Title: The Dark Apology
Author: Maea MacDermod
Email: maeve_aislinn@yahoo.com;
feedback is like a drug to me! Please, feed the monkey!
Rating: PG
Disclaimer: "Any society
that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers." - Erik Pepke (but just
in case… Don't sue me, please!)
Spoilers: So anything including
and prior to Heart of Mine is fair game.
Summary: This story is my
thoughts for the episode after Heart of Mine…. I'm an unspoiled Roswellian, so
it's all speculation based on CYN's preview.
Category: General
Distribution: Want
it? Take it… just let me know!
***
"Destiny is but a phrase of
the weak human heart - the dark apology for every error. The strong and
virtuous admit no destiny."
Edward
George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (1803-73)
***
I found out from Maria that they
were keeping Tess at Michael's apartment, so after I left the motel I went
straight there. Isabel answered the
door, her appearance rough and ragged… and very surprised. I'm sure I was the last person she ever
expected.
"Liz?!" she
questioned, stepping to the side to allow me in.
"Maria's on her way with
some food from the CrashDown for you guys," I said matter-of-factly. I looked around the living room, meeting the
stares of the other stunned people there. It was a full house… Michael, Isabel and the Valenti's – both Kyle and
the Sheriff – were all huddled in the main room, and I assumed that Max and
Tess were hidden off in the small bedroom.
Almost
as if to validate my assumption, Max exited the blocked off room to my left,
rubbing his temples. He did not notice
my arrival right away.
"Maria,
did you bring the ice? Her fever's
spiking again." The stillness of
the room was loaded in tension. Everyone waited to see what he would do when he saw me, most of all me.
Isabel
shattered the silence. "Max…"
He
looked up and met my eyes instantly. I
winced slightly at the cold pain and fatigue that I saw in his soul, but would
not break away. There was a bitter tone
to his voice when he spoke. "What
are you doing here?"
'I'm
here to save the world, again…' the smart-ass part of me wanted to scream at
him. For an unknown reason, my legs
trembled and I willed them to stop… I was not going to falter… I was going to
finish this once and for all… mostly so that I could be free and move on.
"I
– I don't know what I can do, Max… but I want to try. What Maria told you could be true, and I can't live with myself
if I don't at least attempt to help…"
For a
moment, I thought he might reject my offer for help, but we both heard a slight
moan emanating from the bedroom. Tess
was in a lot of pain, and he would do anything to stop it. That's what I read in his overburdened
stare… more than anything, he just wanted to protect one of his people.
Max
shifted on his feet, leading the way for me into Michael's bedroom, but I was
in no way prepared for the sight that met me when I stepped through the
curtained doorway… the sight of Tess. A
jolt of fear coursed through my entire body, so strongly I know that Max felt
it too. He looked at me strangely.
"Can
you do this or not?"
I
swallowed the knot in my throat and nodded, moving over to kneel by the ill
alien's side. Her skin was mottled, the
tone patchy and uneven… her lips so pale they were almost white. Just being near her, I could feel the heat
of her fever. It was shocking how
rapidly her condition has worsened since I last saw her… at Alex's
funeral. I pushed that thought from my
head, and leaned into the soft mattress. With the gentle motion on the bed, Tess stirred, opening her eyes. Eyes that were normally a cool blue were now
faded into a mottled gray, the whites now overtaking the colored parts with a
thick cataract of yellow. I was reminded
of when Michael was sick.
I felt
Max's presence near, and he spoke softly as if he was reading my mind. "We tried to take her to the pod
chamber and use the healing stones, but they didn't work. This isn't the same as what Michael had…
it's worse."
Without
replying, I reached down and wrung out the washcloth that was in the basin near
me. I gently brushed the hair from
Tess's face, much like I did my own child's earlier, the alien smiling faintly
as I laid the cool cloth on her forehead.
Her
voice was ragged… parched, as if she had spent many days in the desert with no
water. I bowed close so that I could
hear her words. "Thank you… for…
trying…"
I was
not going to allow myself to cry. "I'm not doing this for you," I said.
"Then…
I'm sure… he tha – thanks you…"
"I'm
not doing this for him, either."
Even in
her sickness, I could see the bewilderment in her facial expression. "Who… then?"
'Should
I tell her?' I wondered silently. Tell her that I'm doing this for a child
that will probably no longer exist once the deed is done… for a future that
seemingly will die if I have one moment of happiness?
"I'm
doing this for me, Tess. For me…
because this is what needs to be done."
She
nodded, understanding even the things that were unspoken between us. Tess's breathing worsened by the second, and
I felt there was no time to spare. I
reached out and 'scanned' her trembling body with my hands, palms down towards
her. Future Max told me that I would be
able to 'feel' the cause of the illness within her this way, but he could not
put the feeling I would receive into words. I hoped it would be strong enough to tell a human where to heal an
alien. Hope was all I had.
I
started my scan on the outer limbs of her body, the arms and the legs and then
centered in on her head and chest. So
far, nothing. I could almost hear Future
Max's voice in my head, telling me not to be discouraged. Taking a deep breath, I moved down further
in her torso, but present Max's proximity made me stop.
