Fellowship of the Dicks
By: Mika (FTLOSuzaku@hotmail.com) Co-sometimes-author: Reirei no miko (Reirei_no_miko@hotmail.com)
Notes:
1) We own nothing 2) We are Poor 3) We do this for fun- if you're offended, stop reading 4) Thought can be found between // and // k? Thank you!
Chapter 2- The Dicks with Pointy Ears
Elrond was not expecting to be rained on. Or for that matter to be happily enjoying dinner at one moment and to have his lap full of hysterically crying man the next.
He was not impressed with the Valars sense of humour.
Or with the man that was occupying his lap space.
"WHERE AM I, WHAT AM I DOING HERE, WHO ARE YOU, I WANNA GO HOME, THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING EVER AND DEAR LORD DO YOU HAVE.........pointy ears?"
"Lord Elrond are you......." Gandalf stopped mid-way through the great doors to the dining area, "well?"
Behind the Grey Wizard stopped both of Elronds sons and a company of royal guards.
Elrond looked at the man in his lap and back up at the wizard, "I assume you can explain this?" he asked dryly.
Gandalf looked at the girl who was just coming to terms with being in an Elf's lap. "Maybe, before you say anything, I should move." She said with a weak smile. She quickly jumped off, stumbling when a wave of nausea overtook her and tripped over her Victorian dress.
Elrond, quick on his feet (R: duh; M: Shh!) caught her swiftly and aided her to a kneeling position on the floor. "Are you ill?"
"I just fell from a different world into your lap- do you think I'm well?" she snapped, holing her head in pain. "Advil? Anyone, Advil?"
"You call for your love, my Lady?" Elohir asked from just inside the rooms entrance.
"No, for drugs..... herbs?"
"I've never heard of such herbs, but I can cure what ails you." Elrond said quietly.
Gandalf knelt on the other side of her saying, "You may in just a moment," he glanced down at her arm and frowned. " First, I would ask your name and the manner in which you acquired this abrasion." He asked quietly, looking into her eyes. Elrond seemed to have just noticed the hurt and grimaced.
"My name is Elizabeth Ann Ashling and I got this from the White Wizard." She said in a clear voice, even as her hands began to tremble.
"Tell me what happened." Gandalf requested, handing her a beading cup of water.
She took a sip, cleared her throat and closed her eyes to better remember everything. "We were shopping, I'd just come out of the changing room in a band new dress when there was a flash of light. Before I could turn around I felt someone grasp my arm. My best friend Nicole cursed and before I knew what was happening an old man was saying I belonged to him." Knowing where she was and to whom she was speaking Elizabeth tried to watch the words she used knowing they wouldn't understand most of them. She continued shakily, "my friends refused to let him take me and fought against him. He cast a spell and as my friends were trying to free me I arrived here....... where are my friends?"
Gandalf shook his head, "You need to try and remember if your friends were touching him at the time."
"Yes, one was gripping his staff and the other was holding my hand."
Gandalf turned to Elrond, "You may heal her now, and perhaps help her to calm down."
"What about my friends?" Lizzie cried after the wizards retreating back.
He turned to look at her, his blue eyes clouded over with concern, "I'll search for them."
* * * *
First the attacks on the northern border, then the threat of Mordor told by the Lady herself, then having to deal with his brothers, and now..........*this*.
Haldir of Lorien was not having a good day. Even after all the trouble he'd gone through the morn and throughout the afternoon he had to deal with this, a trespasser. He would have killed it immediately if it were not for Rumil holding him back. His arrow tensed even as he glared over his shoulder at his brother. "And why *shouldn't* I dispose of it?"
Orophin sighed, "We don't know if it is a trespasser or simply in need of help, brother. You can't just shoot it."
"And why not? I shoot everything else that trespasses in these lan- don't touch it!" Haldir snapped, swatting his brother's hand away from the curiously sprawled out life form in the dirt. "You don't know where it's -been-!"
Orophin looked from what he assumed was a man face first in the dirt up to his elder brother. "It is not an animal."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that."
"It looks to be in pain, hurt, lost......... have you no heart?" Rumil asked from where he stood off to one side.
"Fine, fine," with a haughty wave of his hand Haldir gave a disgusted sigh, "turn it over."
Gingerly Orophin grabbed one shoulder and pulled the man over so it lay on it's back. "My Lord? My Lord?" he asked, shaking the shoulder slightly to get a response.
Respond it did. "Five more minutes? I swear I'll get up, just give me five more minutes......" it croaked, raising a hand to swipe at flyaway hair.
"Minute?" the brothers looked at each other in confusion.
"You see, " Haldir lifted his nose, "An animal, can't even speak common."
