part 5

Title: The Dark Apology

Author: Maea MacDermod

Email: maeve_aislinn@yahoo.com; feedback is like a drug to me! Please, feed the monkey!

Rating: PG

Disclaimer: "Any society that needs disclaimers has too many lawyers." - Erik Pepke (but just in case… Don't sue me, please!)

Spoilers: So anything including and prior to Heart of Mine is fair game.

Summary: This story is my thoughts for the episode after Heart of Mine…. I'm an unspoiled Roswellian, so it's all speculation based on CYN's preview.

Category: General

Distribution: Want it? Take it… just let me know!

***

"Destiny is but a phrase of the weak human heart - the dark apology for every error. The strong and virtuous admit no destiny."

Edward George Earle Lytton Bulwer-Lytton (1803-73)

***

By the time I reached my room, I had pretty much gotten my sobbing under control, but I knew my eyes must have been bloodshot which I'm sure matched my splotchy cheeks perfectly. How did I know this? It was a dead giveaway with the welcome Sean gave me when I entered.

Sean stood from the bed, not even bothering to explain why he was in my room. "What's wrong? What happened?" he asked, full of concern. In this past week, I have been privy to a softer side of Sean DeLuca... a side I was beginning to like.

I tried to smile as he stroked my cheek, "Nothing. Everything's fine."

He tilted my chin up and softly met his lips to mine. "I'm getting a Max vibe from you."

"Not everything in my life that upsets me is about Max Evans, Sean." I said, my voice mopey at the mention of the alien's name.

"All I'm saying is that I don't trust the guy… that whole hostage thing in the UFO Center… that was extremely shady. And I know shady, Liz. Aunt Amy doesn't remember a thing…"

"Sean! I thought we agreed not to talk about that anymore. Okay? I just had a tough day… actually, I'm having quite a tough life. Just let it go."

Sean pulled me into his gentle arms and hugged me tight to his chest. "I'm sorry." As he started to lean down to kiss me, a voice broke into the silence of the room.

"Am I interrupting?" Our attention shot over to the window, where Maria was half inside and half out. "I need to talk to you, Liz…" she glanced at her cousin, "… alone."

I crossed my arms over my chest. "He doesn't have to go…" But Sean bent down to pick up his jacket. "You don't have to go!"

"Actually I should. It's my night to cook dinner. M… are you coming home? I need to know whether to open two or three cans of Spaghetti-O's."

Maria rolled her eyes. "Whatever, just go."

He left through the window she just vacated. "He didn't have to go, Maria."

"Listen, Liz… it's Max and Tess—"

"Are they okay? Did it not work?" a hundred thousand scenarios flooded my head, and the room began to spin.

"Whoa! Calm down! They're fine… but I think there's something you should know. Max is planning on coming to see you. I just thought you would like some fair warning."

"Why? I told him to leave me alone."

"That's just it… I don't know why! After you left, he bent down to kiss Tess, they both got these weird expressions on their faces and then he asked for privacy. None of us know what happened, but Michael called me to tell me Max mentioned coming to see you. I think there was something weird about Tess's illness. Michael and Isabel said they felt something strange after you healed her… like something was missing."

I narrowed my eyes. "What do you mean?"

"They mentioned a pressure in their heads that had been present for the past couple weeks. I don't know what it is, or was, but they're thinking it was something alien. Liz… I think Max wants to get back together with you…"

"NO WAY! Nuh-uh! I want him out of my life! I want to have a life again… preferably with someone who can't use the 'It Must Be Something Alien' excuse."

"Someone like my loser cousin?" she said, her tone snappy.

"Maybe… Sean is a good guy, Maria. He's been here for me, when I needed him most. Max hasn't. I need—"

"You need so much more than what he has to offer, Liz! Trust me, I'm your best friend. You need someone who is an equal to you… someone smart… someone who is capable of loving you the way Max does… You need—"

"Normal! I need normal! Please. That's all I want."

A light knock on the door caused us both to look over and my heart to race. "Come in?" I answered.

My dad pushed the door open. "Lizzie… Oh, hey, Maria!"

"Hi, Mr. Parker."

"Liz, Suzie called in sick today… do you think you're up to working her shift? I really need you."

His worried eyes searched my tired ones, for any sign of resistance. I was too drained to offer it. "Sure, dad. Let me change and I'll be right down."

I watched as a grin stretched on my father from ear to ear. I could almost see that for the first time since Alex's death, he knew that I was going to make it through this. I wish I could be as confident as he. "Take your time, sweetie... there's no customers right now." He turned and exited my room and I looked back to Maria.

"You need to find him and tell him that I want nothing else to do with him, Maria."

"NO! I can't do that!"

I just wanted this to be over… "You came here to tell me he's coming… now all I want is for you to go tell him not to bother."