"I
can't do this with you breathing down my neck, Max," I said, craning my
head around to look at him. "Either step back and give me some room, or leave…"
He
matched my intense stare with one of his own, and it was obvious I was not
going to back down first, so he submitted. "I'm not leaving," Max crossed his arms over his chest with an
expression of determination on his face, and took three big steps back, leaning
against the wall. That was good enough
for me.
Tess
choked, "He… means… well…"
I
shushed her, getting back to work. If
nothing jumped out at me in this next scan, I wasn't sure what to do. My mind and my heart agreed that I would
give it another pass if that were the case. Other than that, there was nothing I could do.
Starting
again at the same place I left off, I allowed my mind to blank as my hands
hovered over her. It wasn't until
several seconds later that I realized her breathing pattern had begun to match
mine… when I inhaled and exhaled, so did she. If nothing else, I would stay here and make her last hours or whatever
more comfortable for as long as I could. As I neared her stomach, I could feel more warmth emanate from the area,
but once I passed my hand over her abdomen, the heat spiked and I almost felt
the need to jerk my hand away. This
must be it… the source of the illness. For good measure, I started at her head again and slowly moved back down
her body. The result was the same,
searing fire pouring from the area.
I stared
into Tess's eyes, now completely clouded. "Can you hear me?" Her only response was incoherent mumbling. "Tess… I think I found it," I whispered, trying not to
let Max hear me. "Hang in
there."
Following
the instructions of my 'would-be' husband, I placed one hand on the hotspot and
the other on Tess's sweat slicked forehead. For the second time that day, my body trembled… but this time I knew the
cause. I was afraid… I was so afraid of
what might happen if I failed, and at the same time I was terrified at what
will happen if this is successful. Everything
that made me happy – that made me *me* – in the future will be gone.
I
refused to think of that anymore. I was
here for a purpose and it will be served. Again, I blanked my mind and focused on the task. Within seconds the flashes of Tess's life
began. I expected to see the memories,
but I never knew the intensity in which I would feel them.
In fact,
we all felt them. As the first flash
began, a charged light built up beneath my palms and within seconds it grew too
large to contain. I pushed harder onto
Tess's body, causing the light to expand from our central location, through the
room around us, and eventually into the rest of the apartment. I could not tear my concentration from my
task, but I heard a thud as Max was thrown against the bedroom wall. For a moment, a gusty wind tore through the
room, but after a short while that calmed and I was left with the visions of
the ill alien.
FLASH: Breaking through the membranes of the Pod
and taking the first breaths of the Earth's atmosphere.
FLASH: The loneliness she felt as she realized that
the other pods were empty, and the fear of seeing Nasedo for the first time.
FLASH: Moving from place to place, trying to stay
one step ahead of the FBI.
FLASH: Tess's first sight of Max and Liz together
on the Quad.
The
flashes started out slow and pronounced, each one a separate event in itself,
but as they continued, the speed increased… the flashes merging with one
another. Only a few events stuck in
mind. The first mindwarp with Max, saving
him from Eagle Rock, the death of Nasedo, being in New York, Lonnie and Rath in
the sewers, hanging with Kyle and the Sheriff, almost kissing Kyle, prom night,
Tess's first time with Max… I had to stop myself from pulling away at that last
blurred vision. The intensity of the
feelings, the sensation as Max made love to the blonde… it was very hard for
me. I held on and eventually the
flashes stopped.
My heart
was thundering in my chest, and my lungs felt as if they would explode. I pulled away from Tess's body, gasping for
air, as she did the same. Pushing
myself to my shaky legs, I turned to see the whole group standing behind me in
the small room. They stared at the two
of us in amazement.
I
allowed my eyes to meet Max's. He
seemed to be safe and sound from his toss earlier; the only injury I could see
was a swelling bruise over his right eye, from where he hit the corner of a
chest of drawers.
He
stepped forward towards me, and then reached out to smooth my wind blown
hair. From the corner of my eye, I
could see the wildness of it in a wall mirror. "Are you okay?" Max asked, his expression a mixture of concern
and astonishment.
"I'll
live," I said simply, stepping to the side. "And so will she."
The
group focused onto Tess's tiny form lying in the bed. Already her appearance was improving, the color coming back to
her face, her eyes returning to their normal blue. Max knelt by her side, but spoke to me. "The baby?"
"He's
fine."
The
Alien King stood again. "He? It's a boy?" I nodded. In his eyes, I
saw a hint of… disappointment? "I
thought… I was almost certain it was a girl…" he said softly, so low that
only I could hear. "There were
dreams… of a dark-haired daughter… Gracie…"
Upon
hearing this, I turned to leave the room. I couldn't bear it any longer. Maria stood at the door, blocking my way.
"Let
me and Michael take you home, Liz… you're exhausted."
I
brushed her away. "I'm fine. I have my dad's car…"
Just as
I reached the front door, Max's voice called out to stop me. "Liz… can I call you? I want to—"
I didn't
care what he wanted. "No. I'm done, Max. Everything that I've ever owed you… or anything that you think I
might have owed you for… Basically, all debts are paid. Don't come near me anymore. Please." I opened the door, stepped through and then firmly shut it behind
me, with a resolve I did not feel. And
that's when the tears started.
***
