room. Hearing it, Kelso freaks out and scampers out of the basement.]
FEZ: Eric, does your mom have any cheese curds?
ERIC: Why don't you go up and check, Fez?
[FEZ goes up the stairs. ERIC, concerned, follows HYDE into his room. HYDE is sitting on his cot, glasses off, head buried in his hands. Hearing ERIC coming, he scrambles to compose himself.]
HYDE: Hey.
ERIC: Hyde, man, are you okay? I mean, really?
HYDE: I'm cool, Foreman, so stop asking.
ERIC: Because you don't seem okay. I mean, are you really going to let Kelso go after Jackie?
HYDE: [shrugs] I can't stop him.
ERIC: Yes you can! You could [thinking hard] tie him to a tree or something. That would stop him, at least for a while. Especially if you tied a Penthouse to one of the branches.
HYDE: Foreman, while that sounds like it would be funny, what Kelso does with Jackie, and what Jackie does with Kelso is none of my business. Not anymore. [Bites his lip while the rest of him remains cool as a cucumber]
ERIC: (realizing that this break-up has really hit Hyde hard) But it is, Hyde, because [beat] as unholy as your union with Jackie was, you seemed kind of happy with her around, even though that kinda freaked me, and a large part of the Western world, out.
HYDE: Look. I screwed up. I screwed up really, really badly, and I can't do anything to change it or take it back. Anyway, Jackie deserves better. I saw how Kelso treated her, and then what do I do? I go and do the same exact thing. Man, even if she wanted to forgive me, which I know she doesn't, I wouldn't want her to.
ERIC: Hyde, that's [beat] well, that's crazy-talk! So you screwed up once. So what? If Donna never forgave me for all the times I messed up, we wouldn't be the perfect couple we are today. You can't just give up, though! Seriously, do you want Kelso and Jackie to get back together? Do you remember what that was like?
FLASHBACK SEQUENCE[A montage of scenes of Jackie yelling at Kelso, with each yell of "MICHAEL!" panning in closer and closer to her mouth until her face erupts in hellfire]
END SEQUENCE
[ERIC Shudders in horror]
HYDE: Look, Foreman, Jackie is always going to want to be with Kelso. They're kind of like herpes. You think they're gone, and it looks like its not there, but then it flares up again, uglier and nastier than before. You see, it's never not going to be Jackie and Kelso. He wants her and she wants him. [HYDE shrugs] I bet they're together right now. [beat, then more to himself than to Eric] I don't know what I was doing, thinking that me and Jackie messing around was ever gonna become anything.
ERIC: (seeing the defeated look on HYDE'S face) You'll never know what's going to happen unless you try. You can't just give up, Hyde. I mean, it's totally like you to give up when times get tough, but this time it's different. (Cooing) You can't give up on love, Hyde. [ERIC grabs HYDE by the shoulders and shakes him] LOVE IS ALL YOU NEED!
HYDE: [Pushing ERIC away roughly] Er, thanks, Dear Abby, but I think I'll pass. Anyway, that girlfriend of yours isn't helping. She's probably feeding Jackie all this feminist crap right now, telling her what a bastard I am.
INT. – Foreman Kitchen: Evening
[ERIC and DONNA are standing by the kitchen counter, arguing]
DONNA: He's a bastard!
ERIC: He made a mistake, Donna! Hyde's really hurting right now. I don't understand why, but I think he actually really, really misses Jackie.
DONNA: Well, it's his loss! The dillhole!
[DONNA continues to fume, muttering incomprehensibly to herself]
ERIC: (his face set, his voice firm and defiant) You know what, Donna, [beat] Hyde's not a bastard. Sure, he once set on fire my entire Lincoln logs set after I spent two excruciating days building an exact replica of the Bonanza set, and there was the time he told Mr. Nichols our 5th grade gym teacher that I stuffed . . . [beat, then clears his throat nervously] what I'm saying is Hyde is a good guy who made a really bad mistake, and he's sorry about it. And he deserves to be forgiven.
DONNA: What a load of crap, Eric! Cheating is just "screwing-up." He broke Jackie's heart, and he, of all people, should know better than to cheat on her! She shouldn't forgive him. Hell, if she did, I don't think I could respect her anymore.
