Title: The Dark Apology By Maea MacDermod

Title: The Dark Apology

Author: Maea MacDermod

Email: maeve_aislinn@yahoo.com; feedback is like a drug to me!  Please, feed the monkey!

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: "Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers." - Erik Pepke  (but just in case… Don't sue me, please!)

Spoilers: So anything including and prior to Heart of Mine is fair game. 

Summary: This story is my thoughts for the episode after Heart of Mine…. I'm an unspoiled Roswellian, so it's all speculation based on next week's preview.

Category:  General

Distribution:  Want it?  Take it… just let me know!

***

"Destiny is but a phrase of the weak human heart - the dark apology for every error. The strong and virtuous admit no destiny."

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (1803-73)

***Top of Form

The scene replayed itself over and over in my head, it's incessant looping of vague details enough to make me lose my sanity - or at least question it.

**

Darkness.

It was night so darkness was really no surprise, but even in the expected shadows, a malevolence greater than night loomed, waiting to attack.

There was a scream, then a shout, followed by silence.  The absolute calm was even more deafening than the panicked yells of the instant before, but soon it was broken by mournful sobs.  In the blink of an eye it was all over.  Seventeen years of life gone, it sustaining blood pooling onto the dirty pavement at a rapid pace, a startled expression on the young man's face.

Max approached a second too late.  Too much time had passed… a lifetime to be exact.  His own silent sobs joined those of his sister's in the grief of their friend's death.

**

And now, here we all are.  On the grass of Grove Cemetery, surrounded by a dozen so other grieving friends and family.  The hardest day of my life.

So much had happened in our lives, it was so difficult to imagine that one of our own was gone - dead.  It was nothing I had ever expected, even in the darkest times.  No, something's wrong… this just isn't right. 

I wasn't there when it happened, but still the scene played on.  This next part I know for certain.

**

Sheriff Valenti tapped lightly on the double glass doors of the closed CrashDown and I glanced up, my breath catching sharply in my throat at his pained expression.  I remember… I remember calling out for Michael and Maria, who were both in the kitchen finishing the monthly inventory.  At the sound of my voice, they came running out to me.  It must have been my tone, but they just seemed to know something was wrong.  It was Michael who finally opened the door for Valenti.

I saw the blood first.  It was light, just a few specks sprayed on the sheriff's jean shirt, barely noticeable, though it seemed my eyes were drawn to the stains.  My legs became weak and I was forced to either kneel down or fall down.  I chose the former and Maria sank to my side on the cold linoleum. 

His voice was shaky, laden with emotion.  "There's been an accident…"  Valenti's sentence trailed off, as if he were trying to find an easy way to tell us the worst.  "Uh… Alex-"

"No - no, no, no!"  The cries came from Maria, but they were being echoed in my own soul.  Not Alex!  He was finally so happy.  How could this happen to one of us?

Michael crossed the room in two swift steps, pulling Maria into his loving arms, knowing nothing he could say would ease the sting of reality.  I stayed on the floor, alone and numb, incapable of  moving or talking.  Somehow, Valenti found the strength to describe what had happened.

It was a Skin… an alien working for Kivar, and more recently Nicholas.  He hid in the shadows of the alley, waiting… waiting for Isabel.  His orders, straight from the boy-leader himself:  If he couldn't have Isabel, then no one could.

As the two teens walked home from the late movie, the skin hid… and when the time was right, he struck from behind.  The weapon was as extraterrestrial as the assassin, designed to drain the life from an alien and now a human-alien hybrid.  Isabel had no chance to react and would have been dead within minutes.  The weapon was not a merciful one… death was a drawn out affair… the pain escalating in intensity until the brain was eventually overloaded.  Alex did not intend to allow that to happen.  Almost in the same instant as the Skin attacked, he pushed the woman of his dreams out of the line of fire, drawing the full of the weapon onto himself.  His frail human genetics was no match for the alien device, and he was dead within the first half-second.  Alex's death cry was the last escape of air from his lifeless body.

He said he tried - Max, that is… he said he drained himself dry trying to repair the damage, but it was too extensive.  And a little piece of me believes him.  But the rest of me is angry - bitter for the loss of my friend.  I can't even bear to look at him as he stands near the open earth watching the casket lower into the ground.  His expression is sad, I imagine. 

The service is finally over… I think it was beautiful.  I'm not sure because the entire time the events which led us here were drowning out the pastor.  Someone, possibly my father, nudges me forward and I toss my single white rose into the hole where Alex's body was laid to rest.  White roses for peace.  I have to hope he finally found peace.

When I pass Max, I hear him whisper my name, but I still can't see him, to look at his face would tear me apart.  He is no longer mine, that is for certain.  I was told of it this morning by Michael and Maria - Tess is pregnant.  Great timing on the news.  I mean, once you hit rock bottom on the emotional roller coaster, it's hard to go any lower.

He calls my name again, this time a bit louder, his voice pleading for me to acknowledge him.  No!  I refuse to let him think everything is going to be all right.  Turning from him, I start to move towards my parent's car away from his sad voice.  Movement on the hillside catches my attention, and I'm race off away from everyone to follow the figure in the distance.  I try to quicken my pace but I am slowed by my heeled shoes sinking into the soft ground.

I lost sight of the figure and was just about to write the whole thing off as my mind playing tricks on me, when he appeared again, this time about twenty steps ahead of me.  He looked the same as the last time I saw him, and for the first time in three days, a new scene flashed in my head.  Dancing on my balcony, a sense of sadness surrounding us both the memory of a wedding song running through both of our souls keeping us in perfect harmony.  There he was right in front of me.  The one Max who was truly mine – my husband.