"My Lord," Orophin shook a little harder, "My Lord you must awaken now."
The man turned over with a groan, exposing a bright and bleeding burn on one side of it's face. "Ow."
"My Lord, you're hurt!" Rumil exclaimed immediately reaching for healing herbs.
"Like a bitch too." The man grimaced as it got to it's elbows, still covered in mud.
Haldir grunted, "that's the second incomprehensible thing it's said. I say we kill it."
The mans' eyes cracked open for the first time to see Haldir looming over it. "Damn, you're tall. And nasty. And you're wearing tights.......are you Robin Hood?"
"No, I am Lord Haldir of Lothlorien guardian of the golden woods and I'm losing my patience. Tell me your name, where you are from and what you are doing in our wood."
"Wood?" the man finally looked around, trees, trees, three tall blonds and more trees. She pinched herself. Twice. "Where am I?"
"I have said you are in the Golden Woods of Lothlorien."
"Where?"
Orophin stepped up and offered the man a hand up while saying, "An elfin dwelling by the name of Lothlorien, have you never heard of these woods."
"I haven't covered the middle east in geography class yet."
"We haven't heard of Middle East, but we are in Middle-Earth."
"Where?" now standing the man steadied himself on his feet.
The three elves stepped back in shock. "You see, the poor creature has hit it's head much harder then we thought, let's put it out of it's misery." Haldir brandished another arrow.
Rumil grabbed it and put it in his own quiver, "Will you stop trying to kill him?"
Orophin from the mans' side jumped as it swayed on it's feet, "are you alright?"
"Dandy." Came the reply even as it fell forward.
Right for Haldir.
Out of sheer reflex and not pure kindness did Haldir stretch out his hands to stop a fall to the ground. Out of shock did his hands remain firmly planted, one on each side of the mans' chest. Taking a slow deep breath Haldir muttered, "It's no Lord."
Both brothers, confused, leaned forward to hear the rest, but upon seeing their brothers' hands cupped over an obviously not-quiet-so-flat chest shared a grin. "Who'da thought? She's a girl."
They caught her even as Haldir yanked his hands away to let her fall back into the mud. "That's no way to treat a Lady you've had your way with Brother."
"When I see a Lady I'll treat her the way she deserves, that mud rat is nothing but a pain in my immortal side which we will be depositing just outside our woods." He brushed off his hands. //Haldir.// Galadriels' sing- song voice resounded in his head, //are you in possession of a burned young female mortal at the moment?//
//Yes, My Lady.//
//Good, bring her here I wish to meet our new guest.//
This was not Haldirs day.
* * * *
//ooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyday........ I'm here, in a valley, with horses, a wizards staff and shopping bags....... I don't stick out like a sore thumb at all........ I see a BIG stone castle up there, and I have a sinking suspicion that that old geezer back in the mall wasn't joking about being Saruman the White.// Nicole stopped to take a breath, gazing at what she could only assume to be Helms Deep in front of her, //fuck// she picked back up the staff humming to herself if only to pass the time. //I'm off to se the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz.//
It took her all of three hours to reach it, and upon doing so remember that in order to come in she needed to have a story about who was attacking her. // I had a fight with the White Wizard and look I stole his staff!..... no that won't work, try again..... I'm from another world and landed here just this morning! No, that won't work either, they'll lock you up. Ohkay, um....... Orcs killed my family and I'm a..... shit..... I'm a damsel in fuckin' distress and I need a shitload of help and to HELL with prince charming I WANNA GO HOME! I can also cook, clean and I know first aid so please don't kick me out...... That sounds good, let's go.//
She gave her story (M: Minus the curses) to the gate guard and was given entrance. After finding a cot tucked away in what was called the 'woman's tower' and putting down all of her things in what seemed to be a safe niche she went looking for answers. She found them. //This IS Middle Earth, I AM in Rohan, the Fellowship SHOULD be joining us in a few months and......that guy is staring at me awfully funny.......I really don't like that I really shouldn't wear pants here but TO HELL with etiquette, I will wear what I please and oh-// "What are you staring at?" //much better, that's right Asshole, keep your tongue in your mouth and your eyes where they belong. I guess I need to DO something here though....... hmmmmmmmm first aid should be of use, and I think I'll start with talking to -that- doctor about herbs and others things used for healing here, may as well make myself useful until someone helpful comes along.//
She knew he was staring at her, watching her leave, but what to do? How often did you see a young woman dressed in pants healing people?
Helms Deep saw a lot of it over the next few months.
A/N: So ah, what do you think eh? More Canadian jokes and funny powers coming up soon. A little angst (R: A lot of angst) and humour, love and hate and all that good stuff that makes a good fic! See ya soon!