ERIC: (slowly) Wait, you respected Jackie in the first place?
[RED and KITTY enter through the screen door carrying groceries]
RED: What the hell are you dumbasses arguing about now? Wait, don't tell me. You idiots broke off your engagement.
DONNA: No, Mr. Foreman. (Yelling) We're still very much in love, except Eric's being a dumbass and saying he thinks Jackie should forgive Hyde for cheating on Jackie.
KITTY: (shocked) Steven did what? Eric?
ERIC: It's not that simple! Hyde was angry and confused, and he acted out of fear of being rejected yet again by someone he loved.
RED: Good God, Laurie is more of a man than you are, Eric! And that fruity foreign kid, too!
ERIC: [ignoring Red] He thought Jackie and Kelso had been messing around with each other the whole time he was with her, and he freaked out. That's how Hyde is.
KITTY: That's true, Eric. Steven doesn't know how to handle emotions because (in a loud whisper) he doesn't have parents.
ERIC:
Thank you, Mom!
RED: You're actually agreeing with this crap?
KITTY: [putting down the groceries, then putting her hands on her hips] Yes! Steven is reacting the only way he knows. The only defense he knows is an offense!
RED: You sound like a damned basketball coach, Kitty.
DONNA: The bottom line is he cheats. How can Jackie trust him not to do it again? This isn't baseball. He doesn't get three strikes before he's out!
RED: Eric, Donna is more of a man than you are.
ERIC: (to RED) Get over the t-ball, Dad! (to DONNA) Hyde's not like that, and you should know that, Donna. He's your friend too.
DONNA: Yeah, a cheating bastard friend!
RED: [with a shrug] From what I hear, I'll have to actually agree with Donna, although [giving ERIC a stern look] on nothing else. If Steven were a real man he would have been confident in finding out the truth. Or else he would have just gone and beaten the crap out of Kelso. This pansy-ass passive-aggressive crap? That's not being a man. That's being a sissy-wuss-out-cry-me-a-river dumbass. Like you, Eric.
KITTY: Red! How can you be so hard on the boy? And you, Donna! Where's your compassion? Steven did a terrible thing, but he feels horribly about it, doesn't he Eric.
ERIC: (sadly) He does. He won't even steal anything anymore, and he won't even join us in the circle for . . .
RED: (suspiciously) For what?
ERIC: Watching film? Foreign film? About agriculture?
KITTY: I'm sure he regrets it. Red, Donna. Be forgiving. Be like Jesus! [laughs]
[RED and DONNA stand together, arms crossed, faces angry. ERIC and KITTY stand together, eyes big. They have a stare-off.]
INT. – The Foreman's Basement: Saturday morning
[HYDE is sitting in his chair, staring blankly at the television which isn't even on. FEZ enters through the back door, carrying a bag of cheese curds.]
FEZ: Amazing! Hyde, did you know that cheese curds come not-fried? [bites into a cheese curd. It squeaks.] Ohmygod! [drops the bag] The cheese curds are crying out in pain! I am so sorry cheese curds. I did not know! Oh god! I should have never forsaken my candy for you, cheese curds! [noticing at last that HYDE is non-responsive and looking dead to the world.] Hyde, are you okay?
HYDE: (in a raspy voice) I'm cool.
FEZ: No, you are not. Hyde, you are suffering. You cannot even watch Saturday morning cartoons! When that happens then Fez knows there is something is wrong.
HYDE: You don't know what you're talking about man.
FEZ: You miss Jackie because you love her.
HYDE: (With less vigor than usual) Shut your piehole, Fez before I rip you a new one!
FEZ: See, your heart is not even into threatening me with bodily damage! Something is wrong, Hyde. [Points to his own heart] Something inside.
HYDE: Nothing is wrong, man, so I don't want to hear it.
FEZ: What if I told you that Kelso asked Jackie out on a date last night, and brought her flowers and a bouquet of roses with a stuffed unicorn?
[HYDE remains quiet, but his jaw tightens and his hands, which are balled-up into fists are turning white a the knuckles.]
HYDE: (not convincingly) Big deal.
