part 4

Title: The Dark Apology

Author: Maea MacDermod

Email: maeve_aislinn@yahoo.com; feedback is like a drug to me! Please, feed the monkey!

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: "Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers." - Erik Pepke (but just in case… Don't sue me, please!)

Spoilers: So anything including and prior to Heart of Mine is fair game.

Summary: This story is my thoughts for the episode after Heart of Mine…. I'm an unspoiled Roswellian, so it's all speculation based on CYN's preview.

Category: General

Distribution: Want it? Take it… just let me know!

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"Destiny is but a phrase of the weak human heart - the dark apology for every error. The strong and virtuous admit no destiny."

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (1803-73)

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I found out from Maria that they were keeping Tess at Michael's apartment, so after I left the motel I went straight there. Isabel answered the door, her appearance rough and ragged… and very surprised. I'm sure I was the last person she ever expected.

"Liz?!" she questioned, stepping to the side to allow me in.

"Maria's on her way with some food from the CrashDown for you guys," I said matter-of-factly. I looked around the living room, meeting the stares of the other stunned people there. It was a full house… Michael, Isabel and the Valenti's – both Kyle and the Sheriff – were all huddled in the main room, and I assumed that Max and Tess were hidden off in the small bedroom.

Almost as if to validate my assumption, Max exited the blocked off room to my left, rubbing his temples. He did not notice my arrival right away.

"Maria, did you bring the ice? Her fever's spiking again." The stillness of the room was loaded in tension. Everyone waited to see what he would do when he saw me, most of all me.

Isabel shattered the silence. "Max…"

He looked up and met my eyes instantly. I winced slightly at the cold pain and fatigue that I saw in his soul, but would not break away. There was a bitter tone to his voice when he spoke. "What are you doing here?"

'I'm here to save the world, again…' the smart-ass part of me wanted to scream at him. For an unknown reason, my legs trembled and I willed them to stop… I was not going to falter… I was going to finish this once and for all… mostly so that I could be free and move on.

"I – I don't know what I can do, Max… but I want to try. What Maria told you could be true, and I can't live with myself if I don't at least attempt to help…"

For a moment, I thought he might reject my offer for help, but we both heard a slight moan emanating from the bedroom. Tess was in a lot of pain, and he would do anything to stop it. That's what I read in his overburdened stare… more than anything, he just wanted to protect one of his people.

Max shifted on his feet, leading the way for me into Michael's bedroom, but I was in no way prepared for the sight that met me when I stepped through the curtained doorway… the sight of Tess. A jolt of fear coursed through my entire body, so strongly I know that Max felt it too. He looked at me strangely.

"Can you do this or not?"

I swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded, moving over to kneel by the ill alien's side. Her skin was mottled, the tone patchy and uneven… her lips so pale they were almost white. Just being near her, I could feel the heat of her fever. It was shocking how rapidly her condition has worsened since I last saw her… at Alex's funeral. I pushed that thought from my head, and leaned into the soft mattress. With the gentle motion on the bed, Tess stirred, opening her eyes. Eyes that were normally a cool blue were now faded into a mottled gray, the whites now overtaking the colored parts with a thick cataract of yellow. I was reminded of when Michael was sick.

I felt Max's presence near, and he spoke softly as if he was reading my mind. "We tried to take her to the pod chamber and use the healing stones, but they didn't work. This isn't the same as what Michael had… it's worse."

Without replying, I reached down and wrung out the washcloth that was in the basin near me. I gently brushed the hair from Tess's face, much like I did my own child's earlier, the alien smiling faintly as I laid the cool cloth on her forehead.

Her voice was ragged… parched, as if she had spent many days in the desert with no water. I bowed close so that I could hear her words. "Thank you… for… trying…"

I was not going to allow myself to cry. "I'm not doing this for you," I said.

"Then… I'm sure… he tha – thanks you…"

"I'm not doing this for him, either."

Even in her sickness, I could see the bewilderment in her facial expression. "Who… then?"

'Should I tell her?' I wondered silently. Tell her that I'm doing this for a child that will probably no longer exist once the deed is done… for a future that seemingly will die if I have one moment of happiness?

"I'm doing this for me, Tess. For me… because this is what needs to be done."

She nodded, understanding even the things that were unspoken between us. Tess's breathing worsened by the second, and I felt there was no time to spare. I reached out and 'scanned' her trembling body with my hands, palms down towards her. Future Max told me that I would be able to 'feel' the cause of the illness within her this way, but he could not put the feeling I would receive into words. I hoped it would be strong enough to tell a human where to heal an alien. Hope was all I had.

I started my scan on the outer limbs of her body, the arms and the legs and then centered in on her head and chest. So far, nothing. I could almost hear Future Max's voice in my head, telling me not to be discouraged. Taking a deep breath, I moved down further in her torso, but present Max's proximity made me stop.