I wanted to run to him... to find solace in his embrace,  but the anger I felt for present Max stopped me short.  He stood motionless, a regal soldier from the future.

It was then I spoke for the first time since finding out Alex's fate.  And I was angry.

"You knew!  You knew this was going to happen,  didn't you!?!"  Rushing forward I began to beat my fists on his chest.  "You bastard!  Alex never asked for this... he never wanted to fight in your war!"

All the emotions, all the tears, all the hate I had been bottling up inside of me bubbled to escape.  Max allowed me my rampage... mostly because he knew I needed it, partly because I think he had no clue of how to stop it.  The fit ran it's course quickly and soon I could barely even stand.  I sank to the dewy grass and sobbed loudly, my throat tight and hoarse.  "You knew.  You could have told me... you should have told me..."  Hiding my hot face in my hands, I could only weep.

Wordlessly, Future Max joined me on the grass.  He tenderly brushed my hands away and lifted my chin so my eyes would meet his.  In that tiny bit of personal contact, I saw another thing he had been hiding from me, other than Alex's death.  A birth.  December 14, 2009.  Claudia Grace Parker-Evans.

"We had a child?"  I asked, tears still streaming down my face.

In his eyes, I saw the shock.  The child was never something he wanted to reveal to me voluntarily.   "Yes," he said simply, echoing the word with a slight nod of his head.  "Our little Gracie... our hope for the future."

"No!  I would have never done that – brought a child into a war zone.  No!"  I said, adamantly refusing to believe what I saw... what I knew to be true… was true.  With one last look at his emotion filled face, I jumped to my feet and stalked away. 

He called out after me.  "Liz, wait!"  I refused to answer.  "Liz!!  I need you to help—"

"Help save the world again, Max?  I think I'll pass on this one," I interrupted, whirling to face him again.  The lost expression on his face made my harsh attitude falter, for a moment, but I upped my resolve not to let him in again.  "Where have you been all this time?  Did you ever disappear or have you been watching me all this time?"

The man shrugged, weariness evident in the small action, "I come and go from this reality… everything you do, every choice you make reacts my existence.  If you choose to wear the olive shirt and not the red one, I – he might feel something for you again, and I reappear.  Usually the feelings pass quick enough that I don't get anywhere, but it happens.  And in the void, I see things.  I see how the present line will play out.  That's why I need your help."

"I'm through, Max… with you… with him… with the whole alien thing.  Let me live my life."  I assumed his silence was a sign that he agreed with my thoughts, so I turned to leave.

His voice broke the stillness of the moment.  "There's something wrong with Tess…"

"Tess?"  My legs were paralyzed, and even though I wanted desperately to, I was unable to move.  "What could be wrong with Tess?  She has everything she's ever wanted… Hell!  She has everything I've ever wanted!  Destiny, Max, a baby on the way…"

Future Max rushed forward, grasping my shoulder and forced me to look at him.  "Tess is pregnant?"

I laughed, a bitter expulsion of air from my lungs,  "Yeah, congrats… you're gonna be a daddy!"

"She's dying, Liz… and you're the only one who can help,"  his chocolaty eyes were intense, pleading. 

At his admission of this truth, I stared at him stunned, not able to believe what he said.  To be told that you are the only chance for a woman who took away everything you ever cared about, how was I supposed to react?  "I – I don't care.  Let her die."

"Liz…" 

"No!  Where was she when Alex took his last breath?  Why didn't she try to help?  If you want her to live… you're just gonna have to go to someone else.  I just can't seem to care anymore!"

***

Walking away from him was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.  Why is it that every day… every action… seems to be increasingly more difficult than the one before?  I rejoined the group of funeral attendees.  Sean DeLuca stepped to my side. 

"Do you want me to take you home, Parker?"

I stared at him, grateful for his presence.  "Yes, please."

Expecting only to see a nod or shake of the head, he was surprised to hear me speak.  Sean gently draped his arm over my shoulder and led me to his old green car. 

We passed present Max, and I was not able to look away.  His eyes, sad, but identical in every way with future Max's, locked with mine.  "Liz?  I'm –"  My eyes closed involuntarily, trying to trap the tears behind my lids, but he spoke on.  "I'm sorry, Liz… I never wanted—"

"No!"  I shouted, startling many around us.  "I don't need your excuses!  You are responsible… Nothing you can say will ever change the way I feel about this."  I dropped my voice to a low growling whisper.  "You let him die."

Sean pulled me away and started us on the way to the car, but I could sense that Max was following.  He grabbed my arm and jerked me from the security and comfort of Sean.  "Listen to me—" 

Max wasn't able to finish whatever it was he wanted to say, because Sean whirled into motion.  Stepping forward between me and my ex-love, the older male swung a punch, and it connected strongly with the alien's face.  "Don't touch her, man," he said, breathlessly, his adrenaline pumping.

With Max still on the ground, we continued our walk to the car, probing eyes and curious faces following our every movement.  I assume Tess or Michael helped Max to his feet, for he rushed after us again.  I heard his voice, full of pain and tears, call out to me.  "If you go… our friendship is over!"

I took one last glance over my shoulder.  There he was, the love my life, with Tess close behind.  In fact, all my friends were there, behind him.  And it was over… I chose to live my own life and move on.  Settling into the passenger seat of Sean's car, I closed my eyes and welcomed the changes in the universe.  Finally, I would create my own destiny, just like he always said I could.

I'm thinking of continuing this, so feedback would definitely help my decision along!