FEZ: What if I told you she slammed the door in his face? [HYDE turns to look at him, relief on his face] And that it hit him in the nose? [HYDE chuckles]
[KELSO enters the back door, holding an ice pack to his nose. He lowers the ice pack when he sits down on the couch. His nose is swollen and bruised.]
KELSO: Man, I'm never going to be a teen model now!
HYDE: Nice look, Marsha.
FEZ: Not so man pretty now, are you, Kelso? [KELSO punches FEZ in the arm] Ai! Damn you Americans and your violence and screaming cheese curds!
KELSO: Man, Jackie is mean. You made her mean, Hyde! She was never like this when I was going out with her.
FEZ: Yes she was! She was meaner and bossier. Hyde has brought out the softer side in Jackie [looks off dreamily, thinking about Jackie's softness]
KELSO: Well, yeah, but she only beat me down emotionally and verbally until all that was left was a quivering mass of good looks. She was never mean physically. I mean, [pointing to himself] how can you consciously try to destroy beauty like this?
HYDE: (as though he's disinterested) So you and Jackie didn't work out last night?
KELSO: A mere road bump on the path to true love. I still have my plan, and oh yes, she will be mine. That's cool with you, right, Hyde? Not that I need your permission or anything, but damn, Hyde, you're harder to read than those magazines they sell at Javier's Supermercado.
HYDE: That' s because they're in Spanish, you idiot!
KELSO: Well if you're just going to insult me, I'm going to leave!
[HYDE stares KELSO down, waiting for him to leave.]
KELSO: I'm going! [not going] Any second now. [still not going] But I'm not going to let you insult me out!
HYDE: I hear that if you don't constantly ice a broken nose that it'll eventually fall off.
[KELSO makes a mad sprint for the door, then slams into it.]
KELSO: OW! My eye! [Exits]
FEZ: [shaking his head] Kelso and doors are not a good combination. Ever. You know what else is not so good of a combination? Kelso and Jackie.
HYDE: Man, I said stop it! Stop bringing her up. I don't want to hear it, okay? We're over. There is no me and Jackie!
FEZ: Why did you do it, Hyde?
HYDE: [Sighs heavily, and then a long pause] If I tell you, will you drop it? [FEZ nods] You gotta leave them before they leave you, Fez man. Bud left me. Edna left me. And after they came back, they left me together. It's just what people do to me. They stop caring and then they leave. They find something better. This time, I didn't want to let it happen again. [Shrugs]
FEZ: Ai, that is so tragic, Hyde. [Gets up and goes over to HYDE, putting his head on HYDE'S shoulder].
HYDE: [Shoving FEZ away] Damn, get off, Fez! What is wrong with everybody?
INT. – The Foreman's Kitchen: Lunchtime[ERIC, DONNA, RED, and KITTY are all sitting together, eating, arguing. HYDE enters from the living room.]
DONNA: [seeing HYDE] CHEATER!
ERIC: Run, Hyde, RUN!
[Staring around at all the expectant faces, HYDE retreats]
KITTY: Now look what you've done! There's no shouting at my kitchen table!
ERIC: [looking at RED] Yes there is, Mom! There is shouting. Everyday! How could you possibly miss it?
RED: Dumbass. [Points at ERIC] And you're wrong about Steven. And Donna's right.
[DONNA reaches out and RED slaps her five. They both laugh. JACKIE enters the screen door.]
JACKIE: Donna, I was looking—
DONNA: DON'T FORGIVE HIM, JACKIE! HE'S A CHEATING BASTARD SCUMBAG!
KITTY: JACKIE! BE LIKE JESUS! LIKE JESUS!
[JACKIE retreats out the same door, freaked out.]
EXT. – The "Point": Twilight[HYDE is sitting on his el Camino, his glasses are off. He rubs his eyes tiredly, staring out at nothingness. He hears the crunching of footsteps. JACKIE appears.]
JACKIE: Oh!
HYDE: Oh. Hey.
JACKIE: Hey. [Looks away nervously]
HYDE: I guess I was the last person you expected to see. Or wanted to see. [HYDE hops off the hood of his car and starts for the door.] I'll leave if you--
JACKIE: (Scared to see him at first, but then steeling herself, being strong) No, Steven. Don't. [sighs] I was just taking a walk. I needed to think about a lot of stuff.