By: Mika (FTLOSuzaku@hotmail.com) Co-sometimes-author: Reirei no miko (Reirei_no_miko@hotmail.com)
Notes:
1) We own nothing 2) We are Poor 3) We do this for fun- if you're offended, stop reading 4) Thought can be found between // and // k? Thank you!
Chapter 2- The Dicks with Pointy Ears
Elrond was not expecting to be rained on. Or for that matter to be happily enjoying dinner at one moment and to have his lap full of hysterically crying man the next.
He was not impressed with the Valars sense of humour.
Or with the man that was occupying his lap space.
"WHERE AM I, WHAT AM I DOING HERE, WHO ARE YOU, I WANNA GO HOME, THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING EVER AND DEAR LORD DO YOU HAVE.........pointy ears?"
"Lord Elrond are you......." Gandalf stopped mid-way through the great doors to the dining area, "well?"
Behind the Grey Wizard stopped both of Elronds sons and a company of royal guards.
Elrond looked at the man in his lap and back up at the wizard, "I assume you can explain this?" he asked dryly.
Gandalf looked at the girl who was just coming to terms with being in an Elf's lap. "Maybe, before you say anything, I should move." She said with a weak smile. She quickly jumped off, stumbling when a wave of nausea overtook her and tripped over her Victorian dress.
Elrond, quick on his feet (R: duh; M: Shh!) caught her swiftly and aided her to a kneeling position on the floor. "Are you ill?"
"I just fell from a different world into your lap- do you think I'm well?" she snapped, holing her head in pain. "Advil? Anyone, Advil?"
"You call for your love, my Lady?" Elohir asked from just inside the rooms entrance.
"No, for drugs..... herbs?"
"I've never heard of such herbs, but I can cure what ails you." Elrond said quietly.
Gandalf knelt on the other side of her saying, "You may in just a moment," he glanced down at her arm and frowned. " First, I would ask your name and the manner in which you acquired this abrasion." He asked quietly, looking into her eyes. Elrond seemed to have just noticed the hurt and grimaced.
"My name is Elizabeth Ann Ashling and I got this from the White Wizard." She said in a clear voice, even as her hands began to tremble.
"Tell me what happened." Gandalf requested, handing her a beading cup of water.
She took a sip, cleared her throat and closed her eyes to better remember everything. "We were shopping, I'd just come out of the changing room in a band new dress when there was a flash of light. Before I could turn around I felt someone grasp my arm. My best friend Nicole cursed and before I knew what was happening an old man was saying I belonged to him." Knowing where she was and to whom she was speaking Elizabeth tried to watch the words she used knowing they wouldn't understand most of them. She continued shakily, "my friends refused to let him take me and fought against him. He cast a spell and as my friends were trying to free me I arrived here....... where are my friends?"
Gandalf shook his head, "You need to try and remember if your friends were touching him at the time."
"Yes, one was gripping his staff and the other was holding my hand."
Gandalf turned to Elrond, "You may heal her now, and perhaps help her to calm down."
"What about my friends?" Lizzie cried after the wizards retreating back.
He turned to look at her, his blue eyes clouded over with concern, "I'll search for them."
* * * *
First the attacks on the northern border, then the threat of Mordor told by the Lady herself, then having to deal with his brothers, and now..........*this*.
Haldir of Lorien was not having a good day. Even after all the trouble he'd gone through the morn and throughout the afternoon he had to deal with this, a trespasser. He would have killed it immediately if it were not for Rumil holding him back. His arrow tensed even as he glared over his shoulder at his brother. "And why *shouldn't* I dispose of it?"
Orophin sighed, "We don't know if it is a trespasser or simply in need of help, brother. You can't just shoot it."
"And why not? I shoot everything else that trespasses in these lan- don't touch it!" Haldir snapped, swatting his brother's hand away from the curiously sprawled out life form in the dirt. "You don't know where it's -been-!"
Orophin looked from what he assumed was a man face first in the dirt up to his elder brother. "It is not an animal."
"I wouldn't be so sure about that."
"It looks to be in pain, hurt, lost......... have you no heart?" Rumil asked from where he stood off to one side.
"Fine, fine," with a haughty wave of his hand Haldir gave a disgusted sigh, "turn it over."
Gingerly Orophin grabbed one shoulder and pulled the man over so it lay on it's back. "My Lord? My Lord?" he asked, shaking the shoulder slightly to get a response.
Respond it did. "Five more minutes? I swear I'll get up, just give me five more minutes......" it croaked, raising a hand to swipe at flyaway hair.
"Minute?" the brothers looked at each other in confusion.
"You see, " Haldir lifted his nose, "An animal, can't even speak common."