"I can't do this with you breathing down my neck, Max," I said, craning my head around to look at him. "Either step back and give me some room, or leave…"

He matched my intense stare with one of his own, and it was obvious I was not going to back down first, so he submitted. "I'm not leaving," Max crossed his arms over his chest with an expression of determination on his face, and took three big steps back, leaning against the wall. That was good enough for me.

Tess choked, "He… means… well…"

I shushed her, getting back to work. If nothing jumped out at me in this next scan, I wasn't sure what to do. My mind and my heart agreed that I would give it another pass if that were the case. Other than that, there was nothing I could do.

Starting again at the same place I left off, I allowed my mind to blank as my hands hovered over her. It wasn't until several seconds later that I realized her breathing pattern had begun to match mine… when I inhaled and exhaled, so did she. If nothing else, I would stay here and make her last hours or whatever more comfortable for as long as I could. As I neared her stomach, I could feel more warmth emanate from the area, but once I passed my hand over her abdomen, the heat spiked and I almost felt the need to jerk my hand away. This must be it… the source of the illness. For good measure, I started at her head again and slowly moved back down her body. The result was the same, searing fire pouring from the area.

I stared into Tess's eyes, now completely clouded. "Can you hear me?" Her only response was incoherent mumbling. "Tess… I think I found it," I whispered, trying not to let Max hear me. "Hang in there."

Following the instructions of my 'would-be' husband, I placed one hand on the hotspot and the other on Tess's sweat slicked forehead. For the second time that day, my body trembled… but this time I knew the cause. I was afraid… I was so afraid of what might happen if I failed, and at the same time I was terrified at what will happen if this is successful. Everything that made me happy – that made me *me* – in the future will be gone.

I refused to think of that anymore. I was here for a purpose and it will be served. Again, I blanked my mind and focused on the task. Within seconds the flashes of Tess's life began. I expected to see the memories, but I never knew the intensity in which I would feel them.

In fact, we all felt them. As the first flash began, a charged light built up beneath my palms and within seconds it grew too large to contain. I pushed harder onto Tess's body, causing the light to expand from our central location, through the room around us, and eventually into the rest of the apartment. I could not tear my concentration from my task, but I heard a thud as Max was thrown against the bedroom wall. For a moment, a gusty wind tore through the room, but after a short while that calmed and I was left with the visions of the ill alien.

FLASH: Breaking through the membranes of the Pod and taking the first breaths of the Earth's atmosphere.

FLASH: The loneliness she felt as she realized that the other pods were empty, and the fear of seeing Nasedo for the first time.

FLASH: Moving from place to place, trying to stay one step ahead of the FBI.

FLASH: Tess's first sight of Max and Liz together on the Quad.

The flashes started out slow and pronounced, each one a separate event in itself, but as they continued, the speed increased… the flashes merging with one another. Only a few events stuck in mind. The first mindwarp with Max, saving him from Eagle Rock, the death of Nasedo, being in New York, Lonnie and Rath in the sewers, hanging with Kyle and the Sheriff, almost kissing Kyle, prom night, Tess's first time with Max… I had to stop myself from pulling away at that last blurred vision. The intensity of the feelings, the sensation as Max made love to the blonde… it was very hard for me. I held on and eventually the flashes stopped.

My heart was thundering in my chest, and my lungs felt as if they would explode. I pulled away from Tess's body, gasping for air, as she did the same. Pushing myself to my shaky legs, I turned to see the whole group standing behind me in the small room. They stared at the two of us in amazement.

I allowed my eyes to meet Max's. He seemed to be safe and sound from his toss earlier; the only injury I could see was a swelling bruise over his right eye, from where he hit the corner of a chest of drawers.

He stepped forward towards me, and then reached out to smooth my wind blown hair. From the corner of my eye, I could see the wildness of it in a wall mirror. "Are you okay?" Max asked, his expression a mixture of concern and astonishment.

"I'll live," I said simply, stepping to the side. "And so will she."

The group focused onto Tess's tiny form lying in the bed. Already her appearance was improving, the color coming back to her face, her eyes returning to their normal blue. Max knelt by her side, but spoke to me. "The baby?"

"He's fine."

The Alien King stood again. "He? It's a boy?" I nodded. In his eyes, I saw a hint of… disappointment? "I thought… I was almost certain it was a girl…" he said softly, so low that only I could hear. "There were dreams… of a dark-haired daughter… Gracie…"

Upon hearing this, I turned to leave the room. I couldn't bear it any longer. Maria stood at the door, blocking my way.

"Let me and Michael take you home, Liz… you're exhausted."

I brushed her away. "I'm fine. I have my dad's car…"

Just as I reached the front door, Max's voice called out to stop me. "Liz… can I call you? I want to—"

I didn't care what he wanted. "No. I'm done, Max. Everything that I've ever owed you… or anything that you think I might have owed you for… Basically, all debts are paid. Don't come near me anymore. Please." I opened the door, stepped through and then firmly shut it behind me, with a resolve I did not feel. And that's when the tears started.

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