A flicker of resignation crossed over her face, but only for a split second. "No… Let him come, Liz. Let him say what he needs to say, then let it go. I'm done dealing with this." Maria climbed out the same window her cousin did moments earlier. "Hear him out… it might just change your mind."

**

Walking down the stairs in full uniform seemed wrong… like life going on was just wrong. I noticed my dad gathering his stuff to leave the café.

"Lizzie! Hey, your mom's car broke down outside of Hondo, so I have to go pick her up. Are you going to be okay, alone?"

Actually, aloneness sounded blissful. "I'll be fine, dad."

"Great! Uh, Bethany and Erin are coming in to back you up, and Michael is running the kitchen until Jose gets here. No customers so far, so if you could sweep the pavement in front of the door, I'd love it." He paused, "I'm not overloading you on your first day back, am I?"

"Daaad! Just go! You know how mom gets when you keep her waiting. I've handled this place a thousand times."

With one last worried glance at me, he finally jogged to the exit and left. Taking a deep breath, I grabbed the broom and made my way towards the dining room. The breath caught in my throat as I walked through the door and was confronted by Max.

"I need to talk to you, Liz," he said, his eyes imploring for an understanding I couldn't offer.

"I said all I had to say, and I've listened to enough. Please just leave me alone."

Max stepped closer, and I was afraid that he might try to connect with me, so I jumped back. "I'm not going to hurt you! I would never try to hurt you!"

Fresh tears stung my eyes, "Too late…"

He continued on, "There are things that have happened recently… and both Tess and I think something is wrong… or was wrong or whatever. We feel like we just woke up… and with that, we have different feelings than we did before. Actually, we have the same feelings that we did before Prom, Liz. I want you to know this. I love you…"

I clasped my hands over my ears, not waiting to hear anything else. "NO! NO, no, no, no, no! Stop it! We can't go back, Max. We can't go back because when I look at you..." I wiped away a tear that threatened to streak down my cheek... "When I look at you all I can see is Alex's blood on your hands."

He tore his gaze away from mine and focused on his hands. "Liz…" Max began his apologies.

"NO! No, please… just understand – for once, just understand. You coming here and telling me that this has all been some sort of cosmic mistake is not going to make things better. Saying you love me is not going to set things right. Alex is dead! And nothing you say can ever bring my friend back to me."

I sharply pulled away, and ran bleary-eyed through the kitchen door, desperate for the solitude of my room. I stopped in my tracks, surprised to see Isabel blocking my path to the stairs. We stared at each other wordlessly for a moment, and then a single tear fell from her eyes. She shattered the uneasy silence between us, as if she dropped a glass to the ground.

"Don't blame him, Liz. Don't blame Max."

I'm uncertain as to why, but her words opened the dam of tears again and the uncontrolled sobbing that has been my life resumed.

Isabel talked over my whimpers. "If you need to place blame, go ahead. Right here…" she opened her arms wide, welcoming any emotion I was willing to hurdle at her. My cries continued on, as did her monologue. "He was there because of me, Liz. Me, not Max or Tess or anyone else. Me."

My voice cracked. "He was so happy with you."

"I was happy with him. All I have to give me comfort is that he died well."

"Alex is gone! Who cares if he died well? Dead is dead!"

"He died as he lived… protecting what he loved. That was important to him and it should be to you. But what I really meant was… the assassin was there because of me. He came to kill me – Alex was an accident. So if you need someone to blame, blame me."

"I can't blame you, Isabel. You loved him. Max should have saved him."

She sighed, "I couldn't save him either! That weapon was pure agony, Liz. Alex knocked me out of the way to stop that… After he died –" her voice faltered. "I incinerated the Skin. He was dead and gone before Alex even hit the pavement. Vengeance…"

"If that's what you needed…"

"Killing him drained me! If I would have just let him go, I may have been able to save Alex. I let him down." Isabel's cool demeanor crumbled. "If you don't want to blame me, that's fine… cause I blame myself! I let Alex die!"

I found my feet moving my body forward as I reached out to comfort her. Before I could make contact with her skin, she sharply raised her hand, warding me off.

"Don't… please! Just listen to me. Max loves you. He always has, and he always will."

"He's with Tess now…" her name tasted like bile in my mouth.

"That's wrong… he see it now. Hell! She sees it now. You know things have been wrong for a long time. I can see it in your eyes."

"What I think and what's actually true are two different things, Isabel. Destiny is being served," I turned away, unable to meet her sad expression any longer.

Her voice spiked in anger. "That's bull and you know it is, Liz! You know it!"

My back to her, she took this opportunity to leave. I listened to her footsteps fade away, and eventually heard the back door swish shut. Once I was sure she was gone, I turned to make the trip up to my room. Once more a person stopped me in my path, though this time I was frozen in terror.

"Nicolas!" I exclaimed, the air whooshing out of my lungs.

***