"My Lord," Orophin shook a little harder, "My Lord you must awaken now."
The man turned over with a groan, exposing a bright and bleeding burn on one side of it's face. "Ow."
"My Lord, you're hurt!" Rumil exclaimed immediately reaching for healing herbs.
"Like a bitch too." The man grimaced as it got to it's elbows, still covered in mud.
Haldir grunted, "that's the second incomprehensible thing it's said. I say we kill it."
The mans' eyes cracked open for the first time to see Haldir looming over it. "Damn, you're tall. And nasty. And you're wearing tights.......are you Robin Hood?"
"No, I am Lord Haldir of Lothlorien guardian of the golden woods and I'm losing my patience. Tell me your name, where you are from and what you are doing in our wood."
"Wood?" the man finally looked around, trees, trees, three tall blonds and more trees. She pinched herself. Twice. "Where am I?"
"I have said you are in the Golden Woods of Lothlorien."
"Where?"
Orophin stepped up and offered the man a hand up while saying, "An elfin dwelling by the name of Lothlorien, have you never heard of these woods."
"I haven't covered the middle east in geography class yet."
"We haven't heard of Middle East, but we are in Middle-Earth."
"Where?" now standing the man steadied himself on his feet.
The three elves stepped back in shock. "You see, the poor creature has hit it's head much harder then we thought, let's put it out of it's misery." Haldir brandished another arrow.
Rumil grabbed it and put it in his own quiver, "Will you stop trying to kill him?"
Orophin from the mans' side jumped as it swayed on it's feet, "are you alright?"
"Dandy." Came the reply even as it fell forward.
Right for Haldir.
Out of sheer reflex and not pure kindness did Haldir stretch out his hands to stop a fall to the ground. Out of shock did his hands remain firmly planted, one on each side of the mans' chest. Taking a slow deep breath Haldir muttered, "It's no Lord."
Both brothers, confused, leaned forward to hear the rest, but upon seeing their brothers' hands cupped over an obviously not-quiet-so-flat chest shared a grin. "Who'da thought? She's a girl."
They caught her even as Haldir yanked his hands away to let her fall back into the mud. "That's no way to treat a Lady you've had your way with Brother."
"When I see a Lady I'll treat her the way she deserves, that mud rat is nothing but a pain in my immortal side which we will be depositing just outside our woods." He brushed off his hands. //Haldir.// Galadriels' sing- song voice resounded in his head, //are you in possession of a burned young female mortal at the moment?//
//Yes, My Lady.//
//Good, bring her here I wish to meet our new guest.//
This was not Haldirs day.
* * * *
//ooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyday........ I'm here, in a valley, with horses, a wizards staff and shopping bags....... I don't stick out like a sore thumb at all........ I see a BIG stone castle up there, and I have a sinking suspicion that that old geezer back in the mall wasn't joking about being Saruman the White.// Nicole stopped to take a breath, gazing at what she could only assume to be Helms Deep in front of her, //fuck// she picked back up the staff humming to herself if only to pass the time. //I'm off to se the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz.//
It took her all of three hours to reach it, and upon doing so remember that in order to come in she needed to have a story about who was attacking her. // I had a fight with the White Wizard and look I stole his staff!..... no that won't work, try again..... I'm from another world and landed here just this morning! No, that won't work either, they'll lock you up. Ohkay, um....... Orcs killed my family and I'm a..... shit..... I'm a damsel in fuckin' distress and I need a shitload of help and to HELL with prince charming I WANNA GO HOME! I can also cook, clean and I know first aid so please don't kick me out...... That sounds good, let's go.//
She gave her story (M: Minus the curses) to the gate guard and was given entrance. After finding a cot tucked away in what was called the 'woman's tower' and putting down all of her things in what seemed to be a safe niche she went looking for answers. She found them. //This IS Middle Earth, I AM in Rohan, the Fellowship SHOULD be joining us in a few months and......that guy is staring at me awfully funny.......I really don't like that I really shouldn't wear pants here but TO HELL with etiquette, I will wear what I please and oh-// "What are you staring at?" //much better, that's right Asshole, keep your tongue in your mouth and your eyes where they belong. I guess I need to DO something here though....... hmmmmmmmm first aid should be of use, and I think I'll start with talking to -that- doctor about herbs and others things used for healing here, may as well make myself useful until someone helpful comes along.//
She knew he was staring at her, watching her leave, but what to do? How often did you see a young woman dressed in pants healing people?
Helms Deep saw a lot of it over the next few months.
A/N: So ah, what do you think eh? More Canadian jokes and funny powers coming up soon. A little angst (R: A lot of angst) and humour, love and hate and all that good stuff that makes a good fic! See ya soon!