[HYDE coughs, looking embarrassed]
HYDE: Look, Jackie, I'll just go.
JACKIE: (interrupting him) I've been thinking a lot about you. [HYDE stops, then looks at her intently] And about us. But mostly about me.
[Both of them go back to sitting on the hood of his car, sitting together, but at a distance from one another. For a moment, they both gaze at each other, feelings flooding back. They both look confused, then sad.]
JACKIE: You really hurt me, Steven. You broke my heart into a million pieces, and right now I can't put it back together because I can't remember what it was like before you. And right now, I can't forgive you for what you did.
HYDE: Jackie—look, I am sorry about what I did to you. You don't know how sorry I am, but I can't take it back no matter what I do.
JACKIE: [Gives him a good look] So then you do nothing?
[HYDE shrugs]
JACKIE: God, I am so sick of you and your Zen!
HYDE: Jackie!
JACKIE: Why aren't you doing anything? Why won't you fight for me? Why are you letting stupid Michael go after me like a horny goat?
HYDE: Jackie, you just said you can't forgive me! What's the point in trying?
JACKIE: I said right now! There's always later!
HYDE: (seriously) Did you think that there was going to be a later? That we had a future?
JACKIE: I dunno. Who ever knows? But I thought we had a good chance . . . I thought it was worth a try.
HYDE: Look Jackie, what I did was unforgivable. I knew how badly it hurt you when Kelso cheated on you, and I go and repeat the same mistakes. I'm not asking you to forgive me. I don't think you should forgive me, honestly. [Shrugs] I wouldn't if I were you.
JACKIE: [Jackie looks touched at his regard to her feelings] (With affection) You're such an idiot, Steven. [beat] Hey, is this . . . is this where we had our first date?
HYDE: Yeah. Veteran's Day.
[JACKIE looks heartbroken at the remembrance.]
HYDE: So uh, you're not getting back together with Kelso?
JACKIE: [small smile] Even if I wanted to, I couldn't. My heart's somewhere else. It has been for a while.
HYDE: Why would you want to forgive me anyway, Jackie? I know I don't even deserve the chance.
JACKIE: I guess because I want to believe that people can change, and that that can happen if you just take a chance on another person. The right person.
[There's a long pause]
HYDE: (quietly) I miss you, Jackie.
JACKIE: [choking back tears, not able to look him in the eyes] I miss you too. But I'm not going to forgive you. Not yet.
HYDE: Yet?
JACKIE: Give me a reason, Steven, and I just might. Trust me, and I might. Buy me stuff? Maybe not, but it wouldn't hurt.
[HYDE chuckles.]
[The evening has grown darker and colder, and HYDE notices that JACKIE is shivering. Taking off his jacket, he places it on her shoulders. She looks surprised, but grateful.]
JACKIE: Thank you.
[The shot pans in on their hands. They're not holding hands, but their hands are touching just slightly. Neither wants to move, afraid to lose the contact.]
HYDE: (awkwardly) Er, I meant it when I said I loved you, Jackie. I don't take it back, not even now. Yeah.
JACKIE: I still love you too, Steven, but right now, I can't say I like you too much.
HYDE: That's cool, Jackie. That's totally cool. [Tentatively, he takes her hand and holds it in his. JACKIE looks down at it, but doesn't pull away.]
JACKIE: [remembering] Do you feel anything?
HYDE: [smiles slightly] Naw. Did you feel anything?
JACKIE: [smiling sadly, and not meaning it] No.
HYDE: So now what?
JACKIE: [shrugs] Who knows.
HYDE: Maybe I'll stick around to find out what happens. If you don't mind.
JACKIE: I don't.
[Still holding hands, they stare off into the sky. The scene darkens.]
INT. – The Foreman Living Room: Evening[ERIC is sitting on the couch, reading a magazine. FEZ walks in from the kitchen, wearing all black.]
FEZ: Eric, do you mind if I use your bathroom?
ERIC: That's fine. Why are you asking?
[FEZ pulls out a bag from behind him. It's the cheese curds.]
FEZ: Funeral at sea.
[FEZ proceeds upstairs, leaving ERIC staring at him blankly.]
THE END!
